Pressure to "prove" yourself?

fatallyblonde · 03-06-2014, 05:42 PM

I don't really get it from my friends, cos they're all queer lol XD but I have definitely experienced the incredulity and disbelief...

... I have been discussing elsewhere with others the last few months about how homophobia makes a life of 100% homosexual or same gender attracted behaviour basically impossible. A lot of women will have at least some experiences with a man because of societal pressure not to be gay. Homophobic people will often cite this as 'proof' homosexuality is just a phase when actually it's because the pressure and stigma and difficulty of being gay can be too much to deal with. Internalised homophobia can also be a factor, a very painful one. The whole world around us is telling us the way we love is wrong, unhealthy, gross, sick... I know I have been with men in the past when it just felt easier and I know others looked at that and were like "AH HAH! SHE'S NOT A REAL LEZZO AFTER ALL! JUST A STRAIGHTIE!" they could never understand. I feel like the world at large is often WAITING for us to "end up" with a man and has a grossly simplistic, shallow comprehension of the vast and varying ways homophobia and misogyny can intersect with our desires and dating practices and such.

I actually have a stalker at the moment (long story) who is continuously attacking my sexuality claiming I am a 'pretendbian' for 'social cred'. I find this incredibly upsetting, especially as my entire adult life has been spent as an active member of the queer community and in relationships with women but she is using the couple of times I have been with men (incl trans men) as 'proof' the rest is a sham... (incidentally this woman up until the last year claimed to be 100% straight and not interested in women at all)... it is again a toxic example of the kind of sexuality policing women are subjected to that doesn't take into account our environment and what kind of attitudes we are inured in... (after all some women never ever get the chance to come out and spend their whole lives in relationships with men... that's the impacts of homophobia...) and how we negotiate that and attempt to deal with it. I have PTSD and as a consequence have been very sexually dysfunctional for a couple of years and something this onslaught of hers has made me afraid of is of pushing myself into situations I'm not ready for or am not comfortable with in order to 'prove' something. It is so toxic and evil.

Homophobia has so much to answer for.

Deborah* · 10-25-2017, 03:56 AM

I'm truly confident in who I am, and am the architect of my life. I truly don't care how others feel about myself. My inner knowing of myself is what's important, I know my truths and live by them.

Deborah

Esme nha Maire · 10-28-2017, 03:52 PM

I've never had to prove myself to anybody nor would i. Explain myself, now that's a whole 'nother matter...

introverted1 · 12-29-2017, 12:13 PM

I don't feel pressure to "prove" myself as it were, but being femme, I'm definitely not visible. Nobody would guess I'm a lesbian.

homoe · 12-29-2017, 12:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by introverted1

I don't feel pressure to "prove" myself as it were, but being femme, I'm definitely not visible. Nobody would guess I'm a lesbian.

Perhaps you need to get some sort of rainbow thingy? Either a pin or some trinket to give a signal to the butches......just saying couldn't hurt

introverted1 · 01-03-2018, 07:25 PM

Thanks, Homoe...bought myself some rainbow bling yesterday. We shall see what happens!

MaddieRobbie · 09-01-2020, 09:25 AM

As a femme who loves a little makeup and my long hair, I have often been called out for conforming to a patriarchal/Madison Avenue ideal of "beauty". How I present is occasionally not seen as me expressing my sense of self, and I have been dismissed as someone just going through a phase, a "pretendbian" (a great freaking term) or worse, looking for a third to join me and my husband.

I try and make jokes about me knowing the secret handshake or having left my membership card at home in my flannel shirt, but the truth is it does hurt having to prove myself to others. They don't know the battles with my family over my identity or my own struggle to live my truth and love myself. I tried to conform to what I thought a "lesbian" should look like and that didn't feel right for me, either.

So...I just try and be me. I still get men who don't believe I'm a lesbian (although I bet they go home and think about it later...) and others who feel I femme it up too much, but I can't spend my life worrying about what anyone else thinks, can I? t took me a long time to arrive at this point and I will own every bit of it with pride.

09-01-2020, 09:25 AM	#7
MaddieRobbie Junior Member How Do You Identify?: Femme Preferred Pronoun?: She Relationship Status: Free Join Date: Aug 2018 Location: Brooklyn Posts: 96 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 34 Thanked 311 Times in 79 Posts Rep Power: 2491088	Proving It. As a femme who loves a little makeup and my long hair, I have often been called out for conforming to a patriarchal/Madison Avenue ideal of "beauty". How I present is occasionally not seen as me expressing my sense of self, and I have been dismissed as someone just going through a phase, a "pretendbian" (a great freaking term) or worse, looking for a third to join me and my husband. I try and make jokes about me knowing the secret handshake or having left my membership card at home in my flannel shirt, but the truth is it does hurt having to prove myself to others. They don't know the battles with my family over my identity or my own struggle to live my truth and love myself. I tried to conform to what I thought a "lesbian" should look like and that didn't feel right for me, either. So...I just try and be me. I still get men who don't believe I'm a lesbian (although I bet they go home and think about it later...) and others who feel I femme it up too much, but I can't spend my life worrying about what anyone else thinks, can I? t took me a long time to arrive at this point and I will own every bit of it with pride.

03-06-2014, 05:42 PM	#1
fatallyblonde Member How Do You Identify?: lesbian femme Preferred Pronoun?: She/Her Join Date: Jan 2014 Location: earth Posts: 446 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 389 Thanked 770 Times in 181 Posts Rep Power: 7054721	I don't really get it from my friends, cos they're all queer lol XD but I have definitely experienced the incredulity and disbelief... ... I have been discussing elsewhere with others the last few months about how homophobia makes a life of 100% homosexual or same gender attracted behaviour basically impossible. A lot of women will have at least some experiences with a man because of societal pressure not to be gay. Homophobic people will often cite this as 'proof' homosexuality is just a phase when actually it's because the pressure and stigma and difficulty of being gay can be too much to deal with. Internalised homophobia can also be a factor, a very painful one. The whole world around us is telling us the way we love is wrong, unhealthy, gross, sick... I know I have been with men in the past when it just felt easier and I know others looked at that and were like "AH HAH! SHE'S NOT A REAL LEZZO AFTER ALL! JUST A STRAIGHTIE!" they could never understand. I feel like the world at large is often WAITING for us to "end up" with a man and has a grossly simplistic, shallow comprehension of the vast and varying ways homophobia and misogyny can intersect with our desires and dating practices and such. I actually have a stalker at the moment (long story) who is continuously attacking my sexuality claiming I am a 'pretendbian' for 'social cred'. I find this incredibly upsetting, especially as my entire adult life has been spent as an active member of the queer community and in relationships with women but she is using the couple of times I have been with men (incl trans men) as 'proof' the rest is a sham... (incidentally this woman up until the last year claimed to be 100% straight and not interested in women at all)... it is again a toxic example of the kind of sexuality policing women are subjected to that doesn't take into account our environment and what kind of attitudes we are inured in... (after all some women never ever get the chance to come out and spend their whole lives in relationships with men... that's the impacts of homophobia...) and how we negotiate that and attempt to deal with it. I have PTSD and as a consequence have been very sexually dysfunctional for a couple of years and something this onslaught of hers has made me afraid of is of pushing myself into situations I'm not ready for or am not comfortable with in order to 'prove' something. It is so toxic and evil. Homophobia has so much to answer for.

10-25-2017, 03:56 AM	#2
Deborah* Member How Do You Identify?: Femme Relationship Status: single and not looking Join Date: Sep 2017 Location: Texas Posts: 354 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 304 Thanked 420 Times in 180 Posts Rep Power: 2658955	I'm truly confident in who I am, and am the architect of my life. I truly don't care how others feel about myself. My inner knowing of myself is what's important, I know my truths and live by them. Deborah

10-28-2017, 03:52 PM	#3
Esme nha Maire Member How Do You Identify?: Tomboyish eccentric antique femme Preferred Pronoun?: She/her Relationship Status: single Join Date: Jul 2017 Location: UK Posts: 642 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 2,196 Thanked 2,078 Times in 541 Posts Rep Power: 19310770	I've never had to prove myself to anybody nor would i. Explain myself, now that's a whole 'nother matter...

12-29-2017, 12:13 PM	#4
introverted1 Member How Do You Identify?: Femme Join Date: Jun 2016 Location: introville Posts: 250 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 422 Thanked 740 Times in 212 Posts Rep Power: 7058202	I don't feel pressure to "prove" myself as it were, but being femme, I'm definitely not visible. Nobody would guess I'm a lesbian.

01-03-2018, 07:25 PM	#6
introverted1 Member How Do You Identify?: Femme Join Date: Jun 2016 Location: introville Posts: 250 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 422 Thanked 740 Times in 212 Posts Rep Power: 7058202	Thanks, Homoe...bought myself some rainbow bling yesterday. We shall see what happens!