What are your three non-negotiables (in a relationship)?

CherylNYC · 04-13-2014, 09:11 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DJ4321

Holy cow! You sweet little femmes might just have opened my eyes a little bit! Can it possibly be that I've lived this long without learning this? I think maybe this is why I'm drawn to you soft, cuddly teddy bears---you appear like you need us Butches, but maybe it's really us Butches who need you!
You have all given me lots to contemplate--am I looking in a mirror, am I really just shutting down the conversation, am I afraid to honestly see so I just call it "drama"? Very interesting indeed.
Thanks everyone for your honesty and willingness to help this butch.

I'm not sure where to start deconstructing this head-patting, sexist mess, but I wonder if this second post was yet another attempt to start drama since your first post didn't quite get enough fire breathing aimed at you to justify your repellent assertion that femmes are drama prone? You should open your eyes and look in the mirror, indeed.

Of course I always suspect we're getting played by a troll whenever it's as easy as shooting fish in a barrel.

Violette · 04-13-2014, 10:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CherylNYC

I'm not sure where to start deconstructing this head-patting, sexist mess, but I wonder if this second post was yet another attempt to start drama since your first post didn't quite get enough fire breathing aimed at you to justify your repellent assertion that femmes are drama prone? You should open your eyes and look in the mirror, indeed.

Of course I always suspect we're getting played by a troll whenever it's as easy as shooting fish in a barrel.

Yes, Yes, Yes! And Yes! The thought that this is a troll has crossed my mind several times. Especially after the second post. "Sweet little femmes..." Wow.

nycfem · 04-13-2014, 10:58 PM

This thread has had a recent report which I wanted to acknowledge (thank you). We try to stay out of the thread if people are working things out directly with each other which seems to be the case right now. If someone is truly found to be a troll of course they will be banned but sometimes it takes some time to figure that out. Just an update that we are alerted and also that the reason there has been no administrative stepping in at this point is that people are speaking up on the thread themselves.

Jar · 04-14-2014, 04:19 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Violette

Yes, Yes, Yes! And Yes! The thought that this is a troll has crossed my mind several times. Especially after the second post. "Sweet little femmes..." Wow.

This was my first thought too.

nanners · 04-14-2014, 04:27 AM

I can assure you this person, DJ is not a troll. I know her, and in fact have dated her and introduced her to this site. I cringed when I read her posts, knowing she has a lot to learn about the butch femme dynamic and this site. I hesitated to even post, because we are no longer dating but she truly is a good person, just has a lot to learn, as do we all when we enter unfamiliar territory.

Jar · 04-14-2014, 04:30 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nanners

I can assure you this person, DJ is not a troll

Thanks! I had meant to ask you if it was the same one

imperfect_cupcake · 04-14-2014, 08:48 AM

No, not a troll. But attention seeking and has a touch of RADA (Royal Acadamy for the Dramatic Arts) flare....

One thing I have noticed is that some of the most dramatic butches I have ever dated accused me of drama whenever I was calling them on their shit or bringing up something that I was dealing with. Whenever it was their issue or their bringing up subjects, not surprisingly, it was no longer considered drama.

I pretty much now consider that word to be provocative and looking to cause an arguement in order to be proved right. That's like calling someone over-sensitive and if they chose to get defensive, then you can say "look, see you are getting irate already!" It is a manipulative trick that people use to derail a discussion of hand.

feminine is often equated with: bitchiness, drama, over-sensitivity, manipulative, irrational, over-emotional, petty, over-complicated, and gossips.

so just by having a feminine countinance I am pre judged of having these traits and to some people no matter what comes out of my mouth, they will view me through that glass. If someone with a masculine gender accent speaks the same words, suddenly it's not.

I don't personally like being told that I'm just like everyone who has a slightly feminine expression is like before even opening my mouth. "femmes are...." can very easily replaced with "gays are..." "women are...." "queers are...."

cause we are taking ONE attribute (be it sexuality or gender accent) and applying it to mean hundreds of other personality traits.

My butch partners have ALL cried more than I do. They have ALL been more afraid of bugs than me. They have ALL loved babies more than me (please don't give me one. I am that awkward person that sits with it looking terrified) but that has more to do with the kind of people I choose to be with, than an an entire global gender. And it may be just my expereince but I know that not every single butch out there is a soppy, bug fearing, baby loving, attention seeking prince.

I just tend to like certain types of people within that gender group and thus wind up getting other predictable traits with it.

If you don't want any drama in your life at all, and I've had plenty sobbing, chest pounding, hair ripping, finger pointing, nagging, drunk at 3am banging on my window, waking up the neighbours, saying inappropriate things to my mom, etc butch persons, it's not just the realm of femme that can throw a spectacular fit... *eyeball roll*....some of the best of the best have been from a butch in my life.... then stay single and don't have many relationships with people, including and avoid public dealings. People have emotions. Avoid them. And don't have any yourself.

Martina · 04-14-2014, 12:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by honeybarbara

One thing I have noticed is that some of the most dramatic butches I have ever dated accused me of drama whenever I was calling them on their shit or bringing up something that I was dealing with. Whenever it was their issue or their bringing up subjects, not surprisingly, it was no longer considered drama.

I pretty much now consider that word to be provocative and looking to cause an argument in order to be proved right. That's like calling someone over-sensitive and if they chose to get defensive, then you can say "look, see you are getting irate already!" It is a manipulative trick that people use to derail a discussion of hand.

If someone in their personal ad or in the very early stages of dating says, "no drama," I consider it a big red flag and seriously consider giving them a pass. I have found that the people who say "no drama" actually seem to be the biggest drama queens.

Re the other stuff, I have found that a small percentage of butches who are attracted to femmes don't actually like us. They are angry because of rejection or whatever. Or maybe they would just prefer to hang out with their buds for the most part, but they need sex and some kind of domestic life, I guess, so they enter relationships with femmes. I don't see many of these folks, but I have met a few. Definitely people to avoid.

VintageFemme · 05-20-2014, 05:15 AM

A strong heart.

Honesty.

Musically literate [while this may seem pretty weak, it is not without merit & much like one's shoe style, or the question... if you could be a car, which car would you be? ...is very telling.]

05-20-2014, 06:00 AM

A fine rack ...I never said I wasn't easy!

Deconstruct visual art and articulate what you think about any given visual media.

The ability to harmonise and pick out the oddest harmonies alongside me keeping the melody strong.
Whoever warbles first loses!

imperfect_cupcake · 05-20-2014, 12:47 PM

I kinda go with that assumption that honesty, integrity and all The general whatsits are a given. Surely, who would NOT pick those as fairly basic.

But beyond that I need things. I have tried to be with very nice people who are unable to provide certain other things and noatter what, I can't do it. Honesty, respect, love, integrity is really not enough. I need sexual compatibility, similar humour, playfulness, intelligence, the ability to banter, a thicker skin, someone who either an atheist or their spiritual life does not need to be shared within the relationship. Someone who isn't at the mercy of their moods. I cannot date borderline personality or.certain kinds of OCD because it sets off my own shit too much. Someone who is not capricious or mercurial. Who has similar values to mine in most, though not all, things. And who's politics ate at least similar or our values will be too different.

Also they have to love conversation. That's a biggie for me.

They have to want similar things from a relationship or it won't work.

So I have quite a few things above and beyond the basic stuff everyone has as necessary to make a commitment to someone.

Mainly because if I do make another commitment, I hope it's the last one. And I'm not going to be too keen on emotionally investing in things that I know from experience don't work for me.

SaltyButch · 04-28-2014, 02:06 PM

Three non-negotiables other than some obvious ones already mentioned;

Communication: If you are not able to express yourself or what your needs are or understand my need for communication, it's not going to work.

Explorative: I am always seeking knowledge, so would want someone that feels the same no matter the subject.

Caring: In relation to herself,me and those people and things around us.

Stud_puppy1991 · 04-28-2014, 03:28 PM

1. Don't ever expect me to be anything other than myself. In other words, don't get involved with me if you aren't ready or willing to be with me as me. If you are just wanting me to be your mold and be what you want, forget it.

2. Don't manipulate me or control me in any aspect. I am not someone's pet, and I won't have a leash. I also will not have someone tell me how I need to be or how to go about things. And honestly, it isn't going to work.

3. Don't play games with me. If something is an issue to you, tell me. If I make you unhappy or uncomfortable, let me know. Don't lead me on or play me for a fool, because I will find out. No matter what it is, always come to me.

Genesis · 05-18-2014, 02:22 PM

my eight non-negotiables in a relationship are:

1. Integrity,
2. Self-respect,
3. Pro-active communication,
4. Versatility: knowing how to move and dance with life and all the turns
and twists that come with it.
5. Love and live life to it's fullest potential.
6. Love to dance, travel and be a life long learner.
7. Must love to taste and try new foods.
8. Playful sense of humor.

Azreley · 05-20-2014, 04:31 AM

Three? I actually only have two that are very important to me. It's a must that they have to be completely HONEST no matter how bad it is. Another must is that they must be RESPECTFUL.

Those are actually all that I need. HONESTY and RESPECT.

Makes me wonder if some people can put that together. Can they be honest about something bad and be respectful at the same time? Anything is possible. Right?

04-13-2014, 10:58 PM	#3
nycfem Moderator How Do You Identify?: femme sub Preferred Pronoun?: Baby Grrl Relationship Status: Attached Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: NYC Posts: 6,794 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 52,987 Thanked 21,427 Times in 5,101 Posts Rep Power: 21474855	This thread has had a recent report which I wanted to acknowledge (thank you). We try to stay out of the thread if people are working things out directly with each other which seems to be the case right now. If someone is truly found to be a troll of course they will be banned but sometimes it takes some time to figure that out. Just an update that we are alerted and also that the reason there has been no administrative stepping in at this point is that people are speaking up on the thread themselves. __________________ *** How do I... ?** Check out the Members Helping Members thread: http://www.butchfemmeplanet.com/foru...embers+Helping

05-20-2014, 05:15 AM	#9
VintageFemme Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Femme Relationship Status: Single Join Date: Jul 2011 Location: Outside Posts: 2,299 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 3,828 Thanked 7,620 Times in 1,655 Posts Rep Power: 21474853	A strong heart. Honesty. Musically literate [while this may seem pretty weak, it is not without merit & much like one's shoe style, or the question... if you could be a car, which car would you be? ...is very telling.] __________________ Unfinished Business & Open to Serendipity

04-28-2014, 03:28 PM	#13
Stud_puppy1991 Member How Do You Identify?: butch, gentleman Preferred Pronoun?: Hy, Hym, "Hey Handsome", and also throwing in a "Sup man" or a "You're sexy" will work Relationship Status: Back to Bachelorhood Join Date: May 2011 Location: Louisville, Kentucky Posts: 586 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 499 Thanked 995 Times in 361 Posts Rep Power: 7051416	My 3 1. Don't ever expect me to be anything other than myself. In other words, don't get involved with me if you aren't ready or willing to be with me as me. If you are just wanting me to be your mold and be what you want, forget it. 2. Don't manipulate me or control me in any aspect. I am not someone's pet, and I won't have a leash. I also will not have someone tell me how I need to be or how to go about things. And honestly, it isn't going to work. 3. Don't play games with me. If something is an issue to you, tell me. If I make you unhappy or uncomfortable, let me know. Don't lead me on or play me for a fool, because I will find out. No matter what it is, always come to me.

05-18-2014, 02:22 PM	#14
Genesis Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: Femme on a varied spectrum/babygirl Preferred Pronoun?: she/her/hers Relationship Status: Loved ლ ⚢ Join Date: May 2013 Location: Devenir un avec l'immatérialité des étoiles... Posts: 9,439 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 6,606 Thanked 14,669 Times in 6,299 Posts Rep Power: 21474858	my eight non-negotiables my eight non-negotiables in a relationship are: 1. Integrity, 2. Self-respect, 3. Pro-active communication, 4. Versatility: knowing how to move and dance with life and all the turns and twists that come with it. 5. Love and live life to it's fullest potential. 6. Love to dance, travel and be a life long learner. 7. Must love to taste and try new foods. 8. Playful sense of humor.

04-14-2014, 04:27 AM	#5
nanners Member How Do You Identify?: her femme Preferred Pronoun?: girl Relationship Status: Blissfully married to the love of my life. Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: MS Posts: 1,159 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 9,450 Thanked 4,899 Times in 1,096 Posts Rep Power: 21474853	I can assure you this person, DJ is not a troll. I know her, and in fact have dated her and introduced her to this site. I cringed when I read her posts, knowing she has a lot to learn about the butch femme dynamic and this site. I hesitated to even post, because we are no longer dating but she truly is a good person, just has a lot to learn, as do we all when we enter unfamiliar territory.

04-14-2014, 08:48 AM	#7
imperfect_cupcake Senior Member How Do You Identify?: feminine dolly dyke Preferred Pronoun?: Your Grace Relationship Status: I put my own care first Join Date: Jan 2010 Location: In a gauze of mystery Posts: 1,776 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 2,426 Thanked 9,712 Times in 1,611 Posts Rep Power: 21474853	No, not a troll. But attention seeking and has a touch of RADA (Royal Acadamy for the Dramatic Arts) flare.... One thing I have noticed is that some of the most dramatic butches I have ever dated accused me of drama whenever I was calling them on their shit or bringing up something that I was dealing with. Whenever it was their issue or their bringing up subjects, not surprisingly, it was no longer considered drama. I pretty much now consider that word to be provocative and looking to cause an arguement in order to be proved right. That's like calling someone over-sensitive and if they chose to get defensive, then you can say "look, see you are getting irate already!" It is a manipulative trick that people use to derail a discussion of hand. feminine is often equated with: bitchiness, drama, over-sensitivity, manipulative, irrational, over-emotional, petty, over-complicated, and gossips. so just by having a feminine countinance I am pre judged of having these traits and to some people no matter what comes out of my mouth, they will view me through that glass. If someone with a masculine gender accent speaks the same words, suddenly it's not. I don't personally like being told that I'm just like everyone who has a slightly feminine expression is like before even opening my mouth. "femmes are...." can very easily replaced with "gays are..." "women are...." "queers are...." cause we are taking ONE attribute (be it sexuality or gender accent) and applying it to mean hundreds of other personality traits. My butch partners have ALL cried more than I do. They have ALL been more afraid of bugs than me. They have ALL loved babies more than me (please don't give me one. I am that awkward person that sits with it looking terrified) but that has more to do with the kind of people I choose to be with, than an an entire global gender. And it may be just my expereince but I know that not every single butch out there is a soppy, bug fearing, baby loving, attention seeking prince. I just tend to like certain types of people within that gender group and thus wind up getting other predictable traits with it. If you don't want any drama in your life at all, and I've had plenty sobbing, chest pounding, hair ripping, finger pointing, nagging, drunk at 3am banging on my window, waking up the neighbours, saying inappropriate things to my mom, etc butch persons, it's not just the realm of femme that can throw a spectacular fit... eyeball roll....some of the best of the best have been from a butch in my life.... then stay single and don't have many relationships with people, including and avoid public dealings. People have emotions. Avoid them. And don't have any yourself.

05-20-2014, 06:00 AM	#10
Daktari Guest Tournaments Won: 1 Posts: n/a My Photo Gallery	A fine rack ...I never said I wasn't easy! Deconstruct visual art and articulate what you think about any given visual media. The ability to harmonise and pick out the oddest harmonies alongside me keeping the melody strong. Whoever warbles first loses!

05-20-2014, 12:47 PM	#11
imperfect_cupcake Senior Member How Do You Identify?: feminine dolly dyke Preferred Pronoun?: Your Grace Relationship Status: I put my own care first Join Date: Jan 2010 Location: In a gauze of mystery Posts: 1,776 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 2,426 Thanked 9,712 Times in 1,611 Posts Rep Power: 21474853	I kinda go with that assumption that honesty, integrity and all The general whatsits are a given. Surely, who would NOT pick those as fairly basic. But beyond that I need things. I have tried to be with very nice people who are unable to provide certain other things and noatter what, I can't do it. Honesty, respect, love, integrity is really not enough. I need sexual compatibility, similar humour, playfulness, intelligence, the ability to banter, a thicker skin, someone who either an atheist or their spiritual life does not need to be shared within the relationship. Someone who isn't at the mercy of their moods. I cannot date borderline personality or.certain kinds of OCD because it sets off my own shit too much. Someone who is not capricious or mercurial. Who has similar values to mine in most, though not all, things. And who's politics ate at least similar or our values will be too different. Also they have to love conversation. That's a biggie for me. They have to want similar things from a relationship or it won't work. So I have quite a few things above and beyond the basic stuff everyone has as necessary to make a commitment to someone. Mainly because if I do make another commitment, I hope it's the last one. And I'm not going to be too keen on emotionally investing in things that I know from experience don't work for me.

04-28-2014, 02:06 PM	#12
SaltyButch Member How Do You Identify?: Old School Butch Preferred Pronoun?: he/she/hey you..... Relationship Status: open to the possibilities Tournaments Won: 5 Join Date: Mar 2010 Location: mississauga ontario canada Posts: 345 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 432 Thanked 1,633 Times in 301 Posts Rep Power: 21474852	Three non-negotiables other than some obvious ones already mentioned; Communication: If you are not able to express yourself or what your needs are or understand my need for communication, it's not going to work. Explorative: I am always seeking knowledge, so would want someone that feels the same no matter the subject. Caring: In relation to herself,me and those people and things around us.

05-20-2014, 04:31 AM	#15
Azreley Junior Member How Do You Identify?: Stone Butch Preferred Pronoun?: I'm not sure what this means, but try whatever you want. Join Date: May 2014 Location: Ilocos Norte, Philippines Posts: 5 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 5 Thanked 31 Times in 4 Posts Rep Power: 0	Three? I actually only have two that are very important to me. It's a must that they have to be completely HONEST no matter how bad it is. Another must is that they must be RESPECTFUL. Those are actually all that I need. HONESTY and RESPECT. Makes me wonder if some people can put that together. Can they be honest about something bad and be respectful at the same time? Anything is possible. Right?