What are your three non-negotiables (in a relationship)?

[nanners]

I can assure you this person, DJ is not a troll. I know her, and in fact have dated her and introduced her to this site. I cringed when I read her posts, knowing she has a lot to learn about the butch femme dynamic and this site. I hesitated to even post, because we are no longer dating but she truly is a good person, just has a lot to learn, as do we all when we enter unfamiliar territory.

[Jar]

Originally Posted by nanners

I can assure you this person, DJ is not a troll

Thanks! I had meant to ask you if it was the same one

[imperfect_cupcake]

No, not a troll. But attention seeking and has a touch of RADA (Royal Acadamy for the Dramatic Arts) flare....

One thing I have noticed is that some of the most dramatic butches I have ever dated accused me of drama whenever I was calling them on their shit or bringing up something that I was dealing with. Whenever it was their issue or their bringing up subjects, not surprisingly, it was no longer considered drama.

I pretty much now consider that word to be provocative and looking to cause an arguement in order to be proved right. That's like calling someone over-sensitive and if they chose to get defensive, then you can say "look, see you are getting irate already!" It is a manipulative trick that people use to derail a discussion of hand.

feminine is often equated with: bitchiness, drama, over-sensitivity, manipulative, irrational, over-emotional, petty, over-complicated, and gossips.

so just by having a feminine countinance I am pre judged of having these traits and to some people no matter what comes out of my mouth, they will view me through that glass. If someone with a masculine gender accent speaks the same words, suddenly it's not.

I don't personally like being told that I'm just like everyone who has a slightly feminine expression is like before even opening my mouth. "femmes are...." can very easily replaced with "gays are..." "women are...." "queers are...."

cause we are taking ONE attribute (be it sexuality or gender accent) and applying it to mean hundreds of other personality traits.

My butch partners have ALL cried more than I do. They have ALL been more afraid of bugs than me. They have ALL loved babies more than me (please don't give me one. I am that awkward person that sits with it looking terrified) but that has more to do with the kind of people I choose to be with, than an an entire global gender. And it may be just my expereince but I know that not every single butch out there is a soppy, bug fearing, baby loving, attention seeking prince.

I just tend to like certain types of people within that gender group and thus wind up getting other predictable traits with it.

If you don't want any drama in your life at all, and I've had plenty sobbing, chest pounding, hair ripping, finger pointing, nagging, drunk at 3am banging on my window, waking up the neighbours, saying inappropriate things to my mom, etc butch persons, it's not just the realm of femme that can throw a spectacular fit... *eyeball roll*....some of the best of the best have been from a butch in my life.... then stay single and don't have many relationships with people, including and avoid public dealings. People have emotions. Avoid them. And don't have any yourself.

[Martina]

Originally Posted by honeybarbara

One thing I have noticed is that some of the most dramatic butches I have ever dated accused me of drama whenever I was calling them on their shit or bringing up something that I was dealing with. Whenever it was their issue or their bringing up subjects, not surprisingly, it was no longer considered drama.

I pretty much now consider that word to be provocative and looking to cause an argument in order to be proved right. That's like calling someone over-sensitive and if they chose to get defensive, then you can say "look, see you are getting irate already!" It is a manipulative trick that people use to derail a discussion of hand.

If someone in their personal ad or in the very early stages of dating says, "no drama," I consider it a big red flag and seriously consider giving them a pass. I have found that the people who say "no drama" actually seem to be the biggest drama queens.

Re the other stuff, I have found that a small percentage of butches who are attracted to femmes don't actually like us. They are angry because of rejection or whatever. Or maybe they would just prefer to hang out with their buds for the most part, but they need sex and some kind of domestic life, I guess, so they enter relationships with femmes. I don't see many of these folks, but I have met a few. Definitely people to avoid.

[imperfect_cupcake]

" Or maybe they would just prefer to hang out with their buds for the most part, but they need sex and some kind of domestic life, I guess, so they enter relationships with femmes."

yeah... I dunno. I've met those and it's usually they don't want to hang out at all, except to go to the pub or a party with and come over for sex and breckfast. I find those relationships didn't evolve because I don't want to play sports/watch sports with them and sports was their life. They need a femme teammate. But I also watched those ones screw around with each other's gf's off the rugby pitch. HEAPS of drama. That's the other thing, loads and loads of shit stirring and trouble making (drama) and it only becomes "drama" when they are caught doing something shitty and have to answer to it.

I personally avoid "Drama" as in the RADA version, by avoiding shit stirers, drinkers and people addicted to fast commitments and romance now. My life is far, far more peaceful. Do I get into arguments? Sure!! I'm no carpet. But these days I say something once and once only- after that I leave.

[Tony]

Simply said:
Dishonesty.
Cheating.
Emotionally unavailable.

[Jar]

Originally Posted by Tony

Simply said:
Dishonesty.
Cheating.
Emotionally unavailable.

Totally agree

[VintageFemme]

A strong heart.

Honesty.

Musically literate [while this may seem pretty weak, it is not without merit & much like one's shoe style, or the question... if you could be a car, which car would you be? ...is very telling.]

A fine rack ...I never said I wasn't easy!

Deconstruct visual art and articulate what you think about any given visual media.

The ability to harmonise and pick out the oddest harmonies alongside me keeping the melody strong.
Whoever warbles first loses!

[imperfect_cupcake]

I kinda go with that assumption that honesty, integrity and all The general whatsits are a given. Surely, who would NOT pick those as fairly basic.

But beyond that I need things. I have tried to be with very nice people who are unable to provide certain other things and noatter what, I can't do it. Honesty, respect, love, integrity is really not enough. I need sexual compatibility, similar humour, playfulness, intelligence, the ability to banter, a thicker skin, someone who either an atheist or their spiritual life does not need to be shared within the relationship. Someone who isn't at the mercy of their moods. I cannot date borderline personality or.certain kinds of OCD because it sets off my own shit too much. Someone who is not capricious or mercurial. Who has similar values to mine in most, though not all, things. And who's politics ate at least similar or our values will be too different.

Also they have to love conversation. That's a biggie for me.

They have to want similar things from a relationship or it won't work.

So I have quite a few things above and beyond the basic stuff everyone has as necessary to make a commitment to someone.

Mainly because if I do make another commitment, I hope it's the last one. And I'm not going to be too keen on emotionally investing in things that I know from experience don't work for me.

[cinnamongrrl]

an open mind....with a willingness to explore all that the universe has to offer

emotionally available

willingness to be physically active

[Martina]

Originally Posted by honeybarbara

Someone who isn't at the mercy of their moods.

Yup.

Originally Posted by honeybarbara

Also they have to love conversation. That's a biggie for me.

Me, too.

[gotoseagrl]

Yes, to like kitties, or at least puppies is a must.

~ Honesty
~ Good sense of humor
~ Old school D/g dynamic

[kittygrrl]

kindness
kindess
and more kindness