Something horrible just happened

[Girl_On_Fire]

I am so sorry this happened to you. I understand your pain.

A little over 10 years ago, I was in a committed relationship and we had moved in together. We were having problems and we lived in a tiny apartment where we couldn't really get away from each other. She thought it would be a good idea if she spent the weekend at a hotel so we could have some space.

While I was at work, she packed a bag and took a bus out of the state to be with someone she'd been talking to online. The hotel story was just a cover for an elaborate escape she'd apparently had planned for a while.

I didn't find out until 3 days later after I'd filed a missing person's report. While I'm certainly older and wiser now and can see, in hindsight, there were plenty of glaringly-obvious signs, at the time I didn't know any better. I was very innocent and naive and never saw it coming.

I'm not putting either of those character traits on you. I just understand how something like that can be damaging and cause feelings of abandonment and self-doubt. Try not to blame yourself. This woman obviously has issues. She could have talked to you. She could have politely canceled the date if she no longer felt the connection. There was no need to rush out in the middle of a date like that.

Someone who can't even talk to you and try to tell you what's going on or what they perceive is wrong isn't someone you can sustain a healthy relationship with.

You deserve better and better is what's out there waiting for you.

*hugs*

[anaisninja]

Originally Posted by Girl_On_Fire

I am so sorry this happened to you. I understand your pain.

A little over 10 years ago, I was in a committed relationship and we had moved in together. We were having problems and we lived in a tiny apartment where we couldn't really get away from each other. She thought it would be a good idea if she spent the weekend at a hotel so we could have some space.

While I was at work, she packed a bag and took a bus out of the state to be with someone she'd been talking to online. The hotel story was just a cover for an elaborate escape she'd apparently had planned for a while.

I didn't find out until 3 days later after I'd filed a missing person's report. While I'm certainly older and wiser now and can see, in hindsight, there were plenty of glaringly-obvious signs, at the time I didn't know any better. I was very innocent and naive and never saw it coming.

I'm not putting either of those character traits on you. I just understand how something like that can be damaging and cause feelings of abandonment and self-doubt. Try not to blame yourself. This woman obviously has issues. She could have talked to you. She could have politely canceled the date if she no longer felt the connection. There was no need to rush out in the middle of a date like that.

Someone who can't even talk to you and try to tell you what's going on or what they perceive is wrong isn't someone you can sustain a healthy relationship with.

You deserve better and better is what's out there waiting for you.

*hugs*

Girl on Fire - I'm so sorry that happened to you. The more of you say you've been through something similar, the more aghast I am at people's bad behavior. I was talking about what happened with some of my social work friends tonight. One woman's theory is that we've (the social workers) all been spoiled by being around people like ourselves - kind, caring, touchy-feely, warm - social work types. (I realize this is a generalization. But... we work in the helping profession. We are helpers by nature.) So our perception of what constitutes normal behavior has been skewed.

[imperfect_cupcake]

people that are so afraid of conflict/conflict avoidant that they do this are hell on earth to try to have a grown up discussion with. I do have close friends who are incredibly conflict avoidant but even none of them would stoop to that, so my guess is that she's a *real* charmer to the poor sod that lands her.

You'll learn to screen for more things the longer you are in the pool.

I listen to my instincts now, after 30 years of dating people, 18 of them lezzo. I don't make up excuses for other people's behaviours anymore. but that is something you have to learn, especially if you are of the care-taking sort. I did. I'm very glad I'm a hard-ass now. saves me a huge amount of emotional turmoil and grief and drama and games. You'll figure it out. Eventually, after you've picked yourself apart and glued yourself back together enough times and blamed yourself enough, you understand Your Shit and Their Shit and the types of crazy that don't mix with your own. And you call it, much, much faster and without the self flagellation.



ETA: I'm personally a shit date, so I know what I feel comfy with and what I don't. What I couldn't do is not what others would refuse. I don't go for the traditional date stuff, I'd prefer to hang out and act like pirates, drink beer and be rediculous together. Most girls want someone to treat them like a princess for an evening... you'll figure out what trips your switch and what sets your flags going.

[Ginger]

Anaisninja,

Dating is brutal and fun and everything in between. You have to develop a thick skin and yet not lose touch with your softness.

But you know all this, I think.

That person sounds really socially immature.

Her response to the date was such a silly overreaction. So what, you meet someone, and realize you're not into it. Haven't most of us been on both sides of that story? I know I have.

Her response was to make drama out of something that two grownups could have easily handled.

I'm willing to bet if you were in her shoes you would have handled it really differently—in a way that reflects your moral depth and maturity.

She might not have those tools. Her toolbox might be somewhat empty.

She's not whole enough for you.

That's my theory.

I hope you feel better soon.

Ginger

[ProfPacker]

Anaisninja,

I agree with what everyone says. I just wanted to say that I am sorry that this happened to you. As many of have said prior to me, the lack of integrity and honesty coupled with this woman's inability to understand that actions hurt others is unacceptable.

Please do not beat yourself up about this. You did nothing wrong, sometimes we misjudge others and as many said, sometimes we are not honest with ourselves when signs are right in our face.

Heal from this and go on with your life. I agree that forsaking work would be a self destructive act. The goal here is to learn self care.

[Words]

I'm sorry this happened to you.

I DO think you're possibly trying a little too hard and that you could be coming off as being needy. My concern though after having read some of your previous posts - and I won't go into details here because I'm not clear as to the rules regarding quoting material from other threads - is that in your (perfectly understandable) quest to get your new life as a lesbian off the ground, you're putting yourself not only at emotional risk, but also at physical risk. I know that personally, if we were to go on a date and you were to tell me a couple of things that I've read in your previous posts, one thing in particular, I'd definitely be thinking, wow, that was a little reckless and that it would leave doubts in my mind as to whether or not we were further date material (I'll pm you and let you know what I'm referring to.)

Anyway, the best advice that I can give you as someone who came out pretty late herself (40) is, what will be, will be. Yes, you have to do your part in terms of making it happen... but you also have to have faith.

Good luck!

[anaisninja]

Originally Posted by Words

I'm sorry this happened to you.

I DO think you're possibly trying a little too hard and that you could be coming off as being needy. My concern though after having read some of your previous posts - and I won't go into details here because I'm not clear as to the rules regarding quoting material from other threads - is that in your (perfectly understandable) quest to get your new life as a lesbian off the ground, you're putting yourself not only at emotional risk, but also at physical risk. I know that personally, if we were to go on a date and you were to tell me a couple of things that I've read in your previous posts, one thing in particular, I'd definitely be thinking, wow, that was a little reckless and that it would leave doubts in my mind as to whether or not we were further date material (I'll pm you and let you know what I'm referring to.)

Anyway, the best advice that I can give you as someone who came out pretty late herself (40) is, what will be, will be. Yes, you have to do your part in terms of making it happen... but you also have to have faith.

Good luck!

Hi Words, I will respond openly to your post because I have nothing to be ashamed of.

The flogging to which you refer in your PM took place at Seattle's Center for Sex-Positive Culture (cspc), during a monthly Women in Kink (WinK) event. All participants in these events are required to complete a new member orientation, which includes all aspects of informed consent. I, and the other two women who were flogged by the practitioner that evening, had complete control over the activities in which we chose to participate. In addition, a volunteer monitored the room to ensure that we were all safe and sound.

While I agree that, insofar as dating is concerned, I may have been trying too hard to please the woman in question, whether or not I choose to participate consensually in BDSM seems irrelevant.

ETA...

Also, I'm not in the habit of blurting out personal details about my love life in my day-to-day life. My real-world friends know me as a low key, friendly, nurturing, no-drama, easy-going person. I joined this site *specifically* so that I could be completely open in a safe space about the confusing life transition I find myself undergoing. I intend to continue doing so, whether or not others approve.