Butch visibility

[Ascot]

In the last couple of weeks I've been told by three people that they had no idea I was gay. I don't even know what I think about that. Evidently I've been walking around with the erroneous assumption that I read like a big ol' homo to everybody. To be clear, two are passing acquaintances, and the other was a complete stranger. The last one, the stranger, actually I guess it was four people total because there were two women together that I've lumped into the stranger category. I met them when I was geocaching on Saturday, an older gal and a woman I'm thinking was her mother. I told them a little bit about what I was doing, and they seemed to find the whole idea very appealing. They even helped me look for the cache. A couple minutes into the conversation I said, "By the way, I'm Lise." The younger of the two women told me her name, and then gestured to the older woman and said,"And she's Gay." I'm sure you can see where this is going. I just couldn't help myself. I say,"Hey, me too!" Nothing. It seemed pretty clear that even though I declared it, these women just didn't see it. I think it didn't even remotely occur to them. I do realize that it could be a generational thing. Or, I suppose it is possible that they got it, and so didn't care that they didn't even react. Hmm...

I'm usually recognized by other queer folks, and that is a lovely thing. I think my investment in wanting to be seen as gay by nonqueer people has to do with putting out the message that we are everywhere and that's cool. I'm certainly not looking to have that be my sole or even a major identifier, but I still like there to be an awareness of it. Do you guys care if people know?

[Cin]

Originally Posted by Ascot

I'm certainly not looking to have that be my sole or even a major identifier, but I still like there to be an awareness of it. Do you guys care if people know?

I don't even know what it would be like for people not to "know". I'm not sure what exactly they do know though. I look, talk, walk and act in ways that are identifiable to most people as masculine so when the world looks at me, especially just in passing, they see male. I don't actively choose it; it just is. Of course there is enough woman in there to make a longer look or an interaction a tad confusing. Some people do a double take of sorts. Many correct themselves and use female qualifiers. Do they know? I imagine they do. But I'm not sure exactly what they believe they know. It's seems to be more about how I look than who I love.

Being queer doesn't seem to upset people as much as my bopping about with all my female masculinity on display. In my experience, homosexuality is easier for many to deal with than not presenting as society believes one of your gender should present.

[Ascot]

Originally Posted by Miss Tick

Being queer doesn't seem to upset people as much as my bopping about with all my female masculinity on display. In my experience, homosexuality is easier for many to deal with than not presenting as society believes one of your gender should present.

I think you make an excellent point. I might be wrong about this, but I tend to think that masculinely presenting women still have it easier than femininely presenting men.

[Cin]

Originally Posted by Ascot

I might be wrong about this, but I tend to think that masculinely presenting women still have it easier than femininely presenting men.

It is certainly true that in a patriarchy masculinity is revered hence well guarded, especially along the borders where slippage can occur. Toward that end, gender in general is heavily policed in order to ensure a presentation that fits within society's definition of male and female. There appears to be more flexibility within female to explore gender as long as the exploration remains confined to acceptable areas and the explorer looks feminine. Certainly in fashion we see this.

I am inclined to believe this has more to do with the hatred of the feminine and the adoration of the masculine than any purposeful willingness to overlook masculinity in a female package. The tendency to punish male homosexuality, hell the separation of homosexual behavior into male and female supports this theory. In certain areas of the world female homosexuality isn't even recognized so their is no law against it. This has nothing to do with a love or a reverence for things female. It is misogyny at its most complex and bizarre.

This would explain why femininity in a man is not tolerated to any degree whereas woman are not required to adhere to such a complicated set of rules. The illusion is that women have more freedom to express themselves within their gender than men. The reality is that masculinity is actively and relentlessly guarded and defended. So a female gender presentation is not as restricted simply because it is not so valued. As children, girls have more leeway to drift slightly from the adult version of their gender than boys. This may be understood by examining the expectations of men and women in a patriarchy. It is tolerated if a girl and then a woman is willful and headstrong (seen as masculine traits) because she will be brought to heel by a man. Hopefully she will then come to understand her place, metaphorically speaking, as barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen. How can a man be expected to fulfill his duty as the master of his universe if he is allowed to indulge in behaviors traditionally seen as feminine? This model is of course not adhered to by all people, it is however the ideal on which a patriarchy is built and the fallout of centuries of this kind of belief system is deeply ingrained in our psyche. We are fed this with our pablum as infants and dutifully even cheerfully feed it to our own offspring. It is probably the thing I can think of that comes as close as I can imagine to the idea of original sin. We must unlearn this shit if we expect anything to change.

I'm not sure that the hatred for feminine masculinity is deeper and more vicious than the hatred for masculine femininity. It is certainly true that society is able to joke about feminine masculinity. We can witness this in the plethora of media depictions featuring the stereo type of the amusing queen with the heart of gold. The bull dyke hasn't found her way into the hearts of television or movie goers in quite the same way. I think society does not find masculine femininity very funny at all. Whatever that means...

But I don't think it's easy for anyone who cannot pass as clearly one gender or the other. Not that passing as a different gender is an easy road. It's just a different hard road is all.

[Soon]

Meet ‘Big Boo’: OITNB’s Lea DeLaria on Her Backstory, That Strap-On Scene, and Living Out Loud

[*Anya*]

Originally Posted by Soon

Meet ‘Big Boo’: OITNB’s Lea DeLaria on Her Backstory, That Strap-On Scene, and Living Out Loud

Thanks for posting this. I have enjoyed seeing her more fully realized as a butch lesbian this season.

[MasterfulButch]

I experienced an incident recently that made me realise just how accustomed I’ve become to getting unwanted attention (thankfully not physical) for my presentation, specifically heckling. This time though, I found myself thinking about it more because my femme was with me and I really hated that she was subjected to it. Despite being in a foreign city, the incident itself wasn’t too bad and I’ve had worse at the local supermarket but it was enough for me to realise that I’m now dealing with our potential vulnerability and not just mine. That changes things.

I wouldn’t wish this kind of negative attention on anyone and yet I find that by association, I’m exposing my most precious person. That just makes me really sad.

How do other people handle this?

[DapperButch]

Originally Posted by Miss Tick

Being queer doesn't seem to upset people as much as my bopping about with all my female masculinity on display. In my experience, homosexuality is easier for many to deal with than not presenting as society believes one of your gender should present.

Spot on. It has been interesting to me that when this has come up in conversation with cisgender, heterosexual women (friends), they are always surprised to hear me say this. I have to go through it with them for a bit before they say, "oh, yeah....you're right" with a light bulb going on for them.