Open Letter: Dear Femme

[evolveme]

Originally Posted by christie0918

A man who inherited the business from his father employs me. Both are very staunch, conservative republicans with stay home wives and are both the walking, breathing epitome of male privilege. They had never had a woman in power at their company, in its entire 56 year history until I joined them 1.5 years ago. I could tell at the beginning that I would have to stand toe to toe with the elder so as to not be pigeonholed into what I felt his ideas of my role would be. The son, who is my age, has said that I have changed his father’s perceptions of women. Just last week, I was promoted and will be taking over the helm of the business in January. I am not so naïve as to think that I won’t have a struggle ahead of me just because I wasn’t born with a penis.

I am a strong, independent, intelligent, feminine, imperfectly perfect, simply complex, female entity. My relationship does not define me. My partnering with a beautifully exquisite masculine female does not define me. Demanding that my voice be heard does not make me less feminine. It does not make me more masculine. Running the world and being Queen of all I see doesn’t make me less feminine or more masculine. It just makes me intelligently strong. It’s just me.

For me, it’s not about letting the world chose my role within it… It’s about me choosing how I am viewed in the world.

Christie

I didn't want to let this one get me by. I have a feeling you're writing from the South, and maybe you're not, and I guess it doesn't matter, because anywhere really, this kind of achievement is still to be considered. Big business or small.

I'm glad you've been able to show them what you have to offer and that what you have to offer has moved the veil of 'But she's a woman' out of the way enough to allow you that promotion. Hot damn and good for you.

I also really liked your self-description. Sounds like they and Jess are all pretty lucky.

[evolveme]

Originally Posted by June

This is braggable, quotable and embroiderable. All of which may be made up words.

Dear June,

We've been saying this in the South for generations. Don't quote me. Quote my mama's mama's mama's mama's mama.

I'm sure her name was Ida Mae. Or maybe Lena Mae. Or possibly Beulah Bernice.

(We also say, "Well knock me down and steal my teeth!" but that just doesn't have the same ring.)

Love,

e

P.S. I was equally enthralled by Isadora's words.

[christie]

Originally Posted by evolveme

I didn't want to let this one get me by. I have a feeling you're writing from the South, and maybe you're not, and I guess it doesn't matter, because anywhere really, this kind of achievement is still to be considered. Big business or small.

I'm glad you've been able to show them what you have to offer and that what you have to offer has moved the veil of 'But she's a woman' out of the way enough to allow you that promotion. Hot damn and good for you.

I also really liked your self-description. Sounds like they and Jess are all pretty lucky.

You were right on the money - Southern, conservative Richmond small business. And thank you for acknowledging the significance. I like to think I am changing minds... one at a time.

I would agree with you that Jess and "the boys" (as I refer to son/dad) are quite lucky to have me... but then that might sound conceited rather than convinced... and I left "convinced" outta the self-descriptor!

[christie]

Medusa -

While change is difficult, I have no doubt of your ability to navigate it flawlessly. Tomorrow, I will willingly wear something pink as my lil way of supporting you.

While some might find it a rather trite idea, for those who know that I abhor pink about as much as I do patchouli and Birkenstocks (ya'll can love 'em, I don't have to) and I ONLY wear pink in deference to the Sadistic Bastard's wishes, it is the biggest support I know to offer.

I wish I had such wonderfully wise advice like Isadora. I could only add:

Be kind to yourself.

Blessings,
Christie

[Gemme]

Originally Posted by Medusa

You made me cry. Right here at my desk. In front of everyone. And I dont care who thinks its messy.

Or maybe the situation made me cry. Lemme see what I can muster. (I always want to write "mustard" here because it's funnier but the Virgo in me cringes when I fuck up euphamisms)

Today I am sitting here at my desk at work where I really should be working but I am instead swirling in some heavy emotions and doing a lot of internal processing. I am listening to Angie Aparao on my ipod and he's doing a great cover of "Champagne Supernova" and maybe the pitch of his voice was just right or maybe it's the melody or the words but as I was reading your post, Adele, he sang the line "Where were you while we were getting high?" and he took the last note way, WAY out. The kind of sound where your heart is stretched thin like a piece of pink bubblegum and it feels the emotion of want and need and sound congealed behind notes and pulse.
So I cried. Because I am overwhelmed. Because I am sad. Because I am resolute. Because I am afraid. Because I am no longer afraid.

I have spent most of last night and today writing my resignation letter from a group that I have belonged to for 4 years. A group that has done important work that is specific to my way of being that I have always felt incredibly strongly about supporting. I came to a place at some point in the last several months where I realized that I had to step away. I came to a place over the last couple of weeks where I knew that stepping away would be scary. Over the last couple of days, I realized it would be painful. Over the last several hours I have felt a range of emotions from anger to resolve to sadness to something that feels like mourning.

I have been all at once afraid of the reactions of my fellow committee members and resolute to not care. I have struggled with being authentic and direct without being unecessarily hurtful. I have thought hard about my involvement with the organization and what it will mean to the friendships that exist inside of and outside of that space when I leave. My leaving centers around some ugly stuff. Mostly stuff that is outside of my control. Mostly stuff that is hurtful to the scope of the organization.
I am weary y'all. Weary to the core of my being.
I have for so long operated by trying to be authentic and honest but also on some level ,with a fear of confronting. Its hard. The "good girl" in me who says to "sit down, keep silent, smooth your dress, dont make waves, dont tell what you know" is very much at odds with the spiritual being in me that says "speak your truth, speak it clearly, demand transparency, demand honesty, stand up for truth".
This conflict has created a weird dichotomy in me in the last 2 days. One where I want to just vomit up a bunch of stuff in my resignation letter to show that I am leaving because things got too fucked up for me to be part of. Part of me wants to "go quietly into that good night". Part of me feels that either of these options would not be good. Part of me knows that there will be huge backlash for calling uncomfortable things out and shining a light on ugly truths.

I guess I came to this thread because I have often felt such peace in the arms of other Femmes. Such understanding. Such graceful beauty and love. And I need those things today to help the girl in me who is scared to speak to find her voice. And I needed to remember that I am not a horrible person for seeking the truth. Thank you, Adele.

I will be creating a new journey for myself by leaving this organization and speaking out. There will be broken friendships and pain and I dont want to be silent out of fear anymore. I am asking for some love here. Its often been hard for me to ask for help when I need it. So, this is me, asking you, my Femme sisters, to send me some courage.

This might be out of place here. I apologize for taking up space if it is.

Much love.

Would a full length semi trailer (53 feet) be enough courage and support? Cuz I have one of those sitting outside in the neighboring store's parking lot and I happen to know (sorta) how to get around in one of those suckers. It's only "borrowing" if I bring it back, right?

Though I haven't had the privilege of sharing breathing space with you, over the years I've formed an impression of you that seems to constantly be validated and reaffirmed by those who have met you and who do know you in the flesh and blood. You ARE authentic. You ARE strong. You ARE a good girl, except when you're not.

Your role in the existence of this very place provides visible evidence of your strength, fortitude, honor, courage and the vast expanse of your very soul, which reaches out to each and every one of us on a daily basis.

Kids say the darndest things and my gran credited me with saying something that I have no memory of saying but I remember her and gramps making references to it from time to time. She told me we were sitting on her back porch and she and my grandfather were upset about something and he was being gruff and started to well up. He turned to go inside before "us girls" could see him cry, muttering something about not being weak. I grabbed his hand and tugged at it until he hunkered down to my level. She said I placed my hands on his cheeks, looked him right in the eye and told him that a dam that allows some water to pass through without crumbling has to be stronger than one that cannot. It just HAD to be.

Okay, so it's a little kooky, but I think it's important to allow things, feelings, people to flow through and out of us. Every experience we have makes us stronger, better versions of ourselves. So this too, shall pass, and in the end, you will be stronger and better for it.

Much luck and love to you, Medusa.

[SassyLeo]

Originally Posted by Medusa

*snip*

I guess I came to this thread because I have often felt such peace in the arms of other Femmes. Such understanding. Such graceful beauty and love. And I need those things today to help the girl in me who is scared to speak to find her voice. And I needed to remember that I am not a horrible person for seeking the truth. Thank you, Adele.

I will be creating a new journey for myself by leaving this organization and speaking out. There will be broken friendships and pain and I dont want to be silent out of fear anymore. I am asking for some love here. Its often been hard for me to ask for help when I need it. So, this is me, asking you, my Femme sisters, to send me some courage.

This might be out of place here. I apologize for taking up space if it is.

Much love.

It is a testament to this group, these humans, these femmes, that you felt comfortable enough to come to this space to speak your thoughts, cry, unload, let go... I think that is the best gift anyone could receive, a safe space to be held in whatever way one needs. I think folks here are more than happy to do that

To Angie, from the other Angie (who does some more of that heart stretching):

[ame="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=46SUhb7wyK8"]YouTube- Angie Aparo - "I'll Be There" - Live at Room 5 Lounge[/ame]

[Arwen]

Originally Posted by apretty

(Authentic-Me says: Letting go is work, sometimes daily, sometimes on the hour and not everyone is in the same *place* -spiritually/emotionally- at the same time (therefore unable to hear uncomfortable stuffs), and in the end your only obligation is that you must be able to answer to *your fine-ass self*.)

I just needed you to know that this spoke to me on a very very personal level. You meant it for that fine Arkansas woman, but I'm taking it for myself as well. It may end up as the leaping off point of a blog entry--it gave me that much to think about.

Especially the bit bout others not being in the same *place*.

Valuable words. Gold, even. Thank you.

[Bit]

Originally Posted by evolveme

Bit, first, let me say that Blush asked:

"I'd be interested to hear from y'all what YOU(and by You I mean all y'all, not YOU personally, Kosmo) can do to change how we are perceived."

To me, it appears that she is asking femmes to answer her question, and politely asking Kosmo not to speak to a question s/he could not speak to.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{e}}}}}}}}}}}

And there ya have it. Neither of us could see who Blush was looking at when she expanded on that request; you assumed she was "looking around the room" at all the Femmes and asking Kosmo to be quiet; I assumed she was "looking around the room" and inviting participation not just from Kosmo, but from all the Butches and Transmen in the room--expanding her request, not limiting it.

Only Blush can say what she really meant. Again, if I am the only one who read her post that way, I apologize for derailing.

I hope that you can see that I was telling you, not what Kosmo feels--I don't have that right--but how the wording of your post made ME feel, and how it came across to me, a person who has been repeatedly silenced in discussions very much like this one.

I also hope that you will keep it in the forefront that I appreciate what you are doing in the creation and shepherding of this conversation, and I stand beside you in your goals for it. I just want it to be very clear who is and isn't welcome to post and to answer direct questions.

I fully admit that is my own issue. I. Hate. Conflict. This is NOT a "Good Girl" issue, nor any kind of socialization issue. It is because I am Empathic, which is a psychic skill; I cannot bear to watch people inflict pain on one another because *I* feel it every time. This is my issue; I own it. All I ask from you to help me stay in the conversation is clarity--which you have now given, thank you--about who is welcome to give opinions in the thread.

[KayCee]

Originally Posted by christie0918

I am a strong, independent, intelligent, feminine, imperfectly perfect, simply complex, female entity. My relationship does not define me. My partnering with a beautifully exquisite masculine female does not define me. Demanding that my voice be heard does not make me less feminine. It does not make me more masculine. Running the world and being Queen of all I see doesn’t make me less feminine or more masculine. It just makes me intelligently strong. It’s just me.

For me, it’s not about letting the world chose my role within it… It’s about me choosing how I am viewed in the world.

Christie

EXACTLY!..

[christie]

Originally Posted by christie0918

Medusa -

While change is difficult, I have no doubt of your ability to navigate it flawlessly. Tomorrow, I will willingly wear something pink as my lil way of supporting you.

While some might find it a rather trite idea, for those who know that I abhor pink about as much as I do patchouli and Birkenstocks (ya'll can love 'em, I don't have to) and I ONLY wear pink in deference to the Sadistic Bastard's wishes, it is the biggest support I know to offer.

I wish I had such wonderfully wise advice like Isadora. I could only add:

Be kind to yourself.

Blessings,
Christie

Pink socks with lil cherries on them.... check...

Pink scarf.... check...

[SuperFemme]

Originally Posted by Bit

{{{{{{{{{{{{{e}}}}}}}}}}}

And there ya have it. Neither of us could see who Blush was looking at when she expanded on that request; you assumed she was "looking around the room" at all the Femmes and asking Kosmo to be quiet; I assumed she was "looking around the room" and inviting participation not just from Kosmo, but from all the Butches and Transmen in the room--expanding her request, not limiting it.

Only Blush can say what she really meant. Again, if I am the only one who read her post that way, I apologize for derailing.

I hope that you can see that I was telling you, not what Kosmo feels--I don't have that right--but how the wording of your post made ME feel, and how it came across to me, a person who has been repeatedly silenced in discussions very much like this one.

I also hope that you will keep it in the forefront that I appreciate what you are doing in the creation and shepherding of this conversation, and I stand beside you in your goals for it. I just want it to be very clear who is and isn't welcome to post and to answer direct questions.

I fully admit that is my own issue. I. Hate. Conflict. This is NOT a "Good Girl" issue, nor any kind of socialization issue. It is because I am Empathic, which is a psychic skill; I cannot bear to watch people inflict pain on one another because *I* feel it every time. This is my issue; I own it. All I ask from you to help me stay in the conversation is clarity--which you have now given, thank you--about who is welcome to give opinions in the thread.

(((Bit))) I am not silencing you with the following post. I really LIKE you and want to gently tell you that there wasn't any conflict here. Boundaries? Check. Purpose of the OP being followed? Check. Silencing? No.

It's hard for *Me* to watch what is happening in this thread. We ARE as Femme's allowed to carve out a safe space to talk about ourselves and things unique to being Femme. About being seen as more than a supporter of all things Butch. It iis not unimaginable to ask butches or trans people to not opine on how a femme should be. Opinions are welcome but within the boundaries set forth.

What IS important here is that you speak for yourself. About yourself.
We are all here with open arms for that. Because often we don't get to do that.

I understand the empath thing. I am extremely empathic and have to work to shield myself. To not take on others feelings. That is hard work but well worth it.

e told you that she and Kosmo had much conversation behind the scene and nobody had hurt feelings. I don't feel like you heard that, and I hope you'll consider it. IF Kosmo had been hurt and/or there was conflict it is up to Kosmo to speak up, work through it and maybe learn in the process.

I had much trepidation about posting to you because you have said numerous times in this thread that you've been silenced a lot. I am speaking to you from both a gentle and loving place. I hope that shines through in what I am trying to say here.

[Medusa]

I just wanted to say a huge "Thank you" to everyone who offered support to me yesterday and today (pink socks!). I felt a tremendous rush of love and courage and have just sent my resignation letter.

I rewrote it several times so that I could check myself for anger, projection, and gross stuff and I feel like, with the love and support and suggestions from folks here, that I sent a resignation that is truthful, authentic, from my "me" place, and healthy.

I feel exponentially better.

Thank you all so so so much.

*exhale*

[blush]

My intention was to open up the conversation to butches/trans as to what THEY can do in their mindset or interactions with femmes to change how WE are perceived. All members of this community are accountable for how femmes are perceived. It will take all of us to make changes.

However, I'm certainly not seeking to be told by butches/trans what I (or femmes) can do to make myself "less invisible" or whathaveyou.

I, too, consider this space femme-based.

[Bit]

Originally Posted by SuperFemme

e told you that she and Kosmo had much conversation behind the scene and nobody had hurt feelings. I don't feel like you heard that, and I hope you'll consider it.

{{{{{{{{{{{Adele}}}}}}}}}}}} Thank you for posting from a gentle place. I have also been doing my best to post from a gentle place.

The reason you feel like I didn't hear what e said about conversation with Kosmo behind the scenes is that I believe that no one has the right to speak for Kosmo which is, after all, the point here: if no one has the right to speak for us except us, then how can we turn around and claim the right to speak for anyone else?

I think that there were many ways to interpret Blush's post, and I think it's clear that Kosmo interpreted it exactly the same way I did. That might be a mistake in interpretation, but answering a direct request for information is not, I think, the same as someone "invading our space" so to speak. Yes, we have the right to carve out our space... but I believe we should be willing to accept that sometimes people interpret things differently--which to me is not the same as deliberately stealing our space.

In the end, none of us got it right anyway; Blush posted that she meant something different. *wry smile*

Does this make sense? Can you see my point?

I have no arguments with this thread being Femme space. I have no arguments with e and the way she is shepherding the convo. I appreciate what she is doing. I just needed clarity--which e provided--about who is welcome to post.

Originally Posted by blush

My intention was to open up the conversation to butches/trans as to what THEY can do in their mindset or interactions with femmes to change how WE are perceived. All members of this community are accountable for how femmes are perceived. It will take all of us to make changes.

Thank you for clarifying, Blush. I appreciate it. As you can see from my answer to Adele, I also interpreted your post as a request to Butches and Transmen to tell us what we can do to change the way we are perceived. I'm sorry for the misinterpretation.

[Lynn]

I realize that nothing is perfect, but I just want to say that every time I read a post on this thread (and on a couple of others), I just breathe a huge sigh of relief. I'm so grateful that we can have discussions about difficult, emotional topics, and still treat each other with respect and kindness. So, to you (all) from my mushy place, THANK YOU! This kind of open, honest, thoughtful discourse is, for me, the opposite of silencing. And, it goes a long way toward providing a space for me to "be"--and hopefully, it does the same for the collective you. Thank you!!

Lynn

[evolveme]

I'm taking this to everyone.

I see what I feel to be some interesting things happening here from a sociological perspective. I created a thread in which we could explore the ways in which feminine people are sublimated by the overall masculine-over nature of our communities, but I also had an eye toward the way in which we permit that subjection. How we, femme people, propagate it, as it were.

On one level, the conversation I've been having with Bit has been frustrating for me (not Bit, just the convo). I only meant to show that a butch person cannot and should not answer for us a question that can only be answered by us. This isn't personal, it is necessary. I saw Kosmo rewording Blush's question in such a way as to make it only answerable by femmes, and for me, this was an opportunity to speak to my point from the OP.

On another level, this conversation has been an important one because of what it might have revealed, and how it allows us to engage.

When we're in discussions over trans topics, I know that I hear transfolks saying, "Cispeople cannot tell us what we need to do to be understood/seen/etc. In order to be good allies, they need to listen."

I know that in the female-id'd butch thread, if any other id'd individual were to make a suggestion to them about them, they'd have a great deal to say to that poster. I think they have that right.

The bottom line here is that I want us to be as fiercely protective of ourselves as we have always tended to be of others.

It keeps coming up that perhaps I should have shut down this conversation to certain other individuals. It is not my intention to show anyone the door. I am not going to ask anyone to stay out of this conversation. I desire participation. I love every kind of voice there is. Bring the variation. But I will speak to masculine-centrism where I see it, and to old habits when they reflect masculine-over thinking. I believe there has been masculine-over thinking evident in this thread, and not just by masculine people. It's super important to me that we all look at this, at ourselves and one another and consider this syndrome.

Right now:

I want to know what the rest of you are seeing.

I want to know if all of you would prefer to hear the voices of everyone here (should they choose to participate), or only femme voices.

A lot of good questions about how we participate in masculine-centrism were skipped over pages ago. I hope more of you will think about those questions and answer them.

I've been thinking about those questions and will try to come back with some answers.

[The_Lady_Snow]

*I* Snow a Femme person type, would love to have femme's speak for themselves and NOT take a step back and let or allow the butch talk on their behalf.. For me and this is just me- I don't think and I could be wrong that any butch can honestly speak for me, about me, and about what I experience...

I could be wrong though

[blush]

Originally Posted by The_Lady_Snow

*I* Snow a Femme person type, would love to have femme's speak for themselves and NOT take a step back and let or allow the butch talk on their behalf.. For me and this is just me- I don't think and I could be wrong that any butch can honestly speak for me, about me, and about what I experience...

I could be wrong though

Totally agree.

I certainly don't mind hearing from the "others," but this needs to be a femme-based space. As I said before, I'm mildly curious if these conversations the femmes are having are changing behaviors or attitudes with the "others," but I'm much more curious about our experiences and lives.

Bit, no worries! I re-read my post, and I wasn't clear.

[blush]

Originally Posted by Isadora

Truth with tact and timing is what I always think about when trying to work through something... I also ask myself several questions...especially when dealing with hurt or anger...

1. Who is the truth for?

2. Will they even hear it?

3. Is the purpose of telling the "truth" (because even truth is subjective, colored by our own perceptions of what the truth may be) to harm or heal?

4. Will telling the truth change anything for the better other than make me feel justified?

I have quit several groups in my life (and people) for many reasons. I seldom give a reason because I don't have to, or because I felt the ethics was not even there for them to even hear the issues. I have to admit that there are times when I have had to say, "ENOUGH" and moved on with as much self dignity as possible.

I think that we perceive that we have to justify our actions or needs...and we don't...just resign and leave with your head held high and your ethics clean and clear.

You go girl, and remember that you are powerful inside and that is what matters and stopping involvement is not a failure but an opportunity for growth and change. You can't keep pouring water in a full cup, it just gets messy, you have to empty it before you can refill it with another flavor. One that may be much more tasty!

I think femmes are "trained" to come up with an elaborate, bullet-proof reason for leaving or changing a situation. If the explanation doesn't satisfy the requirements of our audience, then we are expected act accordingly.

It reminds me of a Greek Chorus following me around.

In those situations, explaining may do one of 2 things:
-feeds their attention black hole (which may be why you're leaving anyway)
or
-subject your reasons to their judgment. They feel justified in telling YOU why YOUR reasons and YOUR choices are wrong.

I speak my truth when I need to. I don't speak it to satisfy others.

[Lynn]

I'm thinking about your questions, e, and considering my own reactions throughout the course of this thread.

Is it naive of me to think of this thread as some kind of separate, discrete space? I don't think so. Otherwise, why are there different forums and threads? Why can't I have the expectation that a discussion about femmes, for femmes, in a forum called "The Femme Zone," could be had WITH femmes?

I know that others are interested in this topic and supportive of the femmes they know and love. I don't mean to devalue that when I speak honestly and say that I don't think that has anything to do with the subject of femmes speaking about the femme experience. In this context, it becomes somewhat non-sequitor. Not wrong. Not mean, silencing, or anything bad. Just not related to the discussion that I perceive we're having. Of course, my perception isn't everyone's, and clearly, there are femmes who have a completely different viewpoint. It's not just *my* discussion, and I know that.

No one has ever asked me to respond to questions about being femme without also defining what that should mean to me. That, of course, leaves no room for my actual experience. It's really empowering and validating to have someone ask a question and then actually LISTEN to the answer. The validation comes from the sharing of experiences with others who can empathize because they've experienced the same things. Validation comes from just being listened to, with caring and understanding. That's my feeling about the beauty of this thread.