only another butch would understand

[Jett]

Originally Posted by Tommi

Can someone repost the link
I heard that it's going to be required reading before you get your high school diploma.

How misleading Thread Titles can be:

...only another Butch would understand. Pleeeaseeeeee I don't understand this turmoil. Reminds me of the TV shows where the gangs separate off while behind bars and condemn one another for being different.

We are a mere dot on the spectrum of this diversity rainbow.

AND TO THOSE POSTERS ABOVE , whether you know, accept me or not... It makes me heartsick to see us act like my Bio family did when they threw me away, and how society talked and tried to stomp out my light for 40 years.

I have fought to live as ME since I was 2 and a half. I do mean fought to live. I am one of the earlier Butch warriors here on this planet. Some of you know my life story, have met my bio famliy, and know the miracles of me still being alive, and being loved or rejected, I became ME, and don't need approval ratings.

I do know we should live, let live and appreciate every day, that we have the freedom to be here and to post to one another. Maybe, only when that freedom has been taken away, as mine had been, can we really understand, and extend the hand of friendship and acceptance to all.

Thanks for the respectful post shark, and to those who discovered the peaceful place called the Planet. I think I'm taking my toys and looking for another playground for now.

Tommi

Here you go Tommi <video>

[Jess]

When I saw the video discussed here , I forgot it had been posted on a different thread. "Tough Guise" is the thread title.

Fellow butches ( and femme allies participating) ... while this is a interesting discussion, it feels altogether too much like a debate going on on b-f.com regarding racism and white privilege. Do we each need to become responsible and "aware" of how our actions effect those around us? YES. Do we need to pointedly make others feel at fault for a phenomenon that may or may not specifically be their fault? I don't see the gain in that line of thinking.

The Golden rule, as simple as it may be, seems to work best in all of these situations. Sometimes the simplest answer is the best. Mind you, this is not to "silence" the very thoughtful discourse that is transpiring, simply one butches thought. Guess we don't "all understand" a great deal.

[sharkchomp]

Thank you Bulldog for your responce.

~~~shark~~~~~~

[BullDog]

Originally Posted by sharkchomp

Thank you Bulldog for your responce.

~~~shark~~~~~~

You are very welcome. Hopefully with time we will understand each other better. Have a great rest of the day.

[TROOPER]

Originally Posted by atomiczombie

The best thing in the whole wide world is a Femme who does understand.

BRAVO~~ Thanking the Heavens Above!!

[sharkchomp]

Originally Posted by BullDog

You are very welcome. Hopefully with time we will understand each other better. Have a great rest of the day.

That is my hope too. Have a great day too

~~~shark~~~~~~~~~

[Jett]

To start I'll make clear I am definitely and unabashedly a female, a queer and butch, and expect to be respected in all that, and desire to reflect the same respect to others in their identities. I'm not female "identified" per say, to clarify... I just am what I am, what I've always been and no longer see the reasoning behind announcing I'm a female every time I say I'm butch. I am a butch that's readily apparent and my point here... that is my reason in being here, to meet w/ like minds and experience despite minor id differences.

Bottom line for me here is that... and beyond that I'm neither impressed, repulsed or even remotely interested with what sex one is or how we choose to identify (except as I said in regards to respecting). Honestly, really I personally (me) don't feel "erased" because no one here has any power to do that to me... none. But I have felt disrespected directly and insidious ways (in the default pronouns/second besting of female masculinity/ etc.), I have seen the perpetuation and promotion of clearly negative messages about being female (not saying any group is solely responsible) and it does not just affect the female identified butches but every female here including femmes, transwomen etc. etc.

I never get it, it's not a secret: butchness- masculinity- femininity what ever doesn't hinge on how we choose to label ourselves. There's just not a lot of rhyme or reason, so why stomp on each others toes by perpetuating stereotypes of the butch ids? The more we get over this posturing the better off we'll be, and the better off the community will be.

I don't know, I think that's all I got for now, as I said previously, I don't know how deep I'll be into these particular conversations, I'm tired and really enjoying "just being" but I wanted to get this off my chest. I hope we can be a gentler, kinder community where no one will have to feel like just walking away. I do believe we can achieve something like that if we desire to.

Metro

(stereotyping/disrespect of id happens to male id too and I'm not negating that but speaking to my experience and me place)

[Queerasfck]

Speaking only for myself, I understand the need and importance to have a place for butches to gather and/or feel welcomed. It's a well meaning sentiment to say "only a butch would understand". As demonstrated here clearly, not all butches understand butches, not all butches are the same. I don't think there's anything wrong with that. If I want to, I can reduce myself to a cultural stereotype. See EZ fix the kitchen sink! See EZ sport a tie! See EZ watch football! Do I love those things? Yes, I do--even fixing the sink. Many times though I feel like there's a lot of butch posturing that goes on and it bores me, yet I've been guilty of it too on occasion.
Yes, I'm butch, yes I'm queer. It is 45 years in the making. My id is layer upon layer. It's been extraordinary and ordinary. Growing up like many people here I never felt like I fit in all the way, knew I was different from my peers. There was no one like "me". When I realized I was queer I joined the queer community and I made the simple assumption that everyone in it was a fantastic person!! Of couse I know now that it's not that way. And it's fine. So, reading this thread yesterday did bring up the issue of "fitting in" to me. So I was left with the question again, do I HAVE to fit in here? Pick a pronoun, pick a side!
I'm female on my driver's license. I don't see that changing in my future. Yet I have never felt so masculine in all my years as I do today. The pronoun thing? Yes I understand how it can be frustrating for some. If I get "sir'd" in public does that make me more masculine? If I get "mam'd" does that make me more feminine? It doesn't take away from my id. Inside I know. I'm me. My partner, she gets me. My closest friends know me. I'm comfortable in my own skin. I'm not saying any of this makes me better than the next butch. It's just how I view the world.
In the best case senario I would just like to be respected as a person and I try to do the same to others. At the end of the day that's what's important to me. I think most people feel that way.

[Toughy]

This may get to rambling so bear with me. I am going to try to address several posts and ideas without quoting the posts.

Many of you know I am a butch woman...that would be 2 genders and female pronouns. Yes I claim more than one gender. And to make things even more complicated, I also have a part of me......the powered up kinky leather Top/Dom......that is male identified and you best call me Syr. That would be 3 different genders occupying the same body, mind and soul. Each express different facets of who I am and how I move in the world.

Because I pass on a daily basis as a man, I understand what white male privilege looks and feels like. I know the difference in how folks relate to me depending on whether they see me as woman or man. I didn't ask for it, I don't want it, however.........I got it and I have to deal with it

I don't think it's unreasonable to ask male id'd and transmen to look at their role in how masculinity is valued over femininity in on-line butch-femme communities. There are 3 b/f websites (US) that I know about. On 2 of them, male pronouns are the default for all that are butch. The jury is out on this website, although I do read the intention that this site will be different.

If a butch decides they are male id'd or an individual decides they are a transman, then you have to take the hard with the easy. If you walk in the world as male/man then you are obligated to address (white) male privilege particularly in on-line space.

Misogyny is played out everyday. It's seen in male pronouns, in fun and fluff stuff that changes man to butch and woman to femme. It is institutionalized in the fabric of our cultures (on-line and r/t).

Men take up huge amounts of space. They are listened to first, they talk more, they talk over women, they discount women and they perpetuate violence against women. JUst watch the Tough Guise video and you will get an idea of what I mean.

It may not be a popular idea, but I do believe that butch/femme space is first a female space. It started that way. Over the years as gender identity came into the culture, this female space has (thankfully) expanded to be inclusive of the varying gender identities that compromise what is now a female queer space.

When I first came on line I was absolutely shocked and dumbfounded to be called he/hy just because I was butch. Only the masculine part of me seen and the woman part of me discounted and/or ignored. I actually came very close to not participating in on-line b/f space.

Male id'd and transmen do change the dynamic of any space they occupy. It's a fact. Men and women act differently. Men and women think differently. Men and women are different. Testosterone changes the way you think and act.

I don't understand why it is unreasonable to suggest that male id'd and transmen step up to the plate and acknowledge their privilege and how it affects interactions. I don't understand why it is unreasonable to expect they will be vocal about dismantling (white) male privilege in all spaces and particularly b/f space.

I think that's all I got right now.

[BullDog]

Thank you so much Toughy. This is exactly what I have been saying. Nothing I have been saying has anything to do with having anyone be unwelcome, feel bad about themselves or hate them. Maybe someone else saying this will help. I sure do hope so. This is an extremely important issue and has absolutely nothing to do with bashing anyone's individual or collective id. I am really troubled that many people do not appear to understand what we are talking about. Hopefully your post will help to clear some things up. Thank you again.

[Greyson]

Originally Posted by Toughy

Misogyny is played out everyday. It's seen in male pronouns, in fun and fluff stuff that changes man to butch and woman to femme. It is institutionalized in the fabric of our cultures (on-line and r/t).

Men take up huge amounts of space. They are listened to first, they talk more, they talk over women, they discount women and they perpetuate violence against women. JUst watch the Tough Guise video and you will get an idea of what I mean.

It may not be a popular idea, but I do believe that butch/femme space is first a female space. It started that way. Over the years as gender identity came into the culture, this female space has (thankfully) expanded to be inclusive of the varying gender identities that compromise what is now a female queer space.

When I first came on line I was absolutely shocked and dumbfounded to be called he/hy just because I was butch. Only the masculine part of me seen and the woman part of me discounted and/or ignored. I actually came very close to not participating in on-line b/f space.

Male id'd and transmen do change the dynamic of any space they occupy. It's a fact. Men and women act differently. Men and women think differently. Men and women are different. Testosterone changes the way you think and act.
I don't understand why it is unreasonable to suggest that male id'd and transmen step up to the plate and acknowledge their privilege and how it affects interactions. I don't understand why it is unreasonable to expect they will be vocal about dismantling (white) male privilege in all spaces and particularly b/f space.
I think that's all I got right now.

Toughy, Bulldog, Sharkchomp, Jess, Atomic, Met... all of you really thank you for your sharing your thoughts. I think this is an important topic to discuss. I am very heartened that our community is trying to talk about things that may be difficult to talk about for many.

Toughy, when you say butch-femme is primarily a female space; it started that way.... Do you mean that butches and femmes started with female bodies or is there more to it? You and I are in the same age group and I think we both have identified as butches for all of our adult lives. When we came out, I think in different parts of the USA, The Second Wave of Feminism was the self and media designated leaders of gay womens culture. The term "lesbian" was just beginning to be used in a positive fashion. Many many gay women had trouble acclimating to the word "lesbian."

We did not have a very large consciousness about Trans stuff. To be Trans was not an option for most. How would many of us know we were shades of a third gender or gender that is not static? We did not. I found myself in the camp of Butch-Femme. We were discarded and marginalized by the general population of Lesbians. I know you know this stuff. My point is I believe that many in the generation before us or the generation when we were baby butches, there was no room for female masculinity nor a gender outside of the binary. If you mean the butch-femme community started with people that were born into a biological/cisgender female body, I agree. If you mean female was the primary gender, I agee but I also think if we had more options at that point in time, "female space" would not have necessarily been the default.

Yes, misogyny is in the very fabric of our culture. Like you and Bully I do believe we have a responsibility to examine our masculinity. All of us of the butch bent have that responsibility. Not just Transmen and/or male identified. The larger culture is still assigning masculinity to "men." I think most of us in here know masculinity is not purely a male characteristic.

As for T changing the way we think and act, for me the jury is still out. I take T. I am much more vigilant about how I treat women, femmes. I have not turned into an angry, abusive, sexed crazed "man."

Before I started to take T, it was found I had high levels of testosterone for a female bodied person. I am willing to bet we have female identified butches in our community with higher then "normal" amounts of testosterone in their body. Are they thinking and acting differently?

I'm not trying to pick on you Toughy. I have read many of your posts because although I may not agree with you sometimes, I respect your mind, your intelligence.

As for the White Male Privilege, it does exist. I am not trying to fault anyone. I think Bulldog is just saying we need to start admitting to ourselves that male privilege does exist, and how will we begin to break it down in our community and assist in erradicating old and ignorant ideas and behavior starting with ourselves.

I think if we take a closer look we will find that most butches have been on the receiving end of some male privilege. And, we have also known discrimination because we did not look like the "norm" for a female bodied person.

Finally, "White Male Privilege" and "Male Privilege." I think it is a bit of a different experience for butches, Transmen that are "other." How many black or brown men do we seen in the prisons? At the head of Corporations, in lead positions?

Like Jess says, the Golden Rule is a pretty good start.

[BullDog]

Greyson what an awesome post. Thank you so much. What you said about what I have been trying to say is absolutely correct.

I also very much agree with how all butches have experienced varying degrees of privilege and discrimination. It is also still true that male is valued over female- including in both real time and online queer communities- and that needs to be recognized by everyone before anything can change. Getting defensive or being in denial will not change anything.

I believe we all have a responsibility to be aware of our own impact in the communities we participate in and be aware of the inequities that exist. Otherwise nothing is ever going to change.

You also point to some other variety important factors in regards to history as well as differences between white male and/or masculine privilege and those for people of color.

Thanks again Greyson. Awesome post.

[Bob]

Originally Posted by EzeeTiger

...I'm not saying any of this makes me better than the next butch.

What's all this up in this joint, a meeting of the Joint Mis-alliance of Differently-Gendered COMMIES?

I'm not afraid to say it. I AM better than the next butch.

[Just_G]

I, too, was thrown off by the title of this thread....but have been reading as it goes, and here is my .02: I have met a lot of you in r/t and really enjoyed getting to know a lot of you. I do not participate in these deep discussion threads because honestly, some of the language that you all use goes right over my head. It is all a little too deep for me, and I guess I just don't think as deeply or as seriously or as intilectually as you all. Not saying there is anything wrong with that...just not my cup of tea. I am more the class clown than anything.
When I am in the same room and spending time with other butches, I truly just enjoy their company. I have talked everything from sports, tools, home design, and knitting when in the company of butches. (granted, I didn't have much input on the knitting thing...but that is because I can't sit still that long. ) I just love being around likeminded people. People that know we are all different, yet we have some things in common too, whether it is something we have been through or whatever.

I want to apologize if I have ever offended any of you by using the wrong pronoun....reading Medusa's post really made me think about that. I am going to make a conscious effort to be better about that.

As for me; I don't get offended either way. When I am around my friends I have met through the other site, I love that I am acknowledge with masculine pronouns because that is truly how I feel on the inside, and in my head. On an every day basis in my real life...it is always she.

Anyway, carry on....I'll keep reading.

[Greyson]

Originally Posted by Just_G

I, too, was thrown off by the title of this thread....but have been reading as it goes, and here is my .02: I have met a lot of you in r/t and really enjoyed getting to know a lot of you. I do not participate in these deep discussion threads because honestly, some of the language that you all use goes right over my head. It is all a little too deep for me, and I guess I just don't think as deeply or as seriously or as intilectually as you all. Not saying there is anything wrong with that...just not my cup of tea. I am more the class clown than anything.
When I am in the same room and spending time with other butches, I truly just enjoy their company. I have talked everything from sports, tools, home design, and knitting when in the company of butches. (granted, I didn't have much input on the knitting thing...but that is because I can't sit still that long. ) I just love being around likeminded people. People that know we are all different, yet we have some things in common too, whether it is something we have been through or whatever.

I want to apologize if I have ever offended any of you by using the wrong pronoun....reading Medusa's post really made me think about that. I am going to make a conscious effort to be better about that.

As for me; I don't get offended either way. When I am around my friends I have met through the other site, I love that I am acknowledge with masculine pronouns because that is truly how I feel on the inside, and in my head. On an every day basis in my real life...it is always she.

Anyway, carry on....I'll keep reading.

G!!! I never told you but I have wanted to see you post and express your opinion on some of the "deeper" subjects for a very long time. I don't think this stuff is so intellectual. I have always appreciated your humor and community spirit but I also suspect you have opinions that are as valid as anyone elses. Now, can you teach me a little about not being sooo serious?

[Toughy]

When I am in the same room and spending time with other butches, I truly just enjoy their company. I have talked everything from sports, tools, home design, and knitting when in the company of butches. (granted, I didn't have much input on the knitting thing...but that is because I can't sit still that long. ) I just love being around likeminded people. People that know we are all different, yet we have some things in common too, whether it is something we have been through or whatever.

The post is the epitome of what this thread speaks to: things only another butch would understand. The 'butch bonding' luncheon at the Bash when it was in Oakland was this truth in action. None of us gave a shit about pronouns (we tried to be respectful), male, female, trans, white, black, brown, red, pony, doggie or any thing else. It was an opportunity to be with like-minded butch/masculine folks and to be just yourself.

It was an amazing thing and spawned the Butch Voices Conference.

thanks for saying this G.

[Mister Bent]

Originally Posted by Toughy

I don't think it's unreasonable to ask male id'd and transmen to look at their role in how masculinity is valued over femininity in on-line butch-femme communities.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable either. I did take exception to some very specific language that felt exclusionary to me (whether by intent or not).

I’d like to note that BullDog initially recommended Tough Guise to all masculine individuals and suggested we all examine our masculinity. In subsequent posts by others, and yours here, the directive has been mysteriously pared down to focus more on those with male identity. The issue was presented as relevant to masculinity, not exclusively male identity. Then BullDog made the leap to male privilege. Unfortunately, marrying those two points as she did in her post has served to cloud the issue. I say “unfortunately” because I think each are worthy of further examination and dialog on their own.

If we’re talking about masculinity and needing to examine it and how it plays out in online space, then there can be no exclusion from that responsibility for non-male id’ed butches, because to do so perpetuates the fallacy of a hierarchy (i.e., who has "more masculinity").

The conversation about male privilege and its relevance in this venue is one well worth having – as heated as it is likely to be.

Originally Posted by Toughy

If a butch decides they are male id'd or an individual decides they are a transman, then you have to take the hard with the easy. If you walk in the world as male/man then you are obligated to address (white) male privilege particularly in on-line space.

When discussing male privilege you cannot lump male id’ed, non-transitioned (of the non-passing variety) individuals in with those who navigate the world at large as men. I know I wouldn’t be alone in enumerating the ways in which acknowledging my male, or even masculine, nature has never made anything “easier” for me. The very notion is absurd.

When talking about male privilege, don’t lump me in that pile because I have a preference for male pronouns in the very limited applications in my life where I can experience them. Accepting the assertion that I don’t have male privilege in real time, show me the ways in which it is viewed that male identified folks experience male privilege in an online space (outside of the aforementioned default male pronoun usage, which I have not personally experience).

Bottomline? I’m not trying to sell you what the patriarchy would have you buy. But, I reviewed the checklist – male privilege? I just don’t have it. I’m not in denial, I’m real. Further, I disbelieve transfolk can be saddled with it (other than as a veil, a veneer of privilege with serious limitations and exclusions). I do believe that a lot of what's being said here, however, sounds a lot like transphobia.

Toughy, you said, “Because I pass on a daily basis as a man, I understand what white male privilege looks and feels like.” I’m going to accept that as your acknowledgement – just as you say others need to acknowledge - that you have male privilege. I applaud you for being willing to be the first to take that step forward. It’s one I, too, would have taken if I understood what it feels like to personally experience male privilege.

Respectfully, I have no desire to negate your (collective) experiences online of erasure, or of not being seen (though I do think you are very much seen and heard). I don’t want to dismiss or discredit your feelings around these issues (I have argued alongside some of you in defense of female masculinity). I simply believe that placing the responsibility for that condition on the male privilege of certain types of butches is invalid assignment.

[Dylan]

Originally Posted by BullDog

What I said yesterday was that having male identified people in a primarily female queer space introduces power dynamics, hierarchies, privileges, etc that would not be there- in the same way- if male identified people were not there, just as white people being in a group of people is different than if it was a community that was made up of all people of color. Does that mean I think that male identified people shouldn't be here? No, it does not. Does it mean I think male identified people are to blame entirely for the hierarchies, the erasure, the misogyny that has taken place. No, I do not. We have all played a role in it.

However, I believe that male identified people have a responsibility to recognize that their presence does make an impact and it absolutely has to do with how male is valued over female- in society and in queer communities. The fact that transmen have their own struggles does not lessen this fact. I believe transphobia stems from misogyny as well.

Masculinity is valued over femininity. That means YOU too need to check your shit. This is something you constantly put on male ID'd butches and transmen. Also, this happens to femmes ALL the time from BUTCHES...PERIOD.

And here's the other thing. I was invited to this site (as many many people were)...not in SPITE of who I am, but BECAUSE of who I am. This site is NOT (as has been reiterated by the Admin time and time again) female space or lesbian space. This was made VERY clear to me before I signed up. I'm sorry if that ruins your picture perfect, "butches are women" motto, but that's the way it is...Admin's said it NUMEROUS times.

WOMEN do not OWN butch femme...PERIOD. If you don't like male ID'd butches, or if you don't like FTMs, don't talk to them. Say whatever you like in your private 'females and female pronouns only' clubhouse, but your post is offensive and exclusionary on what was presented to me as a very QUEER INclusionary space. If this space is NOT supposed to be inclusionary of the entirety of the queer community, then I will freely leave and take my business elsewhere, because I've HAD it with this type of transphobia...especially coming from gender variant folks.

It's been presented to me that this is a QUEER website meant for ALL variations thereof.


Dylan

[BullDog]

Mister Bent I have never switched over who I recommended the Tough Guise video to. I believe it is important for everyone to watch that has a chance, and I certainly encourage all butches and other types of masculine identified people to watch it.

I never switched from saying all masculine identified people have a responsibility to examine masculinity.

Male and masculine are not the same thing. Male identified people have certain privileges and therefore responsibilities that I don't have in addition to having many over lapping ones that we share as masculine identified people. Just like I as a white person have certain privileges and responsibilities that people of color don't have.

I have also never equated male privilege or life experience of transmen with biologically born (in the legally recognized sense) males.

I am not sure where the confusion is coming from. I haven't switched anything.

[BullDog]

Originally Posted by Dylan

Masculinity is valued over femininity. That means YOU too need to check your shit. This is something you constantly put on male ID'd butches and transmen. Also, this happens to femmes ALL the time from BUTCHES...PERIOD.

And here's the other thing. I was invited to this site (as many many people were)...not in SPITE of who I am, but BECAUSE of who I am. This site is NOT (as has been reiterated by the Admin time and time again) female space or lesbian space. This was made VERY clear to me before I signed up. I'm sorry if that ruins your picture perfect, "butches are women" motto, but that's the way it is...Admin's said it NUMEROUS times.

WOMEN do not OWN butch femme...PERIOD. If you don't like male ID'd butches, or if you don't like FTMs, don't talk to them. Say whatever you like in your private 'females and female pronouns only' clubhouse, but your post is offensive and exclusionary on what was presented to me as a very QUEER INclusionary space. If this space is NOT supposed to be inclusionary of the entirety of the queer community, then I will freely leave and take my business elsewhere, because I've HAD it with this type of transphobia...especially coming from gender variant folks.

It's been presented to me that this is a QUEER website meant for ALL variations thereof.


Dylan

Dylan stop with your hyperbole and exaggerations already. It was a tired act long ago. I have never said anything about all women or all female space.

I do check my SHIT all the time as a masculine identified person. I have also discussed this in my posts in this thread.

Just stop already.