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Old 05-12-2010, 11:30 PM   #161
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1. with regards to pronouns: i ask, prior and i default 'she' for butches because i know more 'she' than 'he/hy' butches and while 'he' seems a the go-to pronoun 'online' --i like continuity (and newsflash: she does not equal less-than).

2. i think the importance in talking about how/why x-person says her partner is 'a man' with a one small detail like *boobs* comes down to the *qualifying* your female partner (as man-but-for) makes your relationship less-than authentic in the eyes of the average and straight reader.

also, it defeats the purpose of being an OUT "lesbian" --and this is what nixon talked about for a good part of the interview (that both partners desired to be *out* and prior, nixon's manager/publicist person had discouraged her from disclosing her relationship.).

3. so, whether or not she 'chose' to be the spokesperson for 'female and gay' --a big article in the ADVOCATE will spotlight what you're doing/what it's all about/what it looks like/sounds like/feels like to the person unfamiliar with female masculinity.


full quote:
"She's basically a short man with boobs. A lot of what I love about her is her butchness. I'm not saying I fell in love with her in a sexually neutral way. I love her sexuality - it's a big part of what I love about her - but I feel like it was her. It wasn't something in me that was waiting to come out. It was like, 'This person is undeniable. How can I let this person walk by?'
finally, i find it curious that nixon reduces her partner to male/female body parts while she resists fully owning her sexuality, instead places it square on the shoulders of her partner: "...i feel like it was her. it wasn't something in me..."

*and i'm not a big sex/the city fan, to be fair. (not sure if that matters)

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Old 05-12-2010, 11:39 PM   #162
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Originally Posted by Martina View Post
i think what you're supposed to do is recognize that it's sexist. I doubt that the butches want or need your sympathy.
Right, what she said... thanks Martina.

I'm not sure where things come off as looking for anything but recognition of the issues put forth. Truth, maybe if more peeps could get past trying to read in between the lines conversations like these would get so fucky nuts in the first place.

Sez me who's pretty damn tired of these convos as well, wish there wasn't a need for them, but there is.
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Old 05-12-2010, 11:50 PM   #163
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Me: in red.

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Originally Posted by Arwen View Post

Heart, I am going to tell you that I think you are being unfair and single-minded in your quest to make others agree with you rather than actually discuss this. Can you explain in what way you feel a sense of unfairness in the points Heart has articulated? Specifically unfair to whom and in what way. I'm confused by your charge and would like to understand your point of view...Do you honestly want discussion or do you want conversion on this topic? Because I'm not sure. My gut reaction is that you want discussion but it feels like conversion to me. I own that reaction might simply be my own baggage.Again, I'm confused by the discussion vs. conversion that you bring up. A clearly articulated point of view in a discussion could "convert" or change a point of view I suppose but it seems like in your context you mean something coercive? And I would like to understand what you mean.

I think there is a created hatred between female-id butches and masculine-id butches. I'm not sure who or how or why it got created, but it is a virus in our community.My perspective is different on this and I hope your sense of hatred in our community is not true. As a butch woman I feel respected and supported by many men and males in this community, and I certainly hope others feel the same.

Personally, I ask folks how they id if they are of the butch persuasion. Yes, I will default to he because I'm lazy--not because I devalue women. However, I also ask people which pronoun they prefer because that's important to me--to use the language they want used.You say you default to he because you are lazy, but why choose he over she? Why not default to she out of laziness? Or was it a coin flip situation? Maybe you could default to he half of the time, and she the other, or at least randomize the laziness? Why privilege he?

However, I often feel as though in threads like this, I'm supposed to feel guilty or sorry for female-id butches who are called he. I also feel that I'm supposed to feel guilty or sorry for masculine-id butches who get called she.
If I decide to call everyone on this site including yourself "he" because it is easier for me and you correct me, should I feel guilty? Should I pity you? What if I just call everyone "it"?
Sometimes I don't think I can win at this contrived freaking id game. I really don't. As a woman my femaleness is not "contrived". I don't understand why you think being a woman is contrived. Are you saying there is no such thing as a woman?

And I am not sure I want to.

Now before anyone jumps down my throat, let me explain why.

I'm freaking tired of the id game. I battle my own id war all the time (except when I am in a specifically BF group) so sometimes, you will have to forgive me for not giving a rat's patootie about anyone else's id. To be clear- that works both ways, right? You don't give a rat's patootie how anyone refers to you either right?

I do stand for someone's right to be called what they want. I do honor a person's choice in their id. Except that it's a contrived id that you don't give a rat's ass about?

I do not honor the notion that because X, Y and X butches are female-id, it means A, B, and C's masculinity is feminized. How can one person's personal choice of id be affected by someone's else's?I don't know- I don't see this happening but I respect that you do and maybe I am missing it.

I guess I'm truly tired right now and this discussion is working my last queer nerve.

Bottom line. I can see where calling a butch woman a "man with boobs" is offensive. I believe I even said that here. I will remove the personalization inherently added by the fact that it was said by someone in the news. I will remove the personalization of wondering whether or not her partner gives a flying rat's patoot about it.
You say that you can see where the particular example cited by the Op could be offensive. As a woman who is non-traditionally feminine I can tell you that for me personally I have received a lifetime of commentary and intrusion based on my non-conformity to socio/political ideals of what females should look like and how they should behave. Much of this commentary centers on the idea that I am less than a "real" woman, ergo male. Yet I am not male. I am but one variation of all the things that are female. I am damn tired of being told I am less of a woman. Damn tired. And I come to this community for support and sisterhood from other butch women and our allies. Not to be told I am a male. Not deliberately out of hatred as happens in my everyday lesbophobic mysogynist culture, and not because someone is too "lazy" to remember that women exist.

I just wonder if we will ever have a day, an hour, a nanosecond where my choice of id doesn't interfere with your(generic) choice of id.

If I can state that I don't id as a (fill in the blank), without pissing off/offending/hurting all those who do id as a (fill in the same blank).

That's what I get so damned tired of. Linus' id doesn't affect Jackhammer's. Jackhammer's doesn't affect Met's. Met's doesn't affect Boots13. ad nauseum

Does anyone think we can ever get there? Where we don't even need discussions about female-id vs butch-id? Where it just doesn't freaking matter?I'm not sure what you mean by female-id vs. butch id. I think all the butch women responding here are both female and butch. Can you please explain what you mean by female vs. butch? I would like to understand.

I just get so tired.
I don't get tired of respecting other community members be they femme, butch, androgynist, bisexual, lesbian, male, woman, female, no gender, men, intersexed, or whatever. I feel energized by the diversity of this community, not taxed and exhausted. Is there anything we can do to help you feel better? What would make the diversity feel better for you?
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Old 05-12-2010, 11:56 PM   #164
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Originally Posted by Toughy View Post
As to Daddy and Syr............well those are erotic and/or sexuality identities for Me.
Well, Daddy I -do- get and I'll give you that (and I never give anybody anything). But know that the "Sir" I was referring to was really a lowercase "sir". I was talking about if Nick says "on your way back from the kitchen grab me a drink" or "hold this" and I say "yes sir!" and click my heels sarcastically. (That's just an example, I would never be sarcastic with the spouse. Please!) Why is that just shrugged off? Nick is not a man. But, for some reason, most of this online community would be squicked out if I were to "yes, ma'am!" and click my heels at Nick.

Quote:
However I would suggest that there are Femme Daddies and Femme Syrs. I know some.............<looking at Snow>.
Snow is hot. If I wasn't married I would totally try to do it with her. I have no idea what "it" is, and I would like to apologise now for this temporary derail.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Heart View Post
or demanded an apology because I used the word "dude," while its a-okay to call a butch a "short man with boobs."
Well, when you and me have been dating for years and are raising a child together maybe then you can call me pretty much whatever you please without pissing me off, okay? We simply do not have the kind of relationship where it's okay to for you to call me anything other than my name. Which is Brandy.

Quote:
My intent was continually derailed because basically no one wants to have this conversation.
It seems to me that the only conversation that you are interested in having is the one where everybody stays completely within the rules of topic that you defined in your initial post without the topic ever expanding or evolving in any way shape or form. Oh, and that it's also very important that everybody agree with you - which doesn't make for very interesting conversation as far as I'm concerned.

Quote:
Would it have been SOOOOO hard to stop for a second and consider what I'm saying? That masculine women identified butches are not men, and do not need to be compared to men in order to be defined or understood.
Nobody is disagreeing with you on that. At all. So what is the problem, here?

In fact, I tried to have a conversation with you on that -exact- topic (see my post about it not being okay to call every Butch on the planet "he" just because it's convenient) but instead of engaging in conversation you accused me of "baiting" you.

I think what you actually wanted was a thread where you made your initial post, and a bunch of people posted 2-3 word sentences along the lines of "you're so right!" "it's awful!" "grody bad behaviour!" and that was it.


p/s - I get that this thread isn't about Femmes, but i do want to put out there that this across-the-board referring to all Butches as "he" really lends to the invisibility of Femmes. If I am on the bus, at work, at the mall, on the phone with my parents and referring to my spouse as "he"...then nobody is ever going to know who Nick is, and by extension of that who I am.
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Old 05-13-2010, 12:11 AM   #165
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grabbing's heart's post:

"We live in a world where what it means to be a woman is so restricted and devalued and female masculinity is so under-represented, that a woman as sophisticated as Cynthia Nixon publicly calls her butch lover "a short man with boobs." Ugh."

This thread is almost having me convinced to fuck the binary completely and keep my man boobs intact. (almost, I said)..

but how valid is a discussion of ID in this thread when really what I see from Heart's initial post, it's more about a MACRO not MICRO perspective. In other words, it has nothing to do with Cynthia or Christine or you or me or anyone on a personal level, but a constant persistent objectification and reduction of the human female form, perpetuated ad infinitum.

I'm not saying personal reactions are not valid, though.

Take Cynthia out of the equation and look solely at the statement, the sound bite. It speaks volumes and that's what people (mainstream) see. They don't see the woman behind the boobs.
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Old 05-13-2010, 12:15 AM   #166
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Arwen View Post

Heart, I am going to tell you that I think you are being unfair and single-minded in your quest to make others agree with you rather than actually discuss this. Do you honestly want discussion or do you want conversion on this topic? Because I'm not sure. My gut reaction is that you want discussion but it feels like conversion to me. I own that reaction might simply be my own baggage.

I think there is a created hatred between female-id butches and masculine-id butches. I'm not sure who or how or why it got created, but it is a virus in our community.

Personally, I ask folks how they id if they are of the butch persuasion. Yes, I will default to he because I'm lazy--not because I devalue women. However, I also ask people which pronoun they prefer because that's important to me--to use the language they want used.

However, I often feel as though in threads like this, I'm supposed to feel guilty or sorry for female-id butches who are called he. I also feel that I'm supposed to feel guilty or sorry for masculine-id butches who get called she.

Sometimes I don't think I can win at this contrived freaking id game. I really don't.

And I am not sure I want to.

Now before anyone jumps down my throat, let me explain why.

I'm freaking tired of the id game. I battle my own id war all the time (except when I am in a specifically BF group) so sometimes, you will have to forgive me for not giving a rat's patootie about anyone else's id.

I do stand for someone's right to be called what they want. I do honor a person's choice in their id.

I do not honor the notion that because X, Y and X butches are female-id, it means A, B, and C's masculinity is feminized. How can one person's personal choice of id be affected by someone's else's?

I guess I'm truly tired right now and this discussion is working my last queer nerve.

Bottom line. I can see where calling a butch woman a "man with boobs" is offensive. I believe I even said that here. I will remove the personalization inherently added by the fact that it was said by someone in the news. I will remove the personalization of wondering whether or not her partner gives a flying rat's patoot about it.

I just wonder if we will ever have a day, an hour, a nanosecond where my choice of id doesn't interfere with your(generic) choice of id.

If I can state that I don't id as a (fill in the blank), without pissing off/offending/hurting all those who do id as a (fill in the same blank).

That's what I get so damned tired of. Linus' id doesn't affect Jackhammer's. Jackhammer's doesn't affect Met's. Met's doesn't affect Boots13. ad nauseum

Does anyone think we can ever get there? Where we don't even need discussions about female-id vs butch-id? Where it just doesn't freaking matter?

I just get so tired.
I said this essentially to you privately, but I'm going to state it here because it's important to me (with addition).

As far as ID goes... I'm butch... not a game it's just life, and my sex and gender are not my ID... they are what they are, neither a game nor a choice to be played out for anyone else to win or lose at.

I take it seriously, yep... and I expect respect around them... and I won't accept any less. I don't expect any less from myself in interaction with others either... golden rule thing, do unto others and all, it works for me.

That's why I'm in this conversation when I'd rather be well, doing just about anything else.

More importantly, I also stated I don't think or see a "hatred between" ID's... sure there's some peeps with insecurities and some peeps are maybe just cranky but I personally have friends of all ID's here... because they are good peeps male and female alike. I think that's pretty important to make clear.

I have issues with other things you said, but quite honestly, it's late, it's not worth it to me and life's too damn short as it is.

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Old 05-13-2010, 12:24 AM   #167
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No Jack, I am not talking about you, Medusa, the Moderators, Techno Geeks, or anyone else helping to make this website what it is.

I have privately and publicly thanked all of you several times. I just did so earlier today:

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Chris, my fellow geek, you know I will always back you up! Yes, I compared the meta keywords for BFP and another butch femme site. Butch woman and femme woman are listed for BFP, not the other site. The other site does list masculine identified butches as one of their keywords, no other qualifiers for butch.

Keywords are how people find things on the internet, so yes it makes a big difference. It also makes a big difference to me to see the effort of inclusiveness being put forth by the owners, Admins and moderators of this website.
I don't need any special privileges, parking passes, etc etc. I have friends and allies across the gender spectrum. Certainly some of my best allies and friends in the world are trans men. I don't play the male vs. female game.
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Old 05-13-2010, 01:08 AM   #168
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I feel VERY disrespected if someone else has a different view about HOW I should be, WHAT I should be.
And I don't need special privileges or parking passes to speak up about it.
And I don't need to play my "female oppression card" (that's like a "race card", right?).
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Old 05-13-2010, 01:37 AM   #169
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I don't have an oppression card.
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Old 05-13-2010, 02:47 AM   #170
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[QUOTE=Toughy;104615]

Sexuality and kink identifications are not the same as gender ID. I am woman. I am butch...........I am not man nor do I want to be one or compared to one.

The general public who read 'short man with boobs' has no earthly idea about the nuances of gender/sexuality/kink. Hell half of this community doesn't get kink and it's relationship (or lack of) to sexuality and gender.

What the general public read was masculine woman=man.

[QUOTE]

Yup! Sexuality & kink identifications are not the same! At all!!! Also, the statement in included with boobs... Just doesn't equate to me. the reference places butch in a male default. Which is something that does bug many of us.

I am wondering too if some male-identified butches might take offense as well.. and then there is the short thing. This could set off some butches or short people in general. I can see transmen being offended too due to sensitivity to the narrow definitions of women in general. After all, there are many feminist transmen here that are partnered with women and they have experienced past sexism (along with transphobia) themselves. Many femmes find this offensive- the OP for one.

I have no idea if she was just making a statement in jest, could be. Maybe it is a term of endearment, dunno. I don't hold her to any higher standard. I am offended as a butch, a feminist and as a woman, however. Crazy, ultra offended- no. Just think its important for people to say what they feel about this because we all do have some deep feelings about gender and sexism, no matter how we identify.

I do not feel this so called hatred between male and female identified butches or transmen. I have at times in the past, but honestly see movement in our working through anger and differences. Sure, there has been heated discussions and oh, so, many gender threads about butches. This tells me that we are a complex group with individual characteristics representing a multitude of what a butch is. I have learned alot by reading differing posts about other's butch identity.


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Old 05-13-2010, 02:59 AM   #171
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I think she was kidding.

I have jokingly referred to myself as a guy with boobs. Lets face it, butches are just like men in many ways. Its kind of like saying she is a guy and a girl rolled into one.
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Old 05-13-2010, 03:34 AM   #172
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ARGH!!!

Who said it and why she did IS NOT THE FUCKING POINT!

I had high hopes for this discussion and feel frustrated as hell that we can't have a conversation about the underlying meaning of the statement in terms of what it says about women and especially butch women. And i believe we can do this without any negative assumptions about male identified butches or transmen. In fact, they just might have some good things to say as well in looking at narrow definitions of women in general as well as butch identity. Not all of us buy into butch-wars and hate each other.

You know, this isn't about taking sides.... honoring differences can make a powerfully strong bridge to understanding.

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Old 05-13-2010, 05:49 AM   #173
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Who says something, and why it's said does matter because it speaks to context. Seeing what CN said, in print, raised some bile for me. I didn't think that she meant anything negative. In fact, what I thought she was doing, by saying, "basically," was explaining. Who knows? Maybe she struggles with accepting herself and trying to figure out where she fits in, like me. Like a lot of us. Maybe it was an awkward, "Oh shit. Did I just say that?" moment. I have them fucking all the time. Good thing I obsessively edit what I write on line, or you would see my foot in my mouth pretty often. What she said is relevant to me. Not because I give a crap about her, especially. It's just that her comments (obviously) hit a nerve because they reflect the underbelly of emotion that is more difficult to deal with. That SHE said something like "men with boobs" doesn't really bother me. That it was said at all does cause me some discomfort. If it's a springboard for self-examination and discussion, why is it so upsetting when some of us find it relevant to reference? Why does a discussion have to go in a particular way in order for it to be legitimate?
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Old 05-13-2010, 06:27 AM   #174
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Originally Posted by Bad_boi View Post
I think she was kidding.

I have jokingly referred to myself as a guy with boobs. Lets face it, butches are just like men in many ways. Its kind of like saying she is a guy and a girl rolled into one.

See I have to disagree with you here Bad Boi... Butches ARE NOT just like men, now mind you there are some ass munchers who will play out the guy role, be jerky, an ass clown, have a touch of misogyny but they are NOT men.. Now, I am not a butch so perhaps I speak out of line, I do however have friends from both ends of the spectrum and in between, who would take offense at the fact that they are looked upon as the *men* of our community. They aren't and they should not have that expectation put on them by their allies or their own brethren.


It's clear and simple, for some unknown fucked up reason *men* even in our own fold is used first, as if woman was a lower than descriptor, heaven forbid a butch be in touch with their cunt or breasts because not only is it going to *squick* their future dating scene it's going to get alot of jabs from their own (other butches)

Female Identified butches have been screaming this out over and over since hell I can remember on any of these sites..


I am butch...........I am not man nor do I want to be one or compared to one.


Ms Potty gave a good example, if she had said this to her partner

Nick is not a man. But, for some reason, most of this online community would be squicked out if I were to "yes, ma'am!" and click my heels at Nick.

There would of been some kind of rant because Nick was feminized. THAT makes me crazy!!!

I can't stand and I get how frustrating it is to have being *woman* turned into something less than or icky.

It's not... I don't experience this kind of gender wars as much on the outside as I do on here, I meet someone and I get to know them and if they say hey I prefer *hy, he, she, shym zi" then I will use it, other than that they are *Al* I don't assume that their gender id is male regardless of what they wear or what scent they have on. *I* don't want anyone to slap a label on me without asking so therefore I try not to do it to anyone else.

Anyways, my point is Bad Boi, NO I will not face it, butches are not like men.

End of my rant.
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Old 05-13-2010, 06:32 AM   #175
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Originally Posted by Bad_boi View Post
I think she was kidding.

I have jokingly referred to myself as a guy with boobs. Lets face it, butches are just like men in many ways. Its kind of like saying she is a guy and a girl rolled into one.
First I did not mean to thank you............I clicked the wrong button.

Let me be perfectly clear..............

I am NOT like a man in any way period. full stop. I am a masculine woman. Not a man.

It's stuff like this that really chaps my ass..............makes me wonder if you actually read the thread............
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Old 05-13-2010, 07:37 AM   #176
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I promised myself I was gonna stay out of this thread *sigh*

I have read every single post here, and given this a great deal of thought and, as usual, am not entirely sure what I think about all of this. It's not just about this thread...that's my normal state of being.

Truly, I do get that the conversation isn't about what CN said or the context or whatever. I think we can all agree that partners say things about each other in affection or jest that could be taken as disrespectful or even misogynistic by those outside of the relationship. Scoote calls me a hot little bitch...among other things...and while I would not tolerate that from anyone else on earth, from her it I like it...and it makes me giggle and get that warm, fuzzy thing going.

I'm rather new to this whole BF dynamic...hence the "newly hatched" in my profile...so I will apologize in advance if I unintentionally step on anyone's toes. My point of view comes from a whole adult lifetime spent in relationships with bio-men (I'm slow...took me for-freakin-ever to figure myself out), my relationship with a female-id'ed butch, and friendships both online and in real time with both male-id'ed and female-id'ed butches. So....perhaps like Cynthia Nixon, I'm a bit new to this community and these ideas....

I get hung up on the pronouns alot. I always try to remember who ID's in what way and use the appropriate she/he/hy....but admit that in my own head I default to she. I think the reason for that is that "masculine" and "butch" energy feel very, very different to me. I haven't yet met or spoken to a male-ID'ed butch that felt like a man to me. I'm willing to be wrong on this...it just hasn't happened yet. I don't look at the pic in this thread and say "man"....I look and say "butch" (and also "cute couple").

One of the (several) things that bothered me on the dash site was the automatic default to the male pronoun. My partner is not "he." She does not want to be a man, or any approximation of a man. She is, in my view, magnificent, gorgeous, female, and butch. She doesn't have "masculine" energy....she has butch energy. It feels different to me...and better.

I've got nothing at all against men, masculine energy, or anyone who chooses to identify male. That's their right and bravo for them. Just as it's my right to be femme in my own way....intelligent, headstrong, stubborn, silly and girly.

Long way around...sorry....I think we get hung up, as a community and as a larger society, because none of the words we have quite fit. If I am trying to describe "butch" to my mother or her friends or my straight co-workers who have never had any exposure to this community....I have a problem. If I say masculine, then they think male. Those two words are tied together in their brains...and in mine. If people don't understand "butch" then I run out of words to describe it to them. I've spent alot of time fumbling for the right words with friends...and many of them are probably still left with the idea that Scoote is some approximation of a man. It's not because they value maleness more highly (I guarantee they don't)...it's a lack of personal exposure on their part, and the words to describe it well on mine.
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Old 05-13-2010, 08:24 AM   #177
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Warning: this post is being done without the influence of caffeine. If things seemed jumbled or rambled, I blame that.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Bad_boi View Post
I think she was kidding.

I have jokingly referred to myself as a guy with boobs. Lets face it, butches are just like men in many ways. Its kind of like saying she is a guy and a girl rolled into one.
I'm a man with boobs.

Now, you may be male-ID'd but I'd bet many female-ID'd butches would disagree with you. They are all woman and proud of it (rightful so). Sometimes there is too much emphasis in society on the masculine, particularly with placing it on the top of the societal food chain. If I think of a mainstream butch (for some reason, k.d. lang comes to mind), I can bet she's rather proud of the woman she is and all her parts. So why shouldn't a non-mainstream woman be proud of that?

Society will continue to place a hierarchical order to gender (e.g., male == strong; female == weak) because changes to that come gradually and only when the call out of behaviour is done to ALL of society. We can call it out here, debate it here but if it's only done here, then a large part of society misses it. And it gets lost.

Is it (the phrase in question) misogyny? Yes. Our language (english) is rather misogynistic in nature, even if one attempts to change it. The comments left in regards to the original news/blog piece need to be educated. Not by mashing them over the head but with a gentle nudge.



(Note: this isn't to diminish the "silencing" of the femaleness of a butch woman but a commentary on how society seems to be about, well.. everything): It is interesting how in society (both mainstream and here) we tell people to be their own individual self and yet, when enforce a specific singular label on them as the defining characteristic. And if my defining characteristic is slightly different than yours... well... seems to be the response (whether here or in mainstream society).
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Old 05-13-2010, 10:09 AM   #178
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I think there is a created hatred between female-id butches and masculine-id butches. I'm not sure who or how or why it got created, but it is a virus in our community.
This almost implies that it just sort of happened like a disease. It denies any kind of gender hierarchy and the fact that sexism is behind it. WHY is there some discord in the first place? Because there has been a history -- not too long and only in some communities, but quite REAL -- of devaluing women-identified butches. When women identified butches started objecting and even organizing a little bit, they were accused of inserting HATE into the dialogue. That's classic privilege at work.


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How can one person's personal choice of id be affected by someone's else's?

. . .

I just wonder if we will ever have a day, an hour, a nanosecond where my choice of id doesn't interfere with your(generic) choice of id.

If I can state that I don't id as a (fill in the blank), without pissing off/offending/hurting all those who do id as a (fill in the same blank).
The fact IS that woman-ID'd butches were erased in some communities, and their speaking up seems to bother some people. You seem to want to understand their speaking up about this erasure as if it were an objection to how others ID. It is not that. And it's offensive to frame it that way. It's not an attack. It's not an expression of hatred. Calling it that is such a classic defense that people who do not want a group to speak about their lives and their truths use.

My sense is that most woman-identified butches want to be respected, to not be called by masculine pronouns, and to not have certain assumptions placed on them. Somehow that gets experienced as a rebuke to how others ID. It is not.

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Does anyone think we can ever get there? Where we don't even need discussions about female-id vs butch-id? Where it just doesn't freaking matter?
When the problem is solved, yes, it will go away. Not until then. i don't think women-identified butches are going to volunteer for erasure just so some people will feel better. (i note your Freudian slip -- female-id vs. butch-id).
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Old 05-13-2010, 11:07 AM   #179
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This almost implies that it just sort of happened like a disease. It denies any kind of gender hierarchy and the fact that sexism is behind it. WHY is there some discord in the first place? Because there has been a history -- not too long and only in some communities, but quite REAL -- of devaluing women-identified butches. When women identified butches started objecting and even organizing a little bit, they were accused of inserting HATE into the dialogue. That's classic privilege at work.

This feels like the chicken and the egg with me...was there was no discord before the male-identified butches took it upon themselves to devalue the female-identified butches? Or are you saying society in general devalued female-identified butches and then it was basically 'on'. I wasn't around then and, though I know some of my community's history, I could definitely learn more.

I understand what Arwen was saying, I think, and I also feel as if there's a line drawn in the sand. No, we don't want anyone to address 'us' as 'them'. It's one thing to want to be called what I id as (and I think that most of us do try to do our best to respect our peers and address them as they'd like to be seen) and another to automatically look to the other party in a less than respectful way because someone slipped up and called us the wrong pronoun or label or whatever it was in that moment.

There seems, to me, to be less of "Hey, that's not how I id. Please call me this next time, okay?" and more of "Ewwww! That's not how I id! Don't call me THAT!" Whether it comes from male-identified butches or female-identified butches, it's not a nice thing. There's more tolerance for straight people looking in than those within our own circle. That feels like we're tearing our own community apart and for what? To say "I'm right!" basically. Why can't we all be right (for ourselves) and let everyone else, be it female-identified or male-identified or kiwi-identified or any other number of identities...why can't we just accept one another? It's like we're eroded our community from the inside out....like a virus.


The fact IS that woman-ID'd butches were erased in some communities, and their speaking up seems to bother some people. You seem to want to understand their speaking up about this erasure as if it were an objection to how others ID. It is not that. And it's offensive to frame it that way. It's not an attack. It's not an expression of hatred. Calling it that is such a classic defense that people who do not want a group to speak about their lives and their truths use.

My sense is that most woman-identified butches want to be respected, to not be called by masculine pronouns, and to not have certain assumptions placed on them. Somehow that gets experienced as a rebuke to how others ID. It is not.

I read the last couple of paragraphs and I'm sure that my first response is what may seem like a perfect example of what you speak of. Except it's not.

Arwen spoke of not letting how one person identifies affecting her identity and that is true for all of us. Your identity shouldn't affect mine and vise versa, but somehow....especially with female and male-identified butches, this seems to me to play out differently. Almost as if one can't exist without the other but there's still that immediate rejection of the other. I'm not finding the right words I fear to express my thoughts as well as they could (like Arwen was, I'm a bit tired).

How does one say THIS is how I identify without it sounding like AND YOU SHOULD TOO or giving off the feeling that one person's chosen id is better than another's?

Someone...bete?...said that calling her partner he creates invisibility for her and I see that. I've fought against it and, at other times, have hidden behind it when it felt safer to do so. That's a privilege that many don't have and I am aware of it and have been grateful and hateful of it too.

I tend to default to male pronouns as well. I know more male-identified or masculine preferring butches than female-identified butches in my own bubble. However, I respect that butch does not equal he and adjust the way I address someone if I know their identity and preference BUT in the case where I'm speaking of someone and they are not there to ask and no one else knows their preference I'll either say he (that's my default showing) or their screen name. When I get the chance to ask them personally, I will.

I'm not perfect by any standards (defaulting to he OR she is wrong, imo) but why can't there be less finger wagging and talking down to and more person to person conversing?

I'm asking this of you, Martina, not only because some of your post sparked something in me but because I feel that you may have an answer that would help me to understand better. I'm not coming from an argumentative place and I hope that that is not how I read. I'm genuinely curious.
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Old 05-13-2010, 11:22 AM   #180
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Personally all the female-identified, woman-identified, etc jargon does not at all reflect ME. No offense intended to those who find personal meaning in those terms.

I have yet to hear one single butch ever say they are engaged in some sort of war.

I don't identify as a woman- I AM a woman. I live my life as a woman, as a masculine woman, as a Butch. It's not something I "identify with." I live it.
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