Femme Led Relationships and Trans/Butch/Femme Bottoms - Page 9

Dominique · 08-29-2011, 08:26 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by apretty

Come on now--Aren't they all femme-led?

Succinctly, I have always said this. If it is not all about us, it is for us.

Isadora · 08-31-2011, 02:18 PM

All though we joke about it, they are not all femme led...just as all relationships are not butch/male/masculine led. I think I am just me. The oldest of ten children who had a very ill mother and I took charge. Is it innate? Probably. Was it necessary for me and my siblings to survive? Definitely. Did it make me skilled at organizing and socializing? Why, yes it did. Did it make me bossy? Why, yes it did that, too.

But it also made me listen, nurture, kiss boo boos, fix skates, hammer forts, go to parent/teacher conferences and feed 11 people on 2 lbs of hamburger. (Think "Shameless" without the sex, alcohol or drugs.) I had to set priorities early...do I go to prom and spend money on a dress or do I pay for Tom's math tutor? We always talk about leadership like it is dominant. Leadership is many things and many many studies have been done on what it means...but being a leader in my relationship is not about dominance it is about openess to serve with the skills that are both innate and learned. I provide the direction, the social calendar, the emotional support, make important decisions but my partner is not like a minion waiting for my next command. LOL Leadership is more than bossing people around or telling them what to do. Leadership is listening. Leadership is coaxing. Leadership is laying down. Leadership is admitting skills (both held and lacking). Leadership is realizing that people are complicated and messy.

Leadership in a relationship also is about love and loving. Love is not a rigid board of perfect design. Love is part of how I am. I am not perfect at anything, but Love makes my femme led relationships a playful dragonfly of grace in a field of sweet clover.

The_Lady_Snow · 08-31-2011, 02:27 PM

Sometimes I like Grant to be my minion at my every beck and call, that's how it rolls when I'm in the mood, that's the beauty of these power exchange relationships for *me*. I can do, say, act like I want because I have consent and it gets us all off or we just plain like it.

atomiczombie · 08-31-2011, 02:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Isadora

All though we joke about it, they are not all femme led...just as all relationships are not butch/male/masculine led. I think I am just me. The oldest of ten children who had a very ill mother and I took charge. Is it innate? Probably. Was it necessary for me and my siblings to survive? Definitely. Did it make me skilled at organizing and socializing? Why, yes it did. Did it make me bossy? Why, yes it did that, too.

But it also made me listen, nurture, kiss boo boos, fix skates, hammer forts, go to parent/teacher conferences and feed 11 people on 2 lbs of hamburger. (Think "Shameless" without the sex, alcohol or drugs.) I had to set priorities early...do I go to prom and spend money on a dress or do I pay for Tom's math tutor? We always talk about leadership like it is dominant. Leadership is many things and many many studies have been done on what it means...but being a leader in my relationship is not about dominance it is about openess to serve with the skills that are both innate and learned. I provide the direction, the social calendar, the emotional support, make important decisions but my partner is not like a minion waiting for my next command. LOL Leadership is more than bossing people around or telling them what to do. Leadership is listening. Leadership is coaxing. Leadership is laying down. Leadership is admitting skills (both held and lacking). Leadership is realizing that people are complicated and messy.

Leadership in a relationship also is about love and loving. Love is not a rigid board of perfect design. Love is part of how I am. I am not perfect at anything, but Love makes my femme led relationships a playful dragonfly of grace in a field of sweet clover.

I love this. And, it really resonates with me in terms of my own style of dominance. I really shy away from the "power over" model. My dominance is about care-taking as well as getting the responses that I want from a sub. The care taking is part of what gets me off. That is not to say that I can't at times be a strict disciplinarian, lol. But caring is a significant part of it. Thanks for sharing this!

The_Lady_Snow · 08-31-2011, 02:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by atomiczombie

I love this. And, it really resonates with me in terms of my own style of dominance. I really shy away from the "power over" model. My dominance is about care-taking as well as getting the responses that I want from a sub. The care taking is part of what gets me off. That is not to say that I can't at times be a strict disciplinarian, lol. But caring is a significant part of it. Thanks for sharing this!

This really isn't a thread about male led relationships drew may I ask why you had to clarify your style of dominance here?

weatherboi · 08-31-2011, 02:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by The_Lady_Snow

This really isn't a thread about male led relationships drew may I ask why you had to clarify your style of dominance here?

I'd hate to see this thread turn into yet another thread about how butches and transguys lead- can we please respect the topic here which is:

Femme Led Relationships and Trans/Butch Bottoms

The_Lady_Snow · 08-31-2011, 03:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by weatherboi

I'd hate to see this thread turn into yet another thread about how butches and transguys lead- can we please respect the topic here which is:

Femme Led Relationships and Trans/Butch Bottoms

Thank you!!!!!

Apocalipstic · 08-31-2011, 03:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by apretty

Come on now--Aren't they all femme-led?

While I would like to think this statement true, the expectation seems to be that the Femme defer in a 50's housewife way to the Butch or Transguy...which can cause relationship friction for someone like me, who likes to run the show for the most part.

It occurs to me that maybe you have been better at finding partners who recognize your power than I have. I have encountered more desire to "break my spirit". It could be the difference in location and age between us?

I find with younger Butches I have had better luck finding Butches not so ready to do the pissing contest thing with me....Not saying older Butches are bad, just that I have not connected with the right one and younger people seem more open minded.

So glad to see this discussion happening again!

The_Lady_Snow · 08-31-2011, 03:29 PM

Me too Apocalipstic!!! It's a great thread for Femmes Who Lead be' it full time, part time, in D/s not D/s ALL forms to discuss and also it gives the people on the end of The leash (if that's your thing) a place to discuss and share experiences!

Apocalipstic · 08-31-2011, 03:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by The_Lady_Snow

Me too Apocalipstic!!! It's a great thread for Femmes Who Lead be' it full time, part time, in D/s not D/s ALL forms to discuss and also it gives the people on the end of The leash (if that's your thing) a place to discuss and share experiences!

You know I love a good leash!

weatherboi · 08-31-2011, 03:44 PM

Leadership in Our/our house does not always come from a Dominant space. Even if my Ms is sick in bed (probably not feeling to dominant but still a Dominant), i am running this house under Her scheduled direction from Her sick space. i don't have the option to run it my way. That was the deal and i consented to it. i get that She does somethings and i do others because of Our/our individual talents, but She decides all this and directs it. She could very easily assign me to a task that isn't suited for me, something i don't like

, and sit back and watch me suffer. It is up to Her. She has different compartments that run this household and They are all definitely leaders. Lucky me!!!

Soft*Silver · 08-31-2011, 04:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sachita

Softness I was thinking about you, about all this and wondered how your femdom relationship was going. I hope you're having fun being treated like a Goddess.

Hello Sachita and all others reading this thread. My femdom relationship is going well. He is above board in his service to me. He has extensive experience, far beyond anything I could ever imagine, and brings it humbly to me to honor my needs. Being sickly again, his service is needed more in a caretaking role at the moment. I adore him and am grateful for his devotion.

I dont expect anyone to treat me like a Goddess except me. I take that role upon myself. I spoil me and indulge me and meet my own needs, especially if its by finding the right people to be around me. As for foot rubs or having my porch painted, those are negotiable items. I ask for nothing I would not be extremely appreciative of. None of it is ever expected out of foolish whimsical "show me you love me" shit. I dont need to be loved. Seriously. When you love yourself well, like I have discovered to do, you dont need to have anyone prove their love to you. When someone is in my life, they are there because I want them to be there. Very very few people are there for any other reason. And those are mostly non social contacts.

I also see people discussing masculine energy. I use to think I didnt have any. Then I put a cock on. Hah. I am still a femme but something bended around inside me and I got to see how not different I was to the masculined version of humans I am. For a long time after packing for the first time, I would look in the mirrors as I passed them as tho I were seeing myself for the first time. I embrace who I am and dont get caught up in the pronouns of our language. I know I am not the girl I once thought I was...

atomiczombie · 08-31-2011, 06:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by June

I read Drew as resonating with what was posted and responding to it. I do that sometimes too. Ooops.

What June said.

The_Lady_Snow · 08-31-2011, 07:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by atomiczombie

What June said.

Thanks for understanding Drew

Have you any experiences you can share in this dynamic?

Are you a supporter of this dynamic? Do you participate in a Fem Led Relationship now, before, you may want to in the future?

atomiczombie · 08-31-2011, 07:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by The_Lady_Snow

Thanks for understanding Drew

Have you any experiences you can share in this dynamic?

Are you a supporter of this dynamic? Do you participate in a Fem Led Relationship now, before, you may want to in the future?

I support the dynamic in that I think femme led relationships are every bit as valid as any other type. I am an egalitarian at heart, although some have misread me to not be so. I have never been in a femme led relationship - that sort just isn't for me, personally. I just really liked what Isadora had to say and it resonated with me.

The_Lady_Snow · 08-31-2011, 07:51 PM

Thanks for the support, it's appreciated and needed!

Quote:

Originally Posted by atomiczombie

I support the dynamic in that I think femme led relationships are every bit as valid as any other type. I am an egalitarian at heart, although some have misread me to not be so. I have never been in a femme led relationship - that sort just isn't for me, personally. I just really liked what Isadora had to say and it resonated with me.

Sachita · 08-31-2011, 09:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by softness

I dont expect anyone to treat me like a Goddess except me. I take that role upon myself. I spoil me and indulge me and meet my own needs, especially if its by finding the right people to be around me. As for foot rubs or having my porch painted, those are negotiable items. I ask for nothing I would not be extremely appreciative of. None of it is ever expected out of foolish whimsical "show me you love me" shit. I dont need to be loved. Seriously. When you love yourself well, like I have discovered to do, you dont need to have anyone prove their love to you. When someone is in my life, they are there because I want them to be there. Very very few people are there for any other reason. And those are mostly non social contacts.

I understand your point. It's not a question of need for me. Truth is I don't really need anyone and I love myself. It's not proof I require but an expectation or standard I've acquired and it sooooooo enhances the dynamic.

I'm happy for you. You totally deserve it

Gentle Tiger · 08-31-2011, 11:14 PM

Can I just say I am really enjoying this thread? Ok, good.
I am enjoying this thread.

Makes you think. And critical thinking, contrary to popular belief is a good thing.

Martina · 08-31-2011, 11:29 PM

But doncha just love it when you can make Her feel like a god?

i am in a femme-led poly D/s relationship. i like it that i am the only one in Her life who can help Her feel THAT particular way.

DamonK · 09-01-2011, 01:30 AM

Keep in mind MBE and I are switches... And since it can be hard, J is the switch side of me...

We've gone through changes. Some bad, some good. I had to have an attitude adjustment. And she had to learn some nasty lessons. We stepped back into an equal role, yet at the same time I always know who is in charge. I ask for permission to do things -- sometimes. If it goes outside the scope of my reality, which is really too hard to explain, I ask for permission.

The one thing that never changed is the feeling of her strength over me when I can't do it anymore.

Last week, I found out I was, in many ways, disowned by my parents for being trans. I'm not welcome home, that's for sure. As a result, being dominant is proving to be almost impossible. I can at times, but most of the time, I just can't right now.

Lucky for me, she understands what I'm going through and is such an amazing person.

What amazes me is that, being switches, when I can't; she can and vice versa.

For now, she leads. And I follow. I trust that she is capable of holding her own and she trusts I'm doing okay. As my dominant, she is my strength.

For us, I guess that's what it comes down to.

08-31-2011, 02:18 PM	#162
Isadora Member How Do You Identify?: Momma, Ma'am Preferred Pronoun?: She/Her Relationship Status: I am in love. Truly Madly Deeply Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: California Posts: 997 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 502 Thanked 2,127 Times in 559 Posts Rep Power: 2369288	All though we joke about it, they are not all femme led...just as all relationships are not butch/male/masculine led. I think I am just me. The oldest of ten children who had a very ill mother and I took charge. Is it innate? Probably. Was it necessary for me and my siblings to survive? Definitely. Did it make me skilled at organizing and socializing? Why, yes it did. Did it make me bossy? Why, yes it did that, too. But it also made me listen, nurture, kiss boo boos, fix skates, hammer forts, go to parent/teacher conferences and feed 11 people on 2 lbs of hamburger. (Think "Shameless" without the sex, alcohol or drugs.) I had to set priorities early...do I go to prom and spend money on a dress or do I pay for Tom's math tutor? We always talk about leadership like it is dominant. Leadership is many things and many many studies have been done on what it means...but being a leader in my relationship is not about dominance it is about openess to serve with the skills that are both innate and learned. I provide the direction, the social calendar, the emotional support, make important decisions but my partner is not like a minion waiting for my next command. LOL Leadership is more than bossing people around or telling them what to do. Leadership is listening. Leadership is coaxing. Leadership is laying down. Leadership is admitting skills (both held and lacking). Leadership is realizing that people are complicated and messy. Leadership in a relationship also is about love and loving. Love is not a rigid board of perfect design. Love is part of how I am. I am not perfect at anything, but Love makes my femme led relationships a playful dragonfly of grace in a field of sweet clover. __________________ "I have a respect for manners as such, they are a way of dealing with people you don't agree with or like." Margaret Mead Read me! www.leatherati.com

08-31-2011, 02:27 PM	#163
The_Lady_Snow MILLION $$$ PUSSY How Do You Identify?: Kinky, Raw, Perverted, Uber Queer Alpha Femme Preferred Pronoun?: Iconic Ms. Relationship Status: Keeper of 3, only one has the map to my freckles Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: La Reina del Sur Posts: 22,488 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 32,231 Thanked 80,077 Times in 15,670 Posts Rep Power: 21474875	Sometimes I like Grant to be my minion at my every beck and call, that's how it rolls when I'm in the mood, that's the beauty of these power exchange relationships for me. I can do, say, act like I want because I have consent and it gets us all off or we just plain like it. __________________ "If you’re going to play these dirty games of ours, then you might as well indulge completely. It’s all about turning back into an animal and that’s the beauty of it. Place your guilt on the sidewalk and take a blow torch to it (guilt is usually worthless anyway). Be perverted, be filthy, do things that mannered people shouldn’t do. If you’re going to be gross then go for it and don’t wimp out."---Master Aiden

08-31-2011, 03:29 PM	#169
The_Lady_Snow MILLION $$$ PUSSY How Do You Identify?: Kinky, Raw, Perverted, Uber Queer Alpha Femme Preferred Pronoun?: Iconic Ms. Relationship Status: Keeper of 3, only one has the map to my freckles Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: La Reina del Sur Posts: 22,488 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 32,231 Thanked 80,077 Times in 15,670 Posts Rep Power: 21474875	Me too Apocalipstic!!! It's a great thread for Femmes Who Lead be' it full time, part time, in D/s not D/s ALL forms to discuss and also it gives the people on the end of The leash (if that's your thing) a place to discuss and share experiences! __________________ "If you’re going to play these dirty games of ours, then you might as well indulge completely. It’s all about turning back into an animal and that’s the beauty of it. Place your guilt on the sidewalk and take a blow torch to it (guilt is usually worthless anyway). Be perverted, be filthy, do things that mannered people shouldn’t do. If you’re going to be gross then go for it and don’t wimp out."---Master Aiden

08-31-2011, 03:44 PM	#171
weatherboi Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: Owned boy Preferred Pronoun?: Hey boy!!! Relationship Status: counting freckles slowly under Her direction!!! Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: i have 2 sets of geographic coordinates!!! Posts: 6,097 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 26,797 Thanked 12,549 Times in 2,993 Posts Rep Power: 21474858	Leadership in Our/our house does not always come from a Dominant space. Even if my Ms is sick in bed (probably not feeling to dominant but still a Dominant), i am running this house under Her scheduled direction from Her sick space. i don't have the option to run it my way. That was the deal and i consented to it. i get that She does somethings and i do others because of Our/our individual talents, but She decides all this and directs it. She could very easily assign me to a task that isn't suited for me, something i don't like , and sit back and watch me suffer. It is up to Her. She has different compartments that run this household and They are all definitely leaders. Lucky me!!! __________________

08-31-2011, 11:14 PM	#178
Gentle Tiger Moderator How Do You Identify?: As a Tiger of course Preferred Pronoun?: Not the Old Man Relationship Status: Two Tigers Join Date: Feb 2010 Location: Northern California Posts: 7,492 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 18,001 Thanked 15,990 Times in 3,992 Posts Rep Power: 21474859	Can I just say I am really enjoying this thread? Ok, good. I am enjoying this thread. Makes you think. And critical thinking, contrary to popular belief is a good thing. __________________ Please like

08-31-2011, 11:29 PM	#179
Martina Senior Member How Do You Identify?: * Join Date: Feb 2010 Location: * Posts: 4,999 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 13,409 Thanked 18,283 Times in 4,166 Posts Rep Power: 21474854	But doncha just love it when you can make Her feel like a god? i am in a femme-led poly D/s relationship. i like it that i am the only one in Her life who can help Her feel THAT particular way. __________________ "No matter how cynical I get, I just can't keep up" - Lily Tomlin

09-01-2011, 01:30 AM	#180
DamonK Senior Member How Do You Identify?: . Preferred Pronoun?: . Relationship Status: . Join Date: May 2010 Location: . Posts: 2,199 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 1,527 Thanked 7,762 Times in 1,881 Posts Rep Power: 21474854	Keep in mind MBE and I are switches... And since it can be hard, J is the switch side of me... We've gone through changes. Some bad, some good. I had to have an attitude adjustment. And she had to learn some nasty lessons. We stepped back into an equal role, yet at the same time I always know who is in charge. I ask for permission to do things -- sometimes. If it goes outside the scope of my reality, which is really too hard to explain, I ask for permission. The one thing that never changed is the feeling of her strength over me when I can't do it anymore. Last week, I found out I was, in many ways, disowned by my parents for being trans. I'm not welcome home, that's for sure. As a result, being dominant is proving to be almost impossible. I can at times, but most of the time, I just can't right now. Lucky for me, she understands what I'm going through and is such an amazing person. What amazes me is that, being switches, when I can't; she can and vice versa. For now, she leads. And I follow. I trust that she is capable of holding her own and she trusts I'm doing okay. As my dominant, she is my strength. For us, I guess that's what it comes down to.