The Psychology of Online Dating - Page 3

knight · 07-27-2017, 02:41 PM

Absolutely not for me. I think its impossible to constantly have capacity for something that is long term. In my opinion, dating is a great way to discover yourself and to grow as a person. I do not believe that in a lifetime that we should always dive into the idea of a marriage. How does one truly understand their need without experiencing life in that way?

I think its great for others that are on a constant search for that one and to be in a position where they can always have capacity for the possibility.

For me it does not work that way. There are stages in life where I feel people have no business diving into a long term relationship.. When do we grow as humans, when do we find out what our truth is.

No right or wrong answer here... but that is my feeling on the matter.

Quote:

Originally Posted by 2qt

I feel there is just too much stigma given to the words Online/Real life, local/LD.... Dating I think is just how one views it... Some consider it just online dating whilst others see it as something much deeper & much more personal to them...

Why can't we just name it.... Getting to know someone? The word dating seems to box it into this little square of perception that dating is only possible if it's done in real time or if they live within x amount of miles from me.... I don't feel that to be true... You often can't control who you fall for... Love is just love...

For me it was much more personal then just an online date thing... I was spending the same amount of my real time quality time getting to know my potential partner then as I would in my real life...

If you want something to work it's like anything... Effort needs to be made & you need to know what it is you're both reaching for & you're both on the same page otherwise it will never work...

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lyte

I'm a tad confused.

If two people are on a "date" or are dating... shouldn't the safe presumption that each is ... in the long run... or at some point... looking for a wife/partner?

Yes, going dates is to learn more about a person but the inherent meaning behind going on a date is that the goal of the parties is to see if they can be ... more than friends. If either individual is not spending time with the other with that goal in mind... can we be more than friends... then that person has an obligation to be make it very clear... this is not a date.

2qt · 07-27-2017, 06:26 PM

I hear what you're saying & agree to some extent...

It's all really our own perceptions I believe...

To me when I go on a date with someone, it has no stigma attached to it, IE... I am not dating them to marry them or uhaul myself into their home, I am not dating them to be their partner at the end of that date, I date to get to know the person I am feeling attraction towards etc & to see where things lead...

But I guess the hope would be there for this to be something more if we hit it off very well for it to be long term partners/marriage.... Otherwise I would just consider it a friendship.....

I have never considered dating a friend as a means to get to know them or myself....My friendships have been pretty much developed known from the start it would be nothing more then a friendship...

Quote:

Originally Posted by knight

Absolutely not for me. I think its impossible to constantly have capacity for something that is long term. In my opinion, dating is a great way to discover yourself and to grow as a person. I do not believe that in a lifetime that we should always dive into the idea of a marriage. How does one truly understand their need without experiencing life in that way?

I think its great for others that are on a constant search for that one and to be in a position where they can always have capacity for the possibility.

For me it does not work that way. There are stages in life where I feel people have no business diving into a long term relationship.. When do we grow as humans, when do we find out what our truth is.

No right or wrong answer here... but that is my feeling on the matter.

girl_dee · 07-27-2017, 03:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lyte

I'm a tad confused.

If two people are on a "date" or are dating... shouldn't the safe presumption that each is ... in the long run... or at some point... looking for a wife/partner?

Nope... i want to date, not settle.down...

Lyte · 07-27-2017, 03:27 PM

Oh yeah... I get that date/dating has different meanings/motives for different people. BUT... it's important to realize that there is a generally understood/accepted meaning/motive to date/dating ... even if it doesn't apply to us.

A quick Google of the definition ...

1. establish or ascertain the date of (an object or event).
2. indicate or expose as being old-fashioned.
3. go out with (someone in whom one is romantically or sexually interested).

Or WIKI...

"Dating is a stage of romantic or sexual relationships in humans whereby two or more people meet socially, possibly as friends or with the aim of each assessing the other's suitability as a prospective partner in a more committed intimate relationship or marriage. It can be a form of courtship that consists of social activities done by the couple."

So... as long as one verbalizes to the other party ... in advance... that their particular definition does not follow/align with the generally accepted definition of date/dating... I say go for it! To do otherwise will very likely lead to a misunderstanding and hurt feelings.

Quote:

Originally Posted by knight

Absolutely not for me. I think its impossible to constantly have capacity for something that is long term. In my opinion, dating is a great way to discover yourself and to grow as a person. I do not believe that in a lifetime that we should always dive into the idea of a marriage. How does one truly understand their need without experiencing life in that way?

I think its great for others that are on a constant search for that one and to be in a position where they can always have capacity for the possibility.

For me it does not work that way. There are stages in life where I feel people have no business diving into a long term relationship.. When do we grow as humans, when do we find out what our truth is.

No right or wrong answer here... but that is my feeling on the matter.

Quote:

Originally Posted by girl_dee

Nope... i want to date, not settle.down...

JDeere · 07-27-2017, 07:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by girl_dee

Nope... i want to date, not settle.down...

Same with me Dee, I'm looking to date not to settle down by any means...

knight · 07-29-2017, 04:57 PM

This is about relationships in general but I think its also important when dating.

gotoseagrl · 07-30-2017, 01:34 PM

This is brilliant. Thank you.

Quote:

Originally Posted by knight

This is about relationships in general but I think its also important when dating.

knight · 07-30-2017, 03:37 PM

In the Buddhist teaching of love, there are four elements. The first is maitri – friendship, brotherhood, loving-kindness. And the second is karuna – capacity to understand the suffering and help remove and transform it – compassion. Mudita is the third element – joy – your joy is her joy, her joy is our joy. The last element is upeksha – nondiscrimination. This is a higher form of love. The four qualities have no limits – infinite love – these elements are also call the Four Unlimited Minds.

The bodhisattva of love is in you.

I felt that this is so important that I also posted it in the Buddhist thread.

knight · 08-13-2017, 01:02 PM

Thoughts on loving unconditionally, indiscriminately and selflessly?

girl_dee · 08-13-2017, 01:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by knight

Thoughts on loving unconditionally, indiscriminately and selflessly?

MY thoughts:

this is a fine line.

do i love unconditionally, yes. i love all people even the ones i don't like. Do i want all people in my life ? Heck no. That is conditional.

Indiscriminately... nope, love for all people

selflessly,... i would like to say yes, but honestly, no. Maybe that is something i need to work on.

gotoseagrl · 08-13-2017, 02:18 PM

I agree with dee, which was an honest answer. I believe that even if we love someone unconditionally, we still have the right to choose if it is healthy to have them in our life closely, romantically, or however. Sometimes part of loving each other that way is letting go or letting be whatever is best. Always wanting whatever is best for the other person as much as for yourself, which is a selfless love. We have to love and honor ourselves and core beliefs/values before we truly can know how to do it with anyone else.

As far as this relating to the original topic here, I was recently reading somewhere someone said that when dating someone, people are always wondering if "this is the one" or if the two are in love vs infatuation. His reply was that instead, people need to question if that is someone they can learn about true and healthy love with - not just during the good times, but through any type of situation. I think it's easy for a lot (if not most?) people to overlook that kind of important question when thinking about being serious with someone. Even in online/LDR dating.

Quote:

Originally Posted by knight

Thoughts on loving unconditionally, indiscriminately and selflessly?

Lyte · 08-14-2017, 03:00 PM

I'm not sure human beings have the capacity to love like this...

Quote:

Originally Posted by knight

Thoughts on loving unconditionally, indiscriminately and selflessly?

Playing devil's advocate here...

Wouldn't a love that's indiscriminate ... while seemingly wonderful on it's face... be sort of a ... "cheapened" ... sort of love? Perhaps that's not the ideal word for it. Meaning, if someone loves everyone ... regardless... what value is their love to each individual? Does it mean anything?

I do differentiate humans' capacity for love from the capacity of a higher power to love.

Femmewench · 08-30-2017, 11:44 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by knight

Thoughts on loving unconditionally, indiscriminately and selflessly?

Unconditionally doesn't exist or shouldn't. Abuse in any form should effect loving. I may still care enough to hope the person gets help, but my own self-love preclude me from continuing with that person.

Selflessly isn't healthy. A sense of self and what I need is required in order to flourish. I loved selflessly for many years and it served the purpose of making me forget who I was when I was happy. I'm rediscovering her now.

Indiscriminately isn't healthy either. We all should discriminate when choosing people we let into our lives. Once you see the red flags, love yourself enough to remove that person from your life.

I probably shouldn't be posting this in my current head space, but what the heck.

07-30-2017, 03:37 PM	#8
knight Member How Do You Identify?: Butch Join Date: Aug 2016 Location: Canada Posts: 281 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 618 Thanked 669 Times in 212 Posts Rep Power: 18593205	The Four Elements of True Love In the Buddhist teaching of love, there are four elements. The first is maitri – friendship, brotherhood, loving-kindness. And the second is karuna – capacity to understand the suffering and help remove and transform it – compassion. Mudita is the third element – joy – your joy is her joy, her joy is our joy. The last element is upeksha – nondiscrimination. This is a higher form of love. The four qualities have no limits – infinite love – these elements are also call the Four Unlimited Minds. The bodhisattva of love is in you. I felt that this is so important that I also posted it in the Buddhist thread.

08-13-2017, 01:02 PM	#9
knight Member How Do You Identify?: Butch Join Date: Aug 2016 Location: Canada Posts: 281 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 618 Thanked 669 Times in 212 Posts Rep Power: 18593205	Loving Thoughts on loving unconditionally, indiscriminately and selflessly?

07-29-2017, 04:57 PM	#6
knight Member How Do You Identify?: Butch Join Date: Aug 2016 Location: Canada Posts: 281 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 618 Thanked 669 Times in 212 Posts Rep Power: 18593205	This is about relationships in general but I think its also important when dating.