The Psychology of Online Dating

[girl_dee]

Originally Posted by Lyte

Oh yeah... I get that date/dating has different meanings/motives for different people. BUT... it's important to realize that there is a generally understood/accepted meaning/motive to date/dating ... even if it doesn't apply to us.

A quick Google of the definition ...

1. establish or ascertain the date of (an object or event).
2. indicate or expose as being old-fashioned.
3. go out with (someone in whom one is romantically or sexually interested).

Or WIKI...

"Dating is a stage of romantic or sexual relationships in humans whereby two or more people meet socially, possibly as friends or with the aim of each assessing the other's suitability as a prospective partner in a more committed intimate relationship or marriage. It can be a form of courtship that consists of social activities done by the couple."

So... as long as one verbalizes to the other party ... in advance... that their particular definition does not follow/align with the generally accepted definition of date/dating... I say go for it! To do otherwise will very likely lead to a misunderstanding and hurt feelings.

Do not agree here. if i go on a date with someone, i am under no obligation to disclose my intentions. If they are seeing a life partner, thats on them. If i KNOW they are looking for a wife, i do disclose that i am not interested in that.




i also found a simple definition of a date...

date1
dāt/Submit
noun
1.
the day of the month or year as specified by a number.
"what's the date today?"
synonyms: day, day of the month, occasion, time; More
2.
a social or romantic appointment or engagement.
"a college student on a date with someone he met in class"
synonyms: appointment, meeting, engagement, rendezvous, assignation; commitment
"a lunch date"

[Lyte]

I don't understand this. Please clarify.

Originally Posted by girl_dee

Do not agree here. if i go on a date with someone, i am under no obligation to disclose my intentions. If they are seeing a life partner, thats on them.

We are in agreement here. If you want something different than the person you're dating, you let them know.

Originally Posted by girl_dee

If i KNOW they are looking for a wife, i do disclose that i am not interested in that

[Gemme]

Originally Posted by Lyte

Sure!

I was responding to knight and dee's response to my previous post. I believe they had the impression that I believed ... or was saying... that the sole or primary purpose of dating was to find a life partner. That's not what was saying. That's not my belief. So, I was clarifying that I understand that the sole/primary purpose of dating is NOT to find a life partner. However... and even so... lol .... I do believe that going on a date does have an inherent ... or historical... meaning for most people. Therefore it's incumbent upon those who see dating differently to articulate to those they are dating exactly what dating means to them. N'est–ce pas?

This is why I asked this question elsewhere ... why does "getting to know someone" require going on a date?

Have I better clarified my clarification??

Oh... and... I have no idea who the "poly folk" are on BFP. I wasn't even aware poly relationships had entered the discussion.

Thank you for the clarification of your clarification.

[knight]

This is about relationships in general but I think its also important when dating.

[gotoseagrl]

This is brilliant. Thank you.

Originally Posted by knight

This is about relationships in general but I think its also important when dating.

[knight]

In the Buddhist teaching of love, there are four elements. The first is maitri – friendship, brotherhood, loving-kindness. And the second is karuna – capacity to understand the suffering and help remove and transform it – compassion. Mudita is the third element – joy – your joy is her joy, her joy is our joy. The last element is upeksha – nondiscrimination. This is a higher form of love. The four qualities have no limits – infinite love – these elements are also call the Four Unlimited Minds.

The bodhisattva of love is in you.




I felt that this is so important that I also posted it in the Buddhist thread.

[knight]

Thoughts on loving unconditionally, indiscriminately and selflessly?

[girl_dee]

Originally Posted by knight

Thoughts on loving unconditionally, indiscriminately and selflessly?

MY thoughts:

this is a fine line.

do i love unconditionally, yes. i love all people even the ones i don't like. Do i want all people in my life ? Heck no. That is conditional.

Indiscriminately... nope, love for all people

selflessly,... i would like to say yes, but honestly, no. Maybe that is something i need to work on.

[girl_dee]

Originally Posted by girl_dee

MY thoughts:

this is a fine line.

do i love unconditionally, yes. i love all people even the ones i don't like. Do i want all people in my life ? Heck no. That is conditional.

Indiscriminately... nope, love for all people

selflessly,... i would like to say yes, but honestly, no. Maybe that is something i need to work on.

Sorry meant to say yes, indiscriminately ...

also meant to finish my thought on the fine line.

i struggle to feel love for people who hurt me, intentionally, with malice. i know i do have love for them, because they are damaged people, but i think my brain just won't let me feel it like i should. The inward impression is love, but the outgoing is hate. Maybe once i can forgive i won't hate as much.

Is it possible to feel love and hate at the same time? Because that's whats going on with certain people for me.

i don't even know if any of that makes sense.

[gotoseagrl]

I agree with dee, which was an honest answer. I believe that even if we love someone unconditionally, we still have the right to choose if it is healthy to have them in our life closely, romantically, or however. Sometimes part of loving each other that way is letting go or letting be whatever is best. Always wanting whatever is best for the other person as much as for yourself, which is a selfless love. We have to love and honor ourselves and core beliefs/values before we truly can know how to do it with anyone else.


As far as this relating to the original topic here, I was recently reading somewhere someone said that when dating someone, people are always wondering if "this is the one" or if the two are in love vs infatuation. His reply was that instead, people need to question if that is someone they can learn about true and healthy love with - not just during the good times, but through any type of situation. I think it's easy for a lot (if not most?) people to overlook that kind of important question when thinking about being serious with someone. Even in online/LDR dating.

Originally Posted by knight

Thoughts on loving unconditionally, indiscriminately and selflessly?

[kittygrrl]

Originally Posted by girl_dee

Sorry meant to say yes, indiscriminately ...

also meant to finish my thought on the fine line.

i struggle to feel love for people who hurt me, intentionally, with malice. i know i do have love for them, because they are damaged people, but i think my brain just won't let me feel it like i should. The inward impression is love, but the outgoing is hate. Maybe once i can forgive i won't hate as much.

Is it possible to feel love and hate at the same time? Because that's whats going on with certain people for me.

i don't even know if any of that makes sense.

You make perfect sense...It's a struggle I have within myself..I want to do better because it's something that's important to me and the universe.

[~ocean]

I understand how you both feel Dee & Kitty I also agree too !! you can't heal the world makes ya soooooooo tired lol ~ keep sharing the love sisters ^5 ~

[girl_dee]

Originally Posted by kittygrrl

You make perfect sense...It's a struggle I have within myself..I want to do better because it's something that's important to me and the universe.

thank you.

often have conflicting feelings, i think you can love more when you forgive.

So then just forgive, right? i am not there yet. We are taught that not forgiving keeps us hostage, and i get that, but i don't feel it. i haven't forgiven certain people. If there is no remorse, how can i ?

i struggle.

[BullDog]

When it comes to people who I feel have hurt me and/or been very unfair to me, the best place for me to get is to neither hate or love them and just wish them well. I actually don't hate anyone I have ever known (romantic or otherwise) and don't believe I ever have. My parents really drilled into me never to hate anyone and I think that really stuck. The only people I can imagine hating are those who commit horrific crimes.

I have at times felt a lot of hurt and anger, and when I can get to more of a place of neutrality that is a lot better for me than to try to force feelings of love. The hardest part is when the anger dies down (which for me is usually fairly quickly) but when I still have a lot of hurt. If I can get past that point where it doesn't hurt so badly then it is much easier.

I also don't feel under obligation to love everyone I know or love everyone in the world. I am selective of who I love (both romantic or otherwise) and I really am okay with that. I love humanity as a whole and believe in our basic goodness even though there are a lot of horrific things done. I believe in social justice and working to make the world a better place, and I do think humans are capable of that - may just be my bleeding liberal heart, lol.

[Gemme]

Originally Posted by knight

Thoughts on loving unconditionally, indiscriminately and selflessly?

I think it's unhealthy to love everyone all the time with all of yourself--no matter what. Absolutely unrealistic too. I have boundaries and if those boundaries are crossed, then that person or persons require me to be more careful with my feelings and emotions around them. My personal, emotional and psychological safety is more important than someone else's feelings.

Maybe I'm a hard ass, but I feel no conflict or remorse about this.

[AmazonDC]

Originally Posted by Gemme

I think it's unhealthy to love everyone all the time with all of yourself--no matter what. Absolutely unrealistic too. I have boundaries and if those boundaries are crossed, then that person or persons require me to be more careful with my feelings and emotions around them. My personal, emotional and psychological safety is more important than someone else's feelings.


Maybe I'm a hard ass, but I feel no conflict or remorse about this.

Hmmm? Interesting thought.. maybe I am just too nice a person

[Gemme]

Originally Posted by DaddyChrisCo

Hmmm? Interesting thought.. maybe I am just too nice a person

Yes, You are. Far too nice.

[kittygrrl]

Thinking back..I never thought getting to know someone online was dating...I just thought of it as fun and often interesting....I regret many things, but that's not one of them

[Greco]

Spot on Gemme. I read your knowledge of the importance of boundaries as Self-love, and Self-protection. And absolutely necessary, period.

Hard-assed? No way Gemme, very healthy indeed. We live in a society where
there are people that have no remorse, or conscience and "suck" the life out of
people that are empathic and have no boundaries.

So, what I've learned is this...to learn what boundaries are, and implement them in my life in all areas, relationships, work, play. And for people that cross boundaries such a huge red flag, they are not allowed in my life in any way, shape or form. No apologies from me.

Right on Gemme.

Greco

Originally Posted by Gemme

I think it's unhealthy to love everyone all the time with all of yourself--no matter what. Absolutely unrealistic too. I have boundaries and if those boundaries are crossed, then that person or persons require me to be more careful with my feelings and emotions around them. My personal, emotional and psychological safety is more important than someone else's feelings.

Maybe I'm a hard ass, but I feel no conflict or remorse about this.

[Lyte]

I'm not sure human beings have the capacity to love like this...

Originally Posted by knight

Thoughts on loving unconditionally, indiscriminately and selflessly?

Playing devil's advocate here...

Wouldn't a love that's indiscriminate ... while seemingly wonderful on it's face... be sort of a ... "cheapened" ... sort of love? Perhaps that's not the ideal word for it. Meaning, if someone loves everyone ... regardless... what value is their love to each individual? Does it mean anything?

I do differentiate humans' capacity for love from the capacity of a higher power to love.