Rethinking our partner wishlists. Is it "settling" or adjusting to reality?

[sara-bera]

In my late teens, I knew what I wanted my relationship to be like but I've always been less specific about the person. I knew more how I wanted to feel with someone, I think, as opposed to what sort of person I wanted them to be. As a result, I've dated all sorts of people; I've run the gamut of ages, genders, professions, and personality types and I still came to find that it really is all about how I feel with the person, and not really who or what they are.

I mean, they do have to be certain things in order to cause me to feel a particular way, I suppose. For instance, I am submissive in nature and therefore I like the way I feel when I am with someone who has a dominant personality. But, they don't exactly have to be Lord Domly-Dom McMasterson in order for me to be happy. Just because someone likes to put a girl in handcuffs and spank her bum doesn't mean he/she's going to enjoy being the decision-maker in the relationship... which is what I actually need... more than the spankings (though, they're fun too).

I did make the mistake of thinking that Lord Domly was what I needed to be looking for. Further, I think that's a common mistake. People say things like "I need someone with a sense of humor!" Well, most people have a sense of humor - but does it mesh with your own? You could date a comedian and still be miserable. What people actually want is a relationship that filled with happiness and laughter. We should be looking for someone who we can laugh easily with.

At first glance, my Beau is super serious. I would never, ever, EVER, in a million years, think he had a sense of humor. But we laugh together often - more than I ever have with anyone else. We have silly games and inside jokes we share... that no one else might ever find amusing.

But I digress - my point of coming in here was to say that I gave up on what I wanted, in my late twenties. I didn't think I could find it. It was too hard. I settled on trying to find someone I could live with. And it wasn't enough. I shouldn't have done it... because I did end up finding everything I'd always wanted. It just took a lot longer and he certainly didn't come in the package I was expecting.

I think I'd probably be one to urge people not to settle. I gave up and almost missed my chance to be with someone I can't live without and who calls me 'indispensable.'