Rethinking our partner wishlists. Is it "settling" or adjusting to reality?

[sara-bera]

In my late teens, I knew what I wanted my relationship to be like but I've always been less specific about the person. I knew more how I wanted to feel with someone, I think, as opposed to what sort of person I wanted them to be. As a result, I've dated all sorts of people; I've run the gamut of ages, genders, professions, and personality types and I still came to find that it really is all about how I feel with the person, and not really who or what they are.

I mean, they do have to be certain things in order to cause me to feel a particular way, I suppose. For instance, I am submissive in nature and therefore I like the way I feel when I am with someone who has a dominant personality. But, they don't exactly have to be Lord Domly-Dom McMasterson in order for me to be happy. Just because someone likes to put a girl in handcuffs and spank her bum doesn't mean he/she's going to enjoy being the decision-maker in the relationship... which is what I actually need... more than the spankings (though, they're fun too).

I did make the mistake of thinking that Lord Domly was what I needed to be looking for. Further, I think that's a common mistake. People say things like "I need someone with a sense of humor!" Well, most people have a sense of humor - but does it mesh with your own? You could date a comedian and still be miserable. What people actually want is a relationship that filled with happiness and laughter. We should be looking for someone who we can laugh easily with.

At first glance, my Beau is super serious. I would never, ever, EVER, in a million years, think he had a sense of humor. But we laugh together often - more than I ever have with anyone else. We have silly games and inside jokes we share... that no one else might ever find amusing.

But I digress - my point of coming in here was to say that I gave up on what I wanted, in my late twenties. I didn't think I could find it. It was too hard. I settled on trying to find someone I could live with. And it wasn't enough. I shouldn't have done it... because I did end up finding everything I'd always wanted. It just took a lot longer and he certainly didn't come in the package I was expecting.

I think I'd probably be one to urge people not to settle. I gave up and almost missed my chance to be with someone I can't live without and who calls me 'indispensable.'

[SuddenlyWestFemme]

Originally Posted by sara-bera

What people actually want is a relationship that filled with happiness and laughter. We should be looking for someone who we can laugh easily with.

This really hit home for me. A relationship filled with happiness and laughter sounds beautiful.

I have had lists. But the lists have usually been surface (older than me, handsome, etc., etc...) until a friend asked me to really look at my list and go deeper. She asked why I wanted someone older than me? It really came down to my fear of aging and only being liked because I was deemed 'pretty' by society. So I realized I needed to change "older" to "someone who makes me feel secure and loved even on those I feel ugly days." Age (to a point) is irrelevant. Shocking that I didn't know that!

I do think there is a power in pen and tongue which is why I journal and write down my dreams. I have gotten relationships that pretty much match my lists..., but just as someone else on this thread said, I forgot to put kind on the list. So as I've gotten older, I've gotten wiser. Kind is now number one on my list! And I really only have three non-negotiable: Kind, sexually compatible, family guy (or wants to be a family guy). I have kids so a family lifestyle is unavoidable and I can't be with someone who is frustrated by that life.

Sometimes I am literally shocked at how my life turned out. Sometimes I wish I could go back in time and tell that young girl that kindness is the most important thing... That you can't have a relationship filled with happiness and laughter if someone isn't kind to you. Someone who can be mean to others WILL be mean to you. But then I wouldn't have gotten the beautiful lessons of life. Those lessons that have made me more empathetic to others. The lessons that have made me more 'beautiful'.

As I get older, would I rather be alone than with someone that doesn't have the qualities I need? Yes. As I've said, my new list only has three non negotiable things... if you are not kind, sexually compatible with me, and a family guy... I need to be alone. True, there are other things I look for, but the past two years of being a single mom with no family within 2800 miles, has shown me that I can do it on my own. I know that I don't need to be rescued so would rather wait (okay... there is still a little piece of me that totally wants the knight in shinning armor to sweep me off my feet and tell me it is all going to be okay... progress not perfection).

I hope there is a relationship in my future. Recently, after a bit of panic at the thought, I figured out that I am ready for that chapter. I like the thought of additional laughter and love in my life. But I don't need it. And that my friends, is true freedom!

[SweetJane]

This is an interesting thread.

Settling? NEVER. I repeat. NEVER SETTLE.

Excuse me for the shouting. I've found it's hard to be alone, to not even date (when there's nothing wrong with me--the community is limited). BUT it's far worse to settle for a warm body who meet some of the characteristics on my list. I have met butches who have some of them but not all. And the spark just wasn't there.

I do think, however, that sometimes we refine our lists, making them more specific, thus putting something more exact out to the Universe.

When I met the butch who's courting me, I just put my list aside and let the Universe find the person best suited to me. I didn't expect to find everything, but I did... so far. (We will meet next month and, as they say in archaeology, we'll "ground truth" each other.

Don't give up. Keep your standards. But make sure you aren't being too picky on the surface.

Loving wishes to you all in hope you find your perfect partners.

[StrongButch]

Im to old for a list I would forget half of it anyway. (lol) I think communication and forgiveness are only things on my list. The heart takes care of the rest.

[diamondrose]

Iv never had a list

All iv ever wished for in my heart is give and take, honesty, and support