Caregivers and Stress

[girl_dee]

Originally Posted by Chad

I am sorry to hear about your strained relationship with your mother.

My situation is very stressful because of my work load and business travel. My mother and I get along okay for short periods of time but eventually get on each other's nerves. I am the only one left in my family so it is my responsibility to take care of her and help to enrich her life.

I respect her and honor her because she is my mother. It is not easy but it is necessary

Chad, get that, but for me, because she is my mother isn't enough. The only way is to limit my contact with her. i have two siblings who do not speak to her. i have been the one and she is needy by choice. i am more forgiving than them, but i have my limits.

We went through role reversal when i was a kid. i moved out at 17 because of my parents. She finally left my monster of a father after he terrorized us since she met him. (WHY did she wait so long!, she could have saved us!) She was not much better anyway,.Well, she came to stay with me, and pretty much never left. To get her out of the house ( i had a family and she was always just *there* , just sitting on the couch.. ) i have bought a total of two properties and renovated a house for her. While i had friends and family helping me get the place fixed up for her, she would not come around. Then she never moved in it, and reunited with my father! That lasted about a week, and i could not let her back. Each time i have tried, she is not happy. She wants to be IN my house with me, and i just cant handle it. i cashed in a CD once and paid off her car, so she could afford rent somewhere, that did not work. She is overbearing and makes jabs constantly. i have had so many *talks* with her. When i meet someone she hates them right off the bat. The last time, in New Orleans i bought a house with an apartment in the back. It took me 3 months to get her to stay in the apartment, because she wanted to be IN my house that was 3 feet away. She thinks i should be fine with this. NOW She keeps saying i kicked her out. Threw her out.

At one point she stayed with my sister for a little while. She stayed between us both. After THREE years my sister asked her to move her things out. My mom says she threw her out.

i have also taken her on family vacations to Disneyworld several times, the mountains, you name it. i loved having my mom close, but it came at a price. i just cant pay it anymore.

Each time i went to go off with my friends, she told me off right before i left. My life was about how miserable my mom was. i had enough. i found an assisted living facility close by, and thats where she went. She loves it there although she would never admit it to me.

i moved across the country again, and when i talk to her i tell her about how happy i am, her only response is *when can i come out there with you*

Its a very very tough relationship. i have two parents, yet i have no parents.

just once i would like to be able to *go home to my momma* but it has never ever been the case, and i am not going to keep giving up my life hoping she may have one moment of happiness. Its not going to happen.

[Chad]

Originally Posted by girl_dee

Chad, get that, but for me, because she is my mother isn't enough. The only way is to limit my contact with her. i have two siblings who do not speak to her. i have been the one and she is needy by choice. i am more forgiving than them, but i have my limits.

We went through role reversal when i was a kid. i moved out at 17 because of my parents. She finally left my monster of a father after he terrorized us since she met him. (WHY did she wait so long!, she could have saved us!) She was not much better anyway,.Well, she came to stay with me, and pretty much never left. To get her out of the house ( i had a family and she was always just *there* , just sitting on the couch.. ) i have bought a total of two properties and renovated a house for her. While i had friends and family helping me get the place fixed up for her, she would not come around. Then she never moved in it, and reunited with my father! That lasted about a week, and i could not let her back. Each time i have tried, she is not happy. She wants to be IN my house with me, and i just cant handle it. i cashed in a CD once and paid off her car, so she could afford rent somewhere, that did not work. She is overbearing and makes jabs constantly. i have had so many *talks* with her. When i meet someone she hates them right off the bat. The last time, in New Orleans i bought a house with an apartment in the back. It took me 3 months to get her to stay in the apartment, because she wanted to be IN my house that was 3 feet away. She thinks i should be fine with this. NOW She keeps saying i kicked her out. Threw her out.

At one point she stayed with my sister for a little while. She stayed between us both. After THREE years my sister asked her to move her things out. My mom says she threw her out.

i have also taken her on family vacations to Disneyworld several times, the mountains, you name it. i loved having my mom close, but it came at a price. i just cant pay it anymore.

Each time i went to go off with my friends, she told me off right before i left. My life was about how miserable my mom was. i had enough. i found an assisted living facility close by, and thats where she went. She loves it there although she would never admit it to me.

i moved across the country again, and when i talk to her i tell her about how happy i am, her only response is *when can i come out there with you*

Its a very very tough relationship. i have two parents, yet i have no parents.

just once i would like to be able to *go home to my momma* but it has never ever been the case, and i am not going to keep giving up my life hoping she may have one moment of happiness. Its not going to happen.

I am sorry Dee, that sounds very unpleasant.

[girl_dee]

Originally Posted by Chad

I am sorry Dee, that sounds very unpleasant.

Chad,

Gosh please accept my apology for my rant. My mom is giving me a really hard time right now, and, i think when i read about you & your mom having your *normal* plans etc. it totally triggered me. It happens now and then. This is not how its supposed to be.

i definitely did not mean to go on like that ! Whew that was quite a spew of emotion.

i am glad this space is here, believe me, i love my mom. i remind myself that she is doing the best she can. I am doing the best i can. its an extremely difficult relationship to manage (which i why i am the only one left to handle her) and i don't feel i have done a good job. Totally my stuff.


This adulting sure is a LOT of work!

[Chad]

Originally Posted by girl_dee

Chad,

Gosh please accept my apology for my rant. My mom is giving me a really hard time right now, and, i think when i read about you & your mom having your *normal* plans etc. it totally triggered me. It happens now and then. This is not how its supposed to be.

i definitely did not mean to go on like that ! Whew that was quite a spew of emotion.

i am glad this space is here, believe me, i love my mom. i remind myself that she is doing the best she can. I am doing the best i can. its an extremely difficult relationship to manage (which i why i am the only one left to handle her) and i don't feel i have done a good job. Totally my stuff.


This adulting sure is a LOT of work!

Dee, I apologize for upsetting you. I am worried about giving up my privacy when my mom comes to live at my ranch. Being a child of an aging parent is a lot harder than I imagined.

I am grateful for this thread too. We can all help each other. We are not alone and that feels good.

Chad

[girl_dee]

Originally Posted by Chad

Dee, I apologize for upsetting you. I am worried about giving up my privacy when my mom comes to live at my ranch. Being a child of an aging parent is a lot harder than I imagined.

I am grateful for this thread too. We can all help each other. We are not alone and that feels good.

Chad

Yes...

i think for some parents its not a big deal, they respect your privacy. My mom has no boundaries.

If i could do it again........i don't even know.

[girl_dee]

Well my mom hasn't spoken to me since Easter.

She said she was going to stay home all day and cry. My aunt and my sister took her out for the day and she had a good time.

But she still is punishing me. i am going to try again to reach out to her.

[girl_dee]

thank you to the person who sent me the message about not contacting my mom. i REALLY appreciate the insight.

Well she contacted me this morning. She sent me a photo of some newsletter she got from the facility where she lives. It was something crazy about HUD being discontinued and her losing her housing benefits.

and her comment was

"i am going to be living under a bridge"

i responded that i am sorry but thats not going to happen. Nothing i could do to make her stop going off.. so i just left the conversation.

This is weighing on me big time.