PTSD and Trauma recovery

[CherylNYC]

This is an interesting discussion for me. I've had many PTSD symptoms from my earliest memories, but I never self identified as having this disorder. I used to have very obvious symptoms, but I became aware in my early 20s that I was freaking other people out with my 'thousand mile stare', for instance. And my obvious hyper vigilance, among other things. I worked super hard to control all the symptoms that another person might notice because I somehow thought that was the best way for me to move forward and function well.

I left my family early and broke off most contact, devised a plan to make my life work, and I stuck to it. I chose the seemingly most well socialized people I knew and I carefully watched what they did, and how they reacted in all life situations. Then I tried my best to mimic them. It was easy enough to train myself out of some of what I called my 'bad habits', but some behaviors were very well entrenched. Why wouldn't they be? They had saved my life at a time when I was endangered, so it felt/feels alarming to part with them. Like others here, my mother was a narcissist and my family was profoundly disfunctional. I survived several different forms of abuse. When I exploded out into the world as a teenager I had NO IDEA how to act right. Knowing that about myself was precious.

I didn't have many people in my childhood from whom I could model behaviour, so I worked like a dog to learn how to act right as a young adult. It's a LOT harder to get it right as an adult! It's like trying to learn another language. It comes naturally to us as kids, but it's rare to become fluent when you learn late. To this day I continue to look to others to model back to me whether or not I'm running off the rails. I really thought that was how to get 'er done. Even though it's supposed to be an autonomous response, I learned how to short circuit the 'thousand mile stare'. I learned how to talk myself down from anxiety spirals. I now understand that an exclusive behaviour modification approach was/is good for some things, but not so much for others.

Since I'm often making quick and accurate assessments of others in order to determine their suitability/safety for modeling behaviors, I find myself knowing things about them that they've never told me. Sometimes it's way too easy to read them. My closest friend has often found it stunning that I might know so much about people who haven't disclosed their history to me. One day that same very close friend said something to me about "Your PTSD symptoms..." Even though we were speaking on the phone at the time, I actually looked over both shoulders to see who she was talking about! And then it dawned on me that SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT ME!! She said it so matter-of-factly, like saying 'your calico cat'. Wow. It had never occurred to me to put myself in that category. Of course I had PTSD! How had it never crossed my mind? I can laugh at myself now, but it was an... interesting moment at the time.

I had sought therapy a few times over the years, but never found an effective one. As it happens, I was seeing a therapist when I had that revelatory conversation with my friend about PTSD. I told her about it and the therapist said that, yes, of course I had PTSD. Why had she never mentioned it? Because it was so freaking obvious that she thought it didn't need mentioning!!!

Well, now that that's all settled, I can see my own life in a clearer, more forgiving way. I'm grateful for the passage of time which really does blunt trauma. I still react strangely at times. I still get those symptoms, but everything is easier now that I'm so much further away from the experiences that traumatized me. This is going to stay with me until the end, I think. My life will never be easy the way it is for people without childhood traumas, but I'm in charge of myself and my reactions. I'm so much happier now.

[RockOn]

I really appreciate you posting this about your experiences. Glad you are able to have such a realistic view and able to describe the trama and growth so well.

Today I am able to say, "that was then, this is now" and it helps me a great deal to not get stuck.

Sometimes it is difficult for me to figure out things. I heard the "ding, ding, ding" bell several times as I read your post. Very helpful.

I have not awakened from a night terror in a great long while. I am grateful.

Best wishes -

Sincerely,
RockOn

[JustLovelyJenn]

I am going to add myself to the list here and hope that we can have some ongoing conversations. I am desperate for connections and support in this area at the moment.

As many of you know, I have a child with autism who has been the focus of much of my time and energy for many years. She came home last month from 17 months of inpatient psychiatric care. I didn't realize how much the last year before she left had effected me until she came back full time. Now I cant sleep. I panic over everything. I hate to be in spaces that I can not lock. Even the slightest suggestion of an argument has me retreating from an area, and ultimately from a person. It's impacted my relationship, my family life, my work and schooling. I feel like I have lost myself and I spend time every day trying not to break into tears for no apparent reason.

Sadly, the availability of resources where I am at is so limited. I tried counseling while my kiddo was gone, but it wasnt a good fit. There are only a handful of mental health services here that will be covered by my insurace, and because of the work I do, there is someone I know in every office and it makes me feel so uncomfortable going there. I am coming to terms a lot with taking space for my own feelings. I can't take care of others when I am not taking care of myself. This has had me reaching out to find more resources and I have an intake next week at the local domestic violence center.

How do we find resources for support in a rural area? Do any of you know of any online support groups that are good?

[Amulette]

I tend to be a very private person but I feel this is worthy of public discussion. I read in several posts about some of you having Narcissistic mothers. My heart goes out to you, it truly goes out to you. I share that family dynamic as well.

My mother is a Covert Cerebral Narcissist. She is highly intelligent, has psychic abilities and an impeccable facade. All of the dysfunction in our family is very insidious. It looks like one thing when in reality there is something else going on, and that something else is a taboo subject, you never bring it up. Well, being a rebel I did bring it up. I used to say there is so much BS swept under the rug that you can't see across the room. When I did, I became my Mothers enemy. I don't want to go on and on about the what's and how's of that reality. What I do want to share is how it felt.

The were some realities that were true. Meals were on time, our home was clean and pleasantly decorated, my parents worked, and our lives looked pretty much like that of every other family on our block. And then there were the ghosts of the emotional dishonesty and abuse that echoed through our lives.The ghosts were denied, yet kept whispering. Very confusing for an adult let alone for kids. It felt like standing on a tight rope balanced on one foot. You can see the ground but weather or not it is safe to try and step on it is never guaranteed.

People always say I am so calm and peaceful and I am, I'm very Scandinavian in that way. But is also surprises me because that little tight rope walker was always an underlying energy in my being. An anxious little bird. I spent many years following this and that Spiritual teacher, an honest journey but also looking for healing and to understand what was going on.

A few years ago I decided to try a new type of therapy. It's called Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) I'm a big fan, partly because I was lucky and had a fabulous counselor. On about the third visit she asked me to go to this website. “Daughters Of Narcissistic Mothers”. She said take a look at it and tell me what you think of it on our next visit.

Curious, I looked at it that night. OMG for the first time in my life the ghosts had a name. My feelings although denied were true. It was like an outline of what went on. What a freaking relief and sad reality all at once. It was a bit like seeing the sun rise for the first time.

Why I like EMDR. Say something happens to you that you are not able to feel and process, what ever that is. The way I see it the feelings become frozen and need a place to be stored. So they lodge in your body somewhere. Kind of like putting food in the freezer for later. For me talk alone does not move and resolve the energy of the event from my body. So while my mind understands what happened, I still don't feel better. EMDR actually allowed me to process, feel and release the events.

I believe that the the left and right brain stimulation produces a theta state of mind which (for me) allows me to relive painful events in an objective way, and often allows me to understand things I was unable to before. It feels safe and I feel curious even when it's intense. I feel like it helped me make real progress and even look forward to doing the work.

"Theta brainwaves correspond to a state of mind associated with dreams and waking dreams, as well as a deep meditative state. Theta brainwaves are slower than the Beta and Alpha activity we normally have in daily life. ... In a Theta state, you tap into the creative and intuitive resources of your mind."

Well, the book will follow. HAHAHAHA Sending love to all of you on this journey.

[Apocalipstic]

I have not been here in forever!

Yes, EMDR seems to really help me process. It is exhausting though, so I can only do a few minutes at a time, on days when I can go on home and don't have to go back to work. I am not sure why.

My PTSD comes and goes. I try to be careful with stress, who I am around and loud noises etc. I've been having difficulty sleeping lately. Even when I take Ambien. I hope that passes soon.

Love to all of you and hope your symptoms are not too bad right now.

[candy_coated_bitch]

I also find EMDR exhausting and can only do it when I am in a more stable frame of mind. Otherwise I run the risk of completely decompensating and dissociating in my session and it's a mess. I think it's a great tool and I do find it helpful but I do not by any means do it constantly.

My heart goes out to everyone struggling right now. I'm having a hard time myself.

TRIGGER WARNING: Childhood sexual abuse, incest, seeing one's abuser

I kinda feel like even trigger warnings can be triggering so I apologize but I need to get this out. Starting as early as three years old (this is my earliest memory of this), I was sexually abused by my uncle. No one in the family knows except my sister. This is a personal decision based on the fact that I think it would cause huge drama in my family and adult life and give me no relief or benefit. So please, I do not want the advice if telling my family. Actually I'm not really here for advice at all but just support.

So, because no one knows about him I force myself to endure seeing him in certain family get togethers. I know he knows I know. I saw him this past 4th of July and had to endure two hugs and being called sweetheart by him.

I've been kind of off my rocker since then. I skipped therapy the past two weeks because I feel like I just can't deal. Not my best decisions but I'm just going day by day here. My symptoms are really bad and I've been super stressed out.

I feel really vulnerable putting this information out there for the public but I feel the folks of this thread will understand and hold space for me.

Thank you for reading.

[easygoingfemme]

Originally Posted by candy_coated_bitch

t I feel the folks of this thread will understand and hold space for me.

Thank you for reading.

Absolutely holding space for you. And I'm really glad I'll see you in person soon. All the hugs and support.

[dark_crystal]

I had an insight last week about why i always feel so sick with shame and dread the day after family/social/work functions that require extended interpersonal interactions with people who have not made my "safe" list.

I always spend the whole next day ruminating over my behavior and looking for shameful things that i did that might match up with the horrible feeling of having exposed myself.

In the past i have usually been able to identify some comment i made that seems thoughtless in retrospect and then i will connect all of my yucky feelings with that, and just shame myself for whatever i have identified as my own bad behavior.

Earlier this month, though, i spent a day feeling shamed about my behavior at an author event-- but, try as i might, i just could not find anything i had done that justified the shame.

Like, i had not spoken to anyone at all-- i just came in looking beautiful and sat listening respectfully, then waited in line to have my book signed and thanked the author for coming. Then i went home and i did not actually interact with anyone except the author and the lady next to me who asked my favorite of the author's titles. There was nothing at all in my own behavior that i could pin the yucky feelings to.

Last weekend the same thing happened. I had a very intense day at my dad's birthday, with four different traumatizers in the mix, and the next day i felt shame and regret and i still could not identify anything i had done that was at all problematic.

I have figured out that i am not feeling shame and regret, i am feeling exposure and vulnerability, and that these are not connected to my behavior.

Being around unsafe people makes me feel vulnerable and exposed, but i cannot function in the situation with those emotions at the surface, so i seal them up and push them down while the interaction is happening. The next day, when i am safely out of the situation, the feelings come to the surface to be felt and then i assign them a cause from my own behavior because i was raised to blame myself for everything.

[Apocalipstic]

Originally Posted by dark_crystal

I had an insight last week about why i always feel so sick with shame and dread the day after family/social/work functions that require extended interpersonal interactions with people who have not made my "safe" list.

I always spend the whole next day ruminating over my behavior and looking for shameful things that i did that might match up with the horrible feeling of having exposed myself.

In the past i have usually been able to identify some comment i made that seems thoughtless in retrospect and then i will connect all of my yucky feelings with that, and just shame myself for whatever i have identified as my own bad behavior.

Earlier this month, though, i spent a day feeling shamed about my behavior at an author event-- but, try as i might, i just could not find anything i had done that justified the shame.

Like, i had not spoken to anyone at all-- i just came in looking beautiful and sat listening respectfully, then waited in line to have my book signed and thanked the author for coming. Then i went home and i did not actually interact with anyone except the author and the lady next to me who asked my favorite of the author's titles. There was nothing at all in my own behavior that i could pin the yucky feelings to.

Last weekend the same thing happened. I had a very intense day at my dad's birthday, with four different traumatizers in the mix, and the next day i felt shame and regret and i still could not identify anything i had done that was at all problematic.

I have figured out that i am not feeling shame and regret, i am feeling exposure and vulnerability, and that these are not connected to my behavior.

Being around unsafe people makes me feel vulnerable and exposed, but i cannot function in the situation with those emotions at the surface, so i seal them up and push them down while the interaction is happening. The next day, when i am safely out of the situation, the feelings come to the surface to be felt and then i assign them a cause from my own behavior because i was raised to blame myself for everything.

Oh wow! Great post and processing! I might do something similar to that. I have shame and regret issues too. I know that if I am super attracted to someone, its probably fear, not attraction. Maybe my shame is tied to other things too.

I get it and am so impressed that you have been able to name your feelings. I have such a difficult time with feelings. I do know what they are now, so progress. But still.

[Kätzchen]

Tonight at my therapy counseling session, I met the new therapist who will take over in September. She's a Transgender Woman and she is simply soft-spoken and welcoming and she is able to accommodate my work schedule. So because she isn't available on a couple Saturdays a month, I'll be seeing her three times a month, on Wednesday nights, at a much later time, due to horrific traffic conditions in our metro area. The lesbian therapist I've been seeing for about a year now, was terribly happy that the Transgendered Woman and I hit it off, during our introductory meeting tonight.

Also, we are only going to do one session of EMDR once a month, then use two follow-up appts to process the one EMDR session.

Slowly guided and safe processing is the goal.

Next week is my last session with my year long placement with my therapist. So we plan to use our hour of time wisely and make plans for the transition in September to my new therapist.

I'm feeling hopeful about progress I have made so far, but look forward to expanded healing as time goes by.

[dark_crystal]

Originally Posted by dark_crystal

I had an insight last week about why i always feel so sick with shame and dread the day after family/social/work functions that require extended interpersonal interactions with people who have not made my "safe" list.

I always spend the whole next day ruminating over my behavior and looking for shameful things that i did that might match up with the horrible feeling of having exposed myself.

In the past i have usually been able to identify some comment i made that seems thoughtless in retrospect and then i will connect all of my yucky feelings with that, and just shame myself for whatever i have identified as my own bad behavior.

Earlier this month, though, i spent a day feeling shamed about my behavior at an author event-- but, try as i might, i just could not find anything i had done that justified the shame.

Like, i had not spoken to anyone at all-- i just came in looking beautiful and sat listening respectfully, then waited in line to have my book signed and thanked the author for coming. Then i went home and i did not actually interact with anyone except the author and the lady next to me who asked my favorite of the author's titles. There was nothing at all in my own behavior that i could pin the yucky feelings to.

Last weekend the same thing happened. I had a very intense day at my dad's birthday, with four different traumatizers in the mix, and the next day i felt shame and regret and i still could not identify anything i had done that was at all problematic.

I have figured out that i am not feeling shame and regret, i am feeling exposure and vulnerability, and that these are not connected to my behavior.

Being around unsafe people makes me feel vulnerable and exposed, but i cannot function in the situation with those emotions at the surface, so i seal them up and push them down while the interaction is happening. The next day, when i am safely out of the situation, the feelings come to the surface to be felt and then i assign them a cause from my own behavior because i was raised to blame myself for everything.

Here's the rest of the story about my dad's birthday: I could not remember any bad behavior, but i could not remember going to bed, either.

I remembered my sister and i saying goodbye to the last of our cousins and then coming upstairs, where my mom was feeding the kids and my dad.

I remembered we sat down and ate with them and then moved to the couch.

Because i did not remember what happened after that, I convinced myself i must have then gotten blackout drunk and showed my ass, even though i had been extremely vigilant about drinking all day (bc at the last family beach house party my uncle publicly denounced my marriage over lunch and i DID get a little sideways, although not to the blackout or ass-showing level, just designated-driver level.)

I have been waiting two weeks for the lecture i was sure Mr. Jenny had been sitting on about my bad behavior, then...

Last night in the car she started laughing about the whole family falling asleep on the beach house sofa after dinner, how i barely woke up enough to move to the bedroom, and how she tried to wake me up by jiggling my boobs and my sister was like "i don't think that's going to do it."

Then the whole family went to bed!

Everything was just as innocent as could be (except the nonconsensual boob action), but i woke up before dawn the next day just sick with shame, and i laid there for three hours convinced that everyone was mad at me, i was on my way to an intervention and possibly inpatient treatment, and maybe would not be allowed to be around the kids anymore.

[dark_crystal]

Originally Posted by dark_crystal

I had an insight last week about why i always feel so sick with shame and dread the day after family/social/work functions that require extended interpersonal interactions with people who have not made my "safe" list.

I always spend the whole next day ruminating over my behavior and looking for shameful things that i did that might match up with the horrible feeling of having exposed myself.

In the past i have usually been able to identify some comment i made that seems thoughtless in retrospect and then i will connect all of my yucky feelings with that, and just shame myself for whatever i have identified as my own bad behavior.

Earlier this month, though, i spent a day feeling shamed about my behavior at an author event-- but, try as i might, i just could not find anything i had done that justified the shame.

Like, i had not spoken to anyone at all-- i just came in looking beautiful and sat listening respectfully, then waited in line to have my book signed and thanked the author for coming. Then i went home and i did not actually interact with anyone except the author and the lady next to me who asked my favorite of the author's titles. There was nothing at all in my own behavior that i could pin the yucky feelings to.

Last weekend the same thing happened. I had a very intense day at my dad's birthday, with four different traumatizers in the mix, and the next day i felt shame and regret and i still could not identify anything i had done that was at all problematic.

I have figured out that i am not feeling shame and regret, i am feeling exposure and vulnerability, and that these are not connected to my behavior.

Being around unsafe people makes me feel vulnerable and exposed, but i cannot function in the situation with those emotions at the surface, so i seal them up and push them down while the interaction is happening. The next day, when i am safely out of the situation, the feelings come to the surface to be felt and then i assign them a cause from my own behavior because i was raised to blame myself for everything.

OMG YOU GUYS

i found out yesterday that this is a real thing called a "vulnerability hangover" and Brene Brown covers it in a TED talk

i did not watch the TED Talk lol this is not a weekend for breakthroughs this is a weekend for armoring up

[candy_coated_bitch]

Originally Posted by dark_crystal

OMG YOU GUYS

i found out yesterday that this is a real thing called a "vulnerability hangover" and Brene Brown covers it in a TED talk

i did not watch the TED Talk lol this is not a weekend for breakthroughs this is a weekend for armoring up

I haven't listened yet, but just that term. I totally relate!!!

I hope your family thing went as smoothly as possible. <3 *hugs*

[dark_crystal]

Originally Posted by dark_crystal

my Aunt was ranting about illegal electioneering on the part of the school superintendent and i broke in with MY story about my Mayor trying to coerce ME into doing the same thing.

She really enjoyed that dirt (i emphasized the closed door and offer of protection [i've posted about this before, right?])

I see that i have lol. Sorry to keep harping on it but NOTHING HAPPENED TO HIM

Originally Posted by dark_crystal

I sought therapy this year due to reemergence of dissociative symptoms following multiple incidents of workplace bullying by a board member and one incident of closed-door illegal electoral coercion by the mayor.