PTSD and Trauma recovery

[candy_coated_bitch]

Originally Posted by Apocalipstic

This morning I was going to church, I was happy groper man would not be there. I was getting ready and something said....don't. I don't know if I can go back. UGH. I thought I had found a supportive home. I'm sad. And while I know I had nothing to do with groper's behavior, I feel ashamed and guilty. Well, Groper is back there. I am so glad I did not go today, that I listened to my gut.
Church has always failed me, but I thought maybe this one would be good for me. I may look for another, IDK. Maybe Unitarian.
I am exhausted from being so hyper alert.
Rambling.
Kinda lost. Vaca starts Weds for long weekend. Yay.

I'm soooo glad you listened to your instincts and didn't go. Sometimes we really do know what's best for us. If the Groper Man is back at your church it is not the church for you. I'm sorry church has always failed you. That's sad.

And NO you did nothing wrong. But I understand how those feelings of guilt and shame crop up. I'm so sorry you're exhausted and feeling lost, too. Glad you have a vacation coming up!!! May you have some good times to take your mind off.

Originally Posted by Apocalipstic

Just for today, I will breathe calmly and steadily.
Just for today, I will get up and get a glass of water, when I start to feel anxious.
Just for today, I will do everything I can to make tomorrow a calm day too.

Love and

Jenny

I will do this too. I have been out of my anxiety meds over the weekend so I'm kinda losing my shit here. Deep breaths. I have the means to get them this afternoon. Other than that, I will do for myself what I can. Breathing and water are so basic yet we often forget them. <3

[Apocalipstic]

Originally Posted by candy_coated_bitch

I will do this too. I have been out of my anxiety meds over the weekend so I'm kinda losing my shit here. Deep breaths. I have the means to get them this afternoon. Other than that, I will do for myself what I can. Breathing and water are so basic yet we often forget them. <3

I hope you get your meds this afternoon. Its so difficult to be out. I know that feeling!

I often forget to breathe too when I am upset or triggered and to drink water...

The other night I was so anxious and a friend suggested I take a bubble bath. I only have a shower, so I showered and scrubbed with salt and lavender. I felt so much better after. I think I am going to make this a part of my routine at least once a week.

May today be peaceful CCB! xoxoxo

[candy_coated_bitch]

Originally Posted by Apocalipstic

I hope you get your meds this afternoon. Its so difficult to be out. I know that feeling!

I often forget to breathe too when I am upset or triggered and to drink water...

The other night I was so anxious and a friend suggested I take a bubble bath. I only have a shower, so I showered and scrubbed with salt and lavender. I felt so much better after. I think I am going to make this a part of my routine at least once a week.

May today be peaceful CCB! xoxoxo

I finally am home after errands and have my anxiety meds in me. I'm doing a lot better. I am remember to breathe and have some sage incense going.

I had a similar shower experience yesterday. I usually rush through them only when I need to because I find them incredibly triggering. But I recently decided to take back that space and redecorated and got some nice shower products. I took a shower for the first time I can remember in forever because I wanted the nice experience and not because I had to. I put music on and took my time with a nice exfoliating apricot soap and fancy shampoo and conditioner I treated myself to at the salon. I took my time and resisted the urge to just rush through the experience. It felt really good to take care of my body. I am definitely making a point of doing that more.

I hope you are having a peaceful day, too, ((((Apoc))))

[Apocalipstic]

Originally Posted by candy_coated_bitch

I finally am home after errands and have my anxiety meds in me. I'm doing a lot better. I am remember to breathe and have some sage incense going.

I had a similar shower experience yesterday. I usually rush through them only when I need to because I find them incredibly triggering. But I recently decided to take back that space and redecorated and got some nice shower products. I took a shower for the first time I can remember in forever because I wanted the nice experience and not because I had to. I put music on and took my time with a nice exfoliating apricot soap and fancy shampoo and conditioner I treated myself to at the salon. I took my time and resisted the urge to just rush through the experience. It felt really good to take care of my body. I am definitely making a point of doing that more.

I hope you are having a peaceful day, too, ((((Apoc))))

What a great plan for taking back the shower! I think I will add music next time too

Maybe that's the key, to sometimes take back some of the things we fear. Maybe we even take them back with cute stuff we love. Hmmmmmm. something to think on.

Glad you got anxiety meds. I get anxious if I am low on them sometimes.

[candy_coated_bitch]

Originally Posted by Esme nha Maire

I know that everyone has problems. I knew that at least some of my friends here have had particularly bad ones. I hadn't realised, until looking to see what someone I know had posted here had said, that so many of you had had such intense personal traumas that affected you so badly. Such personal attacks on the self, I mean, as against the still bad and upsetting but more "diffuse" stuff that some of us have to cope with, like having the wrong mindset to fully comprehend the bureaucracy of the world, which can still be damned upsetting, but isn't aimed at the individual nor is it done by an individual.

I am so sorry to learn this of you, my adorable sisters, known to me or not! May deity grant you the strength to get through your bad times and reach a happier state!

Much love and hugs to you all,

Esme xxx

Thank you for the support. ((((Esme)))))

Originally Posted by Apocalipstic

What a great plan for taking back the shower! I think I will add music next time too

Maybe that's the key, to sometimes take back some of the things we fear. Maybe we even take them back with cute stuff we love. Hmmmmmm. something to think on.

Glad you got anxiety meds. I get anxious if I am low on them sometimes.

**TRIGGER WARNING** Talk of medication and reference to childhood sexual abuse.




Yes, having the meds is as important as the other stuff. Sometimes i forget they even work because I have so much residual anxiety, but then I run out and I realize.

I took another shower with music today before therapy. It wasn't quite as good as Sunday's, because I felt I "had" to shower but it also wasn't triggering the way pre-bathroom-takeback showers were.

I redid the bathroom because I realized the tile in the shower was the EXACT same color as the tile in the bathroom I was systematically abused in as a child. I found I couldn't stop staring at the tile and having intrusive memories and flashbacks. I even picked out a shower curtain that matched the tile. I don't know why it took me so long to realize...

Anyway. I threw away that damn shower curtain and ordered a beautiful mermaid one, mermaid decals for the inside of the shower, bright blue beautiful towels that perfectly match the mermaid's hair, and an over the toilet storage unit. I also want to get some nice candles when I can. It made SUCH a difference to my life to reclaim that space.

I was avoiding showers, cleaning the bathroom, even using it. Id hold it until the last possible second. It was no way to live. It hasn't been magic but it, along with my work in therapy, has made a huge difference.

I had a good therapy session today and feel like I am doing good trauma work. I didn't do EMDR but did a very successful visualization. I like the way my therapist is letting me take the lead right now but is also a really good support.

[dark_crystal]

I had a choice of an EMDR therapist or a CBT one and i went with the one i had heard of.

I like my CBT therapist and i want to keep seeing her but i need her to lay off on me changing jobs.

She feels like my acceptance of homophobia at my job is a symptom of my trauma, but i kind of feel like her viewpoint is a little straight-privileged.

Like there are not enough non-homophobic jobs for every queer person to have one, I'm sorry. Homophobic workplaces are a daily reality for tons of us. I need her to help me live with that in a damage-controlled way. I do not need the victim-blaming that says my staying at my job is part of my illness.

Like, there are only 22 jobs in my field in the entire state. Only 16 of them are local to me. Only five of those are within sight of my level of experience, and all five of those would require pay cuts of 25-30%

Like, i am looking! I look every day! But it could be years before there is an appropriate opening for which i am the best candidate.

That is not me participating in my own trauma, that is me trying not to waste the very expensive education i am still paying for while existing in fucking Texas

[Kätzchen]

I dunno. I saw my new therapist tonight; second time I've seen my therapist (she's transgendered). I felt like we were quietly crossing swords, for lack of a better description. I don't like it when I feel like I'm having to 'cross swords' with anyone. I usually shut down. And I did. I feel pretty quiet tonight, but I will go next week, then take a couple of weeks off. I'm not quite sold on the idea of EMDR. One session, plus today's follow-up session of regular therapy is not exactly enough of an idea to know it's gonna help.

But I want to follow through with the commitment I've committed to for the next 12 weeks. I'll see if I can fairly assess if it's making a difference (in a positive direction) and if not, then I will discontinue this type of therapeutic treatment.

<<<<<<<<-- terribly tired tonight, emotionally exhausted. One shouldn't have to defend their self in therapy, is what I'm mulling over.

[Esme nha Maire]

I know that everyone has problems. I knew that at least some of my friends here have had particularly bad ones. I hadn't realised, until looking to see what someone I know had posted here had said, that so many of you had had such intense personal traumas that affected you so badly. Such personal attacks on the self, I mean, as against the still bad and upsetting but more "diffuse" stuff that some of us have to cope with, like having the wrong mindset to fully comprehend the bureaucracy of the world, which can still be damned upsetting, but isn't aimed at the individual nor is it done by an individual.

I am so sorry to learn this of you, my adorable sisters, known to me or not! May deity grant you the strength to get through your bad times and reach a happier state!

Much love and hugs to you all,

Esme xxx

[Apocalipstic]

Originally Posted by Esme nha Maire

I know that everyone has problems. I knew that at least some of my friends here have had particularly bad ones. I hadn't realised, until looking to see what someone I know had posted here had said, that so many of you had had such intense personal traumas that affected you so badly. Such personal attacks on the self, I mean, as against the still bad and upsetting but more "diffuse" stuff that some of us have to cope with, like having the wrong mindset to fully comprehend the bureaucracy of the world, which can still be damned upsetting, but isn't aimed at the individual nor is it done by an individual.

I am so sorry to learn this of you, my adorable sisters, known to me or not! May deity grant you the strength to get through your bad times and reach a happier state!

Much love and hugs to you all,

Esme xxx

Esme, you are a sweet darlink! Thank you so much for your support! xoxoxoxo