PTSD and Trauma recovery

[candy_coated_bitch]

Originally Posted by Apocalipstic

I hope you get your meds this afternoon. Its so difficult to be out. I know that feeling!

I often forget to breathe too when I am upset or triggered and to drink water...

The other night I was so anxious and a friend suggested I take a bubble bath. I only have a shower, so I showered and scrubbed with salt and lavender. I felt so much better after. I think I am going to make this a part of my routine at least once a week.

May today be peaceful CCB! xoxoxo

I finally am home after errands and have my anxiety meds in me. I'm doing a lot better. I am remember to breathe and have some sage incense going.

I had a similar shower experience yesterday. I usually rush through them only when I need to because I find them incredibly triggering. But I recently decided to take back that space and redecorated and got some nice shower products. I took a shower for the first time I can remember in forever because I wanted the nice experience and not because I had to. I put music on and took my time with a nice exfoliating apricot soap and fancy shampoo and conditioner I treated myself to at the salon. I took my time and resisted the urge to just rush through the experience. It felt really good to take care of my body. I am definitely making a point of doing that more.

I hope you are having a peaceful day, too, ((((Apoc))))

[Apocalipstic]

Originally Posted by candy_coated_bitch

I finally am home after errands and have my anxiety meds in me. I'm doing a lot better. I am remember to breathe and have some sage incense going.

I had a similar shower experience yesterday. I usually rush through them only when I need to because I find them incredibly triggering. But I recently decided to take back that space and redecorated and got some nice shower products. I took a shower for the first time I can remember in forever because I wanted the nice experience and not because I had to. I put music on and took my time with a nice exfoliating apricot soap and fancy shampoo and conditioner I treated myself to at the salon. I took my time and resisted the urge to just rush through the experience. It felt really good to take care of my body. I am definitely making a point of doing that more.

I hope you are having a peaceful day, too, ((((Apoc))))

What a great plan for taking back the shower! I think I will add music next time too

Maybe that's the key, to sometimes take back some of the things we fear. Maybe we even take them back with cute stuff we love. Hmmmmmm. something to think on.

Glad you got anxiety meds. I get anxious if I am low on them sometimes.

[candy_coated_bitch]

Originally Posted by Esme nha Maire

I know that everyone has problems. I knew that at least some of my friends here have had particularly bad ones. I hadn't realised, until looking to see what someone I know had posted here had said, that so many of you had had such intense personal traumas that affected you so badly. Such personal attacks on the self, I mean, as against the still bad and upsetting but more "diffuse" stuff that some of us have to cope with, like having the wrong mindset to fully comprehend the bureaucracy of the world, which can still be damned upsetting, but isn't aimed at the individual nor is it done by an individual.

I am so sorry to learn this of you, my adorable sisters, known to me or not! May deity grant you the strength to get through your bad times and reach a happier state!

Much love and hugs to you all,

Esme xxx

Thank you for the support. ((((Esme)))))

Originally Posted by Apocalipstic

What a great plan for taking back the shower! I think I will add music next time too

Maybe that's the key, to sometimes take back some of the things we fear. Maybe we even take them back with cute stuff we love. Hmmmmmm. something to think on.

Glad you got anxiety meds. I get anxious if I am low on them sometimes.

**TRIGGER WARNING** Talk of medication and reference to childhood sexual abuse.




Yes, having the meds is as important as the other stuff. Sometimes i forget they even work because I have so much residual anxiety, but then I run out and I realize.

I took another shower with music today before therapy. It wasn't quite as good as Sunday's, because I felt I "had" to shower but it also wasn't triggering the way pre-bathroom-takeback showers were.

I redid the bathroom because I realized the tile in the shower was the EXACT same color as the tile in the bathroom I was systematically abused in as a child. I found I couldn't stop staring at the tile and having intrusive memories and flashbacks. I even picked out a shower curtain that matched the tile. I don't know why it took me so long to realize...

Anyway. I threw away that damn shower curtain and ordered a beautiful mermaid one, mermaid decals for the inside of the shower, bright blue beautiful towels that perfectly match the mermaid's hair, and an over the toilet storage unit. I also want to get some nice candles when I can. It made SUCH a difference to my life to reclaim that space.

I was avoiding showers, cleaning the bathroom, even using it. Id hold it until the last possible second. It was no way to live. It hasn't been magic but it, along with my work in therapy, has made a huge difference.

I had a good therapy session today and feel like I am doing good trauma work. I didn't do EMDR but did a very successful visualization. I like the way my therapist is letting me take the lead right now but is also a really good support.

[dark_crystal]

I had a choice of an EMDR therapist or a CBT one and i went with the one i had heard of.

I like my CBT therapist and i want to keep seeing her but i need her to lay off on me changing jobs.

She feels like my acceptance of homophobia at my job is a symptom of my trauma, but i kind of feel like her viewpoint is a little straight-privileged.

Like there are not enough non-homophobic jobs for every queer person to have one, I'm sorry. Homophobic workplaces are a daily reality for tons of us. I need her to help me live with that in a damage-controlled way. I do not need the victim-blaming that says my staying at my job is part of my illness.

Like, there are only 22 jobs in my field in the entire state. Only 16 of them are local to me. Only five of those are within sight of my level of experience, and all five of those would require pay cuts of 25-30%

Like, i am looking! I look every day! But it could be years before there is an appropriate opening for which i am the best candidate.

That is not me participating in my own trauma, that is me trying not to waste the very expensive education i am still paying for while existing in fucking Texas

[Kätzchen]

I dunno. I saw my new therapist tonight; second time I've seen my therapist (she's transgendered). I felt like we were quietly crossing swords, for lack of a better description. I don't like it when I feel like I'm having to 'cross swords' with anyone. I usually shut down. And I did. I feel pretty quiet tonight, but I will go next week, then take a couple of weeks off. I'm not quite sold on the idea of EMDR. One session, plus today's follow-up session of regular therapy is not exactly enough of an idea to know it's gonna help.

But I want to follow through with the commitment I've committed to for the next 12 weeks. I'll see if I can fairly assess if it's making a difference (in a positive direction) and if not, then I will discontinue this type of therapeutic treatment.

<<<<<<<<-- terribly tired tonight, emotionally exhausted. One shouldn't have to defend their self in therapy, is what I'm mulling over.

[MrSunshine]

Originally Posted by Kätzchen

I dunno. I saw my new therapist tonight; second time I've seen my therapist (she's transgendered). I felt like we were quietly crossing swords, for lack of a better description. I don't like it when I feel like I'm having to 'cross swords' with anyone. I usually shut down. And I did. I feel pretty quiet tonight, but I will go next week, then take a couple of weeks off. I'm not quite sold on the idea of EMDR. One session, plus today's follow-up session of regular therapy is not exactly enough of an idea to know it's gonna help.

But I want to follow through with the commitment I've committed to for the next 12 weeks. I'll see if I can fairly assess if it's making a difference (in a positive direction) and if not, then I will discontinue this type of therapeutic treatment.

<<<<<<<<-- terribly tired tonight, emotionally exhausted. One shouldn't have to defend their self in therapy, is what I'm mulling over.

You are absolutely right Katzchen! They should be there for you and listen/direct. You most definitely should not feel like you have to defend anything in therapy. I
I hope it turns around for you and if not just keep stepping. Apologies for the lack of dots over your “a”. (Umlaut)

[Apocalipstic]

EMDR helps the parts of our minds and bodies that can't speak....that don't have words. These parts of us where hurt just as much or more than our language centers. My our minds shut out, our bodies still remember.

I feel that a therapist should be there to support and not cross swords with us. They can make suggestions, like a new job...but only we know what works for us. Do not feel intimidated to change therapists if one is not working. Something I have done is make a list of issues and handed it to therapist to read, when I am too nervous to communicate well.

It my most recent therapy we decided to get back to the EMDR to try to get to the basis of my freezing and my throat closing up when groped by freak man at church. I need to be able to protect myself when bad things happen. I used to be, but PTSD and trauma are progressive diseases.
Like I don't know where exactly this comes from.

Anyway, I will report back on how it goes.

On a positive note, vacation really helped. I got away from work, the news and church. I am much more positive and less triggered. I am dedicated to taking little vacations along to way for my mental health (and fun).

Love to all! xoxoxoxoxxo

[JustLovelyJenn]

I need to find a therapist. I know there is shit I am not dealing with and feel like I can't talk about. But, I have state insurance and I cant find a competent therapist in my area that takes my insurance. I am feeling frustrated and a little like I am drowning. I am not sure what to do. Do I start looking out of my area and travel an hour to therapy a couple times a month? Do I just give up and start looking shit up on my own again and hoping I can find enough motivation to walk my way through the therapies that may help...

Ugh, I know it effects so many parts of my life, and I know I am just shoving shit down, and I know that means that eventually I blow and anyone in radius gets hit with PTSD shrapnel as it flies out of me in every direction... But I am feeling stuck.