PTSD and Trauma recovery

[Kätzchen]

I dunno. I saw my new therapist tonight; second time I've seen my therapist (she's transgendered). I felt like we were quietly crossing swords, for lack of a better description. I don't like it when I feel like I'm having to 'cross swords' with anyone. I usually shut down. And I did. I feel pretty quiet tonight, but I will go next week, then take a couple of weeks off. I'm not quite sold on the idea of EMDR. One session, plus today's follow-up session of regular therapy is not exactly enough of an idea to know it's gonna help.

But I want to follow through with the commitment I've committed to for the next 12 weeks. I'll see if I can fairly assess if it's making a difference (in a positive direction) and if not, then I will discontinue this type of therapeutic treatment.

<<<<<<<<-- terribly tired tonight, emotionally exhausted. One shouldn't have to defend their self in therapy, is what I'm mulling over.

[MrSunshine]

Originally Posted by Kätzchen

I dunno. I saw my new therapist tonight; second time I've seen my therapist (she's transgendered). I felt like we were quietly crossing swords, for lack of a better description. I don't like it when I feel like I'm having to 'cross swords' with anyone. I usually shut down. And I did. I feel pretty quiet tonight, but I will go next week, then take a couple of weeks off. I'm not quite sold on the idea of EMDR. One session, plus today's follow-up session of regular therapy is not exactly enough of an idea to know it's gonna help.

But I want to follow through with the commitment I've committed to for the next 12 weeks. I'll see if I can fairly assess if it's making a difference (in a positive direction) and if not, then I will discontinue this type of therapeutic treatment.

<<<<<<<<-- terribly tired tonight, emotionally exhausted. One shouldn't have to defend their self in therapy, is what I'm mulling over.

You are absolutely right Katzchen! They should be there for you and listen/direct. You most definitely should not feel like you have to defend anything in therapy. I
I hope it turns around for you and if not just keep stepping. Apologies for the lack of dots over your “a”. (Umlaut)

[Apocalipstic]

EMDR helps the parts of our minds and bodies that can't speak....that don't have words. These parts of us where hurt just as much or more than our language centers. My our minds shut out, our bodies still remember.

I feel that a therapist should be there to support and not cross swords with us. They can make suggestions, like a new job...but only we know what works for us. Do not feel intimidated to change therapists if one is not working. Something I have done is make a list of issues and handed it to therapist to read, when I am too nervous to communicate well.

It my most recent therapy we decided to get back to the EMDR to try to get to the basis of my freezing and my throat closing up when groped by freak man at church. I need to be able to protect myself when bad things happen. I used to be, but PTSD and trauma are progressive diseases.
Like I don't know where exactly this comes from.

Anyway, I will report back on how it goes.

On a positive note, vacation really helped. I got away from work, the news and church. I am much more positive and less triggered. I am dedicated to taking little vacations along to way for my mental health (and fun).

Love to all! xoxoxoxoxxo

[Apocalipstic]

I wanted to say that I am not pushing for EMDR, Brain Spotting, or anything else. Just sharing that they have worked for me.

For me, they have blurred the edges of my trauma so when I remember, the impact is not so great for me. I can certainly see where in the wrong hands it might be hurtful.

I recommend carefully researching any therapist, psychologist, Psychiatrist or even regular doctor. Its important.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

[candy_coated_bitch]

Yeah, it's whatever works for you personally. If you're having problems with your therapist please don't hesitate to either bring it up with them or shop around. I've fired a number of therapists in my past. I now have one I love.

EMDR also works really well for me. It brings certain memories from being super intrusive and distressing to kind of digestable.

I had a very distressing week with my cPTSD. I woke up to hearing something at the front door. I immediately jumped out of bed in a panic. One of the running tapes in my mind is someone breaking into my apartment and assaulting me and/or killing me. I think about it almost every night. It's crazy. Anyway, in that moment my worst fears felt like they were coming true. I have no idea what I heard, but it doesn't matter it totally set me off. I've been barely sleeping, having to take extra Valium due to uncontrollable anxiety, and having nightmares and flashbacks. I hate how something like a sound at the front door can set me back so far.

I had therapy yesterday, which did help. I wasn't prepared to do EMDR around the traumas that brought me to that reaction, but I will get there. It was a supportive and constructive conversation though. I'm so glad I have a great therapist.

Anyway, I feel like I'm rambling. I appreciate the support of this thread so much. And I offer everyone my love and support and hope for better times.

[dark_crystal]

Family reunion today. I'm already triggered and on half a Xanax. Even if nobody gets around to hate speech or microaggression today, it's just excruciating being in a room containing the entire leadership of the Montgomery county Tea Party and a bunch of people who refused to attend my wedding.

One cousin, the youngest, represented my mom's family at my wedding (aside from my mom). Way back in 1997 he asked to do something inappropriate to me, though, so i am not exactly hoping he'll be there.

My therapist would say i should not go. But my mom is kind of trapped in her house unless me or my sister can help her with dad.

Dad is probably winding up a microaggression for the car ride, though, as he is unhappy about me taking Mr. Jenny's name recently. He found out about it last week and i know he has been stewing, unless his dementia ate the information, which is not something to hope for, but still.

Mr. Jenny is out of town, so i will have to drive with my dad riding shotgun. Hopefully he will nap and not talk.

[JustLovelyJenn]

I need to find a therapist. I know there is shit I am not dealing with and feel like I can't talk about. But, I have state insurance and I cant find a competent therapist in my area that takes my insurance. I am feeling frustrated and a little like I am drowning. I am not sure what to do. Do I start looking out of my area and travel an hour to therapy a couple times a month? Do I just give up and start looking shit up on my own again and hoping I can find enough motivation to walk my way through the therapies that may help...

Ugh, I know it effects so many parts of my life, and I know I am just shoving shit down, and I know that means that eventually I blow and anyone in radius gets hit with PTSD shrapnel as it flies out of me in every direction... But I am feeling stuck.

[firegal]

This topic is too near and dear as 25 years ago today at work the "pang" fire
happened.Arson fire "A" platoon my platoon,4 seattle firefighters made the ultimate sacrifice.

In the next 2 weeks were 4 days for body recovery which was us and 5 memorials to honor those taken.

It changed all of our lives and careers.Part of the job I chose I never thought about..... cause and effect.

It took me years to accept the term PTSD.

It is real and it is here for many,my life is better due to my realization and acceptance of such.

[justkim]

Trauma humor... it's alive and well within these four walls.

[dark_crystal]

Originally Posted by JustLovelyJenn

I need to find a therapist. I know there is shit I am not dealing with and feel like I can't talk about. But, I have state insurance and I cant find a competent therapist in my area that takes my insurance. I am feeling frustrated and a little like I am drowning. I am not sure what to do. Do I start looking out of my area and travel an hour to therapy a couple times a month? Do I just give up and start looking shit up on my own again and hoping I can find enough motivation to walk my way through the therapies that may help...

Ugh, I know it effects so many parts of my life, and I know I am just shoving shit down, and I know that means that eventually I blow and anyone in radius gets hit with PTSD shrapnel as it flies out of me in every direction... But I am feeling stuck.

it is OUTRAGEOUSLY hard to find a therapist. I just had a 2nd session with my new one after being on wait lists all over town since October and i have "good" insurance.

My new therapist is literally an hour away from me AND the only appointment i could get lets out right at rush hour BUT she specializes in LGBT and ADHD.

I want to scream every time i see mental health PSAs that say stuff like "help is available if you only ask"

NO IT IS NOT

[JustLovelyJenn]

I am so not ok today. I just had to call 911 and have my child arrested and sent to juvie... she attacked me and threatened to hurt herself and others in my home because I told her I was taking away her tablet for non-compliant and disrespectful behavior. I had 5 officers in my home, she left in handcuffs. My arm is starting to bruise where she slammed it in her door. I was so hopeful that we wouldnt get to this place again... that her time in residential care would have given her the skills and the motivation to be at home and be in a positive and productive place with everyone in our family. Now, I dont know what to do. I dont want to do this all again. And I just cant stop crying.

[dark_crystal]

As long as you are holding space for her productive behavior to the same extent you are enforcing accountability for her dysfunctional behavior you are doing everything there is for you to do.

Hugs to you, i know it is hard

[dark_crystal]

My therapist is testing my IQ today. I'm nervous

[ZoeyJayne]

Originally Posted by JustLovelyJenn

I am so not ok today. I just had to call 911 and have my child arrested and sent to juvie... she attacked me and threatened to hurt herself and others in my home because I told her I was taking away her tablet for non-compliant and disrespectful behavior. I had 5 officers in my home, she left in handcuffs. My arm is starting to bruise where she slammed it in her door. I was so hopeful that we wouldnt get to this place again... that her time in residential care would have given her the skills and the motivation to be at home and be in a positive and productive place with everyone in our family. Now, I dont know what to do. I dont want to do this all again. And I just cant stop crying.

Jenn, You did exactly what you needed to do.. I dont know what is wrong wit your daughter so I cant speak as if I do.. But either way, if she is being violent and threatening to hurt herself and others , she needed to be sent out of the house..... I have worked in Human Services for years and this is what a therapist or clinician would advise you to do... The only thing that you can do is be there for your daughter, show support and love, ALOT of the people I have worked with never had anyone to show they cared or supported them... (((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))..I know its hard and heartbreaking to have to do that to your own child.. But you did what was in her best interest and what was in the best interest of the other people in your household... Hang in there Jenn... I know it feels like a losing battle

[JustLovelyJenn]

Originally Posted by ZoeyJayne

Jenn, You did exactly what you needed to do.. I dont know what is wrong wit your daughter so I cant speak as if I do.. But either way, if she is being violent and threatening to hurt herself and others , she needed to be sent out of the house..... I have worked in Human Services for years and this is what a therapist or clinician would advise you to do... The only thing that you can do is be there for your daughter, show support and love, ALOT of the people I have worked with never had anyone to show they cared or supported them... (((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))..I know its hard and heartbreaking to have to do that to your own child.. But you did what was in her best interest and what was in the best interest of the other people in your household... Hang in there Jenn... I know it feels like a losing battle

Thank you Zoey,

My daughter has autism, adhd, and disruptive mood disregulation disorder. This is not her first time attacking people in our home. The last time led to a 16 month stay in residential care. This is the first serious attack since she got home in June. Its having a huge impact. My oldest daughter is refuses to come out of her room unless absolutely necessary, tension between my parents (who live with me and I also take care of) is higher than ever, and haven't been able to function in my house since she left. I come straight into my room and have a panic attack every time I have to leave. I am looking for a new therapist for myself, working with my daughters mental health team to bring extra support in the house... but bringing her home this time was harder than ever. While she was in juvie she was angry and aggressive in every interaction we had, no matter who was present. And today when she spoke with the judge, she was very adamant that she feels she is not successful at home and would rather be placed in a long term facility. I am doing my best. But I am still not ok.

She spent 30 days in detention and was returned to my care today.