Poly Relationships

[hippieflowergirl]

Originally Posted by Linus

Interesting. I don't know that it's a new paradigm. I think perhaps it's not a common one that most people think of because often it's associated to Mormon et al. concept of marriage. And it breaks down the traditional view of marriage and/or commitment.

i think it's our north american eurocentrism that makes us believe poly relationships are "new". the majority do tend to think they've invented everything afterall. (unless they despise it of course)

[Write14u]

This is something I've been exploring/reading about for the past year or so. I'll tell you one thing, though. Mention it to some people and they just think you're effing nuts.
In the past year, I've learned that yep, you can deeply love more than one person at the same time, and oh yeah, if both those people want monogamy, you're, umm, just screwed.

I'm looking forward to reading more because I simply just haven't had that much exposure to people who actually are living life poly.

[Miss_J]

I have lived a poly life for the majority of my adult life and it can be an amazing situation when all the right personalities are connected and everyone is on board to making it work. But please don't think its a walk in the park at any point because it takes constant effort to keep on track and up to date with every emotion and fluxuation of emotion.
Envy and jealousy are the two hardest things to keep in check and some situations just become bogged down by those emotions its difficult for anyone to see whats truly going on.

[girl_dee]

Originally Posted by Miss_J

I have lived a poly life for the majority of my adult life and it can be an amazing situation when all the right personalities are connected and everyone is on board to making it work. But please don't think its a walk in the park at any point because it takes constant effort to keep on track and up to date with every emotion and fluxuation of emotion.
Envy and jealousy are the two hardest things to keep in check and some situations just become bogged down by those emotions its difficult for anyone to see whats truly going on.

AMEN............

[LoyalWolfsBlade]

I read the four threads in this area and I couldn't decided which one to put this is but in the long run decided to put it here. It is one of those thinking out loud posts so it is a little long...

I have been doing a lot of honest self-reflection about My life. Trying to examine all of it honestly and that includes My experience as a poly individual and the more recent attempts to be monogamous. I have been in poly relationships since the age of 18. My poly relationships have been along the lines of Dee's experience where W/we all lived under the same roof. Now mind you not all of them worked or was perfect but I did learn with each new experience what type of poly relationships I could and could not be in. I will also be honest that My longest relationship was a poly one, 18 years. Where there were time periods of being lucky enough to have another woman involved and periods of monogamy only because I had not brought someone into the relationship. My first two experiences with being poly involved bio-men but they never touched Me.
The first one was a nightmare beyond belief. However I think there was a few things playing into that for Me, one of which was that a biologically male was involved and the woman I was with did not know the meaning of honesty. I was also very very young 18 to be honest and the poly relationship was not entered into in a proper way, I know that now. It only lasted a year and then only because he was in the Navy and not home for 6 of those months. Keep in mind I was with this woman for about a year before I found out she was actually married to her husband…I told you she truly did not know the meaning of honesty. The second relationship also involved a married couple, male and female, that I lived with. I ended this one because the woman approached Me and said she wanted to leave her husband and was in love with Me. While I was flattered I was not about to be the reason their marriage ended and it was not what the three of us had agreed to at the start. During this time I was defiantly a Top, like being poly it was just in My blood, however I had not officially entered the life style and was not yet a Dom or a Daddy.
Now on the other hand My longest relationship did see the development of Me as Dom and O/our poly experiences only included femmes. L (My ex) was a boi and the only one I have been with so all the other women I brought into the relationship had their own place in the house and with the communication and following of rules and procedures that were put into place at the start of each one It was a very pleasurable experience and I am not referring to just the sex. If it was just about that I sure would not have taken the responsibility of having more than one in My house. I am of the belief not to have more people in My circle then I can at least take care of emotionally, preferably financially and spiritually as well. At the end of O/our relationship the closest I am came to poly was playing with her with the knowledge of anyone I was in the relationship with.
I have tried since then to be monogamous and while I was successful meaning I never cheated on them or left them for someone else I was never really satisfied or happy. Yet I kept trying because so many people told Me being poly was wrong on top of being a Dom was wrong and TG wrong. I really need to move out of the mid-west *laugh*. Then after L ended O/our 23 year friendship in July of this year My whole life changed in a way. Actually in a positive way making Me examine what has happened since 2004 and especially this year allowing Me to also reexamine the poly versus monogamous relationships. I think I could be happy in a mono relationship with the right woman but I feel a part of Me is missing that I am not being true to Myself about.

[girl_dee]

Originally Posted by AlixKnight4All

I read the four threads in this area and I couldn't decided which one to put this is but in the long run decided to put it here. It is one of those thinking out loud posts so it is a little long...

I have been doing a lot of honest self-reflection about My life. Trying to examine all of it honestly and that includes My experience as a poly individual and the more recent attempts to be monogamous. I have been in poly relationships since the age of 18. My poly relationships have been along the lines of Dee's experience where W/we all lived under the same roof. Now mind you not all of them worked or was perfect but I did learn with each new experience what type of poly relationships I could and could not be in. I will also be honest that My longest relationship was a poly one, 18 years. Where there were time periods of being lucky enough to have another woman involved and periods of monogamy only because I had not brought someone into the relationship. My first two experiences with being poly involved bio-men but they never touched Me.
The first one was a nightmare beyond belief. However I think there was a few things playing into that for Me, one of which was that a biologically male was involved and the woman I was with did not know the meaning of honesty. I was also very very young 18 to be honest and the poly relationship was not entered into in a proper way, I know that now. It only lasted a year and then only because he was in the Navy and not home for 6 of those months. Keep in mind I was with this woman for about a year before I found out she was actually married to her husband…I told you she truly did not know the meaning of honesty. The second relationship also involved a married couple, male and female, that I lived with. I ended this one because the woman approached Me and said she wanted to leave her husband and was in love with Me. While I was flattered I was not about to be the reason their marriage ended and it was not what the three of us had agreed to at the start. During this time I was defiantly a Top, like being poly it was just in My blood, however I had not officially entered the life style and was not yet a Dom or a Daddy.
Now on the other hand My longest relationship did see the development of Me as Dom and O/our poly experiences only included femmes. L (My ex) was a boi and the only one I have been with so all the other women I brought into the relationship had their own place in the house and with the communication and following of rules and procedures that were put into place at the start of each one It was a very pleasurable experience and I am not referring to just the sex. If it was just about that I sure would not have taken the responsibility of having more than one in My house. I am of the belief not to have more people in My circle then I can at least take care of emotionally, preferably financially and spiritually as well. At the end of O/our relationship the closest I am came to poly was playing with her with the knowledge of anyone I was in the relationship with.
I have tried since then to be monogamous and while I was successful meaning I never cheated on them or left them for someone else I was never really satisfied or happy. Yet I kept trying because so many people told Me being poly was wrong on top of being a Dom was wrong and TG wrong. I really need to move out of the mid-west *laugh*. Then after L ended O/our 23 year friendship in July of this year My whole life changed in a way. Actually in a positive way making Me examine what has happened since 2004 and especially this year allowing Me to also reexamine the poly versus monogamous relationships. I think I could be happy in a mono relationship with the right woman but I feel a part of Me is missing that I am not being true to Myself about.

Honesty, if there is ONE iota of dishonesty it all comes out and tears down the foundation. Tiny bits of manipulation (even if not intentional) also tears down the foundation. Syr does NOT do well with even the smallest amount of dishonesty, manipulation or secrets.

Monogamy sounds like a nice break after all you have been through. Hell being single sounds like a nice break too, sorry you've been through so much. This life can certainly take a toll on a person if things are not as they should be.

i don't feel that it is the Dominants responsibility to take care of others' emotional, spiritual and sometimes financial well being. i do feel it's the role of the Dominant to guide us in those things, help us make decisions so that we are self sufficient. We all have a role here around here, Syr is at the helm and certainly does her share of care for all us, which is appreciated greatly. The boi and Syr go back a long time, like 20 years and without that kinship the boi would not be where she is today as Syr has paved the way for her to have the life she has today. Without Syr i would not be here. Even with all of that i don't feel it's her job to do so, but she still does it willingly.

Our job is to try to maintain peace and harmony, and i fail at this sometimes. Syr has her hands full and i never want to add to that.

[LoyalWolfsBlade]

Originally Posted by Cajun_dee

Honesty, if there is ONE iota of dishonesty it all comes out and tears down the foundation. Tiny bits of manipulation (even if not intentional) also tears down the foundation. Syr does NOT do well with even the smallest amount of dishonesty, manipulation or secrets.

Monogamy sounds like a nice break after all you have been through. Hell being single sounds like a nice break too, sorry you've been through so much. This life can certainly take a toll on a person if things are not as they should be.

i don't feel that it is the Dominants responsibility to take care of others' emotional, spiritual and sometimes financial well being. i do feel it's the role of the Dominant to guide us in those things, help us make decisions so that we are self sufficient. We all have a role here around here, Syr is at the helm and certainly does her share of care for all us, which is appreciated greatly. The boi and Syr go back a long time, like 20 years and without that kinship the boi would not be where she is today as Syr has paved the way for her to have the life she has today. Without Syr i would not be here. Even with all of that i don't feel it's her job to do so, but she still does it willingly.

Our job is to try to maintain peace and harmony, and i fail at this sometimes. Syr has her hands full and i never want to add to that.

I agree completely on how dishonesty, manipulation, and secrets tear down the foundation of any relationship but especially a poly relationship. Even if all members do not live under the same roof those three things have to be in place in My opinion.

I am of the belief of 100% honesty from E/everyone (including Myself) 100% of the time. It is an automatic deal breaker for Me whether starting a new relationship (mono or poly), continuing a current relationship, or bringing someone else into the relationship. As for manipulation I think when that occurs it can fall into the jealous and insecurity the girl/boi is feeling. I think it was you Dee that said jealous is about feeling like someone is getting something from Syr/Sir that you want (forgive Me if that is a misquote). I agree with that 100% as well and I believe that is eliminated when there is open communication with A/all members of the family or relationship. I am capable of loving more then one person at the time and it is not always a sexual relationship but it is intimate if that makes sense.

Actually at first monogamy was a nice break. It gave Me time to concentrate on making Me a better person and it was during a monogamous relationship that I discovered the Daddy I am, quit by accident, and I would not trade that experience for anything but that is another thread. However, being in a monogamous relationship started feeling wrong for Me, like I was being dishonest to Myself by denying who I am. So I did take a break from all relationships and was single for about two years now. Now I am open and ready for a new relationship and I am not putting a limit on whether it will be poly or mono. It will however be true to who I am and 100% honest.

To clarify My belief that I am not with more people then I can emotionally, spiritually, financially take care of I meant in a similar way as your Syr. I think it is My responsibility to always be fair with the people in My relationships and they enhance Me and any others as well. It does Me no good or the others in the relationship any good if I spread Myself to thin, have to many subs,girls, or bois in the relationship. To much of a chance for jealousy and reduces My ability to guide them and be there for them when they need Me in some way. E/everyone has their role and if it is working right E/everyone benefits each other, especially if W/we are under the same roof. I really do not know what type of relationship My journey will lead Me to a poly or mono I just know I am finally ready for a r/l relationship again.

Thank you for responding and sharing your experience Dee.

[Ms. Meander]

Is anyone interested in picking up the discussion? I have been making some changes in how I approach intimate relationships and dating, and feel I could use some support and/or just a place to talk it out.

After some unsuccessful poly dabbling in my youth I gave it up for years of serial monogamy. The draw toward polyamory has never left me, though. And as I get older and grow wiser in so many other areas of my life, it seems more and more possible, no - necessary, for me to explore further. I feel entirely confident of my own ability to handle it well. I have a lot of self awareness, good communication skills, the ability to self-care, and I play well with others.

One thing is for certain: that I will be very selective about who I decide to become involved with. I need to be certain that others are meeting me on the same level, that we truly have something healthy to offer each other. I have lived and grown through too much bullshit to allow myself to get sucked into anyone else's emotional immaturity.

All of that said --- the adventure has already begun as I have recently begun to date someone who has a full poly lifestyle, with a primary, secondary, and play partners. It remains to be seen where I will fit in, if anywhere, but right now I am really enjoying her company and the overall experience. I am having my first opportunities to experience myself in relation to sharing and division of time. So far, it feels pretty good. I personally require so much time to myself that it is a relief not to feel pressured to be available all the time. And I know when I do see her I will cherish it all the more for the effort made to carve out special time just for us.

So, I think I've made a good start! I welcome any input.

[JustLovelyJenn]

I'm here, but I am going to watch for a while... support is always something I can do with more of...

[Ms. Meander]

I came here yesterday morning and started to write a post about some of the unpleasant and defensive reactions I'm getting from people as I'm coming out as poly. But then I was called away and never made it back.

Later in the day I had a surprising experience that counterbalanced some of the above negativity. I visited with a friend who is dear to me because she has an open and loving heart. However, our differences are vast. She is older than me, straight, kind of sheltered in her thinking and experiences, definitely vanilla. When she asked about my love life I decided to just spill it all, fully expecting judgement and lack of understanding. But that's not what I got. She was genuinely intrigued. Having unsuccessfully dabbled in poly in her own youth, she has always wondered if there was a way to do it better. And now, she is feeling like she may like to explore it again but had no idea where to start or who she could talk to about it without feeling judged. We talked for hours. It was great for both of us. She got to open her horizons, receive new information, and walked away with resources she could only dream of before. I got to be heard, understood, respected. And I discovered that I'm much more knowledgeable than I give myself credit for.

Because there is some crossover for me, and in some of the resources I directed her to, we broached the topic of BDSM. Now this is something waaaaaayyyyy outside her understanding and comfort zone. Just think about all of the stigmas and judgements of mainstream, vanilla society - that's what she had to work with on the topic. But because she knows me as a kind, loving, and evolved soul it opened her eyes to the possibilities because she could never believe that I would be involved with anything evil or destructive. We talked for hours and it was amazing.

The main take-away for me is the benefit of living openly and honestly. I am learning, as with in other areas of my life also, the more open I am, the more open others are with me. When I speak truth, some people can't wait to speak it back. Yes, there will always be naysayers and those who think I am just plain nuts but the honest connections I'm making with some far outweighs the negative.

[Ms. Meander]

I am curious to hear other people's points of view about kissing on the mouth in regards to polyamorous relationships. For some it is a safer sex issue, for others it is an intimacy issue, and for still others it seems to be no issue at all.

Under what circumstances is it okay or not okay for you and your partners, and why?

[Sachita]

Originally Posted by Ms. Meander

I am curious to hear other people's points of view about kissing on the mouth in regards to polyamorous relationships. For some it is a safer sex issue, for others it is an intimacy issue, and for still others it seems to be no issue at all.

Under what circumstances is it okay or not okay for you and your partners, and why?

I don't kiss on the mouth anyone but my primary lover. Kissing is a very intimate and sacred act for me. But I am told when I get drunk I want to kiss everyone! lol I don't get drunk that often and certainly not around a lot of people I think I might want to kiss!

[Sachita]

But I do think that if there are a few in a committed relationship that kissing would be ok. I know there are poly relationships where there is emotions but rules on physical, sexual contact. If I had a few slaves, which is the only way I'd be interested in poly, they would belong to me and have to keep to my rules. This would also mean when it came to any level of intimacy.

Ms Meander I can feel the excitement in your sexual liberation and I'm excited for you. I know how hard it is when your friends and family want to judge you or they don't understand why you want certain things. I would say the best solution is happiness and to live by example. When people see that you are happy they suddenly don't care. If anything they become curious.

[SFvince64]

Originally Posted by Ms. Meander

I am curious to hear other people's points of view about kissing on the mouth in regards to polyamorous relationships. For some it is a safer sex issue, for others it is an intimacy issue, and for still others it seems to be no issue at all.

Under what circumstances is it okay or not okay for you and your partners, and why?

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

I've been in poly relationships in the past but I find that dynamic doesn't work too well for me. As a Daddy & Dominant, I prefer to be a priority and not an option.

When in a D/s relationship, my girl & I don't kiss others outside of our connection. It's intimate and special to me and not something I want to share outside of my romantic commitment.

However, when I'm single and playing with someone particularly hot who is likewise, unattached, I may ask for permission to kiss. I'm a good kisser and enjoy kissing, so sometimes it is an option when negotiating play with someone else who is single. I, of course, respect their boundaries and don't feel upset or slighted if no kissing is allowed.

[casey35]

I have to admit i have flirted with poly and it seems to work well for those who can share. As I get older I want to find an equal balance and if that can happen with more then one that be nice and if not so be it.

[WickedFemme]

subscribing

[Dragonfly]

I was out (partially since I was not out to all my family) since I was 17, Id'ing as a bisexual while I was figuring it all out. I was in committed and open relationships from high school until 2006. thats 20 years or so. I would not have a secondary relationship with someone if my primary partner was not ok with it, but my two husbands were both supportive of my exploring my feelings for women. It began as a third party joining in, But from age 19 on, I did not have sexual intimacy with both of my partners at the same time. I was developing emotional ties that were new and I was leaning towards my female relationships. The relationships I developed with my girlfriends were completely separate from my marriage.

I didn't always have the type of partner to have full trust and honesty. My first husband was a nightmare long story. I would not consider a poly relationship with just anyone. I would be more selective and careful before becoming involved in one again because of knowing the reality of both sides. I have had monogamy that was completely fulfilling but I am not opposed or closed to the option of a poly relationship because of that. And vice versa.

My last relationship was off and on, but when 'on' we were monogamous as she claimed was her preference... turned out she would see other people secretly while she would have me committed to only her. I can say having that total trust and open honesty bond from my last poly relationship sounded durn good about the time I learned that lesson.... so put more simply, I gage that choice, poly or monogamy based SOLEY on the individual/s I am involved with.... and it is a process of developing that trust, I dont just jump right in from day one with that decision.

[femmebaker]

It's nice to see a (semi) active poly thread. My husband and I are exploring that right now.

I definitely think communication is key, along with a willingness to deal with the inevitable uncomfortable feelings of jealousy. At least on a theoretical level, the idea of more love, more intimacy, more sex is very appealing.

What I'm encountering, however, is a general lack of butches who are interested in it. Are there really butches out there who would date a happily married femme?

[Linus]

Originally Posted by femmebaker

It's nice to see a (semi) active poly thread. My husband and I are exploring that right now.

I definitely think communication is key, along with a willingness to deal with the inevitable uncomfortable feelings of jealousy. At least on a theoretical level, the idea of more love, more intimacy, more sex is very appealing.

What I'm encountering, however, is a general lack of butches who are interested in it. Are there really butches out there who would date a happily married femme?

As with any relationship, it's a matter of finding the right person. I know of a few out there who would probably be ok with it depending upon how their relationship would be with your husband, etc. So I do think it's a matter of patience and just looking..

[femmebaker]

Originally Posted by Linus

As with any relationship, it's a matter of finding the right person. I know of a few out there who would probably be ok with it depending upon how their relationship would be with your husband, etc. So I do think it's a matter of patience and just looking..

Yes, the proverbial needle in the haystack. So, how about you, Linus? Are you practicing poly or do you remain in the curios onlooker category? What would your criteria be if you were to be someone's "second" relationship? (I hate the term "secondary.") Would you want to be buddies or remain respectably detached from the husband? Do you have theories/best practices?