Getting Rid of Flippant Language : Check Yourselves Here

[Arwen]

Wicket said:
A reference was made that some people just seem to be offended by everything. I don't believe it is my right to determine what someone finds offensive or not. In the case of offensive statements I don't believe the person expressing being offended should be questioned. Words do hurt, and part of developing and maintaining a safe place where all have a voice is refraining from making statements that you know will be offensive.


I woke up thinking about this statement. I wanted to address one piece of this or rather one important person in that scenario above.

The person who is offended needs to have the courage to say something to the person who said the offending term. As has been pointed out by many of us, we do not always know when a word is offensive. So being told in a frank and gentle way is important.

I do have to tell you that the co-worker I said something about the word retarded said something to another co=worker who used the term later that day. I don't know what was said because i was in the middle of helping a customer, but I did hear the 2nd person say "retarded."

Now, the other co-worker may have said "That's not a nice thing and here's why" or more likely he said, "Don't say that where she can hear you." Either way is fine as long as they learn to eliminate that word within my hearing.

Who knows...maybe they will realize why it is wrong to equate the word retard with lazy and stupid.

I can hope. I can also hope that when someone tells me a word offends them or something I've done offends them that I can think and act instead of kneejerk and react. That's not a pretty sight when I do that.

[julieisafemme]

Ok this is a very personal pet peeve of mine about language and popular use of it. I hear lots of times people say "oh I am so OCD" about this or that. It bugs me for a few reasons. The first is the correct way to say it is "I am so OC" obsessive compulsive, not I am so obsessive compulsive disorder. The other reason is that I have OCD and have lived with it for most of my life. It is a lot more than cleaning. The pain that is associated with the compulsions (cleaning, hand washing, counting) is terrible. The obsessions that cause the compulsions are exhausting. I am mentally ill or crazy. I am reclaiming those words and often use the c word to describe myself (crazy). Having any kind of mental illness it stigmatizing. When I hear someone joking about being a fanatic housekeeper and equating that with OCD it makes me feel invisible.

[Arwen]

Originally Posted by julieisafemme

Ok this is a very personal pet peeve of mine about language and popular use of it. I hear lots of times people say "oh I am so OCD" about this or that. It bugs me for a few reasons. The first is the correct way to say it is "I am so OC" obsessive compulsive, not I am so obsessive compulsive disorder. The other reason is that I have OCD and have lived with it for most of my life. It is a lot more than cleaning. The pain that is associated with the compulsions (cleaning, hand washing, counting) is terrible. The obsessions that cause the compulsions are exhausting. I am mentally ill or crazy. I am reclaiming those words and often use the c word to describe myself (crazy). Having any kind of mental illness it stigmatizing. When I hear someone joking about being a fanatic housekeeper and equating that with OCD it makes me feel invisible.

Thank you for saying this. This is a term I actually use more than necessary. I use it in a joking way a lot. I will work on remembering that this is not a toss-away word but a very real affliction for some people in this world.

So thanks for taking the time and having the courage to put that out there, Julie.

[Andrew, Jr.]

I struggle all the time with oral communication. It takes me alot of courage to post online here. What I say and what I mean sometimes comes out wrong, or what I mean is read differently by others, and they get so angry. It boggles my mind because I really am lost on what is so upsetting. And I can pretty much guarantee that I don't mean any harm by what I am saying. I just struggle with the words & reading comprehension. Dyslexia does that to me.

That is what my real life is like. That is why I got and still get called retard. I hate some words like stupid, lazy, and retard. I also hate confrontation. It just is that people don't understand me. I feel so isolated sometimes. And sometimes I just stop trying. It is one thing to be forgiving. It is another to really understand.

I hope this makes sense.

Andrew

[Dragonfly]

As human beings, no one can be perfect. Things get said and misunderstood. IMHO it is the reaction given to those mistakes. By others who hear/ read the mistakes and also by the person saying it to begin with. It isnt censorship to express your thoughts and opinions with consideration for other's feelings. It isn't about political correct to express offense to things and explain why. What causes a breakdown in communication, feeling welcome or safe to post, and comfortable to be valued for your opinion is the Over-reactions to it. There is a good way to handle bad feelings I think....

Andrew: I hope more tolerance and understanding (with loving compassion) flows your way than the name calling... and I wish for you to find a way to allow the positive people to out shine the negative when you look around you....

[SuperFemme]

I have no impulse control and absolutely NO FILTER.
This happened with my head bump, and I have struggled to finesse the lack of impulse and the lack of filter to make myself fit for human consumption.
Still, it is up to me. The world need not bend around my brain injury, my brain injury must in fact bend around the world.

I like cheese. I love Ponies. I get called names and it makes me laugh. In my head I am thinking "Oh honey, you have no idea".

[WolfyOne]

Originally Posted by SuperFemme

I have no impulse control and absolutely NO FILTER.
This happened with my head bump, and I have struggled to finesse the lack of impulse and the lack of filter to make myself fit for human consumption.
Still, it is up to me. The world need not bend around my brain injury, my brain injury must in fact bend around the world.

I like cheese. I love Ponies. I get called names and it makes me laugh. In my head I am thinking "Oh honey, you have no idea".

Reading what you wrote(in red) made me remember something I read painted on a wall. It said, if it is to be, it is up to me. If we let every little thing that is written or said bother us, we'd walk around angry all the time. Laughter is good for the soul, so lets laugh as you do when someone wants to provoke us.

Oh and I'd call you a name right now, but I can't think of any good ones. So, if it's all the same to you, I'll just call you Adele.

[Random]

I struggle with this issue..

It feels like such a slippery slope to me...


On one hand I think that we as a society can become too *polite* too careful.. We want to make sure that no one is offended...

But someone is going to be offended by something.. Period..

Where does it end?

Art?
Film?
Music?
Books?

People have both fought for and against the right to censor these things..

Shouldn't it be up to each indivdual to decide (i hate that word, I have to type it three times EVERY TIME to get it right) what is right for them...

But on the other hand... Words have power.. to lift up and to tear down..

I think for me... Anytime ANY word is used in a negitive way.. then I hate it being used that way... and of course I express that feeling.. rather strongly...

There is a book... For some reason it came into my mind while I was reading this thread...

I can't remember the name of it.. It's about a society that frowns on strong emotions, strong colors, over dramatic use of language.. Everything is for the good of the community... Everyone has classes.. when you get to a certain age, then you do a certain thing.. The main charater is a boy who is going to become the keeper of memories and feelings.. He will hold all the stronger emotions for the comunity.. So they can be pure...

They say that they love, but they really don't know what love is, they say anger, but they don't know what it is...

They have traded the *flavor/passion* of life for safety and the well being of the community.. If a baby won't sleep through the night, then it's put to sleep.. If someone threatens the peacefulness of the comunity then they are given the needle..

For a book that made such an inpression on me,I can't ever remember it's freaking name!!!!!

For me.. self expression is the greatest freedom there is.. But that is a two sided coin.. If I want the right to express myself, then I have to expect that right for everyone else..

*shrug* For me.. there is no answer.. I try to be mindful of other people.. as I want them to be mindful of me... but I also have no intention of being so worried about my words, that I silence myself..000

[WILDCAT]

Originally Posted by SuperFemme

I have no impulse control and absolutely NO FILTER.
This happened with my head bump, and I have struggled to finesse the lack of impulse and the lack of filter to make myself fit for human consumption.
Still, it is up to me. The world need not bend around my brain injury, my brain injury must in fact bend around the world.

I like cheese. I love Ponies. I get called names and it makes me laugh. In my head I am thinking "Oh honey, you have no idea".

Well, I like people who "like cheese". I love people who LOVE PONIES! And I adore folks with a wonderful sense of humor - and you have one brilliant, beautiful mind! So, BIG HUGE HUGS to you Sister Mountain!!

So, julieisafemme - about that OCD thing. Yes, just not using the acronym phrasing correctly could/would be a trigger! I do make reference to my "OCD stuff" quite a bit. And I think it's GOOD that you use the word crazy and "reclaim" that word for yourself. I do as well.

I feel "compulsive" to explain to folks why I straighten up their rugs if they are crooked when I walk into their homes, or rearrange the kitchen chairs all perfectly around the table, etc... I usually let them know their picture on a wall is not square - and ask them if they want me to straighten that up. (I have a really good eye for that!) I guess in the clear case of art, they may have wanted it off kilter and I respect that more. Biased I know. They might need their chairs at "their own" angles artistically too!

I could go on and on. I've gotten pretty good with nonchalantly doing these things. HERE, in my place, I am on the wrong end of [my] OCD and it scares me some. I do feel overwhemled at times. (And no, I don't do this rearranging to strangers in their homes, but to family and friends who know this about me!)

However, I am sure I've said this "ODC phrase" incorrectly too at times. But, I want folks to know what I am referring to. But, to not understand how comsuming and tiring this all is and throw it out there simply as a joke... I'm really glad you spoke up here about it. Thank you.

Actually, in fact, this reminds me of one of my troublesome things here in large community writing. For example, I know "alot" is not one word. When folks say they HATE seeing that or it "drives them nuts", I've had to be really thoughtful then. Now, is it their own OCD talking? Or, just bitching for fun and fluff. I'll tell you how I take it (like a thread about hating people's improper grammar, typo's, etc... "DUMBING DOWN", that is a good one)... It feels so incredibly judgmental to me. To not consider that someone might be head injured, have a different level of education, not speak English as their primary language, have developmental disorders, or birth defects, on and on, etc... To me, actually, "a LOT", is a parcel of land, with a very specific dimension footage-wise. (My humor, I know it has more than one meaning.) So, forgive me when I do that, and I hope it doesn't ruin anyone's day. And yes, once I believe I DID write "irregardless", so shoot me. I may have had a migraine that day. But, the main point is, this is hurtful to many I think for all of these reasons I mentioned above and keeps folks from writing and creates fear for being a part of our experience here - for these "tearing apart" concepts of nit-picking. Not that anyone can't do a thread like that here. That's fine. I'm saying how it could possibly make folks feel, for everyone has imperfections for reasons we do not always know about. And last I read here, we didn't have to have a doctorate in writing/literature to belong and participate.

And yes, I was raised by my mother to stick up for the "underdogs".

My exception for the "dumbing down" sentiment would be when folks are writing hating things and not backing them up. Even when asked and asked about where they got their facts, etc... they can't or won't do it. I do not mind folks being questioned or challenged with that AT ALL.

Last thing now I must say. I will always use the word gypsy and refer to myself as such. It is a proud part of my history. I disagree that it is a negative word. My girlfriend from Romania and I have discussed this at great length. It IS often used as a racist word there - it is one of the most horrible words you could be called in the street or referred to! That is their own discimination, there. Like we have some here. To the gypsies THERE, it is horrible for them. They get profiled, not unlike some culture or racial groups do here. (You can figure them out, but I will say our best example: Queer = pedophile.)

Not debating you Arwen and I see how hard you are trying - and completely respect that. I just don't want folks to think I am being racist using that word... for to me it is a wonderful, beautiful word - in fact, brave way of being or walking through life.

YEARS back here, folks were biased against bands of gypsies too! If you didn't work in a factory or job that you absolutely hated, in order to "be seen as responsible", for 50+ years you were heavily criticized. Now, we know that some folks need and must change their careers several times - or their location in living. (And of course you do what you have to when the kids need food. Work-wise, not holding up an elderly lady on the street or robbing a liquor store!)

Some folks are nomads in spirit, or it is tradition. Not all boxcar jumpers were/are alcoholics either. Some cross country hikers and bikers are not aimless drifters. Not all homeless folks are "bums, drunks, illiterate". In fact some homeless folks I knew in N.Y.C. had IQ's so HIGH, it was stunning. Some of them had been professors at one time, etc... They just had to "leave society", as they could not or would not be part of what was "expected". What is "normal" anyway? (I realize this is not across the board for ALL people, some DO have addictions, some DID LOSE their jobs, some ARE mentally ill, etc.. that is not my point here. I'm talking about the exceptions, the ones who are world travelers, who need and require complete freedom in a way that most of us cannot understand, to go into the wild to be alone, for example... to find their most creative selves perhaps.) I don't feel like judging someone who is different than me. If someone knows how to forage for food, and cooks dandelions for lunch, or has a complete and thorough knowledge of medicinal herbs - then power to 'em, I'm happy for their chosen independence from the "expected norms" in society.

Anyway, I am proud of my gypsy spirit and love that part of me. The ONLY thing I don't like about it, is that my spirit has been trapped here for awhile. I've had some difficult circumstances the past few years. That hurts me more than anyone could imagine, and everyone who knows me then as well - is affected by this.

Thanks for allowing me to share these things. I feel better, don't you?!

Sincerely,
WILDCAT

*About the PC commenting. We are all so different. Again, we know what is insulting, usually. And good point about knowing the difference between being considerate and completely ignorant and hurtful. I don't care if someone uses words in understanding between theirselves - even here, (that I might not use here, but with friends in private - yes). If you call someone a "crazy bitch", you probaby should be friends though, and understand it is with love and humor or expect a direct confrontation - and if someone does NOT "know" that (about who are friends and whatnot), they might also question it, politely, of course.