Open Letter: Dear Femme

Bit · 12-21-2009, 11:10 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gemme

Good points.

Oh, and the Mirror thread was Arwen's idea but I consider it a thread for all of us.

No ducking out on the compliment, love.

You are the one who followed through and started it. Tis your gift to the rest of us--even if you benefit from it, tis still your gift to us.

Gemme · 12-21-2009, 06:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bit

No ducking out on the compliment, love.

You are the one who followed through and started it. Tis your gift to the rest of us--even if you benefit from it, tis still your gift to us.

Gemme · 12-21-2009, 06:59 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by hippieflowergirl

i'm in high dudgeon at the mo' so excuse me. the fact that any of you amazing women has been shoved into the "less than" dressing room to find some culturally artificial (and not even decently tailored in order to actually be personal) shame to wear is pissing me off!

Gemmie-poo...like Medusa, Arwen, Diva and Bit...to me you're already so damn beautiful in words...i'm afraid of having to wear sunglasses in order to merely hang out with you. so let's drag that freakin' mirror down here to eye level. i'll get the step stool, you find the dust rag and we'll just haul it down and see what's so darn scary.

and for that reason, if no other, we should all be writing fairy tales that include the plain/ugly/nerdy/genderqueer/fat/or whatever sister kicking ass, taking names, falling in love only if she damn well feels like it, and living happily ever after.

just sayin'

No sunglasses required!

I've done some work on myself, so I'm at the point where I'm less adament in my defense of how horrid I am (usually) but it's more of an "Eh.." thing for me. People see the good things about me and are able to downplay or see past the less than brilliant things about me. Me? I see it all. Maybe because I live with it 24/7 and I tend to continually focus in on my problem areas (physically as well as emotionally and psychologically) so that the molehill becomes a mountain. But even the good things that I can recognize are like, "Well, I can write okay. I'm an okay person, morally 'n all."

I need to find a way to get excited about myself...about being ME. I'm sure it's in me somewhere. I just have to find that cheerleader part of me for myself. I think threads like this one and the Mirrors thread are helping me to maybe be able to do that in the future.

Puplove · 12-21-2009, 08:39 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Medusa

The moral of the story is that my Princess often felt like "everyone who isnt me".

I could have had a very nice after school special about "tricking" everyone into thinking I was skinny and arriving with my fat self and people falling in love with me anyway. It didnt happen because I made no room for anyone to love me. (and dont get me wrong, I wasnt responsible for the gross behavior or judgment coming from other folks). But I walked into that party *expecting* to not be good enough. Because it was what I knew. It was what was comfortable for me. It was what fit my history.

Jee-ZUS, Medusa, I hope that, since then, you have come to KNOW that when you walk into a room being who you are, people fall in love with you right and left - your smile, laugh, voice, serious no-bullshit talk, all-round presence, what you say, the vibes you put off, the shiny happy feelings and amazing energy you bring into a room. Not to mention the flawless makeup and hair and amazing outfits (but those are secondary to the feel and the WHO you are).

Size of body has nothing to do with it. Size of character and amazing powerful positive presence has everything to do with it. I harbor a secret case of Medusa envy, even though I really do like myself and feel lucky that I think my own presence fits me peachy keen.

Okay, back to today's topic...someday I will actually keep current on threads...

labete · 01-05-2010, 10:04 PM

I just want to say thank you to every one of you amazing contributors to this thread. There's so much substance here to take in, process, respond to.

I, too, have felt that there was a femme hierarchy and that "high femmes" (I really don't like that expression. I have heard the "low femme" term, applied by others and as self-labeling, but never in a flattering way.) were on top and I was somewhere much closer to the bottom. My reinforcement for that idea has mostly been from butches, but I've moved on. I decided part of the point (for me) of having the "queer" be part of my identity was what it implied to me about getting to make my own rules. I may or may not be anyone else's idea of what femme ought to be, but I am damn good at being me.

For me, femme is my gender identity, although that is big enough to encompass "woman" and "girl" and "female" as well. You can't take my femme away from me, regardless of what I wear or what I'm doing at any given time. I've been known to wear skirts, dresses, heels, but it's a form of drag for me. I mostly live in jeans or other casual pants (not athletic gear outside unless I am engaging in athletic activity or my house is burning down) and low-heeled boots, mules, sandals. I find that I get more external reinforcement for wearing the feminine drag, from strangers as well as friends and lovers. I've witnessed straight women being rewarded or punished socially for the way they choose to perform femininity as well. I've never considered only dressing up to go to a bar if I was partnered, though, nor do I know that anyone has considered me competition since tenth grade or so.

It saddens me that so many of us have been the victims of vicious femme sisters insecure in themselves and needing to cut us down to make themselves feel superior. I only know of three times in my life that I've been specifically targeted for ugly gossip, once by my (family of origin) sister and twice by masculine queers, and those were rough enough and femmes did participate in the feeding frenzy. If anyone still believes that I hoard man-jocks or am a coke fiend, well, I don't know what to tell you. PM me the juicy bits.

Seriously, though, I avoid those I find to be gossips (in offline life), because I don't like to be around that energy. I find it ugly and draining.

blush · 01-05-2010, 11:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by labete

It saddens me that so many of us have been the victims of vicious femme sisters insecure in themselves and needing to cut us down to make themselves feel superior. I only know of three times in my life that I've been specifically targeted for ugly gossip, once by my (family of origin) sister and twice by masculine queers, and those were rough enough and femmes did participate in the feeding frenzy. If anyone still believes that I hoard man-jocks or am a coke fiend, well, I don't know what to tell you. PM me the juicy bits.

Seriously, though, I avoid those I find to be gossips (in offline life), because I don't like to be around that energy. I find it ugly and draining.

Well said, labete. I was thinking as I was reading your post that for every horror story (and I've got them too) about femme "friends," I have 10 kumbaya stories about femme friends.

Truth is, other femmes just "get it" in a way that no one else does. Other femmes get the fierceness, the invisibility, the "am I femme enough," and the endurance tests of our loves.

Arwen · 01-06-2010, 09:29 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by blush

Well said, labete. I was thinking as I was reading your post that for every horror story (and I've got them too) about femme "friends," I have 10 kumbaya stories about femme friends.

Truth is, other femmes just "get it" in a way that no one else does. Other femmes get the fierceness, the invisibility, the "am I femme enough," and the endurance tests of our loves.

Labete did make a good point and I think you have really done so as well, Blush.

One thing that stands out for me here is that I know I fixate on the bad examples. I lock them into my mind as mirrors for myself to avoid at all costs.

I won't be like X. I'll never treat my lover the way X treats her. Etc.

Wouldn't it be lovely if I could instead use the mirrors of those femmes that I admire?

Then I could look within and say that in this situation, I will be more like Pup. And in this other one, I will don my Blush armor. Or I will use the voice of Medusa and the passion of Gemme. Or that I will love my partner like e.

A much nicer way of living I think. It is better to have role models than avoidance techniques.

I think I will try ...no not try, right Yoda? I think I will take this on as part of my own interior landscaping. Thanks. You truly made a difference in my life.

And thank you to LaBete for waking this thread up. I learn something from every post here..

01-05-2010, 10:04 PM	#5
labete Member How Do You Identify?: queer femme Preferred Pronoun?: she Relationship Status: preoccupied Join Date: Jan 2010 Location: a funny little world Posts: 100 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 71 Thanked 113 Times in 51 Posts Rep Power: 18	I just want to say thank you to every one of you amazing contributors to this thread. There's so much substance here to take in, process, respond to. I, too, have felt that there was a femme hierarchy and that "high femmes" (I really don't like that expression. I have heard the "low femme" term, applied by others and as self-labeling, but never in a flattering way.) were on top and I was somewhere much closer to the bottom. My reinforcement for that idea has mostly been from butches, but I've moved on. I decided part of the point (for me) of having the "queer" be part of my identity was what it implied to me about getting to make my own rules. I may or may not be anyone else's idea of what femme ought to be, but I am damn good at being me. For me, femme is my gender identity, although that is big enough to encompass "woman" and "girl" and "female" as well. You can't take my femme away from me, regardless of what I wear or what I'm doing at any given time. I've been known to wear skirts, dresses, heels, but it's a form of drag for me. I mostly live in jeans or other casual pants (not athletic gear outside unless I am engaging in athletic activity or my house is burning down) and low-heeled boots, mules, sandals. I find that I get more external reinforcement for wearing the feminine drag, from strangers as well as friends and lovers. I've witnessed straight women being rewarded or punished socially for the way they choose to perform femininity as well. I've never considered only dressing up to go to a bar if I was partnered, though, nor do I know that anyone has considered me competition since tenth grade or so. It saddens me that so many of us have been the victims of vicious femme sisters insecure in themselves and needing to cut us down to make themselves feel superior. I only know of three times in my life that I've been specifically targeted for ugly gossip, once by my (family of origin) sister and twice by masculine queers, and those were rough enough and femmes did participate in the feeding frenzy. If anyone still believes that I hoard man-jocks or am a coke fiend, well, I don't know what to tell you. PM me the juicy bits. Seriously, though, I avoid those I find to be gossips (in offline life), because I don't like to be around that energy. I find it ugly and draining. __________________ http://images2.cafemom.com/images/us...788795_med.jpg Come snark with me.