Communication 101: The Good, The Bad, The Ugly

[Toughy]

Very interesting website with info on ways to better communicate.........I did one of their study groups and it was really good and fit nicely with cognitive behavior therapy.

http://www.cnvc.org/

[katsarecool]

Frankie, my cat is a very passive-aggressive communicator! I am serious! The little stinker... for example when walking to anywhere from my bedroom if his bowl is empty he will flop down right in front of my feet and refuse to budge unless I head to the kitchen. That can be dangerous for a black cat at night with a mom who has balance and walking problems.

I think in order to have a good relationship (with anyone people and pets) passive-aggression should be avoided at all costs.

[waxnrope]

I appreciate the discussion on communication. Mostly, I appreciate the recognition that there are multiple styles. And, the unfortunate reality that not one style is suitable for every person.

Where I think that we need to exercise caution is in the manner in which we throw out the term "passive aggressive." This is a psychiatric term relating to a personality disorder. It has ranking within the DSM (currently IV) scales. What this means, like the past use of calling one's neighbor schizophrenic without having fully understood the dimensions of the disorder, calling people passive aggressive without having the tools (or the credentials), the objective observations can just serve to belittle behavior which one disagrees. I think we should be careful here.
For anyone with interest, the following link provides the criteria for the DIAGNOSIS of this disorder. Just reading it does not give the right to sling it around at random. There are nuances ..

http://www.ptypes.com/passive-aggpd.html

Just my $.02 worth and not meant to attack anyone who has used it ... merely a suggestion to reflect about how common the complex and complicated (and, dangerous if misused) commonly accepted practices become.

[Just_G]

I come from a very dysfunctional family where nobody talks about anything. Everyone always acts like everything is okay and never asks questions beyond the basic, "how ya doin'?" type of thing.

Because I have been around this my whole life, I didn't realize what a bad communicator I have been. I have been told that I don't ever give back any input and I never ask any questions when in the midst of a conversation. This has caused me problems in the last couple of relationships I have been in, and when they point it out I feel like I am being scolded...when in all actuality, I thought if I asked anything I would just be being nosey. I hate that I am not inquisitive...apparently some people think I just don't care, when I am actually listening; just not saying much.

When I type things out, I am a fantastic communicator, but in person, apparently I am lacking.

Does anyone know of any books that help with communication?

I read the link that Medusa posted, and I know that I am a passive communicator now. Talk about hitting the nail on the head! It's funny because I think I am so social and outgoing, but when it comes to sitting and holding a serious conversation, apparently, I am something completely different. I have been really frustrated with this lately, and know that this is taking it's toll on my relationships. I hate that I just "take" whatever someone has to say to/about me, and it ends up feeling like I am in trouble or "less than" because I am not the best at communicating.

I guess add this to my list of changes for 2011!

[DapperButch]

Originally Posted by waxnrope

I appreciate the discussion on communication. Mostly, I appreciate the recognition that there are multiple styles. And, the unfortunate reality that not one style is suitable for every person.

Where I think that we need to exercise caution is in the manner in which we throw out the term "passive aggressive." This is a psychiatric term relating to a personality disorder. It has ranking within the DSM (currently IV) scales. What this means, like the past use of calling one's neighbor schizophrenic without having fully understood the dimensions of the disorder, calling people passive aggressive without having the tools (or the credentials), the objective observations can just serve to belittle behavior which one disagrees. I think we should be careful here.
For anyone with interest, the following link provides the criteria for the DIAGNOSIS of this disorder. Just reading it does not give the right to sling it around at random. There are nuances ..

http://www.ptypes.com/passive-aggpd.html

Just my $.02 worth and not meant to attack anyone who has used it ... merely a suggestion to reflect about how common the complex and complicated (and, dangerous if misused) commonly accepted practices become.

Hey, wax!

Just wanted to note that Passive-Aggressive Personality Disorder was actually removed as a diagnosis from the DSM in the DSM IV version (published 1994, text version 2000). It was moved to Appendix B (for reference).

For me, using the term passive aggressive as it relates to communication styles is very different from someone have a Passive-Aggressive Personality Disorder. One can communicate in a passive-aggressive way, but not meet the criteria for the old Passive - Aggressive Personality Disorder diagnosis.

So, when I say that someone is communicating in a passive-aggressive fashion, I am in no way saying that they have a personality disorder. I am merely speaking to their communication style.

[Gemme]

I've used all of the communication styles listed (subconsciously and intentionally) and think there is a time and place for all of them. It all depends on who you are communicating with, though I do agree that assertive is the most healthy style to use to communicate.

[Nat]

Heard this today - liked it - thought it might apply to sone stuff here. It sure applies to me.

-----


How We Hold Our Thoughts

More important than the kind of thoughts we have
is how we hold thoughts,
how we relate to them:

in the way we're attached,
we cling,
we resist things,
the way we are pushed around by things,
troubled by things

have a lot to do with how we hold our thoughts and ideas.

We have
what's going on,
ideas of who we are

if we can learn to hold our way of thinking very lightly
then it's easier to have the experience of being porous
as opposed to having a wall
or something solid
that the world hits when it encounters us.

When someone says something
or does something
and it hits us -

if we're holding tightly to some idea,
holding tight to some concept,
some story,
some opinion,
some world of thinking -

then that tightness,
that holding,
is often the thing that the world encounters and strikes.

Sometimes it meets with hard resistence
and sometimes we get knocked over.
Sometimes if the holding is kind of tenuous,
we can feel vulnerable
because we're kind of holding,
we're kind of not,
we're kind of open,
we're kind of not.
We're not quite ready to let go,
but we're not quite holding on either.

It's nice to consider that there's another way to be -
to hold thoughts so lightly that you're porous.
If somebody says something
it's almost like it goes right through you.
It doesn't stick anywhere,
doesn't hit anything,
doesn't get stuck by anything,
there's no hooks inside us,
no buttons inside us that get pushed.

So the idea is to be porous
and let things come through and move out.
They can still have an impact,
we can still be emotionally moved by things,
but the emotional response is also moved through freely, openly.
We don't hold onto it.

It's important to look
at how you're holding your thoughts.
Are you riding them really close?
Are you giving them a lot of authority?
Do you believe your thoughts are who you really are?
Do you believe every thought you've believed?
Are you judging your thoughts a lot?
How do you relate to thoughts
and can you loosen the grip of thoughts?

Thoughts can come and go,
they can be good thoughts,
they can be bad thoughts,
but if we hold them lightly
then it's easier to be relaxed about what happens around us.

- Gil Fronsdal - Audio Dharma podcast