Were you adopted in a closed adoption?

[NotAnAverageGuy]

Originally Posted by apocalipstic

Animals are the best, I have 2 cats and 2 dogs and they all pile up with me.
Does the sugar glider have a little pouch? One of my coworkers used to bring hers to work, it would peek out at us at meetings.

yes mine have bonding pouches and a sleepin pouch, mine peek out at people all the time when I take them with me.

Animals are cheap therapy too

[Apocalipstic]

Originally Posted by Bit

{{{{{{{{{{{{{Jen}}}}}}}}}}}} I'm sorry it was so difficult.

I'm wondering what exactly is it that you suck so badly at, though. Accepting bad behavior from dysfunctional people? Putting yourself into an emotionally abusive situation? Forcing yourself to do something that's totally unhealthy? May we ALL learn to suck at those!!

...forgive me if I can't figure out why you're beating the hell out of yourself over choosing to avoid a desperately unhealthy situation....

Cynthia deserves flowers for seeing that you were in dire straits, for suggesting the right answer, and for knowing the right time to wake you up. And if flowers aren't her thing, well, she deserves whatever is comparable, cuz yanno in all seriousness, you owe her one for saving you from yourself, honey.



Medical intervention is hardly a bad thing in the face of uncontrollable emotional breakdown. {{{{{{{{{{{{Jen}}}}}}}}}}}

Come on, hon, you're analytical... think about this. If it were me, and I was breaking down over going to a family "celebration" where people would treat me the way you've been treated (including the uncle about my dead mother), wouldn't you just look at me and say, "for pete's sake Cath, don't go there! Why DO that to yourself! Why force yourself to do something so unhealthy?"

If it were Cynthia in that situation, wouldn't you do your VERY best to keep her from going? I sure as the stars wouldn't let Gryph go!

See, I think the thing here is not that this is an adopted family, but that it's a dysfunctional family, still reeling from past abuse and still emotionally abusive today. That's not healthy whether you're adopted or not.

You don't have any obligation to them, you know, any more than I have any obligation to my own family. Adopted family or birth family, when they're this abusive, all bets are off.

From my psychology 101 class:

When you cannot change a situation, and you cannot change yourself to be able to accept the situation, the healthy response, the path of sanity, is to walk away.

What this means in a practical sense is that you might need to avoid spending holidays with them, or it might mean that you need to limit contact to very brief meetings, or it might mean that you need to avoid contact altogether, cut ties and walk away. Only you can decide what is best for your own mental health---but honey, if your therapist knew how horrid this really is/was for you, I'm betting she'd be telling you to walk away, at least temporarily.

You do not have any obligation to force yourself to do anything, Jen. You're an adult without minor children, therefore your overriding obligation is to do what is healthy for you and your next obligation is to do what is healthy for your partner; after that, you are obligated to do what is best for your furbabies.

The rest of the people in your life? They're not obligations, sugar. They're there because you choose them--nothing more. You are free to un-choose them if they're bad for you, and you're certainly free to turn down invitations to events that are bad for you.

Please, hon, stop beating yourself up for being healthy, k?

I felt like it was expected and I said I would go. But I just could not make myself.

My therapist suggested, if I did want to see any of them, to make it one on one and tell them I can't do large family things.

I guess I picture my Mom in Heaven (Which I don't even really believe in) being dissapointed in me.

Thank you for your kind words and encouragement, they (you) mean so much to me.

xoxoxo

Originally Posted by christie0918

Bravo!!! I couldn't have said it better!

Jen - read this again... it makes SO much sense... especially the part I bolded.

I will pvt you my cell # - next time we're in town and you need a gentle reminder that there is nothing wrong with choosing to not be subject to family BS, you call me and we'll do some Opry Mills retail therapy (wait, I did that on Christmas Eve! - Hell, we'll do it again!)

That sounds fab!

Originally Posted by Bit

That's high praise, Christie, thank you!

And I'm jealous... wish I lived closer to y'all! Friend Therapy is as good as Retail Therapy, for me... someday when I get That House put together properly, I'll have a big party and invite y'all....

That would be so cool! Maybe we can all meet up sometime.

Originally Posted by NotAnAverageGuy

yes mine have bonding pouches and a sleepin pouch, mine peek out at people all the time when I take them with me.

Animals are cheap therapy too

Sooooo cute! Sometimes I wish I had a teeny pet who could go everywhere with me.

They are great therapy, they always know when I am sad.



Thank you all for just being here to talk to.

[NotAnAverageGuy]

Yeah and animals dont talk back or judge, they listen and cuddle!!

HAHAH maybe thats why I spend so much time with my pets.


On a side note, I am frustrated with my half sister, she texts me but doesn't call often and when she does, she dodges anything and everything when it comes to our mother.

[Apocalipstic]

Originally Posted by NotAnAverageGuy

Yeah and animals dont talk back or judge, they listen and cuddle!!

HAHAH maybe thats why I spend so much time with my pets.


On a side note, I am frustrated with my half sister, she texts me but doesn't call often and when she does, she dodges anything and everything when it comes to our mother.

Maybe she feels put in the middle?

Maybe try to have a relationship with her and don't mention your Mom? Does that make sense? Then she will know you value her for her. She can get to know her brother with no parental influence. Has she met your glider?

Maybe she avoids calling because she has no idea what to say about your Mom? It is not her fault if your Mom is nto ready for this yet.

In the long run, a sister is a wonderful thing to have!
(for me, far better than parents)

[NotAnAverageGuy]

Originally Posted by apocalipstic

Maybe she feels put in the middle?

Maybe try to have a relationship with her and don't mention your Mom? Does that make sense? Then she will know you value her for her. She can get to know her brother with no parental influence. Has she met your glider?

Maybe she avoids calling because she has no idea what to say about your Mom? It is not her fault if your Mom is nto ready for this yet.

In the long run, a sister is a wonderful thing to have!
(for me, far better than parents)

She is the one who tells me about our mother in the first place and then runs after saying things.

And my poor family, neither of them know I am trans, that is a huge Taboo subject with my family, both my families, they have a big issue with the whole GLBTI community as it is.

[Bit]

Originally Posted by NotAnAverageGuy

And my poor family, neither of them know I am trans, that is a huge Taboo subject with my family, both my families, they have a big issue with the whole GLBTI community as it is.

Yikes! That must make it difficult to relax and be yourself with them. I wish you all peace, comfort, and acceptance. May they come to understanding, and may the journey be smooth.

[Apocalipstic]

Originally Posted by NotAnAverageGuy

She is the one who tells me about our mother in the first place and then runs after saying things.

And my poor family, neither of them know I am trans, that is a huge Taboo subject with my family, both my families, they have a big issue with the whole GLBTI community as it is.

Yes, it is an issue and I so with it wasn't.

Have you met your half sister in person? Maybe she wants to be close, but it all messed up having to deal with your mother and be in the middle.
So sorry this is happening. I hope this year they will find understanding and you will get the answers you deserve!

You deserve to know your heritage, your people, your history.

You deserve happyness and acceptance!

Originally Posted by Bit

I would so love to meet you again sometime when we could actually sit down and talk, Jen. I've always been glad you found me and introduced yourself in Vegas, but we only had what, thirty seconds? And I was SO utterly overwhelmed that whole time; I'm sure I didn't say anything much that was even coherent!

So, it's been our goal from the beginning *or at least my goal and Gryph didn't say no, lol* to have a place where friends can come and stay. I don't know how long it'll take, but someday we'll do it.



{{{{{{{{{{{Jen}}}}}}}}}} You mean so much to me, also.

I feel pretty sad about your thinking your Mom would be disappointed in you. I freely admit that I certainly have no idea what she would have thought while she was alive, but oh honey... after a person has died and is on the Other Side (however we might think of the place, Heaven or whatever), they can see and understand so much!! Your Mom's not disappointed in you! She wants for you what she always wanted for you--to be happy.

She's watched over you as best she could, and she's proud of you. Why shouldn't she be? Why wouldn't any mother be proud of you? You're a wonderful person, honey. She loves you, she wants you to be happy, and she's proud of you.

xoxoxox

We did chat like 30 seconds, but you really made a great impression. I felt such warmth and strenth andf goodness talking to you!

I was pretty overwhelmed too, we spent a lot of time hiding in our room. Ha.

Thank you for saying that about my Mom. If she is out there, I hope she knows I try to honor her memory.

My father told me I never loved her when I agreed to meet my bio parents and when he found out I was gay.

[Bit]

I would so love to meet you again sometime when we could actually sit down and talk, Jen. I've always been glad you found me and introduced yourself in Vegas, but we only had what, thirty seconds? And I was SO utterly overwhelmed that whole time; I'm sure I didn't say anything much that was even coherent!

So, it's been our goal from the beginning *or at least my goal and Gryph didn't say no, lol* to have a place where friends can come and stay. I don't know how long it'll take, but someday we'll do it.

Originally Posted by apocalipstic

I guess I picture my Mom in Heaven (Which I don't even really believe in) being dissapointed in me.

Thank you for your kind words and encouragement, they (you) mean so much to me.

xoxoxo

{{{{{{{{{{{Jen}}}}}}}}}} You mean so much to me, also.

I feel pretty sad about your thinking your Mom would be disappointed in you. I freely admit that I certainly have no idea what she would have thought while she was alive, but oh honey... after a person has died and is on the Other Side (however we might think of the place, Heaven or whatever), they can see and understand so much!! Your Mom's not disappointed in you! She wants for you what she always wanted for you--to be happy.

She's watched over you as best she could, and she's proud of you. Why shouldn't she be? Why wouldn't any mother be proud of you? You're a wonderful person, honey. She loves you, she wants you to be happy, and she's proud of you.

xoxoxox