For the T-Femmes and SOFFAs...

[julieisafemme]

Ok I know I am annoying but I just wanted to clarify that I am not dismissing or jumping on Bit or Dylan. I LOVE Dylan. He is my good buddy. We don't always agree and that is ok. Bit is a wonderful poster and I have learned a lot from her. I want it to be ok for us to ask questions and engage in debate as long as we are respectful. I feel like that has been the case thus far. I am sorry if anything I have said has seemed not respectful or mean.

Some days I am really lonely and worn down. The reality is that finding a cohesive trans community where everyone identifies like me is not going to happen. I am open to and want to talk to all partners of trans people. Some people are stealth. Some are not. Some people pass. Some do not. I need support so I can be the best support to my partner. I am hoping that we can all feel safe and comfortable posting and sharing here.

[Soon]

Originally Posted by julieisafemme

Ok I know I am annoying but I just wanted to clarify that I am not dismissing or jumping on Bit or Dylan. I LOVE Dylan. He is my good buddy. We don't always agree and that is ok. Bit is a wonderful poster and I have learned a lot from her. I want it to be ok for us to ask questions and engage in debate as long as we are respectful. I feel like that has been the case thus far. I am sorry if anything I have said has seemed not respectful or mean.

Some days I am really lonely and worn down. The reality is that finding a cohesive trans community where everyone identifies like me is not going to happen. I am open to and want to talk to all partners of trans people. Some people are stealth. Some are not. Some people pass. Some do not. I need support so I can be the best support to my partner. I am hoping that we can all feel safe and comfortable posting and sharing here.

I hear you, Julie, but, sometimes, I need support just for me--just for ME.

I've enjoyed reading everyone's responses to this thread.


Thank you to one and all and especially to Rainbow for starting the thread!

[julieisafemme]

Originally Posted by HowSoonIsNow

I hear you, Julie, but, sometimes, I need support just for me--just for ME.

I've enjoyed reading everyone's responses to this thread.


Thank you to one and all and especially to Rainbow for starting the thread!

I agree! I just see the support I get as a partner as very specific and important to the health of my relationship. I get support for me in a variety of ways that are specific to certain parts of my life, like as a mom or as working woman. I guess I am more compartmentalized!

[firie]

Originally Posted by julieisafemme

Ok I know I am annoying but I just wanted to clarify that I am not dismissing or jumping on Bit or Dylan. I LOVE Dylan. He is my good buddy. We don't always agree and that is ok. Bit is a wonderful poster and I have learned a lot from her. I want it to be ok for us to ask questions and engage in debate as long as we are respectful. I feel like that has been the case thus far. I am sorry if anything I have said has seemed not respectful or mean.

Some days I am really lonely and worn down. The reality is that finding a cohesive trans community where everyone identifies like me is not going to happen. I am open to and want to talk to all partners of trans people. Some people are stealth. Some are not. Some people pass. Some do not. I need support so I can be the best support to my partner. I am hoping that we can all feel safe and comfortable posting and sharing here.

Me too! I wanted to say that I adore you! And hate that you feel lonely and down! And I so hear you! In my me opinion, I don't think you can talk this out with a great many gay and lesbian people, they maybe don't get it, and that's okay, as that's not a sentiment that's meant to war, but just be truthful. We went and listened to a Q&A by Miss Majors and her stance is that the trans community has to separate itself from the GLB community (which is difficult) in order to reach its own goals, as the GLB community has very different goals and this often conflicts a great deal (and perhaps why there is always in-fighting and really protective, however attacking stances, back and forth between primarily gay and trans communities). Yet this makes for a lonelier existence in ways, because despite befriending whoever, you really can't connect on certain issues with people unless they too are experiencing just that and that is really difficult to find, I think because of the diversity, you noted, within the trans community. So what does one do?

I am rambling, but I wish we had more groups for significant others to just talk. I don't know about the labels discussion, as I am really done with labels lately. And also I just hands down believe that self-identity is self-identity and that potential for empowerment loses personal and political power when folks try to slice it all up. Yeah, I think anyone can be anything they want, and that is that. However, a person's actions perhaps are more important to critique if any actual change is going to come from the issues one has with one's behavior. And as with any other id, transensual is going to be what it is to any given person. Objectification is going to feel objectifying depending on how a person feels in whatever situation is objectifying. Relationships don't work if objectification is a problem two people cannot get past, that seems to be a given.

I think too, again, you have conflicting interests in the GLB and Trans communities, perhaps. Or maybe this is just me, but it feels that way certainly. I can't identify from a lesbian context--I am not a lesbian and to claim the identity is disrespectful and privileged to do so. I can't identify or relate to lesbians who do date males, as I can't imagine the dilemma there for certain couples with respect to that identity--it is a challenge I imagine in a number of ways. I date guys, always have, and am not pansexual in any sense. I do get frustrated with it often being assumed that I am omni-or pansexual because of my femme identity. I also get frustrated with it being assumed that I am inherently lesbian when I am not. That is not in anyway a diss to lesbians, I just can't fit into the identity, because even the occasional times I have dated females, well, it didn't work. I know this about myself, despite how heteronormative it feels/is and despite how it situates me in the queer community.

I am really tired, too, of utilizing the internet for information. I have a busy schedule and only spend a few hours a week online. I want a more social avenue, really. Some girlfriends who can lunch and talk this stuff out. So move here, k? Or we will maybe move there?

I ask you, or anyone, do you have any groups? What are they like? Are they helpful? I have had a hell of time finding them here, and nothing that is significant other specific. Because I would like to bond with other partners if possible, as I think that would be healthy and helpful. Just me. If I have the time, at some point, I may very well start a group. As prevalent as the trans community is in Austin, it's not very visible--seems to work a great deal behind the scenes and understandably so. Gender variance is one thing, and there is a lot of visibility for the gender queer here, but again, that doesn't exactly fit us, when it comes to just getting social acquaintances that get where Dylan and I are coming from. For me, there are femme groups, but that doesn't really hit the nail on the head either, and I am really frustrated with femme anyway lately, as a label for me. It feels restrictive, is difficult to bond in, and well, doesn't really empower me or fit me anymore. Dylan and I have been contemplating moving, and even to Houston, because there is a larger community there, and more resources. Austin is really restrictive in a great many ways, because it isn't urban enough to have a great deal of non-profit agency, per se for your smaller "minorities" despite its claiming that it does so. There isn't even really a GLBT center here, per se. Austin also purports to be so "queer" friendly that we all just intermix and live as Austinites, which is just simply not true. Austin kind of approaches race that way too, failing to remind itself that it still segregates daily. We would love to get out of Texas but timing for us on that just makes it impossible at this point in time--I have a new job and Dylan is all over the place with work. Again, sorry, I think I am rambling.

I don't know, it can be frustrating, right?

[julieisafemme]

I so hear you too. I really want to say that I hear you and see you. Your post and others here really highlights how differently partners identify, interact and look at themselves and their partners.

Lesbian does fit me. So does femme. But I am so new to this world and really don't know how it all manifests for me. I came out and then met my partner. All of a sudden I was defined by who I am with. I'm not sure what that means! It's been a little frustrating.

I am going to start in a once a month partner support group next month. I am excited. Not all of the partners identify as a femme or even queer. So I guess this is what I have been trying to say about the transensual femme identity and trying to be aware to some trans men and women that might not be something they understand or feel comfortable with.

I would love to be part of a Yahoo group or maybe a list from this site for partners.

I want to ask and think about all of the hard questions in a safe space. I don't care how anyone identifies. As long as you are a partner then I am open to that. I remember at the conference we went to I sat and talked with a butch partner and we had lots in common that we could discuss even though we are obviously different in how we identify. No one asked me how I identified at this conference.

Ok now I am rambling!!!! I am glad you posted here firie.

Originally Posted by firie

Me too! I wanted to say that I adore you! And hate that you feel lonely and down! And I so hear you! In my me opinion, I don't think you can talk this out with a great many gay and lesbian people, they maybe don't get it, and that's okay, as that's not a sentiment that's meant to war, but just be truthful. We went and listened to a Q&A by Miss Majors and her stance is that the trans community has to separate itself from the GLB community (which is difficult) in order to reach its own goals, as the GLB community has very different goals and this often conflicts a great deal (and perhaps why there is always in-fighting and really protective, however attacking stances, back and forth between primarily gay and trans communities). Yet this makes for a lonelier existence in ways, because despite befriending whoever, you really can't connect on certain issues with people unless they too are experiencing just that and that is really difficult to find, I think because of the diversity, you noted, within the trans community. So what does one do?

I am rambling, but I wish we had more groups for significant others to just talk. I don't know about the labels discussion, as I am really done with labels lately. And also I just hands down believe that self-identity is self-identity and that potential for empowerment loses personal and political power when folks try to slice it all up. Yeah, I think anyone can be anything they want, and that is that. However, a person's actions perhaps are more important to critique if any actual change is going to come from the issues one has with one's behavior. And as with any other id, transensual is going to be what it is to any given person. Objectification is going to feel objectifying depending on how a person feels in whatever situation is objectifying. Relationships don't work if objectification is a problem two people cannot get past, that seems to be a given.

I think too, again, you have conflicting interests in the GLB and Trans communities, perhaps. Or maybe this is just me, but it feels that way certainly. I can't identify from a lesbian context--I am not a lesbian and to claim the identity is disrespectful and privileged to do so. I can't identify or relate to lesbians who do date males, as I can't imagine the dilemma there for certain couples with respect to that identity--it is a challenge I imagine in a number of ways. I date guys, always have, and am not pansexual in any sense. I do get frustrated with it often being assumed that I am omni-or pansexual because of my femme identity. I also get frustrated with it being assumed that I am inherently lesbian when I am not. That is not in anyway a diss to lesbians, I just can't fit into the identity, because even the occasional times I have dated females, well, it didn't work. I know this about myself, despite how heteronormative it feels/is and despite how it situates me in the queer community.

I am really tired, too, of utilizing the internet for information. I have a busy schedule and only spend a few hours a week online. I want a more social avenue, really. Some girlfriends who can lunch and talk this stuff out. So move here, k? Or we will maybe move there?

I ask you, or anyone, do you have any groups? What are they like? Are they helpful? I have had a hell of time finding them here, and nothing that is significant other specific. Because I would like to bond with other partners if possible, as I think that would be healthy and helpful. Just me. If I have the time, at some point, I may very well start a group. As prevalent as the trans community is in Austin, it's not very visible--seems to work a great deal behind the scenes and understandably so. Gender variance is one thing, and there is a lot of visibility for the gender queer here, but again, that doesn't exactly fit us, when it comes to just getting social acquaintances that get where Dylan and I are coming from. For me, there are femme groups, but that doesn't really hit the nail on the head either, and I am really frustrated with femme anyway lately, as a label for me. It feels restrictive, is difficult to bond in, and well, doesn't really empower me or fit me anymore. Dylan and I have been contemplating moving, and even to Houston, because there is a larger community there, and more resources. Austin is really restrictive in a great many ways, because it isn't urban enough to have a great deal of non-profit agency, per se for your smaller "minorities" despite its claiming that it does so. There isn't even really a GLBT center here, per se. Austin also purports to be so "queer" friendly that we all just intermix and live as Austinites, which is just simply not true. Austin kind of approaches race that way too, failing to remind itself that it still segregates daily. We would love to get out of Texas but timing for us on that just makes it impossible at this point in time--I have a new job and Dylan is all over the place with work. Again, sorry, I think I am rambling.

I don't know, it can be frustrating, right?