Sexual Abuse: Coping, Recovery and Survival

Gemme · 01-28-2010, 06:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SweetChrissy

Being sexually abused is a very touchy subject. I was sexually abused when I was 8 and it lasted until I was 13/14. I was never told to keep it a secret or I would be killed but that no one would believe me. There is alot I dont remember because I blocked it out of my memory. I do have bad dreams of being raped. I have been prescriped sleeping pills to stop the night terrors which it helps some of the time. I have been through therapy and continue to see a therapist on and off. My last therapist suggested the book called The Courage to Heal....they also have a workbook and its supposed to help out alot. I am having a hard time finding out where i am in the book because it works in stages. Just thought i would throw it out there and maybe someone else would benifit from it. peace and love

Thanks for posting. I've also heard that The Courage to Heal is a wonderful help for many.

SweetChrissy · 01-28-2010, 07:08 PM

No thank you for starting this theard. Many people dont realize how common childhood sexual abuse really is.

Andrew, Jr. · 01-28-2010, 10:14 PM

I just want to offer compassion. Strength for the weary as I see it.

Andrew

Andrew, Jr. · 04-19-2010, 03:16 PM

Did anyone catch Oprah today? It was Mo'Nique's family being interviewed, mainly her older brother, Gerald Imes. He acknowledges that he molested Mo'Nique AND apoligized to her.

Gerald Imes alledges that his drug abuse and the fact that he was sexually molested as a youngster caused him to abuse his younger sister. I am not sure I really buy into this logic. But that is just me.

Andrew

Gemme · 04-19-2010, 06:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Andrew, Jr.

Did anyone catch Oprah today? It was Mo'Nique's family being interviewed, mainly her older brother, Gerald Imes. He acknowledges that he molested Mo'Nique AND apoligized to her.

Gerald Imes alledges that his drug abuse and the fact that he was sexually molested as a youngster caused him to abuse his younger sister. I am not sure I really buy into this logic. But that is just me.

Andrew

I didn't see the show but I think it's plausible. Sexual abuse tends to be a vicious cycle, spread like a contagious disease, from one generation to the next.

Also, drugs are fully capable of causing violent and/or abusive behavior in people. So, it's possible. But it's possible that someone could be using those things as an excuse for behavior that may or may not have occurred without the drugs and abuse. It's really very hard to tell sometimes.

Andrew, Jr. · 04-20-2010, 04:56 PM

I agree Gemme. I just am a bit shocked that he (Gerald Imes) choose to be so open on public TV about raping his younger sister. I would think that would be more appropriate to be discussed with a therapist. I don't know anything about drug abuse, and even when my older sister was abusing cocaine I was 19 years younger than she was.

dixie · 04-30-2010, 08:01 PM

Hmm... I've been posting in the mental illness thread, and I've really had to stop and think about something that is weighing heavily on my mind and affecting my mental wellbeing. I haven't been able to speak this "horror" out loud and in all honesty only two people closest to me even know about it. I'm hoping that eventhough I can't force the words out of my lips, that actually seeing the words take shape will help me. And I hope that this is the right place to post this. Anyway, here goes:

A little background on me: I may be a 5'4" tall femme, but I have always been a self-proclaimed "badass". I always stand up for the underdog even if it sometimes takes force. When I walk into the local bars I know most everyone by name and generally like everyone there whether they are gay, lesbian, trans, etc doesn't matter. We're like a family and they know that I will stand up for that family. When someone gets too drunk and starts harassing or bullying another person, they know that I am usually the one who steps in and does damage control. I never pick fights or start trouble, but I have no problem defending myself and/or others if I feel there is an injustice going on. I'm kinda fearless for the most part, in any given situation like that. Now, keep that in mind....

On the eve of Good Friday, I became the victim of a sexual assualt. A straight male thought it would be "good fun" to rape the "dyke". I am so ashamed to say that I was in such shock that I couldn't even fight back. I couldn't scream, I couldn't fight him off, I couldn't do anything. I don't understand! Where was all my bravado? Why did the badass protector in me retreat? Why could I not stop this?? Why couldn't I protect myself???

I sit and I cry and I truly don't know... I always had that misguided thought that "oh, that could never happen to me" and "oh, I know I could fight back". And then, this horror DID happen to me. And I couldn't do anything. I couldn't stop it. It's like I shrank into myself and a part of me died while this was happening. The physical violation doesn't even compare to the emotional and mental violation. I just don't understand. I wrote above about my stupid little badass personality. Where the hell was it when I actually needed it??? Does anyone have any idea why I allowed this to happen to myself?? Please! Someone tell me! I don't understand it!! I feel so ashamed and so disgusted... I can't even force the words out of my mouth. And I truly wish that this was something that I could shove into a file in the back of my mind and lock the door on it. But I can't. I just can't stop feeling like it's my fault that I couldn't stop it...

JinxdGirl · 08-01-2010, 03:16 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by NotAnAverageGuy

I have a question, how can I as a friend help someone who has been abused in the past, they come to me to talk and I just listen but I feel helpless, they feel it was their fault and I know it's not by any means. Any suggestions for us friends on what to say or do or act?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Andrew, Jr.

NotAnAverageGuy,

Just listen. Trust me - that is best thing you can do. I am a survivor. I know first hand that it is a gift you can give to someone is to sit and listen to them talk. Sometimes that is what they just need to do. Do not act surprised. Do not belittle the person at all. Go with the flow of the conversation.

Namaste,
Andrew

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gemme

Andrew is right. The best thing you can do for your friend now is to do what you've been doing, listening to him/her. Guilt is a very common emotion associated with abuse. Very often, you'll hear adult abusers saying, "S/he made me do it. If s/he didn't look so sexy or like s/he wanted it, I wouldn't have done it." Blame is frequently placed upon the victim, whether by the victim, the abuser or both. You can consistently, gently remind him/her that it's not his/her fault. I might suggest s/he talk to a counselor. If s/he balks, offer to go with him/her.

Having a trusted person to listen when I need to vent or 'talk out loud' has been priceless and probably the most effective method I've used to cope with past abuse. It may seem as if you are not doing anything productive, but abuse is more psychological than physical, in my experience. Just providing a safe environment is a tremendous help to your friend.

Quote:

Originally Posted by always2late

I agree with the postings above that one of the best ways to help a friend who has been abused is to listen. One of the components of abuse is secrecy. Victims are coerced or threatened not to speak. They are made to feel guilty and that feeling of guilt is compounded by remaining silent. Sometimes all a person needs is a kind, nonjudgemental ear. The very act of being able to speak of the abuse without fear of judgement or recrimination can be cleansing.

The only thing I would add to these suggestions, which are wonderful, is to never dig for details. If/when your friend shares the details, breathe deeply and try not to flinch. We have learned to read faces as a way of survival. Often we will stop speaking if we think we've said too much. It's not easy, but it is something I suggest to friends and loved ones of survivors wanting to know how best to support the person in their lives.

Gemme · 08-01-2010, 11:47 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JinxdGirl

The only thing I would add to these suggestions, which are wonderful, is to never dig for details. If/when your friend shares the details, breathe deeply and try not to flinch. We have learned to read faces as a way of survival. Often we will stop speaking if we think we've said too much. It's not easy, but it is something I suggest to friends and loved ones of survivors wanting to know how best to support the person in their lives.

This is absolutely true.

JinxdGirl · 08-01-2010, 09:14 PM

I am a survivor. This is my story, or at least part of it.

Running to my parents' room, age 3, the thunder scared me. My father pulled me into the bed, I expected comforting, he slid his hand in my panties.

Happy 9th Birthday, he steals my virginity and my hope.

I'm 10 and begin cutting myself. The relief is unexplainable.

I'm 12 and in a house alone with my father and brother-in-law. Most of my siblings (his children) are much older; married with their own children. I learn all about sharing and I feel myself breaking from the inside out.

Still 12, I am awakened by sounds of my sister (5 years older than me) screaming. He is strangling her. Holding her by the throat against the wall and forcing himself upon her. I run, barefoot in my nightgown, to the convenience store 3 blocks away and call the police. My sister is sent away, nothing happens to him. My sister later tells me she hates me for being born. Had I not been born he would not be in her life. She is wrong, but I won't have the strength to tell her this for nearly 20 years.

I'm 13 and the state of Texas has finally gotten involved after my second suicide attempt. The caseworker gives my mother a choice "your husband or your child", she sends me to Georgia to live with her sister whom I don't know. After a month I am back in Texas and told to never tell anyone that my father still lives in the same house as me. I also spend 29 days in a locked ward for adolescents, I feel safe for the first time.

I'm 15, mom rents an apartment. She lives with my father, I live alone in an apartment. She pays the bills and I keep her secrets. It's the life I've been conditioned to accept.

I'm 18 and without a place to live, stay with mom and him. He rapes me for the last time. I hold a knife to his throat and tell him that if he ever so much as brushes against me I will kill him and get away with it.

I'm 21, he dies. I don't cry. He suddenly becomes a saint and I am finally, officially disowned by everyone except my mother. I wish that she was included.

I'm 31, I still have some contact with my mother. I try to cope. I go to therapy and take medication to help with the flashbacks. I have survived. I am surviving. I am reclaiming what was taken and leaving as much as I can in the past.

I wish now only to be heard by the family I was born into. Just hear me and maybe, finally, realize I was deserving of love. I was deserving of much better than I received. I do not hate them, but I have ceased to care about them. Their rejection no longer hurts my soul.

I'm learning, dealing, growing. They will not win. I will live and live well. No one can take that from me.

Gemme · 07-27-2016, 08:30 AM

I'm not sure what happened, but I apologize for not responding to your post Jinxd. Most likely, I got tied up in my own personal drama.

That's a heavy burden to bear. I'm glad you have been able to extract yourself from most of the family and most of that toxicity. I have never been able to understand someone not working to protect a child in danger or the value of secrecy and prolonging abuse. It teaches children to be shame hoarders and predators that there is little to no consequences for their actions.

I'm very firm in my stance that if you put a hand on a child in an abusive manner, you should draw back a nub. Same thing with a penis. My own version of an eye for an eye, I guess.

Thank you for sharing.

Bubala · 10-08-2016, 12:57 PM

This woman started discussion on sexual assault under hashtag #notokay and within only 13 hours got over 1 million tweets back! *sad*

https://mic.com/articles/156250/afte...af5#.dY3FVrdLS

Calling sexual assault "locker room banter" or "a distraction" is textbook definition of rape culture in action. Women know this #NotOkay

08-01-2010, 09:14 PM	#10
JinxdGirl Member How Do You Identify?: Tomyboy Femme Preferred Pronoun?: The girl ones, please! Relationship Status: Single Join Date: Jul 2010 Location: Greensboro, NC Posts: 123 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 293 Thanked 168 Times in 48 Posts Rep Power: 215554	possibly triggering, though i tried to leave out the gory details I am a survivor. This is my story, or at least part of it. Running to my parents' room, age 3, the thunder scared me. My father pulled me into the bed, I expected comforting, he slid his hand in my panties. Happy 9th Birthday, he steals my virginity and my hope. I'm 10 and begin cutting myself. The relief is unexplainable. I'm 12 and in a house alone with my father and brother-in-law. Most of my siblings (his children) are much older; married with their own children. I learn all about sharing and I feel myself breaking from the inside out. Still 12, I am awakened by sounds of my sister (5 years older than me) screaming. He is strangling her. Holding her by the throat against the wall and forcing himself upon her. I run, barefoot in my nightgown, to the convenience store 3 blocks away and call the police. My sister is sent away, nothing happens to him. My sister later tells me she hates me for being born. Had I not been born he would not be in her life. She is wrong, but I won't have the strength to tell her this for nearly 20 years. I'm 13 and the state of Texas has finally gotten involved after my second suicide attempt. The caseworker gives my mother a choice "your husband or your child", she sends me to Georgia to live with her sister whom I don't know. After a month I am back in Texas and told to never tell anyone that my father still lives in the same house as me. I also spend 29 days in a locked ward for adolescents, I feel safe for the first time. I'm 15, mom rents an apartment. She lives with my father, I live alone in an apartment. She pays the bills and I keep her secrets. It's the life I've been conditioned to accept. I'm 18 and without a place to live, stay with mom and him. He rapes me for the last time. I hold a knife to his throat and tell him that if he ever so much as brushes against me I will kill him and get away with it. I'm 21, he dies. I don't cry. He suddenly becomes a saint and I am finally, officially disowned by everyone except my mother. I wish that she was included. I'm 31, I still have some contact with my mother. I try to cope. I go to therapy and take medication to help with the flashbacks. I have survived. I am surviving. I am reclaiming what was taken and leaving as much as I can in the past. I wish now only to be heard by the family I was born into. Just hear me and maybe, finally, realize I was deserving of love. I was deserving of much better than I received. I do not hate them, but I have ceased to care about them. Their rejection no longer hurts my soul. I'm learning, dealing, growing. They will not win. I will live and live well. No one can take that from me.

07-27-2016, 08:30 AM	#11
Gemme Practically Lives Here How Do You Identify?: Queer Stone Femme Girl of the Unicorn Variety Preferred Pronoun?: She, as in 'She's a GEM' Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: The roads are narrow here Posts: 36,631 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 182,498 Thanked 107,973 Times in 25,664 Posts Rep Power: 21474888	I'm not sure what happened, but I apologize for not responding to your post Jinxd. Most likely, I got tied up in my own personal drama. That's a heavy burden to bear. I'm glad you have been able to extract yourself from most of the family and most of that toxicity. I have never been able to understand someone not working to protect a child in danger or the value of secrecy and prolonging abuse. It teaches children to be shame hoarders and predators that there is little to no consequences for their actions. I'm very firm in my stance that if you put a hand on a child in an abusive manner, you should draw back a nub. Same thing with a penis. My own version of an eye for an eye, I guess. Thank you for sharing. __________________ Gemme's Journal I'm misunderestimated.

10-08-2016, 12:57 PM	#12
Bubala Member How Do You Identify?: Lady Sunflower Preferred Pronoun?: She/her Join Date: Dec 2015 Location: San Fran Posts: 844 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 463 Thanked 1,671 Times in 615 Posts Rep Power: 9338276	This woman started discussion on sexual assault under hashtag #notokay and within only 13 hours got over 1 million tweets back! sad https://mic.com/articles/156250/afte...af5#.dY3FVrdLS Calling sexual assault "locker room banter" or "a distraction" is textbook definition of rape culture in action. Women know this #NotOkay __________________ When life turns its back on you....grab its ass

01-28-2010, 07:08 PM	#2
SweetChrissy Junior Member How Do You Identify?: femme Preferred Pronoun?: she Relationship Status: very much taken and adored Join Date: Jan 2010 Location: florida Posts: 19 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 1 Thanked 21 Times in 9 Posts Rep Power: 431134	No thank you for starting this theard. Many people dont realize how common childhood sexual abuse really is.

01-28-2010, 10:14 PM	#3
Andrew, Jr. Timed Out How Do You Identify?: Me Preferred Pronoun?: He Relationship Status: Unavailable Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Over the Rainbow in a House Posts: 5,072 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 16,004 Thanked 5,249 Times in 2,216 Posts Rep Power: 0	I just want to offer compassion. Strength for the weary as I see it. Andrew

04-19-2010, 03:16 PM	#4
Andrew, Jr. Timed Out How Do You Identify?: Me Preferred Pronoun?: He Relationship Status: Unavailable Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Over the Rainbow in a House Posts: 5,072 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 16,004 Thanked 5,249 Times in 2,216 Posts Rep Power: 0	Did anyone catch Oprah today? It was Mo'Nique's family being interviewed, mainly her older brother, Gerald Imes. He acknowledges that he molested Mo'Nique AND apoligized to her. Gerald Imes alledges that his drug abuse and the fact that he was sexually molested as a youngster caused him to abuse his younger sister. I am not sure I really buy into this logic. But that is just me. Andrew

04-20-2010, 04:56 PM	#6
Andrew, Jr. Timed Out How Do You Identify?: Me Preferred Pronoun?: He Relationship Status: Unavailable Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Over the Rainbow in a House Posts: 5,072 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 16,004 Thanked 5,249 Times in 2,216 Posts Rep Power: 0	I agree Gemme. I just am a bit shocked that he (Gerald Imes) choose to be so open on public TV about raping his younger sister. I would think that would be more appropriate to be discussed with a therapist. I don't know anything about drug abuse, and even when my older sister was abusing cocaine I was 19 years younger than she was.

04-30-2010, 08:01 PM	#7
dixie Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: I usually just poke it with a stick. Preferred Pronoun?: Bitch Relationship Status: Intertwined deeply Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: We're all a little mad here. Posts: 6,627 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 10,972 Thanked 21,383 Times in 4,808 Posts Rep Power: 21474858	Hmm... I've been posting in the mental illness thread, and I've really had to stop and think about something that is weighing heavily on my mind and affecting my mental wellbeing. I haven't been able to speak this "horror" out loud and in all honesty only two people closest to me even know about it. I'm hoping that eventhough I can't force the words out of my lips, that actually seeing the words take shape will help me. And I hope that this is the right place to post this. Anyway, here goes: A little background on me: I may be a 5'4" tall femme, but I have always been a self-proclaimed "badass". I always stand up for the underdog even if it sometimes takes force. When I walk into the local bars I know most everyone by name and generally like everyone there whether they are gay, lesbian, trans, etc doesn't matter. We're like a family and they know that I will stand up for that family. When someone gets too drunk and starts harassing or bullying another person, they know that I am usually the one who steps in and does damage control. I never pick fights or start trouble, but I have no problem defending myself and/or others if I feel there is an injustice going on. I'm kinda fearless for the most part, in any given situation like that. Now, keep that in mind.... On the eve of Good Friday, I became the victim of a sexual assualt. A straight male thought it would be "good fun" to rape the "dyke". I am so ashamed to say that I was in such shock that I couldn't even fight back. I couldn't scream, I couldn't fight him off, I couldn't do anything. I don't understand! Where was all my bravado? Why did the badass protector in me retreat? Why could I not stop this?? Why couldn't I protect myself??? I sit and I cry and I truly don't know... I always had that misguided thought that "oh, that could never happen to me" and "oh, I know I could fight back". And then, this horror DID happen to me. And I couldn't do anything. I couldn't stop it. It's like I shrank into myself and a part of me died while this was happening. The physical violation doesn't even compare to the emotional and mental violation. I just don't understand. I wrote above about my stupid little badass personality. Where the hell was it when I actually needed it??? Does anyone have any idea why I allowed this to happen to myself?? Please! Someone tell me! I don't understand it!! I feel so ashamed and so disgusted... I can't even force the words out of my mouth. And I truly wish that this was something that I could shove into a file in the back of my mind and lock the door on it. But I can't. I just can't stop feeling like it's my fault that I couldn't stop it...