Poly Relationships

[FemmeWriter]

This is a rough subject for me. I've always known myself to be monogomous, with no judgment held toward poly-anything. My sister is poly and it's nothing new or shocking to me. What consenting adults do is their business. Part of me even envied her the freedom.

But now I'm in a marriage where, thanks to fighting and emotional roller-coaster riding, our passion is pretty much nil. This is a problem that doesn't seem to be getting better and so we've opened the relationship, both to allow her an avenue to express her past needs to cheat (in prior relationships) and my need to not retire sexually at 37.

We love each other. We've promised super discretion--a tactic that has worked for friends for over a decade--and yet I'm mourning as if I've lost my relationship. My brain tells me that being poly is fine. But I can't get over that this isn't where I wanted to be at this point in my life.

I suppose I'll change my mind once I meet someone I'd be willing to be intimate with, but like I said, I have to mourn first, and THEN get on with my life.

So I appreciate all the advice here. It's given me a lot to think about.

[girl_dee]

Originally Posted by FemmeWriter

This is a rough subject for me. I've always known myself to be monogomous, with no judgment held toward poly-anything. My sister is poly and it's nothing new or shocking to me. What consenting adults do is their business. Part of me even envied her the freedom.

But now I'm in a marriage where, thanks to fighting and emotional roller-coaster riding, our passion is pretty much nil. This is a problem that doesn't seem to be getting better and so we've opened the relationship, both to allow her an avenue to express her past needs to cheat (in prior relationships) and my need to not retire sexually at 37.

We love each other. We've promised super discretion--a tactic that has worked for friends for over a decade--and yet I'm mourning as if I've lost my relationship. My brain tells me that being poly is fine. But I can't get over that this isn't where I wanted to be at this point in my life.

I suppose I'll change my mind once I meet someone I'd be willing to be intimate with, but like I said, I have to mourn first, and THEN get on with my life.

So I appreciate all the advice here. It's given me a lot to think about.

If it's not where you want to be, then why do it? Poly does not fix problems, being poly is a LOT of work without using it to fix things.

Best of luck to you.

[atomiczombie]

Originally Posted by Cajun_dee

If it's not where you want to be, then why do it? Poly does not fix problems, being poly is a LOT of work without using it to fix things.

Best of luck to you.

I totally agree. Being poly is not a way to fix a bad relationship.

[kannon]

Originally Posted by FemmeWriter

This is a rough subject for me. I've always known myself to be monogomous, with no judgment held toward poly-anything. My sister is poly and it's nothing new or shocking to me. What consenting adults do is their business. Part of me even envied her the freedom.

But now I'm in a marriage where, thanks to fighting and emotional roller-coaster riding, our passion is pretty much nil. This is a problem that doesn't seem to be getting better and so we've opened the relationship, both to allow her an avenue to express her past needs to cheat (in prior relationships) and my need to not retire sexually at 37.

We love each other. We've promised super discretion--a tactic that has worked for friends for over a decade--and yet I'm mourning as if I've lost my relationship. My brain tells me that being poly is fine. But I can't get over that this isn't where I wanted to be at this point in my life.

I suppose I'll change my mind once I meet someone I'd be willing to be intimate with, but like I said, I have to mourn first, and THEN get on with my life.

So I appreciate all the advice here. It's given me a lot to think about.

Are you capable of having a sexually intimate relationship without developing feelings for the person? Some women struggle with this.

[princessbelle]

Originally Posted by FemmeWriter

This is a rough subject for me. I've always known myself to be monogomous, with no judgment held toward poly-anything. My sister is poly and it's nothing new or shocking to me. What consenting adults do is their business. Part of me even envied her the freedom.

But now I'm in a marriage where, thanks to fighting and emotional roller-coaster riding, our passion is pretty much nil. This is a problem that doesn't seem to be getting better and so we've opened the relationship, both to allow her an avenue to express her past needs to cheat (in prior relationships) and my need to not retire sexually at 37.

We love each other. We've promised super discretion--a tactic that has worked for friends for over a decade--and yet I'm mourning as if I've lost my relationship. My brain tells me that being poly is fine. But I can't get over that this isn't where I wanted to be at this point in my life.

I suppose I'll change my mind once I meet someone I'd be willing to be intimate with, but like I said, I have to mourn first, and THEN get on with my life.

So I appreciate all the advice here. It's given me a lot to think about.

Girl. I wasn't going to respond to this but you did say you welcomed advice. Speaking from someone who had an experience in "going poly" because my relationship was in trouble. It didn't work. More than that, it was horrible. It was hell on earth and just lingered for our relationship to end when it should have ended way before that point.

I am an optimist and it is hard to even type that in response to you. But, wow i see some similarities in what you are saying here. Honestly, i'm worried about you. I wouldn't want anyone to feel the pain i went through with a poly relationship for a fix.

I do believe in poly relationships however, but i certainly don't think they are for everyone for any time in any relationship.

Just wanted to reach out to you, and ask you to really think about it. Love is great but it's not everything. If you are in an unhealthy relationship right now, going this route may only cause you way more pain. I repeat. Way more.

My opinion, of course.

Best of luck.

[Sachita]

Originally Posted by princessbelle

Girl. I wasn't going to respond to this but you did say you welcomed advice. Speaking from someone who had an experience in "going poly" because my relationship was in trouble. It didn't work. More than that, it was horrible. It was hell on earth and just lingered for our relationship to end when it should have ended way before that point.

I am an optimist and it is hard to even type that in response to you. But, wow i see some similarities in what you are saying here. Honestly, i'm worried about you. I wouldn't want anyone to feel the pain i went through with a poly relationship for a fix.

I do believe in poly relationships however, but i certainly don't think they are for everyone for any time in any relationship.

Just wanted to reach out to you, and ask you to really think about it. Love is great but it's not everything. If you are in an unhealthy relationship right now, going this route may only cause you way more pain. I repeat. Way more.

My opinion, of course.

Best of luck.

I remember reading about this in another thread. Big hugz. It;'s true what everyone says- if you don't really feel a poly connection and if monogamy is where you're at then its totally fine. You don't elect poly to fix a relationship but to add to it. Very big difference.

[princessbelle]

Originally Posted by Sachita

I remember reading about this in another thread. Big hugz. It;'s true what everyone says- if you don't really feel a poly connection and if monogamy is where you're at then its totally fine. You don't elect poly to fix a relationship but to add to it. Very big difference.

Thanks Sachita. I don't mean to keep repeating myself which i know i do. All of that is way in my past but, when i see a sister or brother heading down a road i've been, i can't help but try and reach out.

I suppose that's what older people do...rinse and repeat...at least in thoughts. LOL.

[Sachita]

Originally Posted by princessbelle

Thanks Sachita. I don't mean to keep repeating myself which i know i do. All of that is way in my past but, when i see a sister or brother heading down a road i've been, i can't help but try and reach out.

I suppose that's what older people do...rinse and repeat...at least in thoughts. LOL.

Darling you should repeat yourself. that is the beauty of exchange and sharing and IMO the reason for discussion. I love your candid exchange. Don't ever stop sharing your experiences.


I might can do poly. I sit on the fence with it mainly because I know how complex it can be. It';s not an easy solution nor can it fix anything. In fact, although not an expert, mind you, I feel it is a choice for some. I love the idea of it but wonder about the execution of it. Under the right circumstances I see it as a beautiful and wonderful thing but in most people's reality it is scary and complex dynamic.

[girl_dee]

Poly is complex and complicated but with the right people and dynamic it's WONDERFUL.

Syr and I had no idea just how wired we were for poly. My Sister wife is the one who brought to our attention that over the years we all had really been poly, even though I was long distance. She and Syr together for 16 years, Syr and her bois longer than that. Not all members of a poly household have sex, like Syr and her bois. Syr has been Daddi to them for about 20 years. I admired that she was capable of loving people in close relationships for long periods of time. It is an easy transition to meld into the household when you have the grace and love of all of those involved. I was not a new toy Syr brought home without the consent of her wife. Her wife is the one who asked for me, saying that Syr and I loved each other respectfully and platonically for years but it was ok if we wanted to nurture that, and before I knew it, we were all in this thing together. She said she always loved how Syr cared for me, and vice versa and didn't see a reason for that to ever end.

We deal with issues but compared to most mono couples we have it really good! We talk, talk, talk, respect and lean on each other. It's a wonderful connection we all have, we play, we cry, we laugh together.

Some want people a new partner added to the union so they can have sex with multiple partners. That is not always the case. We have our fun but the bond with my Sister, Syr's bois and Syr of course is what draws me to this lifestyle. I want the family.

[Leigh]

I really like hearing about how loving your household is Dee

[Leigh]

I'm actually glad that this thread has popped up because I have been thinking about going poly for a long time, and I've met someone that I've been getting to know over the past couple of weeks (not from this site) who is poly. Hy is female in body but identifies more as a male, and is married to a bio man who is also poly. They are open about everything and so far I've felt a very deep connection to the person I am talking to. Hy is just the sweetest guy; we seem to have connected on a very deep level so far and I am simply taking things one day at a time. I can say one thing for sure .......... from what I know of hym so far, hy is simply amazing and I'm on cloud nine :-)

[Apocalipstic]

Originally Posted by FemmeWriter

This is a rough subject for me. I've always known myself to be monogomous, with no judgment held toward poly-anything. My sister is poly and it's nothing new or shocking to me. What consenting adults do is their business. Part of me even envied her the freedom.

But now I'm in a marriage where, thanks to fighting and emotional roller-coaster riding, our passion is pretty much nil. This is a problem that doesn't seem to be getting better and so we've opened the relationship, both to allow her an avenue to express her past needs to cheat (in prior relationships) and my need to not retire sexually at 37.

We love each other. We've promised super discretion--a tactic that has worked for friends for over a decade--and yet I'm mourning as if I've lost my relationship. My brain tells me that being poly is fine. But I can't get over that this isn't where I wanted to be at this point in my life.

I suppose I'll change my mind once I meet someone I'd be willing to be intimate with, but like I said, I have to mourn first, and THEN get on with my life.

So I appreciate all the advice here. It's given me a lot to think about.

I am very attracted to the idea of poly and with the right people think it could work really well for me. I also was in a long term relationship where we added a third person and it was wonderful for a while until the problems in the initial relationship reared their head.

If you are turned off due to someone elses behavior adding someone is not going to make you more attracted to that person, its going to make you obsessed with the first person who is sweet to you...and maybe that is what needs to happen.

Either it will work, or it will end your now relationship with more drama because more people will be involved.

But it can and does work for some people. Healthy people who have not already stopped having sex due to resentment and anger.

I always have enjoyed living in a plural setting where I am the Momi. Always been happiest when its ended up like that even without sex involved or sex with one or two of the people. I never at the time called it poly, but thats what it was.

Whatever you decide to do remember to take really good care of you!

[girl_dee]

Originally Posted by Apocalipstic

I am very attracted to the idea of poly and with the right people think it could work really well for me. I also was in a long term relationship where we added a third person and it was wonderful for a while until the problems in the initial relationship reared their head.

If you are turned off due to someone elses behavior adding someone is not going to make you more attracted to that person, its going to make you obsessed with the first person who is sweet to you...and maybe that is what needs to happen.

Either it will work, or it will end your now relationship with more drama because more people will be involved.

But it can and does work for some people. Healthy people who have not already stopped having sex due to resentment and anger.

I always have enjoyed living in a plural setting where I am the Momi. Always been happiest when its ended up like that even without sex involved or sex with one or two of the people. I never at the time called it poly, but thats what it was.

Whatever you decide to do remember to take really good care of you!

This is what I feel is Polyamory. Not committed by marriage to partners but totally in love with them, sex or no sex.

We also live in the kink world so play comes into play. When we play together as a family, wow the bond even stronger.

I keep sayin, the family that plays together stays together.

[FemmeWriter]

Thanks, all, for the wisdom. I agree...poly-anything isn't going to fix a broken relationship. We've talked and I made my discomfort known and flat out admitted that having an open relationship isn't where we need to be right now. I don't want it and neither does she. If we did, it would be more because we've stopped caring, in a sense, and what good is that? So we've closed that door and instead will work on repairing the dings and dents we've both created.

Thanks for the support. It really helped soothe my battered spirit.

[Apocalipstic]

Originally Posted by FemmeWriter

Thanks, all, for the wisdom. I agree...poly-anything isn't going to fix a broken relationship. We've talked and I made my discomfort known and flat out admitted that having an open relationship isn't where we need to be right now. I don't want it and neither does she. If we did, it would be more because we've stopped caring, in a sense, and what good is that? So we've closed that door and instead will work on repairing the dings and dents we've both created.

Thanks for the support. It really helped soothe my battered spirit.

I hope everything works out! Take care of you first!

[DamonK]

We are poly.

I have another person as well as MBE.

MBE is looking for another.

For us, it is not critical that we all have a relationship. We all have to get along, meaning her partners and me and vice versa.

Let's just say I'm dating X and she's dating Y. We want everyone to get along, but right now, we're not necessarily looking for a family situation.

Are there a couple of people that we could see in our family? Absolutely.

For us, we know that we cannot fill the other's needs entirely. She's my slave. I cannot be her Daddy. Therefore, that's what she's looking for. She knows the energy that I have fulfilled in my separate relationship and is fine with it.

[girl_dee]

Originally Posted by DamonK

We are poly.

I have another person as well as MBE.

MBE is looking for another.

For us, it is not critical that we all have a relationship. We all have to get along, meaning her partners and me and vice versa.

Let's just say I'm dating X and she's dating Y. We want everyone to get along, but right now, we're not necessarily looking for a family situation.

Are there a couple of people that we could see in our family? Absolutely.

For us, we know that we cannot fill the other's needs entirely. She's my slave. I cannot be her Daddy. Therefore, that's what she's looking for. She knows the energy that I have fulfilled in my separate relationship and is fine with it.

Hi Damon !

I think it's great that you can do this. It takes a great deal of maturity and
patience, and security to do this.

I think it takes a great deal of love and security to say "I'm not Daddi/Mommy/Sir/Mistress etc, so if you find that outside of us I am
Ok with that" I know it's not as simple as that but getting to that point
is pretty mature.

[Sachita]

Originally Posted by FemmeWriter

Thanks, all, for the wisdom. I agree...poly-anything isn't going to fix a broken relationship. We've talked and I made my discomfort known and flat out admitted that having an open relationship isn't where we need to be right now. I don't want it and neither does she. If we did, it would be more because we've stopped caring, in a sense, and what good is that? So we've closed that door and instead will work on repairing the dings and dents we've both created.

Thanks for the support. It really helped soothe my battered spirit.

if sexual passion was there once it can be again. It always requires some work. Like a plant it can't exist without being nourished. Sometimes you gotta dig real deep and find things to awaken. Forget about the pressure of orgasm but focus on the lighthearted joy of intimacy, adventure and exploring something new. It took some time to create this distance and it will take time to repair it.

get a little wild with each other.

[Sachita]

Originally Posted by Apocalipstic

I am very attracted to the idea of poly and with the right people think it could work really well for me. I also was in a long term relationship where we added a third person and it was wonderful for a while until the problems in the initial relationship reared their head.

If you are turned off due to someone elses behavior adding someone is not going to make you more attracted to that person, its going to make you obsessed with the first person who is sweet to you...and maybe that is what needs to happen.

Either it will work, or it will end your now relationship with more drama because more people will be involved.

But it can and does work for some people. Healthy people who have not already stopped having sex due to resentment and anger.

I always have enjoyed living in a plural setting where I am the Momi. Always been happiest when its ended up like that even without sex involved or sex with one or two of the people. I never at the time called it poly, but thats what it was.

Whatever you decide to do remember to take really good care of you!

you can be the momi and I'll be the daddi! Together we can have lots of boi's and girls. I'm not sure if it's just my natural dominance or what but I have all this masculine energy!

I think for me a poly family would be within the structure of D/s. I would need to be in control and the people I'm involved with would need to enjoy/need my direction. I view myself a lot like Dee's Syr in that I am more a femme daddi type who looks over her children/slave/pets.

I can be aloof and seem distant at times. This is hard for someone submissive who adores me and always looking for my approval or attention. It's just who i am. In my mind I am focused, thinking, fueling my drive and building our home & future. I am an excellent provider but I need space to refuel. I think it would be nice for my primary to have a sister or brother- so to speak. Someone they can talk to, hang out with, share and play. I am definitely open to this, however the first sign of drama I'm afraid I'd blow my top. I have friends who are tops in poly arrangements who have complex situations arise. Mostly slaves teaming up and displaying passive aggressive behavior. I can handle mistakes and someone in a crappy mood but the first moment someone displays passive aggressive behavior or a bad attitude I distance myself and they have to jump through major hoops to get my attention again. If it continues I show them the door.


IMO, from what I have seen in MY circles, poly relationships seem to work best within a D/s framework or at least when there is a natural order to things.

[girl_dee]

Originally Posted by Sachita

you can be the momi and I'll be the daddi! Together we can have lots of boi's and girls. I'm not sure if it's just my natural dominance or what but I have all this masculine energy!

I think for me a poly family would be within the structure of D/s. I would need to be in control and the people I'm involved with would need to enjoy/need my direction. I view myself a lot like Dee's Syr in that I am more a femme daddi type who looks over her children/slave/pets.

I can be aloof and seem distant at times. This is hard for someone submissive who adores me and always looking for my approval or attention. It's just who i am. In my mind I am focused, thinking, fueling my drive and building our home & future. I am an excellent provider but I need space to refuel. I think it would be nice for my primary to have a sister or brother- so to speak. Someone they can talk to, hang out with, share and play. I am definitely open to this, however the first sign of drama I'm afraid I'd blow my top. I have friends who are tops in poly arrangements who have complex situations arise. Mostly slaves teaming up and displaying passive aggressive behavior. I can handle mistakes and someone in a crappy mood but the first moment someone displays passive aggressive behavior or a bad attitude I distance myself and they have to jump through major hoops to get my attention again. If it continues I show them the door.


IMO, from what I have seen in MY circles, poly relationships seem to work best within a D/s framework or at least when there is a natural order to things.

Exactly! Syr is, and has been the alpha at all times, no matter what. That is the natural order. That is not to say we do not have a voice, of course we do, and She consults us on issues all the time. Sometimes I realize that She is actually informing me, not asking me until I hear *I didn't ask for your opinion, but thank you *

She is a female identified butch. We are all *she* including Syr and the bois. It's feels very natural to me. This family has evolved over a period of 20 years, well before the inception of BF forums and Second Life dictating what labels we *should be* using to describe masculine women. It feels right for me being in a Matriarchal family.

We do not have what I call *drama*, we each have issues yes of course. We all evolve of course, we act accordingly. We give each other space to grow with Syr's guidance. There is no attitudes towards each other here, and if something is bothering us we talk about it. Some times it's just a personality quirk that we have to deal with, (aka "get the fuck over it") and sometimes it's a real issue that has to be addressed. You have to have personalities in the household that are gracious and respectful. Immature and self centered people would not do well here. Sometimes a shit stirrer can be the one who seems like the most loyal and respectful, that's not always the case. Sometimes people have an agenda. That would never fly here.

Syr expects us to handle ourselves with each other without Her needing to intervene, and we do. She also knows that a calm household is a happy household and facilitates that.

My Sister wife and I also work together. She graciously hired me to work in her clinic doing bodywork, which adds a very unusual dynamic. She is the boss at work and I respect that, and enjoy it. I get to show up, take care of my clients, and go home. I do have a voice there and stand my ground when I need to, as I would any other job. I contribute to the household finances and receive an allowance from Syr like I always have. If I need anything of course, it comes out of the *pot* which we all contribute to. We are very blessed here financially, but it doesn't come without the work that it takes to make it so. I am learning to ask for things when I want them and not feel like a burden, always something new to learn!