Eating Disorders ~

[sylvie]

Originally Posted by aishah

yeah. i've been in recovery for about five years now and i still have a hard time turning the calorie tracking part of my brain off :\ it's so frustrating because the numbers are everywhere - even nowadays they're putting them on restaurant and cafe menus. it really frustrates me when i go to someplace like panera or starbucks and the calorie count is listed next to the dish.

Hi Aishah! Welcome..
5 years in Recovery is wonderful! April will mark one year for me i think, need to go back and check on my blog, but a lot of ups & downs - i'm still learning, i've yet to work the steps.. Small steps, but getting there..Definitely a lot of progress in this year...and quite the way to go..

i agree, it is hard to see calories written everywhere, but i know that's something that won't change. So i'm struggling to find ways around that or change my mind somehow, it might always be a struggle.. i was looking through recipes in a book i have and was getting way caught up in the calories as well, or when i research exercises i get caught up in calories burned.. But i'm trying to stop one thing at a time, so right now, as long as i'm not hauling out my calculator or a piece of paper and doing the Math i know i'm on the right track..

(((hugggs to you)))
Thank you for sharing!

[sylvie]

Had a bit of a challenging night last night..
Worked on taking my abstinence list (which was 2 pages long) down to half a page of only the items i would binge...
And am trying to make good decisions about the foods i eat, rather than remaining abstinent from them...

While being free of a 2 page abstinence list is a wonderful thing.. the obsessing over foods i put in my mouth and then beat myself up over is making me crazy.. i get very hard on myself but i know it's necessary to do for this Intuitive Eating program i am doing.. Why is it so hard to let go of things? Because it felt like a safety net for me to have all of those foods on that list , and having myself convinced it was an absolute no-no..

So now, i need to learn to let go.. Easier said than done..

In other news, i now have a blog where i post occasionally, about this journey i am on, if anyone wants to see..
http://a-sylly-journey.blogspot.com/ ... Not just about the eating disorder, but also building my self esteem, my weight loss journey, that sort of stuff..

Lastly, i finally received my 12x12 workbook, and have started working the steps.. Am on step one, intense stuff... And i've only just begun..i am working on this workbook along with my Sponsor..
No wonder my emotions are all over the place these days!
This morning i woke up, and decided i needed some 'me' time just to get myself in a better mindset about all of this.. So after my workout, i ran myself a nice hot, relaxing bubble bath, and pampered myself for almost an hour.. i meditated, i read some, and now i'm ready to go to work and take on the day , and take all of this stuff on as well..

Think i just needed to get right with myself, and a good night's sleep, a warm drink & some meditation helped last night too..

i feel recharged.. needed that!

[ScandalAndy]

This is the first time I've read this thread. I know why I was avoiding it. I am still constantly counting, always writing and calculating, and berating myself for going over my numbers. I've done nothing but gain for the past 20 years. I don't understand recovery. I know I do okay for a while, but somehow always slip back into knowing that I need to toughen up and crack down on my eating because I hate how I perceive myself. I'm feeling very anxious right now because you're all so strong and so positive, and I am too afraid to let go of my precious numbers. But I am here, and I am reading, and I am in awe of every single one of you.

[dark_crystal]

Originally Posted by ScandalAndy

This is the first time I've read this thread. I know why I was avoiding it. I am still constantly counting, always writing and calculating, and berating myself for going over my numbers. I've done nothing but gain for the past 20 years. I don't understand recovery. I know I do okay for a while, but somehow always slip back into knowing that I need to toughen up and crack down on my eating because I hate how I perceive myself. I'm feeling very anxious right now because you're all so strong and so positive, and I am too afraid to let go of my precious numbers. But I am here, and I am reading, and I am in awe of every single one of you.

{{{{hugs}}}}
i know how it feels to think "I don't understand recovery." i knew i was in trouble for a year and a half before i sought treatment, because it just seemed impossible that any other way existed.

i will say that one thing i have learned about "toughening up and cracking down" is: letting go of that constant focus on eating less will eventually cause you to eat less. I trick myself with that whenever i start obsessing: "I need to eat less, therefore i better stop thinking about eating less." Because in my case all i really need to do is leave myself alone

[Soft*Silver]

In my 20s and 30s I was bulimorexic. It got to the point where I was throwing up 20 some times a day and also not swallowing my own spit (I read where someone else didnt do this as well). I went into counseling, and stopped the majority of it but have at times, relapsed on and off for a day or so, here and there. But after I came back from NH, after my relapse, after the feeling SO out of control and hopeless, I would indeed overeat and purge. But binging and purging in your 50s is not like binging and purging in your 20s and 30s. I went downhill physically. I was already very sick, and had a huge hiatal hernia from doing this decades ago, and now, it was life threatening. I had to have it repaired. Well, the first surgery didnt work so I had to go in the second time and this time, I had to have 3/4 of my stumach removed. I also almost died from this surgery because of blood clots and leakage.

I have dropped weight because it was essentially a gastric bypass surgery, a sleeve. Have I dropped alot of weight. Some. Not alot. But enough. I really am not obsessed with weight like I use to be in m 20s and 30s. I like the plusness of my body and the roundness of my curves. It aggravates me when people tell me my surgery didnt work, all because I didnt become a size 10. I wouldnt know what to do with myself as a size 10! I am a 16/18 and very very happy with my body.

But I still love food and use it as a drug. I am scheduled to see a dietician next week at my Drs. I am also doing therapy in general and this has helped alot. We dont focus on weight because its not a major issue. Its a symptom, now, of other things that are getting really out of control, like my daughter's influence in my life. I eat to sedate. To hide. To feel good. Even if I cant eat alot because I no longer have the vessel to put it in, I still turn to food to medicate...

[sylvie]

Originally Posted by Miss_Tia

I have dropped weight because it was essentially a gastric bypass surgery, a sleeve. Have I dropped alot of weight. Some. Not alot. But enough. I really am not obsessed with weight like I use to be in m 20s and 30s. I like the plusness of my body and the roundness of my curves. It aggravates me when people tell me my surgery didnt work, all because I didnt become a size 10. I wouldnt know what to do with myself as a size 10! I am a 16/18 and very very happy with my body.

Welcome & good for you !!
i have grown up with a lot of body issues, and am only just starting to build some self confidence where that is concerned.. So wonderful that you are happy with your body - that's so important and it makes me gitty happy when someone (whether a size 3 or a size 26) is comfortable in their skin, confident and happy.. i was very obsessed with my weight a year ago (and every year prior to that), and it wasn't so much about being 98 lbs heavier than i am now, as much as it was about the low self esteem i had .. i am 217 lbs now, and am much more comfortable in my skin these days.. Definitely not about the weight lost as it is about getting to know myself inside and out, learning to appreciate the skin i am in and accepting and loving my imperfections. i am still trying to lose weight, but that's for health reasons, because today, i know i am beautiful, sexy and love seeing and feeling it.. And i have curves, and proud of them too.

[sylvie]

This week, i had to make a couple of changes to my POE (plan of eating)..

- Crackers ... It's been hard to admit this but i have zero control over crackers of any kind.. While i don't binge them in one sitting, i do pick at them through the day, enough so i notice the package or box all finished come the end of the day.. When i binged, i could easily have eaten 2-3 packages and not thought anything of it, and so while i'm not eating the amount i was, it's still a high amount and i could feel myself getting back to old behaviors by doing so..

i can really relate with how easy it would be to relapse.. i hear of people talking about relapsing and having to work the steps and the program all over again.. When i would eat the crackers, i would grab four and eat them but stuff another few someplace so i could grab at them easily... Then in a couple of hours, i would do the same thing.. again, then again.. sigh.. The crunch and salt of them of course help me with my potato chip cravings.. But, what i wasn't recognizing was that i continue to have these cravings, because of this behavior.. So, i've added snack crackers, soda crackers and ritz crackers to my abstinence list.. Actually, any crackers, period.. A lot of days i might be strong enough *not* to do this, but.. the fact i did, and kept myself in denial is why i had to stop..

- Also, yogurt.. the dessert selections yogurts.. a little higher in sugar, but ohhhh i only had one and spent 3 days craving some serious sugar... Back to regular flavored yogurts for me.. i just can't handle those at all..

- Lastly, back to portioning and measuring and working on *not* obsessing the numbers.. However, i know that portioning and measuring is healthy if i stay in the right mindframe about it.. When i don't measure and portion my foods, i fall off track too often with the amounts i'm eating, and my behaviors start again from the overeating..i find myself craving more, and wanting to purge more.. Everyday lately, i have been fighting off the urge to purge.. It makes me crazy when i feel i overeat and have that "food hangover" feeling, and i can't purge it.. So this is something that helps me keep that at bay..

And something else that works for me, is always.. always ..pre-planning my meals the day before..

[girl_dee]

Originally Posted by ScandalAndy

This is the first time I've read this thread. I know why I was avoiding it. I am still constantly counting, always writing and calculating, and berating myself for going over my numbers. I've done nothing but gain for the past 20 years. I don't understand recovery. I know I do okay for a while, but somehow always slip back into knowing that I need to toughen up and crack down on my eating because I hate how I perceive myself. I'm feeling very anxious right now because you're all so strong and so positive, and I am too afraid to let go of my precious numbers. But I am here, and I am reading, and I am in awe of every single one of you.

(((((((((( you )))))))))

don't think that you are alone! Most of us are holding on to something.

[Chancie]

I guess I'm only as sick as my secrets.

I am a compulsive overeater and a bulimic, and I have been in recovery for about 24 years.

I haven't made myself throw up in about 13 years.

I have been struggling with bingeing which does make me want to purge.

The structure of local meetings is too rigid for me and I am thinking about an outpatient rehab program.

[sylvie]

It always does my heart such good to see participation in this thread !!
You all play a huge role in not only our recovery, but the ones who don't post in here for all to see.. so thank you all for sharing such a personal side of yourselves...

A little update on me:
Everyday is still a struggle.. The desire to binge, the desire to purge.. i am convinced that never goes away.. But right now what i find increasingly difficult, is that i get overly obsessive.. About foods, definitely.. About numbers as well.. But, lately i am finding other things to get really obsessive about in order to try and get away from obsessing food..

i can completely understand how some people have gone from one addiction to another, it wouldn't be that hard at all..But lately, what i obsess the most is my recovery, believe it or not.. Everyday, i throw myself into the books, the meetings, the email support groups.. i read, i answer questions, i dig and i dig.. Which is all GOOD stuff. However, when i am balancing a household, working full time hours, running errands - putting hours and hours of recovery work in is exhausting the hell out of me.. i get emotional, i get bent and then the vicious cycle begins.. and if i don't put in so much work, i get so hard on myself.. When i get hard on myself, i obsess, when i obsess i set myself up.. And when i set myself up, my whole damn day is shot .. Because i spend that day (or many more days) trying to work through that issue, and balance everything mentioned above..

Also, my OCD has gotten much worse than it's ever been (housework, for instance....my oh my..) It's not a good thing either, i'm already a cleaning addict, but when something is out of order, unorganized or well.. if i have no control on how the house will look when i get home from work, for instance.. my whole day becomes an upset.. And i'll spend my time tidying and cleaning - but even worse, the fretting and the being hard on myself.. i have 2 teenagers, that definitely don't clean to my standards, lol.. So the house will never be as perfect as i want it, unless they aren't home and everything is how i left it..

So i'm really struggling with the obsessiveness of the disease right now.. i know i need to be easier on myself - easier said than done.. i have put some things into motion as far as the teenagers go.. They are 16 and almost 19, and it's time they help Mom out - they don't like the rules put in place and certainly aren't happy i'm sticking with it, but things have to change.. In the meantime though, i really need to work through this challenge of mine..

i still do great with using my daily tools..
i'm attending meetings daily, see my dietician and doctor regularly..
i am working the steps, in my workbook, reading literature, and working with a Sponsor also..

i do feel i've come a long way in a year, but i also know i've a long way to go.
This 'is' a lifetime commitment, and very grateful for each of you who share your journey and ESH as well.. It makes a world of difference for me to have this support, advice and some place to turn and ramble these thoughts..

~~~~~~~~

(((Chancie & MsTinkerbelly))) Welcome!
& Aishah, thank you so much for the informaion & links, so appreciated!

[dark_crystal]

Body dysphoria is freaky, ya'll

I my recovery weight stabilized last January and has been the same ever since no matter what i ate or did not eat or burned or did not burn

(set point theory is true!)

However in the last 2 months i have worn 3 different sizes of underwear. I bought some yesterday that are two sizes smaller than the ones i bought in February and one size smaller than the ones i bought in March

Why is my underwear size changing when my body is not?

Because the way i percieve my body is not related to reality!

Although it does seem to be getting closer since the sizes are going down

[sylvie]

Originally Posted by ScandalAndy

This is the first time I've read this thread. I know why I was avoiding it. I am still constantly counting, always writing and calculating, and berating myself for going over my numbers. I've done nothing but gain for the past 20 years. I don't understand recovery. I know I do okay for a while, but somehow always slip back into knowing that I need to toughen up and crack down on my eating because I hate how I perceive myself. I'm feeling very anxious right now because you're all so strong and so positive, and I am too afraid to let go of my precious numbers. But I am here, and I am reading, and I am in awe of every single one of you.

((((huge huggs))))
i know i avoided making this thread & then i finally pushed myself to.. Having done so, i rarely post in it, because i get anxious and am scared as well.. and in all honesty, i struggle with my recovery every single day still.. i still hang on to numbers, i still set myself up and i still am battling that inner bully and critic that just looooves to pick me apart and make me feel badly.. So i totally understand, and i know everyone here does as well.. You aren't alone... The reason i created this thread, was so i had a place to come at the end of a day , whether to celebrate any success or to share my challenges, because for me, sharing it helps me as much as it might help others..i didn't know if anyone would post, or not.. Hoped so, though!

After having posted in here, i have gotten alot of advice from people (who don't post publicly) as well as the people who do post publicly in this thread, and it's all been very helpful to me.. The fact you posted in here today might even feel like having taken a first step for you, i know it did for me when i did - it's so hard to put it out here for all to see, and moreso even harder to be honest with ourselves.. and that's something we all understand here.. Give yourself a pat on the back for that .

i am only in the beginning stages of Recovery myself, and i totally get the mixed emotions and confusion.. It's so easy to be hard on ourselves.. Post here anytime, & message me anytime (& i'm sure the others here as well feel the same).. The support & understanding is wonderful here.. & i know it really helps bring me some understanding, and helps me know i'm not alone, and that in itself is a huge help.. ♥

[Daddislilgrrl]

My name is Daddislilgrrl aka Lisa. I am a compulsive overeater and I have been in program for 3.5 years now. I am on steroids for lymphocytic colitis and it's been impossible for me to lose weight. However, the peace and sanity I have thanks to a strong program has saved me from myself. I no longer carry the compulsion to overeat, and I eat within my Plan of Eating. I don't believe in diets cuz frankly, they have never worked for me. I am also a gastric bypass patient who's bypass went horribly wrong.

I hope to talk to people who understand. Thanks for reading me and I would love to participate more.

Hugs and love,
Lisa

[sylvie]

Welcome Lisa ..

3.5 years, that's wonderful, good for you!
i am currently working step one of the program in the workbook and i have strong days and challenging days - i am working on a stronger plan of eating as well with my sponsor and attending meetings as often as i can. Diets never work for me either, so far the program is helping me so much, i still have a lot of self-honesty and feelings to deal with i think ..
Please do share and participate more, we'd love to hear more from you!

(((hugggs)))

[sylvie]

Damn emotional rollercoasters..

Right now, i am struggling with showing my emotions and feelings..
This week has been difficult.. In my recovery work, i shared with a group one thing about my feelings on something, and i hit send..
i couldn't get it back, people could read it, and panic set in...

i feel so overwhelmed, my character defects are so highly protected by me, i hold them close still.. i am still working on Step One in the workbook, and sometimes i feel like i am doing so good and then something happens to remind me that i still have so much to work through..

i know this isn't easy stuff..i also know it can't be rushed and i have to take it at the pace i need. (which is a very, slow.. long.. pace, apparently) or feels like it..

Guilt, i am loaded with so much guilt, about so many things.. Some of it healthy, most of it unhealthy things to feel guilt about.. So, that is why i panic when it comes to sharing my feelings.. a/i worry about what others think of me and what i say far too much and b/i have stuffed it all in since childhood and internalize , internalize, internalize..

So breaking through this well protected layer of myself has been challenging, and will continue to be challenging.. i come in here and share bits & pieces of my journey and recovery even though it feels so completely embarrassing because i know i learn from doing so as much as others might too. It keeps me accountable, and keeps me moving forward when i acknowledge the imperfections... Much as i try and try and try to do things perfectly, i am finally starting to accept i will not do things perfectly because i am NOT perfect.. And it's okay to have flaws..

So, this week is about staying positive, keeping myself afloat despite emotions with my grandmothers and family stuff, and it's about self-care.. Taking care of me, because i deserve this recovery.. It's about working through this hard stuff, remembering i am NOT alone, and keeping it real.. So, it's time to get to sharing the hard stuff, here & on my blog.. Despite my feeling so ashamed over my past choices, and patting myself on the back for the hard work i have done this passed year already..

Please know, that there are always people who care around, i am one of those people... When there are hard days, or hard weeks, shoot me a message.. i know most don't & won't post in this thread (and that's soooo very okay!) because i am overjoyed that i'm trusted enough to be there for you, in whatever way you need that.. And thank you all, for being willing to be there for me too..

i know my journey of recovery is really only just beginning..
It's scary, it's emotional - but so needed..
*takes a deep breath*
i will be sharing the good, the bad & the ugly from now on..
saying this, now makes me accountable..

Reminder to myself in reading back: Take a deep breath, you've got this.