Can You Really Be Friends With An Ex?

[SugarFemme]

The way I see it, if you have loved someone enough at one time to become partners, love them enough to have a successful break-up unless there was violence or dishonesty. I prefer to leave a relationship before we get to the point where we can no longer tolerate one another. My daughters Father and I have been divorced for fourteen years and have remained very close. Doesn't mean we have not had our our "moments", but for the most part we are still close.

[Mr Nice Guy]

I tried but it didn't work.

[Queerasfck]

I'm not friends with any of my exes but if I could say something to one of them it would be that I do want my George Foreman portable gas grill back.

I'll never get over that!

[WolfyOne]

I haven't read all the posts

I do agree with Snowy

I'm friends with some of my exes. We started out as friends and ended our relationships on a good note, so why not continue the friendship. Often, I find that I make a better friend than a partner. I have fallen in love 3 times in my life and only one of those 3 could be trusted 100%. Her and I will be friends til the end. Some exes aren't even worth looking back and thinking about. Those would be the toxic ones. The ones that suck you dry while your eyes are open, but you're not fully aware of what's going on until it's too late. Never stay friends with an ex like that.

Ultimately, in the end, it's up to you. You can soak up all the responses you've got from us, do what your gut tells you or listen to your head and heart. There's always a reason why someone comes back into our lives. Don't judge, just listen and then decide. Decide if you're just in her life long enough to help her with her problem or if a true friendship can be had.

Good Luck to you Cuddles

[Quintease]

Friendly, but friend sometimes is impossible.

[Leigh]

I'm friends with one, otherwise no it never worked out

[Abigail Crabby]

Yep, can, and am with a couple of exes - we loved, we laughed, things happened, we ended......

Still respect them and can still chat an enjoy a friendship.

The Kidlettes Gram is an ex and still involved in her life and therefore we are involved with the Gram and her Wife....

I think if there was respect before - for me and I only speak for me I can stay friends with anyone I ever loved and respected......

[Gemme]

Originally Posted by Cuddles

The more replies I read and the more I take them into consideration the more I lean towards one decision over the other.

I agree with The_Lady_Snow that boundaries are probably something I lacked in this past relationship.

I think a part of the reason I wanted to talk to her again when she reached out was that I am in a lonely place right now, relationship-wise. But that doesn't erase the past and it's something I don't wish to ever repeat.

I've only ever been in two serious relationships and the first one we've not spoken in many years. That was her wish because she told me it was all or nothing and being so young and inexperienced I was not ready to commit.

I want to believe, and I know it's true for many, that you can be friends with an ex... but I don't think it's true for all ex's. Sigh...

You considering this while being 'lonely' is like going to the grocery store when you're hungry.

Be careful!

[Gemme]

Originally Posted by Cuddles

Well that went better than I thought.

She seemed to just really want someone to talk to. We didn't bring up anything too personal that would've stirred up a pot.

However... I'm not going to pursue a friendship with her. I've decided it's just not worth the risk. I don't want anyone to get hurt, her or myself.

It might very well be possible to be just friends with her... but I do sense a vulnerability in me and I don't want to have to work so hard to protect it.

Just knowing the little bit that we've been told here, I think that's probably a wise decision. Good for you for recognizing your tendency to rescue others and to be able to sit back and look at your options and past histories and talking with her recently in order to come to a decision that's best for you.

[StrongButch]

I am going to post this here and hope it gives you some peace : She always said,when someone is mean or says bad things about you,let it go,never fight back or defend yourself We are to be kind to them and instead only see the good things in others- Clara Honea Athabaskan Elder

[G Snap!]

I am not friends with any of my ex's. All (except one) turned into @sses and would end up saying something absolutely spiteful and hurtful, which just made me light up the match and burn that bridge.

I have always been in awe over others being friends with ex's. To get over the hurt and bad feelings and call them friend? Wow. I guess I am envious in a way because I am so unforgiving.

[chefhmboyrd]

my BFF is an ex.
Ex-wife
lol
and there's baby momma...


I am friends (not close) with several exes,
but most live in other parts of the country,
i am FB friends with several for sure...

We have all had our ups and downs,
good bad ugly happy sad or indifferent....
i think we can learn from each other, if we choose.
sometimes, learning is painful.

respect is the key
self respect first....
sometimes self respect commands you to just walk away.

[T4Texas]

sometimes self respect commands you to just walk away.

I used to be very proud of the fact that I was friends with my exes. That no matter the circumstance, I could put it behind me, take the high road and be forgiving. Unfortunately that has changed since having a difficult time with one of my exes. She planted the axe in my back so many times, I came to not be able to forgive her any further. It made me sad that I could not reconcile or even like her anymore because I never wanted it to turn out that way. I hate her now and hating is a strong word for me and not an emotion I carry for very many people. I think no matter how generous we try to be, you can only take so much of a person's lies and underhanded ways. I just had to accept that fact about her even though I didnt want to. I refuse to let anyone damage MY integrity and so self respect did command me to walk away for good.

[Julien]

Part of me says that I think that friends with the ex is a possibility being we're all adults, but reality says that too many hurt feelings get in the way. I have tried to be friends, but because of the feelings and unresolved issues on my part and hers, I don't think it is possible unless we can both let the past go. That is difficult to do. I've not run across, in my relationships at least, where the parting was friendly there is always some bit of damage done to one or the other. If we can get past that maybe we can be friends. I think time is the key to that, unless there is too much hurt to go around.

[theoddz]

I have one particular ex with whom I still, to this day (if I were still in contact with her), would be able to enjoy a wonderful, healthy friendship with. We didn't start out as friends, but in a smokey bar one night, a night that ended up with us jumping in bed for a one night stand. I was something like 22 years old then, and her 19. Things were kind of stormy after that, due to her being, well, 19 years old and just newly out on her own and newly "out".

We couldn't make a relationship work, probably due to nothing more than just pure immaturity....on both our parts. Thing is, we really liked each other!! I've always tended to be very much on the reserved, quiet side and she was the "wild child". Anyway, I also became good friends with her mother, and the rest of her family, too. I even called her mother "Mama". After about a year, I was almost just like a member of her family and always invited to dinner, holiday celebrations, etc.

When Brenda and I finally figured out that we couldn't make a relationship work, we couldn't quite let go of that special friendship we had, and of just pure *liking* each other. It was always like I'd always known her, been close to her, and almost like she was a bit of a sister to me. Anyway, after the romantic attachment was ended, Brenda and I decided that we both wanted to work hard to retain our friendship. It was a conscious choice and desire, on both our parts, to do this. You know what?? That friendship took more work...more honest-to-Pete W-O-R-K and dedication to develop, but we started with a firm foundation of L-I-K-E. That's important. I think that, when you try to build something like that, and there's water under another kind of bridge between you, you really, really have to work at and realize what you're trying to do, then keep that goal in perspective. Again, I don't want to endlessly repeat what others have said here, but I do think that a key point here is boundaries....and respect for each other.

To tell you the truth, I'm surprised to this day that, as immature as we were, emotionally, we were able to keep the friendship in focus and not let it stray onto each others' toes, but we did. We had the most beautiful of friendships, once all the feelings were put into perspective, and boundaries established and respected. I have to say that the love and friendship of her family was important here, too. Her mother, also my dear friend, helped me to understand Brenda better, and to deal with my own emotions of letting go of "that" part and learning to love my friend unconditionally. Brenda and I finally drifted apart and lost contact, but I still think of her a lot and wonder how she's doing. I know that, if I had her number, I could pick up that phone and my old dear friend would be on that other end of the line, just as happy to hear my voice (which has changed quite a bit!!) as I would be to hear hers.

Yes, I think you can build a helluva friendship with an ex, but you have to want it and you have to be BOTH willing to work at it. You also have to have a very healthy amount of respect and L-I-K-E for each other. It's easy to tell someone "I love you", but you need to be able to honestly say "I LIKE you" too. I guess that, for (at the time) two very young, inexperienced people, Brenda and I were pretty danged lucky to have had each other. We were even more fortunate to have had in each other two people who really loved and respected each other enough to want to work at *Liking* each other.

Good luck. I do hope it works out for you, whichever direction your paths take you.

~Theo~