Can You Really Be Friends With An Ex?

[StrongButch]

I am going to post this here and hope it gives you some peace : She always said,when someone is mean or says bad things about you,let it go,never fight back or defend yourself We are to be kind to them and instead only see the good things in others- Clara Honea Athabaskan Elder

[G Snap!]

I am not friends with any of my ex's. All (except one) turned into @sses and would end up saying something absolutely spiteful and hurtful, which just made me light up the match and burn that bridge.

I have always been in awe over others being friends with ex's. To get over the hurt and bad feelings and call them friend? Wow. I guess I am envious in a way because I am so unforgiving.

[chefhmboyrd]

my BFF is an ex.
Ex-wife
lol
and there's baby momma...


I am friends (not close) with several exes,
but most live in other parts of the country,
i am FB friends with several for sure...

We have all had our ups and downs,
good bad ugly happy sad or indifferent....
i think we can learn from each other, if we choose.
sometimes, learning is painful.

respect is the key
self respect first....
sometimes self respect commands you to just walk away.

[T4Texas]

sometimes self respect commands you to just walk away.

I used to be very proud of the fact that I was friends with my exes. That no matter the circumstance, I could put it behind me, take the high road and be forgiving. Unfortunately that has changed since having a difficult time with one of my exes. She planted the axe in my back so many times, I came to not be able to forgive her any further. It made me sad that I could not reconcile or even like her anymore because I never wanted it to turn out that way. I hate her now and hating is a strong word for me and not an emotion I carry for very many people. I think no matter how generous we try to be, you can only take so much of a person's lies and underhanded ways. I just had to accept that fact about her even though I didnt want to. I refuse to let anyone damage MY integrity and so self respect did command me to walk away for good.

[*Anya*]

I was able to remain friends with my first ex-girlfriend.

My last ex of 19-years burned that bridge when she lied and told me she had terminal brain cancer with a week to live. Since she had a prior history of brain tumor, naturally, I believed her.

That lie was unforgivable.

Not too long ago she called to tell me she had breast cancer. I told her if true I was very sorry but could not get involved and to not call again. Hard for me because I do not lie and tend to believe others do not either.

She was the butch that cried wolf once too often.

[Miss Scarlett]

Depends upon why they are an "ex"...

[LoyalWolfsBlade]

This subject like many have changed and evolved as I have gotten older. After all I have been out of the closet since 16 and I am now 45 so I would hope that it has evolved.

My best friend is a ex, I have known her for 25 years. I met her back when when I dated soft butches and femmes she is a soft butch. Actually she is the reason I know for a romantic relationship the person I have to be with is a femme. Hey I was young when we met and it was not suppose to be nothing more then a one night stand. We do not live in the same state but we do still talk to each other and see each other.

Now I have another ex that is all femme and we are friends but we had to have time apart before that could happen. Me so I could come at her as a friend and to heal we both hurt each other in the end. Now we are good friends. It helps that we both like who the other person is and we have boundaries that are respected.

So in my opinion friendship with ex's are possible but once you are in a relationship with someone you need to discuss it with that person. Personally I tell them there is very little I will not compromise on however I will not give up my friendship with my two ex's. I will do whatever it takes to reassure my femme and always respect her so there is some give and take but the no contact is off limits for those two people. If she can not trust me then there is not much hope for a lasting relationship.

[Julien]

Part of me says that I think that friends with the ex is a possibility being we're all adults, but reality says that too many hurt feelings get in the way. I have tried to be friends, but because of the feelings and unresolved issues on my part and hers, I don't think it is possible unless we can both let the past go. That is difficult to do. I've not run across, in my relationships at least, where the parting was friendly there is always some bit of damage done to one or the other. If we can get past that maybe we can be friends. I think time is the key to that, unless there is too much hurt to go around.

[theoddz]

I have one particular ex with whom I still, to this day (if I were still in contact with her), would be able to enjoy a wonderful, healthy friendship with. We didn't start out as friends, but in a smokey bar one night, a night that ended up with us jumping in bed for a one night stand. I was something like 22 years old then, and her 19. Things were kind of stormy after that, due to her being, well, 19 years old and just newly out on her own and newly "out".

We couldn't make a relationship work, probably due to nothing more than just pure immaturity....on both our parts. Thing is, we really liked each other!! I've always tended to be very much on the reserved, quiet side and she was the "wild child". Anyway, I also became good friends with her mother, and the rest of her family, too. I even called her mother "Mama". After about a year, I was almost just like a member of her family and always invited to dinner, holiday celebrations, etc.

When Brenda and I finally figured out that we couldn't make a relationship work, we couldn't quite let go of that special friendship we had, and of just pure *liking* each other. It was always like I'd always known her, been close to her, and almost like she was a bit of a sister to me. Anyway, after the romantic attachment was ended, Brenda and I decided that we both wanted to work hard to retain our friendship. It was a conscious choice and desire, on both our parts, to do this. You know what?? That friendship took more work...more honest-to-Pete W-O-R-K and dedication to develop, but we started with a firm foundation of L-I-K-E. That's important. I think that, when you try to build something like that, and there's water under another kind of bridge between you, you really, really have to work at and realize what you're trying to do, then keep that goal in perspective. Again, I don't want to endlessly repeat what others have said here, but I do think that a key point here is boundaries....and respect for each other.

To tell you the truth, I'm surprised to this day that, as immature as we were, emotionally, we were able to keep the friendship in focus and not let it stray onto each others' toes, but we did. We had the most beautiful of friendships, once all the feelings were put into perspective, and boundaries established and respected. I have to say that the love and friendship of her family was important here, too. Her mother, also my dear friend, helped me to understand Brenda better, and to deal with my own emotions of letting go of "that" part and learning to love my friend unconditionally. Brenda and I finally drifted apart and lost contact, but I still think of her a lot and wonder how she's doing. I know that, if I had her number, I could pick up that phone and my old dear friend would be on that other end of the line, just as happy to hear my voice (which has changed quite a bit!!) as I would be to hear hers.

Yes, I think you can build a helluva friendship with an ex, but you have to want it and you have to be BOTH willing to work at it. You also have to have a very healthy amount of respect and L-I-K-E for each other. It's easy to tell someone "I love you", but you need to be able to honestly say "I LIKE you" too. I guess that, for (at the time) two very young, inexperienced people, Brenda and I were pretty danged lucky to have had each other. We were even more fortunate to have had in each other two people who really loved and respected each other enough to want to work at *Liking* each other.

Good luck. I do hope it works out for you, whichever direction your paths take you.

~Theo~