Long Distance - How do you cope?

[MaggieBluIze]

Thank you so very much E/everyone!!!

I have been reading up in bits and pieces since I "found" this thread and have finally gotten to the end. *smile*

My g/f is about to move, because of work relocation, and this is about to become my/Our reality.

I have taken in all your words and have even been having talks w/her about all that I am reading ... So helpful!!!

This is not an easy situation, but is/can be do-able if it is meant to.



I know I said this at first, but Thank You for sharing.
This was so very needed.

[Ciaran]

Originally Posted by Sachita

lol- Ok, but the REAL reason is I need to make sure they can lift a 50 pound bag and feed and throw some hay bales around. If hy wants to hold up in my house I;m putting hym to work. lol - actually we'll work together.

My fantasy of living on Sachita's farm and being waited on hand and foot has now lost some of its allure.

I'm not good at any work that requires physical effort (50 pound bag? I'd maybe lift 5 pounds if feeling particularly energetic) or the risk of getting my hands dirty. What if I was to be given the behind the desk position of Director of Strategy at the farm?

[laruss]

LDR are hard, there is so much you learn about someone by spending time with them. It is so easy to keep up the pretense of everything being wonderful when you are far away.

I was in one LDR, and it was only 2 hours and when I moved there it was a shock as to how different they really were when we were spending all our time together. I moved there after a year of LD and it lasted a few years, but really I knew within a few months that it was a bad idea.

I am currently seeing someone 2 hours away (different direction) and this time I think it is me that is able to hide my true self. She sees nothing wrong with me at all and that freaks me out a lot. I'm not perfect, please don't put me on that pedestal... it hurts when I fall off.

My kids and grandkids are 2 and 6 hours away and that is hard too. Although Skype really helps there and my kids already know me and my grandkids are allowed to think I am perfect... because I am, aren't all grandmas?

I personally would not recommend LD, but if you are going to do it pay attention to the voices in your head warning you, telling you things that you might brush aside because you only see them once in a while.

And meeting is VERY important. It is so easy for someone to be all that and a bag of chips if you have never met, they can invent any personality to suit what you are looking for. Also learned this the hard way.

As someone who has raised foster children, one thing I learned is that they can keep up an expected attitude/behaviour for about 3 months before their true personality comes out and it is only then that you can start to move forward. With a LDR that can go on for years and you may see glimpses but if you do not pay attention you will never really know until you are with them full time.

I don't even take my own advice so it is up to you if you do or not. lol

[Arwen]

I've been in more than one LDR. One lasted for 3 years and then fell apart when we moved in together.

Syzygy and I are 6 hrs apart. We've used Skype alot as well as phone and text. We also have been working at finding halfway rendevous so we aren't so dependent on traveling. In two weeks we will be meeting up at a festival half way between my home and his. We've been together for over a year now (almost 1.5 wow) and it takes a lot of communication not to mention honesty. If you aren't willing to Skype unless you have your make up on...well, there's going to be some awkwardness that first morning after.

You feel me?

It's super important to meet first and then NOT MOVE RIGHT AWAY. Gods that scares me when I hear folks doing that. It's never a good idea.

I don't care how Cinderella and Prince Charming did it. I would have told them to wait 3-6 months too.

If your love can't take distance for 6 months, it won't last.

Yeah, I said it. And I'll stand by it too.

Oh, I think the same of meeting someone in your own town too. 3-6 months before you uproot you or them. Date, for Gods' sake.

[Beloved]

I want what Bulldog and PrincessBelle have. I just love the way you talk about each other. It gives me hope. Please don't ever break up because my hope will be gone!

[DapperButch]

Originally Posted by Beloved

I want what Bulldog and PrincessBelle have. I just love the way you talk about each other. It gives me hope. Please don't ever break up because my hope will be gone!

Talk about pressure!

[Teddybear]

Originally Posted by DapperButch

Talk about pressure!

was getting ready to say the same thing Dapper.

[Teddybear]

Originally Posted by Beloved

I want what Bulldog and PrincessBelle have. I just love the way you talk about each other. It gives me hope. Please don't ever break up because my hope will be gone!

Beloved

I think we all want that, however not everyone is willing to work at it. I know I am however again I have been with people who said they were and when it came time to do it they were running for the hills.

Here's to hoping you find what your looking for and it is all that Bulldof and PrincessBelle have and then some

[Sachita]

Originally Posted by DapperButch

I hear you, but I guess because I would not be willing to date long distance, inside of a month works for me. Meeting people quickly keeps one from getting too emotionally invested.

Yes, I can be pragmatic when it comes to dating!

I am open to face to face right away, no doubt and I agree that chemistry goes a long way, however there are so many factors I need to consider when thinking about a partner. I guess the older I get the more I look at the whole picture and approach relationships as total partnerships. I've done the passionate flights of fancy with no foundation and it really doesnt work for me any more.

Before someone comes into my life they need to understand some things about me. I am tired of investing so much time and energy to have it fall apart in a few months. I'd rather take my time, enjoy that person and learn about them. I want them to know that I can sometimes be aloof, distant and that I'm just not your typical woman. They need to understand that i have strong family commitments and how busy I am. If they are needy and demanding emotionally I may not be the right person for them. You learn this through any type of contact, why not learn this before spending money and too much time? I am also a naturally dominant and controlling woman with a strong maternal side. I can tell people this but they just don't get it until they are interacting with me or they may think they know what it means (most are wrong btw) and learn that really I'm not as hardcore as it may seem.

But I would most certainly be open to them flying in and meeting. I'd like at least a few weeks of talking, discovering and seeing if we may be compatible even as friends. In fact I'd love to start all relationships as friends.

[Sachita]

Originally Posted by Ciaran

My fantasy of living on Sachita's farm and being waited on hand and foot has now lost some of its allure.

I'm not good at any work that requires physical effort (50 pound bag? I'd maybe lift 5 pounds if feeling particularly energetic) or the risk of getting my hands dirty. What if I was to be given the behind the desk position of Director of Strategy at the farm?

hahhaha yeah its a fantasy for sure! I don't wait on anyone hand and foot! I'm more of the diva type who wants to be catered too. Sorry to burst your bubble!

I would need to be in a relationship with someone who enjoy rural living and the outdoors, thats for sure. If hy doesn't want to help with the garden and yard they hy better make enough money to pay someone. Living in the city would make me very unhappy and like a fish out of water. I would be open to relocating, under the right circumstances but I doubt this will happen. I'm too much of a control freak to place myself into someone elses already existing world.

[1QuirkyKiwi]

Originally Posted by Arwen

Oh, I think the same of meeting someone in your own town too. 3-6 months before you uproot you or them. Date, for Gods' sake.

Dating and being dated is important through out the whole relationship. How a potential partner treats you and their attitude to dating says a lot about how they will treat you and the relationship when living together and/or married.

I’ve said before, I’m limited on technical ways of communicating should I ever have another LDR. My internet connection does not support Skype, so that leaves emails, phone calls and texting. For me, this makes dating each other when together even more vital to our relationship.

[BullDog]

Beloved that is so sweet. Thank you. I got very lucky. No worries on the pressure.

When it comes to going from LDR to living together I do think it's important to take your time and really make sure you are ready to take the next step. However, I don't think x number of months or years is what will make it successful. People can be LDR for a very long time and still not work out. Until you live with someone you are not really going to know how things will be day to day, no matter how honest someone is. If possible, have long visits before moving. That's the closest thing you can have I think.

[Silverseastar]

I'm not sure who it was that mentioned the 3 month mark as denoting who a person really shows up to be but I couldn't agree more. Recently I've been saying to people that 3-4 months seems like the cutoff point when I knew a relationship wasn't going to work. Both local and LD.

Maybe because when I have done LD it has involved a fair amount of skype time which gives face to face time.

In any case by 4 months someone's true nature really comes forward. Until then it's just a best foot forward scenario imho.

[Darbonaire]

[QUOTE=Sachita;581405]I am open to face to face right away, no doubt and I agree that chemistry goes a long way, however there are so many factors I need to consider when thinking about a partner. I guess the older I get the more I look at the whole picture and approach relationships as total partnerships. I've done the passionate flights of fancy with no foundation and it really doesnt work for me any more.

Before someone comes into my life they need to understand some things about me. I am tired of investing so much time and energy to have it fall apart in a few months. I'd rather take my time, enjoy that person and learn about them. I want them to know that I can sometimes be aloof, distant and that I'm just not your typical woman. They need to understand that i have strong family commitments and how busy I am. If they are needy and demanding emotionally I may not be the right person for them. You learn this through any type of contact, why not learn this before spending money and too much time? I am also a naturally dominant and controlling woman with a strong maternal side. I can tell people this but they just don't get it until they are interacting with me or they may think they know what it means (most are wrong btw) and learn that really I'm not as hardcore as it may seem.

But I would most certainly be open to them flying in and meeting. I'd like at least a few weeks of talking, discovering and seeing if we may be compatible even as friends. In fact I'd love to start all relationships as friends.[/QUOTE]

That's the best way to be sure !

[Novelafemme]

Originally Posted by BullDog

Beloved that is so sweet. Thank you. I got very lucky. No worries on the pressure.

When it comes to going from LDR to living together I do think it's important to take your time and really make sure you are ready to take the next step. However, I don't think x number of months or years is what will make it successful. People can be LDR for a very long time and still not work out. Until you live with someone you are not really going to know how things will be day to day, no matter how honest someone is. If possible, have long visits before moving. That's the closest thing you can have I think.

I couldn't agree more with Bulldog. When it comes to any sort of relationship, whether it's long distance or not, you need to experience so many scenarios with your love interest before making any life changing decisions. Travel together, visit friends and relatives together, spend more that just a long weekend with one another...I hate to make it sound like you are constantly interviewing each other, but that is kind of what it's like. Especially if you have a nagging concern. And then there are those rare situations where you just know it's right and it is meant to be and all the pieces fall together on their own and in their own time.

When you fall hard and fast for each other it is so incredibly easy to push those red flag moments to the back of your mind because your heart and emotions are working overtime telling you otherwise. Time is the only thing that can bring someone's true colors to the surface, and in time you won't be so emotionally charged that you ignore the molehills that really are mountains. If something doesn't feel right or good you owe it to the other person to say, hey...i need some time and space to get a little clarity and do some soul searching before me move forward. If it's meant to be then the other person will be more than willing to allow you just that.

Good luck to all those embarking on this journey! It can work if you work it together.

[dixie]

LDRs suck. We cope though, thru daily phone calls, packages in the mail, and seeing one another as often as possible. We are able to make do with the distance much better than not being together at all...that is how we cope.

[Beloved]

No Pressure intended! I can see how it came off that way.

[Ciaran]

Originally Posted by Arwen

Oh, I think the same of meeting someone in your own town too. 3-6 months before you uproot you or them.

For me, even in same city without the same logistics challenges and risks, I wouldn't uproot for someone inside 6 months nor would I want someone to look to move in with me inside 6 months of dating.

A year plus and then start to consider it .....

[Novelafemme]

Originally Posted by Ciaran

For me, even in same city without the same logistics challenges and risks, I wouldn't uproot for someone inside 6 months nor would I want someone to look to move in with me inside 6 months of dating.

A year plus and then start to consider it .....

I like this rule as well and have only ever lived with two people...the first being my husband of 15 years and the second being an on again/off again boyfriend before I came out, and that was mostly out of necessity and poor judgement on my part.

When I met Katy it was the perfect set of circumstances and I just released all fear and doubt that were clinging on by their nails from past relationships and opened my heart to what the universe had in store. And for the first time in my life I felt nothing but peace around my decision. We had work to do right from the beginning...especially me since I had come from a relationship where I was accused of everything imaginable (some true but mostly not) and I was really struggling to trust myself. I had lost that ability and was scared and frequently on the defense...which is not like me at all.

I guess my point is that when you find something and someone that is worth the blessed offering that is your heart and your love, go into it not only cautiously optimistic but realistic as well. We all have our baggage and finding someone who is "perfect" just isn't going to happen. But when you are willing to let your guard down and do the work it takes to make a truly beautiful communion of hearts and souls work...it is so worth it!

[Sachita]

Originally Posted by dixie

LDRs suck. We cope though, thru daily phone calls, packages in the mail, and seeing one another as often as possible. We are able to make do with the distance much better than not being together at all...that is how we cope.

lol tell us how you really feel!