Something horrible just happened

QueenofSmirks · 05-21-2014, 07:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by anaisninja

You're right. The date was not going well. But I couldn't tell why, and she wouldn't say. It was our 3rd date. The first one was a very nice dinner. On the second date, we became intimate and she seemed very passionate and enthusiastic. (I posted about it elsewhere.) When we were texting about date number three, she seemed very enthusiastic about it, up until the time she got here. I honestly have no clue what happened because she left without telling me.

Ugh, I can sympathize somewhat. Several years ago, I was spending every waking moment on the phone with someone who lived in the next town, and she was very enthusiastic about meeting. Then literally, out of the blue, the day we were going to meet, she said she changed her mind and she thought things were moving too fast. Ok, I get it. I was disappointed but understood. But then she just sort of disappeared. No explanation, no return phone calls. To this day, I still have no idea what happened, or what ever became of her. It hurt at the time, but in hindsight, I'm glad I didn't get any further with the relationship.

In any case... hang in there... it'll get better!

Girl_On_Fire · 05-21-2014, 10:07 PM

I am so sorry this happened to you. I understand your pain.

A little over 10 years ago, I was in a committed relationship and we had moved in together. We were having problems and we lived in a tiny apartment where we couldn't really get away from each other. She thought it would be a good idea if she spent the weekend at a hotel so we could have some space.

While I was at work, she packed a bag and took a bus out of the state to be with someone she'd been talking to online. The hotel story was just a cover for an elaborate escape she'd apparently had planned for a while.

I didn't find out until 3 days later after I'd filed a missing person's report. While I'm certainly older and wiser now and can see, in hindsight, there were plenty of glaringly-obvious signs, at the time I didn't know any better. I was very innocent and naive and never saw it coming.

I'm not putting either of those character traits on you. I just understand how something like that can be damaging and cause feelings of abandonment and self-doubt. Try not to blame yourself. This woman obviously has issues. She could have talked to you. She could have politely canceled the date if she no longer felt the connection. There was no need to rush out in the middle of a date like that.

Someone who can't even talk to you and try to tell you what's going on or what they perceive is wrong isn't someone you can sustain a healthy relationship with.

You deserve better and better is what's out there waiting for you.

*hugs*

anaisninja · 05-21-2014, 11:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Girl_On_Fire

I am so sorry this happened to you. I understand your pain.

A little over 10 years ago, I was in a committed relationship and we had moved in together. We were having problems and we lived in a tiny apartment where we couldn't really get away from each other. She thought it would be a good idea if she spent the weekend at a hotel so we could have some space.

While I was at work, she packed a bag and took a bus out of the state to be with someone she'd been talking to online. The hotel story was just a cover for an elaborate escape she'd apparently had planned for a while.

I didn't find out until 3 days later after I'd filed a missing person's report. While I'm certainly older and wiser now and can see, in hindsight, there were plenty of glaringly-obvious signs, at the time I didn't know any better. I was very innocent and naive and never saw it coming.

I'm not putting either of those character traits on you. I just understand how something like that can be damaging and cause feelings of abandonment and self-doubt. Try not to blame yourself. This woman obviously has issues. She could have talked to you. She could have politely canceled the date if she no longer felt the connection. There was no need to rush out in the middle of a date like that.

Someone who can't even talk to you and try to tell you what's going on or what they perceive is wrong isn't someone you can sustain a healthy relationship with.

You deserve better and better is what's out there waiting for you.

*hugs*

Girl on Fire - I'm so sorry that happened to you. The more of you say you've been through something similar, the more aghast I am at people's bad behavior. I was talking about what happened with some of my social work friends tonight. One woman's theory is that we've (the social workers) all been spoiled by being around people like ourselves - kind, caring, touchy-feely, warm - social work types. (I realize this is a generalization. But... we work in the helping profession. We are helpers by nature.) So our perception of what constitutes normal behavior has been skewed.

imperfect_cupcake · 05-22-2014, 12:08 AM

people that are so afraid of conflict/conflict avoidant that they do this are hell on earth to try to have a grown up discussion with. I do have close friends who are incredibly conflict avoidant but even none of them would stoop to that, so my guess is that she's a *real* charmer to the poor sod that lands her.

You'll learn to screen for more things the longer you are in the pool.

I listen to my instincts now, after 30 years of dating people, 18 of them lezzo. I don't make up excuses for other people's behaviours anymore. but that is something you have to learn, especially if you are of the care-taking sort. I did. I'm very glad I'm a hard-ass now. saves me a huge amount of emotional turmoil and grief and drama and games.

You'll figure it out. Eventually, after you've picked yourself apart and glued yourself back together enough times and blamed yourself enough, you understand Your Shit and Their Shit and the types of crazy that don't mix with your own. And you call it, much, much faster and without the self flagellation.

ETA: I'm personally a shit date, so I know what I feel comfy with and what I don't. What I couldn't do is not what others would refuse. I don't go for the traditional date stuff, I'd prefer to hang out and act like pirates, drink beer and be rediculous together. Most girls want someone to treat them like a princess for an evening... you'll figure out what trips your switch and what sets your flags going.

Ginger · 05-22-2014, 04:33 PM

Anaisninja,

Dating is brutal and fun and everything in between. You have to develop a thick skin and yet not lose touch with your softness.

But you know all this, I think.

That person sounds really socially immature.

Her response to the date was such a silly overreaction. So what, you meet someone, and realize you're not into it. Haven't most of us been on both sides of that story? I know I have.

Her response was to make drama out of something that two grownups could have easily handled.

I'm willing to bet if you were in her shoes you would have handled it really differently—in a way that reflects your moral depth and maturity.

She might not have those tools. Her toolbox might be somewhat empty.

She's not whole enough for you.

That's my theory.

I hope you feel better soon.

Ginger

ProfPacker · 05-22-2014, 09:40 PM

Anaisninja,

I agree with what everyone says. I just wanted to say that I am sorry that this happened to you. As many of have said prior to me, the lack of integrity and honesty coupled with this woman's inability to understand that actions hurt others is unacceptable.

Please do not beat yourself up about this. You did nothing wrong, sometimes we misjudge others and as many said, sometimes we are not honest with ourselves when signs are right in our face.

Heal from this and go on with your life. I agree that forsaking work would be a self destructive act. The goal here is to learn self care.

Words · 05-23-2014, 01:04 AM

I'm sorry this happened to you.

I DO think you're possibly trying a little too hard and that you could be coming off as being needy. My concern though after having read some of your previous posts - and I won't go into details here because I'm not clear as to the rules regarding quoting material from other threads - is that in your (perfectly understandable) quest to get your new life as a lesbian off the ground, you're putting yourself not only at emotional risk, but also at physical risk. I know that personally, if we were to go on a date and you were to tell me a couple of things that I've read in your previous posts, one thing in particular, I'd definitely be thinking, wow, that was a little reckless and that it would leave doubts in my mind as to whether or not we were further date material (I'll pm you and let you know what I'm referring to.)

Anyway, the best advice that I can give you as someone who came out pretty late herself (40) is, what will be, will be. Yes, you have to do your part in terms of making it happen... but you also have to have faith.

Good luck!

05-21-2014, 10:07 PM	#2
Girl_On_Fire Member How Do You Identify?: Femme Preferred Pronoun?: She, Her Relationship Status: On Hiatus Join Date: Oct 2012 Location: Connecticut Posts: 690 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 2,020 Thanked 2,684 Times in 562 Posts Rep Power: 21474850	I am so sorry this happened to you. I understand your pain. A little over 10 years ago, I was in a committed relationship and we had moved in together. We were having problems and we lived in a tiny apartment where we couldn't really get away from each other. She thought it would be a good idea if she spent the weekend at a hotel so we could have some space. While I was at work, she packed a bag and took a bus out of the state to be with someone she'd been talking to online. The hotel story was just a cover for an elaborate escape she'd apparently had planned for a while. I didn't find out until 3 days later after I'd filed a missing person's report. While I'm certainly older and wiser now and can see, in hindsight, there were plenty of glaringly-obvious signs, at the time I didn't know any better. I was very innocent and naive and never saw it coming. I'm not putting either of those character traits on you. I just understand how something like that can be damaging and cause feelings of abandonment and self-doubt. Try not to blame yourself. This woman obviously has issues. She could have talked to you. She could have politely canceled the date if she no longer felt the connection. There was no need to rush out in the middle of a date like that. Someone who can't even talk to you and try to tell you what's going on or what they perceive is wrong isn't someone you can sustain a healthy relationship with. You deserve better and better is what's out there waiting for you. hugs __________________ "Quit trying to reason with unreasonable people. It's like trying to have a meaningful conversation with an end table." ~ Girl_On_Fire

05-22-2014, 12:08 AM	#4
imperfect_cupcake Senior Member How Do You Identify?: feminine dolly dyke Preferred Pronoun?: Your Grace Relationship Status: I put my own care first Join Date: Jan 2010 Location: In a gauze of mystery Posts: 1,776 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 2,426 Thanked 9,712 Times in 1,611 Posts Rep Power: 21474853	people that are so afraid of conflict/conflict avoidant that they do this are hell on earth to try to have a grown up discussion with. I do have close friends who are incredibly conflict avoidant but even none of them would stoop to that, so my guess is that she's a real charmer to the poor sod that lands her. You'll learn to screen for more things the longer you are in the pool. I listen to my instincts now, after 30 years of dating people, 18 of them lezzo. I don't make up excuses for other people's behaviours anymore. but that is something you have to learn, especially if you are of the care-taking sort. I did. I'm very glad I'm a hard-ass now. saves me a huge amount of emotional turmoil and grief and drama and games. You'll figure it out. Eventually, after you've picked yourself apart and glued yourself back together enough times and blamed yourself enough, you understand Your Shit and Their Shit and the types of crazy that don't mix with your own. And you call it, much, much faster and without the self flagellation. ETA: I'm personally a shit date, so I know what I feel comfy with and what I don't. What I couldn't do is not what others would refuse. I don't go for the traditional date stuff, I'd prefer to hang out and act like pirates, drink beer and be rediculous together. Most girls want someone to treat them like a princess for an evening... you'll figure out what trips your switch and what sets your flags going. Last edited by imperfect_cupcake; 05-22-2014 at 12:12 AM.

05-22-2014, 04:33 PM	#5
Ginger Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Femme lesbian Join Date: Mar 2012 Location: East coast Posts: 2,416 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 5,829 Thanked 12,296 Times in 2,057 Posts Rep Power: 21474852	Anaisninja, Dating is brutal and fun and everything in between. You have to develop a thick skin and yet not lose touch with your softness. But you know all this, I think. That person sounds really socially immature. Her response to the date was such a silly overreaction. So what, you meet someone, and realize you're not into it. Haven't most of us been on both sides of that story? I know I have. Her response was to make drama out of something that two grownups could have easily handled. I'm willing to bet if you were in her shoes you would have handled it really differently—in a way that reflects your moral depth and maturity. She might not have those tools. Her toolbox might be somewhat empty. She's not whole enough for you. That's my theory. I hope you feel better soon. Ginger __________________ Reach out.

05-22-2014, 09:40 PM	#6
ProfPacker Member How Do You Identify?: butch/MOC Preferred Pronoun?: Hy/hym/hys but in circumstances like work and some other places she Relationship Status: single Join Date: Sep 2013 Location: nj Posts: 1,365 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 7,023 Thanked 4,816 Times in 1,187 Posts Rep Power: 21474850	Anaisninja, I agree with what everyone says. I just wanted to say that I am sorry that this happened to you. As many of have said prior to me, the lack of integrity and honesty coupled with this woman's inability to understand that actions hurt others is unacceptable. Please do not beat yourself up about this. You did nothing wrong, sometimes we misjudge others and as many said, sometimes we are not honest with ourselves when signs are right in our face. Heal from this and go on with your life. I agree that forsaking work would be a self destructive act. The goal here is to learn self care.

05-23-2014, 01:04 AM	#7
Words Member How Do You Identify?: Queer femme submissive Relationship Status: Married Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: UK Posts: 969 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 1,449 Thanked 4,258 Times in 677 Posts Rep Power: 21474852	I'm sorry this happened to you. I DO think you're possibly trying a little too hard and that you could be coming off as being needy. My concern though after having read some of your previous posts - and I won't go into details here because I'm not clear as to the rules regarding quoting material from other threads - is that in your (perfectly understandable) quest to get your new life as a lesbian off the ground, you're putting yourself not only at emotional risk, but also at physical risk. I know that personally, if we were to go on a date and you were to tell me a couple of things that I've read in your previous posts, one thing in particular, I'd definitely be thinking, wow, that was a little reckless and that it would leave doubts in my mind as to whether or not we were further date material (I'll pm you and let you know what I'm referring to.) Anyway, the best advice that I can give you as someone who came out pretty late herself (40) is, what will be, will be. Yes, you have to do your part in terms of making it happen... but you also have to have faith. Good luck!