The Psychology of Online Dating

[knight]

In my case the pool is large mostly to the fact that i live in a very open mostly pansexual town, and i present very masculine.
You are right about it being smaller due to femme invisibility, I totally see that. I think many factors play here, especially visibility and community Thank you for that comment.

Originally Posted by girl_dee

i don't agree with our dating pool being a large pool. i feel it's small in the grand scheme of things. Being an invisible femme, i feel its quite small. This is a forum where we gather, and we can get to know each other. There is no place else i can go and be among the BF community.

i do think in any situation its best to cut your losses before continuing if it's "just not working out".

[knight]

I think we probably all have different definitions of those terms, for me all online dating is long distance dating. If you cant get in your car and drive at to have a real time date with someone both terms would apply here.

Originally Posted by girl_dee

do you consider long distance dating, online dating?

[Martina]

For me, finding someone online is fine. But I want a local relationship. They are difficult enough. I did long distance twice, once with someone I had already lived with who had to move and once with someone I knew as a friend who moved. Our phone contact took a new turn, and we tried a LDR. I hated it. All the waiting along with the potential for more communication issues -- it just wasn't for me.

Hell, we're all busy, and relationships take so much time and energy. If you can't see and touch your person once a week at least, I don't see the point.

[girl_dee]

Originally Posted by knight

I think we probably all have different definitions of those terms, for me all online dating is long distance dating. If you cant get in your car and drive at to have a real time date with someone both terms would apply here.

Thanks! i suppose it does go hand in hand...

[girl_dee]

Originally Posted by knight

I think the truth of the person comes out regardless in real time, or face to face on skype. I think we always know from the beginning. I believe we see signs and we chose to ignore or pay attention. Reputation in real life and online has some validity but the source is always important to note. I know from myself from experience i have never listened to others opinions of people I always gave people a chance, even if they were right at the end.

i've always felt this way... i am a true believer that when someone shows you who they are, you should believe it.

[BullDog]

I do agree that red flags are often ignored but I don't agree that you always know from the beginning. That is why you get to know someone in the first place. That isn't just due to someone being potentially a bad apple or dishonest either. It's just getting to know them in all different situations. You need to be able to get along and communicate well - both when things are going well and when there is a misunderstanding or problem. And I also agree it is best to get to know someone on your own because you may have an entirely different way of viewing a person and getting along with them than another person does.

I have had many surprises - mostly good and some bad - from getting to know someone better in person. Some could definitely be from not paying attention to red flags but some things you just don't know until it happens. And I don't feel anyone has ever been fundamentally dishonest with me or tried to hide some bad part of herself. And I have done the same. I am always Me. There are definitely some things that I would have never, ever anticipated.

Logistics has also played a role because I tend to always be interested in someone who lives far away! I don't do that on purpose. I always have specific reasons why I am interested in someone. It just has made it difficult to have lots of time visiting in person before making a move due to money, time, distance, etc. So I have made moves based on limited amount of time spent in person, which isn't the greatest thing. It has however involved tons and tons of extensive communication and interaction, just not a lot in person. But I haven't moved out of some kind of desperation that I couldn't be alone or had to have instant marriage. It just was the next step and lots of visits were kind of not real practical at the time. It wasn't ideal. But I took the chance because I do have flexibility due to my work and situation, and real, enduring love and and sharing my life with the woman I love is worth it to me. If I had been able to spend more time in person before making a move would things have turned out differently in past relationships? I don't honestly know, but it is something I wish I could have done and if I can't... maybe it is something I need to pay attention to. It is something I have thought about a lot.

I would much prefer not to do LDR because it is hard enough without the extra factors, but it can be worth if you find the right person. However, when it doesn't work out it does take a huge emotional toll. So I definitely don't blame those who prefer to only date locally, but I understand those who are giving LDR a shot as well.

[Lyte]

We humans are such curious creatures! We're so alike and yet so different.

Preface... none of the peeps or situation I'm about to reference on here on BFP! Story time...

I met a gal (West Coast) and we hit it off quite well from the start! But... also from the start... I noticed some inconsistencies in some of the things she said. You know ... someone tells you that it's X ... but you're seeing/hearing a lotta Y and a lil bit of Z. lol Anyway... so this was within the first couple of weeks and I've no problem being direct. Gently direct, I hope. So, I asked her straight up ... "Are you involved" and/or "Are you living with someone?" I added that either way was fine with me since we're just chatting and that I was more than happy to continue talking with her. Her response was an equally straight up "No, I'm not." So, chatting turned to flirting and yadda yadda... this went on for about three months... I then discovered that she had been lying from day one and was in fact living with her fiancé! Oy!

In speaking with a friend afterwards I told her that I was surprised by how much I wasn't bummed! I was bummed at losing someone that I enjoyed chatting and flirting with but I wasn't nearly disappointed as I could have been had I took this stranger at her word ... and ignored the red flags. I felt way worse for her fiancé!

New story...

I have a friend who's last three girl friends came from meeting online. The first she met online in 2015. She shared with me her conversations with the first two and ... dang... flags... flags... flags!! Despite my efforts and ... coaching* ... for lack of a better word ... she decided to start a relationship each and even moved to be with them. Long story short... first and second where just awful! The second was abusive. She was heart broken over both. Curiously, she didn't say much to me about the third one... so... my fingers are crossed and so far... from what I hear... so good!

Point being... we're all so very much alike... we all want love... or maybe just some attention... and yet so different in what we're willing to do... what we're willing to endure ... to get that attention. There's no right or wrong here or judgment on my part. Just some observations from my first half of 2017.

*"Coaching" ... cuz she's brand new... just came out in her late 30's after having been married to a guy for 15+ years. She doesn't know the lay of the lesbian landscape.

[firegal]

Originally Posted by Martina

For me, finding someone online is fine. But I want a local relationship. They are difficult enough. I did long distance twice, once with someone I had already lived with who had to move and once with someone I knew as a friend who moved. Our phone contact took a new turn, and we tried a LDR. I hated it. All the waiting along with the potential for more communication issues -- it just wasn't for me.

Hell, we're all busy, and relationships take so much time and energy. If you can't see and touch your person once a week at least, I don't see the point.

your comment and a few others made me think of Baskins and robbins.....31 flavors....lot of flavors.....some i dont like and others do.Like different looks in "on line-long distant dating".......and more than a few flavors i may like...even love lol.....but in the end its still dating.....errr...ice cream...

dating ......31 flavors.... lol


PS yes they both have vanilla!!!!! lol

[Kätzchen]

Heh, love the ice cream metaphor firegal! *lol*

I hear Bulldog and Martina and I resonate with similar sentiment in that ..... A) Like both Bulldog and Martina, I've been a member of this community for a very long time. Our history, things we've talked about in either personal or political ways, are really good ways to understand the way we think about most any subject up for discussion among members of the community. Whether it was online here at the Planet or at the years long community that seems no longer what it once was (Dash), people who've been regularly participating in forum discussions are able to see our own unique pattern of thinking, our preferences, whatever..... even if someone isn't a regularly participating member, there is always the proverbial trail of bread crumbs which are unique to ourselves or anyone who has posted on forum boards.

And... B) unless you're a trained professional therapist in the mental health field, I think it's really WISE to not dispense with personal assessment of behavioral issues. I would feel VERY uncomfortable if any therapist or mental health professional crossed that ethical and moral line of conduct. So...to share ideas you have about certain RED flags in behavioral issues is one thing, but it's a slippery slope to reference anyone in shady ways or use the un-named target when talking about serious things that can be deal breakers for many people.

C) I don't have any "dog in this fight" as far as whether knowing if dating locally or meeting someone here and it turns out well or not. I've made several posts about this very thing over the past few years, which anyone can look up on their own. What matters to me is whether another person and myself feel attraction for one another....and other privately held ideas between the two of us, which I don't feel is necessary to discuss openly on the forum boards. BUT...it is important that proximity of nearness be in place for anything to develop and it's also important to me that transparency between each other is of vital importance.

In my mind, these are the building blocks to a solid foundation. What happens next is not up for debate or discussion. Solid foundations are vital to building any relationship, whether it's platonic or romantic, in my mind.

[girl_dee]

i feel that the internet is a tool in which we use to gather. We like to be with like minded folks...

This amazing pool of B-F folks could not gather without the internet, not very easily.

Even in our community we are quite diverse!

Some are looking for friendships, romances, fuckmances, likemances...you name it.. some are not looking for anything more than to feel accepted.

But it happens, someone strikes your fancy and you begin...

How you continue it is the key. .. if there is an attraction you will do what works for you, until it doesn't.

[knight]

I wanted to use a broad term like psychology here because I was interested in the broad perspective of people's philosophy and behaviour towards the concept of dating. Conduct which is governed by ethics, morals and values is certainly part of the general psychology/philosophy to the approach of dating. Thank you for your input.

Originally Posted by *Anya*

I only dated someone long distance once. I have nothing negative to say about the experience.

It only lasted a short time but distance was only a part of it. No regrets.

I learned enough to know that a ldr is not for me but totally understand how it can work for others.

After that, I absolutely used an online dating site.

I only dated locally. (I will only date locally again).

My recent longer-term ex was 18 miles from me. I really loved it. I enjoyed the easy planning for dates, the spur-of-the-minute dates, "would you like to go to the beach for lunch today? I can pick you up in an hour". Oh yes!

For me, there is no real psychology in online dating other than: honesty and more honesty; being my real, true self with all of the good and bad; ensure that I write an accurate profile because anything not true will be pretty obvious darn quickly; be truthful, too; if there is no chemistry and you know fairly quickly that it is not going to develop.

I have written before that with my recent ex, I did not read her profile carefully enough. She clearly wrote all of the sports and activities she enjoyed but I first of all, was besotted by the handsome butchness of her picture and secondly, the very best behavior that she reflected when we began to date.

She had not written that she expected me to participate in her love of sports or I may have passed.

Who knows? We can always do Monday-morning quarterbacking after a relationship ends.

I should have done more in the beginning but did not. I spent just under 4 years with her and though I moved out last October; I still have not felt ready to date again yet. It takes me a long time to heal and to feel ready to open my heart again. That is just how I am.

By the time I am ready to date again, hopefully, I will have learned from it and will again avail myself of online dating from an identified online dating site.

Online dating sites are the only places that I have found, that I can sort out the butches from the femmes more easily. Speaking of that: I even put in my profile that I was attracted to butch lesbians and I still had femmes respond. Femmes will always be my best friends but I just do not feel attracted to women that look just like me.

Yin and yang, you know!

A final note: I am also struggling with how I would include that I now have physical health challenges that I did not have when I last dated. Do you include that in your profile? Do you tell someone on the first date? Do you wait until you have had a couple of dates? I am at a loss with this one.

[knight]

First I am sorry for taking a long time to respond, I had no idea that this thread would have so much interest. I wanted to give people a chance to comment..

What I meant by "ugly" i think from experience that there is a misconception about an individual that is open to dating people online with the understanding that this is a tool to learn about a person. It is not necessarily a tool to find a wife/partner but it can certainly lead to that. I am not speaking here of a person that is cheating or dating several people the same time and lying about it. I speak here about being completely honest with needs, wants, and capacity. Knowing and preparing oneself for having to possibly date several people at different times to find that special person. To me its the "normal" part of dating. Of course this results in hurt feeling and disappointment, but its not an intentional thing. It is simply the result of two people finding out that they are not for each other.

Originally Posted by CherylNYC

Knight, It isn't clear to me what you mean by this. What experiences have you had that led you to feeling that dating is considered ugly?

[Lyte]

I'm a tad confused.

If two people are on a "date" or are dating... shouldn't the safe presumption that each is ... in the long run... or at some point... looking for a wife/partner?

Yes, going dates is to learn more about a person but the inherent meaning behind going on a date is that the goal of the parties is to see if they can be ... more than friends. If either individual is not spending time with the other with that goal in mind... can we be more than friends... then that person has an obligation to be make it very clear... this is not a date.

Originally Posted by knight

What I meant by "ugly" i think from experience that there is a misconception about an individual that is open to dating people online with the understanding that this is a tool to learn about a person. It is not necessarily a tool to find a wife/partner but it can certainly lead to that.

[knight]

Absolutely not for me. I think its impossible to constantly have capacity for something that is long term. In my opinion, dating is a great way to discover yourself and to grow as a person. I do not believe that in a lifetime that we should always dive into the idea of a marriage. How does one truly understand their need without experiencing life in that way?

I think its great for others that are on a constant search for that one and to be in a position where they can always have capacity for the possibility.

For me it does not work that way. There are stages in life where I feel people have no business diving into a long term relationship.. When do we grow as humans, when do we find out what our truth is.

No right or wrong answer here... but that is my feeling on the matter.

Originally Posted by 2qt

I feel there is just too much stigma given to the words Online/Real life, local/LD.... Dating I think is just how one views it... Some consider it just online dating whilst others see it as something much deeper & much more personal to them...

Why can't we just name it.... Getting to know someone? The word dating seems to box it into this little square of perception that dating is only possible if it's done in real time or if they live within x amount of miles from me.... I don't feel that to be true... You often can't control who you fall for... Love is just love...

For me it was much more personal then just an online date thing... I was spending the same amount of my real time quality time getting to know my potential partner then as I would in my real life...

If you want something to work it's like anything... Effort needs to be made & you need to know what it is you're both reaching for & you're both on the same page otherwise it will never work...

Originally Posted by Lyte

I'm a tad confused.

If two people are on a "date" or are dating... shouldn't the safe presumption that each is ... in the long run... or at some point... looking for a wife/partner?

Yes, going dates is to learn more about a person but the inherent meaning behind going on a date is that the goal of the parties is to see if they can be ... more than friends. If either individual is not spending time with the other with that goal in mind... can we be more than friends... then that person has an obligation to be make it very clear... this is not a date.

[girl_dee]

Originally Posted by Lyte

I'm a tad confused.

If two people are on a "date" or are dating... shouldn't the safe presumption that each is ... in the long run... or at some point... looking for a wife/partner?

Nope... i want to date, not settle.down...

[Lyte]

Oh yeah... I get that date/dating has different meanings/motives for different people. BUT... it's important to realize that there is a generally understood/accepted meaning/motive to date/dating ... even if it doesn't apply to us.

A quick Google of the definition ...

1. establish or ascertain the date of (an object or event).
2. indicate or expose as being old-fashioned.
3. go out with (someone in whom one is romantically or sexually interested).

Or WIKI...

"Dating is a stage of romantic or sexual relationships in humans whereby two or more people meet socially, possibly as friends or with the aim of each assessing the other's suitability as a prospective partner in a more committed intimate relationship or marriage. It can be a form of courtship that consists of social activities done by the couple."

So... as long as one verbalizes to the other party ... in advance... that their particular definition does not follow/align with the generally accepted definition of date/dating... I say go for it! To do otherwise will very likely lead to a misunderstanding and hurt feelings.

Originally Posted by knight

Absolutely not for me. I think its impossible to constantly have capacity for something that is long term. In my opinion, dating is a great way to discover yourself and to grow as a person. I do not believe that in a lifetime that we should always dive into the idea of a marriage. How does one truly understand their need without experiencing life in that way?

I think its great for others that are on a constant search for that one and to be in a position where they can always have capacity for the possibility.

For me it does not work that way. There are stages in life where I feel people have no business diving into a long term relationship.. When do we grow as humans, when do we find out what our truth is.

No right or wrong answer here... but that is my feeling on the matter.

Originally Posted by girl_dee

Nope... i want to date, not settle.down...

[2qt]

I hear what you're saying & agree to some extent...

It's all really our own perceptions I believe...

To me when I go on a date with someone, it has no stigma attached to it, IE... I am not dating them to marry them or uhaul myself into their home, I am not dating them to be their partner at the end of that date, I date to get to know the person I am feeling attraction towards etc & to see where things lead...

But I guess the hope would be there for this to be something more if we hit it off very well for it to be long term partners/marriage.... Otherwise I would just consider it a friendship.....

I have never considered dating a friend as a means to get to know them or myself....My friendships have been pretty much developed known from the start it would be nothing more then a friendship...

Originally Posted by knight

Absolutely not for me. I think its impossible to constantly have capacity for something that is long term. In my opinion, dating is a great way to discover yourself and to grow as a person. I do not believe that in a lifetime that we should always dive into the idea of a marriage. How does one truly understand their need without experiencing life in that way?

I think its great for others that are on a constant search for that one and to be in a position where they can always have capacity for the possibility.

For me it does not work that way. There are stages in life where I feel people have no business diving into a long term relationship.. When do we grow as humans, when do we find out what our truth is.

No right or wrong answer here... but that is my feeling on the matter.

[Gemme]

Originally Posted by Lyte

Oh yeah... I get that date/dating has different meanings/motives for different people. BUT... it's important to realize that there is a generally understood/accepted meaning/motive to date/dating ... even if it doesn't apply to us.

A quick Google of the definition ...

1. establish or ascertain the date of (an object or event).
2. indicate or expose as being old-fashioned.
3. go out with (someone in whom one is romantically or sexually interested).

Or WIKI...

"Dating is a stage of romantic or sexual relationships in humans whereby two or more people meet socially, possibly as friends or with the aim of each assessing the other's suitability as a prospective partner in a more committed intimate relationship or marriage. It can be a form of courtship that consists of social activities done by the couple."

So... as long as one verbalizes to the other party ... in advance... that their particular definition does not follow/align with the generally accepted definition of date/dating... I say go for it! To do otherwise will very likely lead to a misunderstanding and hurt feelings.

I honestly don't know why this was posted. Please enlighten me?

Everyone knows what the general idea of dating is but not everyone leads a 'general' life. I understand WHAT you are saying, but I'm fuzzy on the WHY and why is it that you specifically addressed the posts of poly folks. Is that part of your point?

*confused*

[Lyte]

Sure!

I was responding to knight and dee's response to my previous post. I believe they had the impression that I believed ... or was saying... that the sole or primary purpose of dating was to find a life partner. That's not what was saying. That's not my belief. So, I was clarifying that I understand that the sole/primary purpose of dating is NOT to find a life partner. However... and even so... lol .... I do believe that going on a date does have an inherent ... or historical... meaning for most people. Therefore it's incumbent upon those who see dating differently to articulate to those they are dating exactly what dating means to them. N'est–ce pas?

This is why I asked this question elsewhere ... why does "getting to know someone" require going on a date?

Have I better clarified my clarification??

Oh... and... I have no idea who the "poly folk" are on BFP. I wasn't even aware poly relationships had entered the discussion.

Originally Posted by Gemme

I honestly don't know why this was posted. Please enlighten me?

Everyone knows what the general idea of dating is but not everyone leads a 'general' life. I understand WHAT you are saying, but I'm fuzzy on the WHY and why is it that you specifically addressed the posts of poly folks. Is that part of your point?

*confused*

[JDeere]

Originally Posted by girl_dee

Nope... i want to date, not settle.down...

Same with me Dee, I'm looking to date not to settle down by any means...