The Female Male ID "Wars"... or Great Divide

[betenoire]

Originally Posted by Kobi

I ask myself why do all these butch-femme sites pop up with such a mixed group of participants? Why not set up a site that is for transmen/male id and those who love them? Why not honor your identities with a home that puts who you are right out there? Im not dissing anyone here but when I fought to be a lesbian, I wanted a lesbian community. What arent the transmen/male id's wanting to establish a homeland of their own? Is it because they have a ready supply of potential mates in their accepting, inclusive former lesbian home? Why mess up a good thing?

That right there, to me personally, hurt my feelings. A lot.

So because I'm not a lesbian you do not want to have to share a website with me? I am not welcome in your space?

A little backhistory on me. I have been with women for 13 years now. I am turning 33 in a couple of weeks. The first three years I was with women - I was ONLY with women. I called myself a lesbian. I wasn't. Know why I said I was something I wasn't? Because it was made -very- clear to me that who/what I actually am is distasteful. Bad. Pandering to male desires.

I like to use the word Queer to describe who I am. It's my identity. But if we want to get super-technical...when it boils down to it I -am- bi/pansexual.

After 3 years of being out I had to come out again as what I really am - and I lost a tonne of friends. I'm sure I don't have to tell you how I was SHIT ON by lesbians because I happened to start dating someone who happened to have a penis.

Since I was 20 I've dated a lot of people. Mostly not serious (cuz that's what dating is) sometimes it was just sex (because women like to fuck, too) and some times it has been serious. Absolutely, in the last 13 years I've been with more women than I have been with men - but (aside from the fact that I'm married and monogamous) men are not ruled out for me by virtue of their being men. I am attracted to a person for their manner of being, the interests we share, and sometimes their shoes or haircut - FIRST. Their sex or identity comes second. And because their sex or identity comes second...even among the females I have been with, there is no real trend. I've been with all sorts. (Except for Femmes, I've never been with one. Although there was a time when I was so in love with my BFF who was Femme that I cried when she left a party with some dumb slutty Butch who fucked every single thing in a skirt in the city of Toronto - there's no way I'm ever gonna tell HER that, though.)

I'm a minority within a minority within a minority. If I'm not welcome HERE then, jesus, where am I welcome?

Right. So when you start talking about a Lesbian-only website - you start talking about the sort of website where I would not be welcome. You start talking about the sort of website that would completely alienate me because my fluidity makes the members of said website SO SUPER UNCOMFORTABLE. You start talking about the sort of website that, frankly, I would want no part of - since I know I don't belong there.

Have you not made any meaningful connections/friendships with people from this site who are not lesbians? Haven't you? Not even one? Think hard - I bet you have. And would you be willing to give up any non-lesbian friends you've made in favour of having a website where you would never have to associate with anybody who is different from you?