Reactions to Embracing Your Femme(ness)

[girl_dee]

When you are out with your SO at dinner and the server looks at you both, back and forth and then looks away and says:

*is this on the same ticket?*



or at the end of the meal they come over and slideeeeeee the dinner ticket between you so as not to ask *who's paying*


i love the old guys who stare at Syr, then at me, then back at Syr.

[The_Lady_Snow]

Originally Posted by Cajun_dee

When you are out with your SO at dinner and the server looks at you both, back and forth and then looks away and says:

*is this on the same ticket?*



or at the end of the meal they come over and slideeeeeee the dinner ticket between you so as not to ask *who's paying*


i love the old guys who stare at Syr, then at me, then back at Syr.

I find that most people who ignorantly ask if I'm with mine that they're so stuck on straight privilege that they forget their manners. It's rude, unprofesional, and ignorant.


As for the check it's 9 times out of 10 handed to me, I tend to make it very clear in the world who's Master & Commander of our voyage in the world.

[girl_dee]

Originally Posted by The_Lady_Snow

I find that most people who ignorantly ask if I'm with mine that they're so stuck on straight privilege that they forget their manners. It's rude, unprofesional, and ignorant.


As for the check it's 9 times out of 10 handed to me, I tend to make it very clear in the world who's Master & Commander of our voyage in the world.

i find the patrons are way more rude/ignorant than most waitstaff. i suppose the staff are so cautious about making assumptions that they just stumble at times.

[The_Lady_Snow]

Originally Posted by Cajun_dee

i find the patrons are way more rude/ignorant than most waitstaff. i suppose the staff are so cautious about making assumptions that they just stumble at times.

We're foodie, traveling, food truck experiencing kinda folk so with patrons it regional .



When we've travelled out West, up North our dynamic wasn't a biggie with staff or patrons we can either enjoy our meal as a couple or as a family.


In Wyoming and The South regardless of how deep it is staff and patrons are down right rude, imposing, and irritating.


I'm not a fan of having my experiences in life ruined by isms from anyone I'm handing my money to. If you're stupid enough to stare as I walk through to be seated I'm going to br vocally expressive and ask that they mind their business. If it's not a known Queer safe establishment or town I'm pretty prepared to deal with idiots in a calm demeanor. That goes out the window if the man cub is around and anyone chooses to cross into our space. It's not pretty but it's something not new when it comes to assholes.

[girl_dee]

Originally Posted by The_Lady_Snow

We're foodie, traveling, food truck experiencing kinda folk so with patrons it regional .



When we've travelled out West, up North our dynamic wasn't a biggie with staff or patrons we can either enjoy our meal as a couple or as a family.


In Wyoming and The South regardless of how deep it is staff and patrons are down right rude, imposing, and irritating.


I'm not a fan of having my experiences in life ruined by isms from anyone I'm handing my money to. If you're stupid enough to stare as I walk through to be seated I'm going to br vocally expressive and ask that they mind their business. If it's not a known Queer safe establishment or town I'm pretty prepared to deal with idiots in a calm demeanor. That goes out the window if the man cub is around and anyone chooses to cross into our space. It's not pretty but it's something not new when it comes to assholes.

Yaknow i thought it was just me but i have noticed a difference in wait staff in regions.

Even in the language they use to address us.

[girl_dee]

Spritz,

your #3 hit home for me in a way. People, even family often think because we are queer we will embrace their *ism* for something or other.

That's not a femme exclusive thing but it bugs me when people do it.

It used to happen in the work place, for example, they would seem so shocked when i spoke out against the stupidity, like i was a party pooper. We were all friends so they thought nothing was out of line for me.

i was the only (out) queer so they assumed i was safe and the heavy comments came AFTER i came out to them. Like i was a challenge to the men. Yaknow the "she needs a good man " thing.

Not ok!

[girl_dee]

thinking...

One of Syr's favorite places to eat is the family Truck Stop in town. The food is excellent, the staff is great and the price isn't bad either. It's very casual and usually composed of 99% truck driver men. It's a truck stop on a highway. Sometimes i see couples or a family there now and then.

Where i am from queers stay away from places like that. It's just asking for trouble. Maybe it is here too but with Syr you would never know that even if it were. i haven't seen anyone challenge her that's for sure.

She walks in, as if no one is in the place, has a seat and commences to read the menu, order and etc calm as you please. People stare, they glare, they whisper ..... she is tattooed and has a flat top... maybe they are not used to seeing a woman walk about like she does.

At first i was a bit taken back by that, like *doesn't she SEE the looks and stares?????* *why does she want to eat HERE?*.

Culture shock i guess.

i've learned a lot about just being yourself and not worrying about the rest of the world with her over the years.

[spritzerJ]

Originally Posted by Cajun_dee

Spritz,

your #3 hit home for me in a way. People, even family often think because we are queer we will embrace their *ism* for something or other.

That's not a femme exclusive thing but it bugs me when people do it.

It used to happen in the work place, for example, they would seem so shocked when i spoke out against the stupidity, like i was a party pooper. We were all friends so they thought nothing was out of line for me.

i was the only (out) queer so they assumed i was safe and the heavy comments came AFTER i came out to them. Like i was a challenge to the men. Yaknow the "she needs a good man " thing.

Not ok!

I want to say that the phenomenon I was referencing is like their internal dialogue was "Hay I "accepted your queer now be fair and accept my -ism".

I'm not usually so grouchy. I just keep trying to mentally scrub myself from the first week back to school and the work BS.

There can be beautiful femme experiences. I've had them with Stoney. Hy takes the time to enjoy my presentation in looks and adores my mind.

When you describe how Syr eats at the truck stop so peacefully that is how I want to feel about being femme. Comfortable enough in how I look so where ever I go my mannerisms convey that there is no point to trying to limit me based on looks. And thus begins the we live in a sexist world carousel in my head.

[The_Lady_Snow]

Originally Posted by Cajun_dee

Yaknow i thought it was just me but i have noticed a difference in wait staff in regions.

Even in the language they use to address us.

The south in all it's deepness drives me absolutely fucking nuts with the obnoxious patron/staff familiars...


The assignment of labels such as "ladies", "missies", "honeys" drive me nuts and ruin my going out experience.

I prefer my dining/outing experiences not to turn into forced uncomfortable spaces because their service people aren't trained properly. I'm a fan of comment cards.

[Bleu]

Originally Posted by spritzerJ

I am currently experiencing considerable femme angst right now.

Thank you, spritzerJ for including this comment in your experience as it describes my state regularly these days.

I come from a long line of low-level military enlisted and garbage men. I relate to the men in my family much more than to the women. I was taught to survive in this world by a hand-to hand combat specialist. He was a Marine who was parceled out to Navy Seals and Army Rangers and Air Force pilots. He taught people how to kill face-to-face once all other options had been depleted. My body was raised by my mother, a sporty tennis player type, however, my spirit was raised by my father.

6’2” and chiseled he was man who could not embrace his own sexuality. He was remarkably strong yet simultaneously excruciatingly weak. As I look back on growing up and examine how I got to who/where I am today, I see that my father was the one who had the most impact on my psyche thus, I absorbed many of his traits. This sponging of my father was both good and bad. Mostly bad. I have fought his effects on me and ultimately had to find my true self on my own, as we all do. Still searching, by the way.

Okay, so sometimes I do curse like a longshoreman. I have found that this trait is usually a turn-off for many a butch and some of my femme sisters too. I love butches but I feel that butches are not attracted to me. Oh yeah, they are on the surface. I’m curvy, I look nice in a dress, wear heels on occasion (the right occasions) and wear make-up, blah blah blah. I like to do these things as I feel more comfortable in my own skin when I do. But, when it comes down to my need for intellectual conversation, or someone who likes my mind for what it is, someone who just “gets” me…nope. The butches run. Every single relationship I have ever had with a butch has failed miserably. This is not easy for me to reveal here on this website half-populated with butches, some who I think are attractive and whom I look forward to meeting in September or whenever. What I find ends up happening is that I sometimes clam up around people, butches and femmes alike, as when I allow myself to be just me, I feel I am rejected. I am so sick of feeling rejected by my members of my own culture. (I use the word feeling in the previous sentence because being may not actually be accurate and I can accept, and do recognize, that I am living in a world of my own perception.)

On the topic of the outside world and those who think I am straight by the way I look. I could give a f... (there I go again.) I don’t even feel accepted by my own culture, and I am way more concerned about that than whether or not some het at the grocery store sees me for who/what I am. What I don’t like at the grocery store is when I see a butch and try to catch their eye. They turn away and purposefully do not make eye contact with me…and this is a direct result of how I look. I am a femme stuck inside a soccer mom’s body and I am invisible to the people to whom I want to most be visible. I had one butch tell me it’s because I look so straight that I am shunned by the public butch. That too many butches-at-large have succumbed to a het woman’s experimental desires and melted at their deadly charms. Then they get hurt or feel duped and so they shy away from a public femme smile. Just a warm “I see you” smile. Holy hen shit, I don’t want to jump in your pants just because I smiled at you. But that is what it feels like to me, that I am shunned because I am femme. I am so presently, in my mind, femme that I find it hard to step outside myself at every moment and see myself the way the world might be seeing me at that given moment. Sheesh, it’s exhausting. So, I feel rejected every time. Wah wah, f’in wah…right? Shut up, Bleu, no one wants to hear your whiney shit…

I have lived 43 years mentally beaten about how I look. As a small girl, up to 12ish, I was androgynous. Most people thought my brother and I were brothers. I acted like a boy and I fought beside him with boys, as a boy. I was a transgendered child. Then by junior high school I was the girl who blossomed WAY too quickly, having to go with my mother to the ladies section of the department stores to purchase expensive foundation to “reign” them in. Coming out...an OMG! 27 year journey in a few sentences...I tried butch for a while as I somehow equated being a strong lesbian as presenting to the world as a “don’t f... with me” butch. Honestly, I liked how I was treated by folks in the het world as a butch, then realized I was not attracting to me the butches whom I wanted so much to like me. I slowly morphed into a femme and here I am today. I mostly like being femme. But I really just want to be liked and loved for who I am on the inside. Some friends on here have laughed with me about what percentage butch I am…2.5% is the consensus. One certain femme friend called me a futch…cute! On my profile I use the phrase, reluctant femme. I am asked about that on occasion and I have a fairly standard answer stemming around labels, but in writing this, I find I might be more accurate to just state that I acquiesce to myself.

[spritzerJ]

I should start with a bit of a warning... I am tired today.

Embracing my femmeness is recent. Like the pendulum swung in the femme direction and hovers there now. I've spent most of my adult life being blah (my own word since I really tried not to stand out), middle of the road, androgynous looking. I've not questioned my connection to being a woman. Overall, I've felt no disconnect from the body I was born into (my eyelashes are very thin and I don't like that since it is strictly out of proportion to the rest of my bodies dimensions).

These days I don't mind standing out and being more "girly" looking. Dressing in a way that feels good to me. I am very tired of the assumptions that go with the "girly" look. This may be one of the reasons I didn't dress this way before that I forgot.

Assumptions that irritate me:
1. that I am straight. travel with a child and good luck ever being seen when standing without at another queer person around you to stimulate the question of is she?

2. that I am more concerned with how I and others look than ideas/thoughts. My brain is so much more important to me than my body when it comes to how I want people to experience me. It is what I focus on in getting to know other people.

3. the but you are so girly looks/statements when I speak about feminism, sexism, classism, and racism. People share their -isms more openly, as if I will condone them or something. I am sure I am not adequately describing this phenomenon but it freaks me out. the oh I thought you'd be okay with it looks or statements.

4. my dry and subtle sarcasm is totally misunderstood more now than it was before. I really don't want to change that part of me so I use more disclaimers which totally ruins the punch line or the thought provoking nature of saying the exact opposite of what I really think with a straight expressionless face.

Being at work really highlights how femme I am and how femme I am not. That maybe because I work in a very weird section of the state. I am considering going for the hippy look. Just so people won't be so limiting. I am currently experiencing considerable femme angst right now.

[mariamma]

Originally Posted by spritzerJ

Assumptions that irritate me:
1. that I am straight. travel with a child and good luck ever being seen when standing without at another queer person around you to stimulate the question of is she?

That one really bugs me too. Mostly because it comes from LGBTQI people the most. I understand about being 'blah' and kind of inconspicuous. In my experience, it's more about not being seen by potential attackers or competitors (women and men).

Again, this is a great thread and I love the perspective y'all share here. Thanks!

[Leigh]

Originally Posted by Cajun_dee

Leigh,

Thank you SOOOOOOO Much for sharing your story.

We have all had growing pains i am sure of that, sharing them is a wonderful thing!

dee

I'm glad I shared it, and its so nice to be able to share with others who understand and who have been brave enough to share their own stories with the rest of us. We have all gone through alot in our lives, and I definitely appreciate everyone for being able to tell their stories here

[NJFemmie]

Originally Posted by spritzerJ
Assumptions that irritate me:
1. that I am straight. travel with a child and good luck ever being seen when standing without at another queer person around you to stimulate the question of is she?


That one really bugs me too. Mostly because it comes from LGBTQI people the most. I understand about being 'blah' and kind of inconspicuous. In my experience, it's more about not being seen by potential attackers or competitors (women and men).

This doesn't even bother me anymore. In a world where everything is basically take at face value, even I have a hard time figuring some people out.

I was at a bar once with my very butch poster child best friend. A guy came up to me and asked, "Okay, so I know she is, but are you?"

Bitch please. We were in a gay bar for God's sake.

It does come in handy at times though - i.e. attackers, etc.