FTM place to vent and talk

Hominid · 10-28-2012, 07:05 PM

I am interested in women, similarly to Darbonaire. I am less interested in how she identifies, outside of respecting it. If she's into me and vice versa, I could care less. I tend to be attracted in real life to straight women - then again, for the most part, those are the only ones I meet. I do have a faint memory of wanting a straight woman earlier in transition - not as a conquest or anything, but I see that then I wanted to be clear I was not "other" - I was male. Now, I think a queer femme or some iteration from the community would save a lot of time and effort - being understood on some fundamental level and not having to "teach".

I have not had to tell anyone that I am trans. I don't want to. I dread it. So I limit my own self when it comes to moving in the real world. I really don't know if I could handle the aftermath (embarrassment). But I am on some main stream dating sites, and after a long description of myself, I reveal that I am trans. I've had some interest from straight women, less from bi women. As far as an actual "meet", I had breakfast with a wonderfully geeky woman the other day and she seems very interested. I have to force myself to reach out to several women a week who interest me. The percentages of responses are dismal at best, but then again, most women are inundated.

Darbonaire · 10-28-2012, 07:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hominid

I am interested in women, similarly to Darbonaire. I am less interested in how she identifies, outside of respecting it. If she's into me and vice versa, I could care less. I tend to be attracted in real life to straight women - then again, for the most part, those are the only ones I meet. I do have a faint memory of wanting a straight woman earlier in transition - not as a conquest or anything, but I see that then I wanted to be clear I was not "other" - I was male. Now, I think a queer femme or some iteration from the community would save a lot of time and effort - being understood on some fundamental level and not having to "teach".

I have not had to tell anyone that I am trans. I don't want to. I dread it. So I limit my own self when it comes to moving in the real world. I really don't know if I could handle the aftermath (embarrassment). But I am on some main stream dating sites, and after a long description of myself, I reveal that I am trans. I've had some interest from straight women, less from bi women. As far as an actual "meet", I had breakfast with a wonderfully geeky woman the other day and she seems very interested. I have to force myself to reach out to several women a week who interest me. The percentages of responses are dismal at best, but then again, most women are inundated.

dating sites.....I prefer to meet folks r/t......but hey....maybe when the time is right...who knows !

BrutalDaddy · 10-28-2012, 07:30 PM

Interesting discussion going on in the sense that it's not something I ever really thought about.

Guess you could say the reasoning being that I didn't truly get how "okay" it would be for me to fully come out about being FTM until I met 'sational/Julie. Since then, well she's my wife so it's not even a question in my mind but this question/thought has got me thinking.

I don't think I could ever date a straight woman. Not being judgemental or saying it's anything they would do wrong but it's purely me. Having gone through the journey I've gone through and still going through, I don't know if I could ever have that understanding from a straight female that I would get from a female that lives within the realm of the rainbow

For me, it's hard enough trying to explain my situation to those around me (mainly family and some friends who ask). They are all straight. Yet I know without a shadow of a doubt that I can come in here, verbally vomit anything out (that has to do with me and transitioning) and 9 out of 10 females would GET IT. Whereas with straight women, not so much.

So I feel like I'd rather be with a woman who can somewhat get me, my frustrations, my joy (at being seen as a male out there), my embarrassments, my everything. That's what I have now with Julie. She gets it because she is gay. She understands that society will never completely so get it. I can come home one day and be upset because of how I was perceived and she gets that totally.

Maybe I'm being judgemental because like I said, I've never really dated a straight woman while in transition so I could be way off base. I just know that, if I were single, I honestly think I'd be way more comfortable dating someone from within the rainbow then outside of it. I just want to make sure that I'm understood. That I'm not looked at with pity or that whole, "boy I gots no idea why she'd do that but if it makes her happy, eh who cares". I have enough family members that do that. Lol.

Anyway, good topic. Thanks for the brain food.

Loves Me Some Brain,
Brute.

Darbonaire · 10-28-2012, 07:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BrutalDyke

Interesting discussion going on in the sense that it's not something I ever really thought about.

Guess you could say the reasoning being that I didn't truly get how "okay" it would be for me to fully come out about being FTM until I met 'sational/Julie. Since then, well she's my wife so it's not even a question in my mind but this question/thought has got me thinking.

I don't think I could ever date a straight woman. Not being judgemental or saying it's anything they would do wrong but it's purely me. Having gone through the journey I've gone through and still going through, I don't know if I could ever have that understanding from a straight female that I would get from a female that lives within the realm of the rainbow

For me, it's hard enough trying to explain my situation to those around me (mainly family and some friends who ask). They are all straight. Yet I know without a shadow of a doubt that I can come in here, verbally vomit anything out (that has to do with me and transitioning) and 9 out of 10 females would GET IT. Whereas with straight women, not so much.

So I feel like I'd rather be with a woman who can somewhat get me, my frustrations, my joy (at being seen as a male out there), my embarrassments, my everything. That's what I have now with Julie. She gets it because she is gay. She understands that society will never completely so get it. I can come home one day and be upset because of how I was perceived and she gets that totally.

Maybe I'm being judgemental because like I said, I've never really dated a straight woman while in transition so I could be way off base. I just know that, if I were single, I honestly think I'd be way more comfortable dating someone from within the rainbow then outside of it. I just want to make sure that I'm understood. That I'm not looked at with pity or that whole, "boy I gots no idea why she'd do that but if it makes her happy, eh who cares". I have enough family members that do that. Lol.

Anyway, good topic. Thanks for the brain food.

Loves Me Some Brain,
Brute.

which is why I'm back on this site....cause it WILL be "easier" if the woman understands about us. I just find myself in a group of freinds that I love & enjoy & they happen to be straight so......when in Rome....LOL......anyway, it's just something I'm kicking around. Like I said..i am SO not ready yet......have a ways to go to heal yet. I wouldn't do that to ANY woman straight or lesbian.

BrutalDaddy · 10-28-2012, 07:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Darbonaire

which is why I'm back on this site....cause it WILL be "easier" if the woman understands about us. I just find myself in a group of freinds that I love & enjoy & they happen to be straight so......when in Rome....LOL......anyway, it's just something I'm kicking around. Like I said..i am SO not ready yet......have a ways to go to heal yet. I wouldn't do that to ANY woman straight or lesbian.

I get what you're saying. All of our friends are straight as well. Comes with territory of area we live in but also the gay folks that do live near there really won't have anything to do with us because of the whole FTM/femme status. I guess they think we're "traitors" to our own kind? Lol. Whatever their deal is, we don't worry about it and actually love our straight friends. Only one of them (Julie's best friend) really gets it I think. The rest just kinda get that glazed over look in their eyes then pretend they never heard any of it. Go figure.

When you're ready, you'll know.

Brute.

Hominid · 10-28-2012, 08:04 PM

I've actually gotten the most flak from vanilla lesbians and butch lesbians - after some conversation, at least with one who was a true enough friend to have it, and with others over time, there was an element of threat/jealousy/something. One friend told me that she wishes she could transition - and I can see it. She's thrilled when someone sees her as male. I can remember, pre-transition, thinking ftms were weak - that it took more strength to be female and masculine, and that I was more masculine as a butch than 99% of the men I knew. Over time (with butches), I tried to recognize their masculinity, and make clear that my male-ness was NOT masculinity in and of itself. Now, they don't "see" me, so it's not an issue in that way. It IS an issue as far as meeting others in the community (another friend and I have compared my position with femme invisibility).

Quote:

Originally Posted by BrutalDyke

I get what you're saying. All of our friends are straight as well. Comes with territory of area we live in but also the gay folks that do live near there really won't have anything to do with us because of the whole FTM/femme status. I guess they think we're "traitors" to our own kind? Lol. Whatever their deal is, we don't worry about it and actually love our straight friends. Only one of them (Julie's best friend) really gets it I think. The rest just kinda get that glazed over look in their eyes then pretend they never heard any of it. Go figure.

When you're ready, you'll know.

Brute.

BrutalDaddy · 10-28-2012, 08:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hominid

I've actually gotten the most flak from vanilla lesbians and butch lesbians - after some conversation, at least with one who was a true enough friend to have it, and with others over time, there was an element of threat/jealousy/something. One friend told me that she wishes she could transition - and I can see it. She's thrilled when someone sees her as male. I can remember, pre-transition, thinking ftms were weak - that it took more strength to be female and masculine, and that I was more masculine as a butch than 99% of the men I knew. Over time (with butches), I tried to recognize their masculinity, and make clear that my male-ness was NOT masculinity in and of itself. Now, they don't "see" me, so it's not an issue in that way. It IS an issue as far as meeting others in the community (another friend and I have compared my position with femme invisibility).

Exactly! Julie and I have actually talked about how she goes through femme invisibility and I go through FTM invisibility, both in straight and rainbow world. Maybe that's why I feel I would be way more comfortable with a femme if I were single, versus a straight woman. I've never met a straight woman who suffers from feeling invisible with her own idenity but I've met plenty of femmes who have. It's that tangible common ground/connection that makes the relationship/friendship/whatever it is that much more bonded. That understanding of what the other must go through.

You know I've tried really hard to understand what the issue folks from our own world have against us (her and I) but I can not figure it out. Finally got to a point where I don't care, for the most part. Won't lie, still gets to me sometimes because it really would be nice to be around "family" face to face but that'll happen come September at the Reunion! Not only get to put faces with the names of folks we've talked to for years but also get to soak up the real life experience of being "home", so to speak.

weatherboi · 10-28-2012, 08:19 PM

In my past I found some of my fears and apprehension and some apprehension my friends felt over my trans status may have caused some angst but for the most part I think all my butch friends and lesbian friends are very supportive and interested in my life here and in everyday. I have never felt like I am in competition with people over my gender and I don't think they have ever felt this way with me.

BrutalDaddy · 10-28-2012, 08:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by weatherboi

In my past I found some of my fears and apprehension and some apprehension my friends felt over my trans status may have caused some angst but for the most part I think all my butch friends and lesbian friends are very supportive and interested in my life here and in everyday. I have never felt like I am in competition with people over my gender and I don't think they have ever felt this way with me.

I'm glad you've got friends who are supportive. Wish I could say same for her and I. Unfortunately we've gotten shitted on quite a bit over the years but it's their issue, not ours.

I still remember our first date. Took her to a local gay club/bar and soon as we walked in the door, you could've heard a pin drop. Also if looks could wither, we'd crumpled to the floor. Lol.

Funny thing is, I've met some butches who were just fine with us until they found out that I was FTM. Then came the stares, the sneers, the eyerolling. Don't even think it's a competition thing at all with them because I'm very content with who I am and also very content with who they are and how they identify. It's literally an issue of being "traitors" because I want to be a man (even though it's not a "want" but something that just is) which is the easier, softer way for them. No matter the fact that it's the harder path for me to take since now I have to deal judgement from society AND the rainbow.

Darbonaire · 10-29-2012, 06:07 AM

When you're ready, you'll know.

Brute.[/QUOTE]

Yeah, I think I will...thanks !

You two have a great day !

Jonathan

10-28-2012, 07:05 PM	#1
Hominid Member How Do You Identify?: Male with interesting historical perspective Relationship Status: Taking Applications Join Date: Jul 2012 Location: In perpetual Wonder. And Western Mass. Posts: 254 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 417 Thanked 753 Times in 187 Posts Rep Power: 11507408	women! I am interested in women, similarly to Darbonaire. I am less interested in how she identifies, outside of respecting it. If she's into me and vice versa, I could care less. I tend to be attracted in real life to straight women - then again, for the most part, those are the only ones I meet. I do have a faint memory of wanting a straight woman earlier in transition - not as a conquest or anything, but I see that then I wanted to be clear I was not "other" - I was male. Now, I think a queer femme or some iteration from the community would save a lot of time and effort - being understood on some fundamental level and not having to "teach". I have not had to tell anyone that I am trans. I don't want to. I dread it. So I limit my own self when it comes to moving in the real world. I really don't know if I could handle the aftermath (embarrassment). But I am on some main stream dating sites, and after a long description of myself, I reveal that I am trans. I've had some interest from straight women, less from bi women. As far as an actual "meet", I had breakfast with a wonderfully geeky woman the other day and she seems very interested. I have to force myself to reach out to several women a week who interest me. The percentages of responses are dismal at best, but then again, most women are inundated.

10-28-2012, 08:19 PM	#8
weatherboi Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: Owned boy Preferred Pronoun?: Hey boy!!! Relationship Status: counting freckles slowly under Her direction!!! Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: i have 2 sets of geographic coordinates!!! Posts: 6,097 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 26,797 Thanked 12,549 Times in 2,993 Posts Rep Power: 21474858	In my past I found some of my fears and apprehension and some apprehension my friends felt over my trans status may have caused some angst but for the most part I think all my butch friends and lesbian friends are very supportive and interested in my life here and in everyday. I have never felt like I am in competition with people over my gender and I don't think they have ever felt this way with me. __________________

10-29-2012, 06:07 AM	#10
Darbonaire Timed Out How Do You Identify?: MALE Preferred Pronoun?: He Relationship Status: Working on myself, thank you Join Date: Jul 2011 Location: Virginia Posts: 186 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 343 Thanked 552 Times in 145 Posts Rep Power: 0	Yep... When you're ready, you'll know. Brute.[/QUOTE] Yeah, I think I will...thanks ! You two have a great day ! Jonathan

10-28-2012, 07:30 PM	#3
BrutalDaddy Member How Do You Identify?: Her Asshole. Preferred Pronoun?: Him, hym, he, whatever. Relationship Status: Bitch has no more excuses now. Join Date: May 2012 Location: Lower Alabama Posts: 519 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 206 Thanked 2,785 Times in 499 Posts Rep Power: 21474850	Interesting discussion going on in the sense that it's not something I ever really thought about. Guess you could say the reasoning being that I didn't truly get how "okay" it would be for me to fully come out about being FTM until I met 'sational/Julie. Since then, well she's my wife so it's not even a question in my mind but this question/thought has got me thinking. I don't think I could ever date a straight woman. Not being judgemental or saying it's anything they would do wrong but it's purely me. Having gone through the journey I've gone through and still going through, I don't know if I could ever have that understanding from a straight female that I would get from a female that lives within the realm of the rainbow For me, it's hard enough trying to explain my situation to those around me (mainly family and some friends who ask). They are all straight. Yet I know without a shadow of a doubt that I can come in here, verbally vomit anything out (that has to do with me and transitioning) and 9 out of 10 females would GET IT. Whereas with straight women, not so much. So I feel like I'd rather be with a woman who can somewhat get me, my frustrations, my joy (at being seen as a male out there), my embarrassments, my everything. That's what I have now with Julie. She gets it because she is gay. She understands that society will never completely so get it. I can come home one day and be upset because of how I was perceived and she gets that totally. Maybe I'm being judgemental because like I said, I've never really dated a straight woman while in transition so I could be way off base. I just know that, if I were single, I honestly think I'd be way more comfortable dating someone from within the rainbow then outside of it. I just want to make sure that I'm understood. That I'm not looked at with pity or that whole, "boy I gots no idea why she'd do that but if it makes her happy, eh who cares". I have enough family members that do that. Lol. Anyway, good topic. Thanks for the brain food. Loves Me Some Brain, Brute.