Question to butches and how they deal with differences in dating

[homoe]

I want to expand on the compliment factor because I'm a very curious person in general. Are femmes suspicious when a butch gives them compliment? I mean do you think a butch has an ultra motive if they do or are you more inclined to just accept the compliment at face value? The way I've always looked upon compliments are they cost nothing to give, and can make a person's whole day!

[imperfect_cupcake]

Originally Posted by homoe

I want to expand on the compliment factor because I'm a very curious person in general. Are femmes suspicious when a butch gives them compliment? I mean do you think a butch has an ultra motive if they do or are you more inclined to just accept the compliment at face value? The way I've always looked upon compliments are they cost nothing to give, and can make a person whole day!

It depends on your "love language" thing. Right? I get very uncomfortable with compliments given certain ways. But then I'm not a "words of affirmation" type.

Like for instance, I'm going to be far more endeared and swoony over someone saying "hey gimpy, get your hot arse in the car so I can drive you home, you are giving me a public boner with that slutty limp" with a big grin when I've injured my foot than. "Forsooth, my goddess, your pearlescent toes are wilting and causing the Angels to weep. May I please take your divine splendour home in my humble and unworthy wagon?"

I also prefer "mouthy tart" to "my beauteous wonder of feminine light"

But that's also because I prefer humour and endearment. I feel someone gets me and really likes me and feels comfortable with me.

[The_Lady_Snow]

Originally Posted by homoe

I want to expand on the compliment factor because I'm a very curious person in general. Are femmes suspicious when a butch gives them compliment? I mean do you think a butch has an ultra motive if they do or are you more inclined to just accept the compliment at face value? The way I've always looked upon compliments are they cost nothing to give, and can make a person's whole day!

Depends on how it's given and timing.. Sometimes timing is very important, I get complimenting someone you find attractive or whatever it is you are feeling, that's different than super imposing some weird machismo oh look I am taking time out of my life to let validate you..

That right there, makes me want to throat punch someone, very few people have good game, smoothness or je ne sais qua..

Sometimes people get pissy when you don't acknowledge a what they deem a compliment, it's really hard to explain and I am unsure if this only happens to feminine.female identified folk...

[nycfem]

I'm a 42 year old femme paired with an almost-59 year old butch (17 year age difference). We've been together 10 years, have lived together in small quarters almost that long, and are very happy together. When we first met at a mutual friend's birthday party, we had immediate lust. In two weeks BB was saying hy was in love with me. That sent me into a panic and I broke up repeatedly and dated other people. BB also ultimately wanted monogamy, and I didn't know if that would work for me. BB got sick of the drama from me and decided to stop all contact with me. This was helpful as it gave me time to think about what I wanted over the course of months. I decided that I did want a relationship with BB and announced that I was ready for a real commitment with an eye towards the long-term. BB was like (paraphrasing), "My friends think you're a crazy bitch, but what the hell, you're cute, and I'm still in love with you so let's go for it." I lived up to my promise and both of us feel that all's well that ends well.

BB said hy was totally into monogamy and private kink. I was more into poly and swing kink. BB said that it was fine if we wanted to come up with some kind of compromise, that hy didn't want to stifle my identity and that we could find some kind of arrangement that both of us were comfortable with. Ultimately I just decided to go with the monogamy because it seemed like such a drag to have to process which would have been necessary if we wanted to go with these two different ways of life. It felt like it would be like raising a kid with two different religions, a little complicated and possibly creating a distance between us. The one thing I did negotiate was that I didn't want to drop my flirtatious personality, and that was agreed upon.

We both struggled with how to romance each other. Early on BB bought me some very traditional expensive pieces of jewelry, and it made me very uncomfortable. Besides my HK engagement ring, I didn't want what reminds me of the trappings of traditional cis-het romance. I hate flowers. When you get flowers, you suddenly have work to do (water, a vase, petals dropping as they rot). I don't eat chocolate, and everyone gets me chocolate. It's an easy gift that people give all the time. At least chocolate is easy to regift! I also struggled with how to romance BB. For hys birthday I used to get expensive concert tickets and weekends away for us that I couldn't afford. It was very stressful for me. I didn't share these feelings, and I felt it was what I should do. Luckily out of the blue BB told me that hy didn't need these grand gestures and that small meaningful gestures and even just time together was what mattered. That was a relief.

[CherylNYC]

Originally Posted by homoe

I want to expand on the compliment factor because I'm a very curious person in general. Are femmes suspicious when a butch gives them compliment? I mean do you think a butch has an ultra motive if they do or are you more inclined to just accept the compliment at face value? The way I've always looked upon compliments are they cost nothing to give, and can make a person's whole day!

True confessions: I'm irrationally upset by compliments. I can usually handle the first one, but each successive compliment makes me progressively more uncomfortable. Excessive compliments would make anyone uncomfortable, but I start feeling weird from compliment #1. I think I feel as if the person complimenting me is just setting both of us for some sort of huge disappointment later. I've gotten much better at graciously accepting a few, but it hasn't been easy. Now I just warn everyone when they're about to exceed their ration for the day/week/month. It's not that I don't want to know if my date finds me attractive. I certainly want that! I just inappropriately get that strange 'uh-oh' feeling whenever I get complimented.

I'm a 52 y/o femme, by the way. I'm also non-monogamous, and unlike the vast majority of posters here, I don't see monogamy as an eventuality once I start getting serious about someone. I expect to remain some kind of non-monogamous throughout my committed relationship(s).

[Bèsame*]

Originally Posted by homoe

I want to expand on the compliment factor because I'm a very curious person in general. Are femmes suspicious when a butch gives them compliment? I mean do you think a butch has an ultra motive if they do or are you more inclined to just accept the compliment at face value? The way I've always looked upon compliments are they cost nothing to give, and can make a person's whole day!

Its all about timing and whether or not it's sincere. I can usually tell, if it's about the moment, something I'm wearing or was brought up in conversation. It's obvious if you pulled that compliment from out of no where. There is no face value, perhaps an ulterior motive would be suspected. But again, all about timing.

[imperfect_cupcake]

Originally Posted by Bèsame*

Its all about timing and whether or not it's sincere. I can usually tell, if it's about the moment, something I'm wearing or was brought up in conversation. It's obvious if you pulled that compliment from out of no where. There is no face value, perhaps an ulterior motive would be suspected. But again, all about timing.

I think that's part of it for sure. If someone is wearing a tie I can't keep my eyes off, I'll say "that's a *cracking* tie you've got on" but I don't turn to someone in the morning and say "you look lovely today, my darling" just because they are standing there and I want to be nice. That feels awkward to be on the recivieng end for me - compliments to be gracious and positive and not deeply felt. Again, I hate excess of sentiment though and would prefer they made me laugh or giggle with a joke and a wink, if they want to be positive and make me feel good.

It doesn't mean I dont enjoy good manners, it means I wasn't taught that way and I don't fit into that formula of "how to be polite"

That's why when I date some one, compatible sense of humour is one of stop three traits I need in partner. Someone who understands I prefer wit, playful sarcasm, teasing and endearment rather than formal politeness, ritual gratuity, and sentimental outpouring. I know I don't fit into other peoples molds of "what girls like" but you know we are all individuals and I don't like people getting arsey because I don't fit into a math formula about "wot u do to treat girlz so they likes me".

Butches are blokey. Blokes like tools. I'm going to give a butch a saw cause that's what butches like, right? What do you mean not all butches want a saw? This is so complicated! Its like no one has old school values anymore.

I know the above is silly, but that's what it often looks like to me. How about, a butch is an individual person with individual family history and cultural upbringing as well as a personality. So I'm going to find out what that butch wants by talking to them and not taking it as a blow to my ego if I make a mistake. If they are a dick about it, then they can bugger off.

Edit to add: if they *want* me to verbally praise them I will do my best and find reason to. However if they want it more than what feels fun or natural to me and it feels like I'm trying to hard then its not going to feel good for them either. Just like me asking someone to " be more witty" is not going to really work. I do absolutely take my partners needs into co aideration, but again, if we are dating, rather than being a partner, it's going to be quite noticeable where something like this is really clunky in a way that won't jive.

Like one person I dated for a few weeks really wanted a lot of praise and reassurance. For me it was a lot. It found it to start to get on my nerves. To someone else, it may be natural to give that level. She also gave lots and lots of unasked for praise to me about stuff and again, I found that gave me a facial tick. It grated. Badly. Every time wed hang out shed tell me I was a "generous spirit" and I tried to get her to stop but she told me I didn't know how to take a proper compliment. And I'd better get used to it (boundary crossing alert...)

But I'm sire there would be others who loved it!

Again, for me, whole point of dating.

[Cin]

Originally Posted by imperfect_cupcake

Every time wed hang out shed tell me I was a "generous spirit" and I tried to get her to stop but she told me I didn't know how to take a proper compliment.

I dated this woman once who constantly told me how kind I was. "You're so kind", "You have such a kind way about you", you're really a kind and compassionate person" and on and on and on with that "kind" thing. It got so I would cringe every time I heard a hard K come out of her mouth. I started thinking about what I could do to change her mind about how kind I was. I fantasized how the next time she said how kind I was I would punch her in the face. I figured that would do it. What I ended up doing is what I always do. I talked the issue to death. Whenever she would say how kind I was I would engage her in conversation about what she might mean by kind and how it is a bit of an abstract concept and how can a person be kind, they can act kind sometimes but I doubt they can just be kind like they can be blond. I told her ways in which I was not kind at all. I asked her to consider the possibility that she was more invested in thinking of me as kind than I ever was in being kind. And so and so on. She grew weary of me.

[imperfect_cupcake]

Have I told you lately how kind I think you are Miss Tick?

[Cin]

Originally Posted by imperfect_cupcake

Have I told you lately how kind I think you are Miss Tick?

Well now there's that generous spirit I've heard so much about!

[homoe]

Miss Tick, it was so kind of you to post and share~thanks