Rethinking our partner wishlists. Is it "settling" or adjusting to reality?

[Violette]

Originally Posted by imperfect_cupcake

I don't think we are talking about the same things. I'm talking about through expereince in life of being extremely open to pretty much everything, knowing what hurts me as a person and doesn't add to who I am. What actually makes my life far more difficult and can make me ill. Many of those things will be perfectly tolerable to someone else. It's ok for me to have needs I've found through trial and error over 32 years of relationships. It doesn't make me a closed off person that misses out. It makes me a healthy person that respects my needs and limits. I'm 46. I've been challenged in relationships before and had to figure out how to make it work, I'm not 23. I understand the concept of effort, developing parts of self and meeting challenges.

But I've also learned that respecting my needs has made me far happier than putting my needs aside to stay in a relationship or be so open I was made of needs less and wantless vapour. I have a history of codependency. That means I had to learn that it's ok to have needs and wants. I'm coming from the *other* extreme. Not the extreme of lists like Kobi talks about. The extreme of nothing.

I'm trying to assert here, that learning that it's perfectly OK to have needs that are non negotiable is ok. And that having wants is ok. As women, many of us didn't learn that growing up. And finding that it's ok to have them is pretty damn important.

Like I said in my other posts - I came from being extremely open and had to learn things like: I'm a sub, I can't be with another sub. I also can't be with another femme in a long term relationship. I need lots of personal space. I deeply value my independence and need someone who isn't going to constantly chaLange me on that or I'll get depressed. I stuggle with atypical depression so my mental health comes before my partner. I need someone who will respect that I need time to care for myself. And that means leaving me the fuck alone for a while without argument. I cannot cope with people who are capricious and moody. Stuff like that. Needs. Some people are great with things I can't cope with. It's taken me literally decades to figure it out.

And it's healthy and ok to have those needs.

Yes Yes Yes! Thank you, IC.

Grocery lists and understanding yourself well enough to know what is healthy for you and what is not are two separate things. We all have irreconcilable differences in all of our relationships if we go deep enough. And some of those are, or become too, unhealthy for one or both of the partners. Others are things/qualities you can live with. That's what time together reveals.