Open Letter: Dear Femme

[Arwen]

Originally Posted by bonne-maman

I agree strongly. All of this, "I am not good enough" crap is part of the human condition that we play out in all environments in our lives at times. We have to work at acknowledging ourselves as whole and good all of our lives.

BonneMaman, I actually think humans as a whole *tend* to think they are not good enough. I'd go into a long diatribe about competition in all things (and I do like competition) that make children feel like failures if they don't bring home straight A's.

I remember getting HYSTERICAL (no, I am not inflating that) over a C on my report card. I was sure I would never go to college and never amount to anything.

I was 10.

I think I've dragged that grade baggage into my world now. Am I just a "C" femme if I speak my mind? Do I get a "B" if I wear a dress instead of slacks? Is it "A" behaviour to bake a pie?

Originally Posted by Passionaria

I think it is important to note, that we did not create these conditions, we were born into them. So, do we owe allegiance to these false pretenses? What purpose does keeping women in competition serve on a sociological level? Control of women??????

I think that worse than being born into them, many of use (myself included) perpetuate them. I nearly smacked myself for correcting my 8 year old niece with "nice girls don't do that." WTH? Right out of my mouth. In front of my sister and cousins who all nodded in agreement.

And the feminist dyke trapped inside was raging about what I'd just done. She did not get a chance to correct that. I hope I will live to be a better example for my darling niece.

Originally Posted by SuperFemme

I don't feel that the syndrome of gossip, shunning, or the naming of the slut is entirely based in misogyny. I think it is first and foremost Fear based. So many of us have found a place where we belong after a lifetime of NOT belonging.

As someone who was one of the ones who did shun you and ostracize you, A, I can only say thank you for forgiving me. I bought into negative gossip (and participated in it.) It is one of the reasons I have been working on myself to NOT gossip/backstab/talk ugly about others. I fail. Oh Gods how I fail. I fail at this so much but I will try to correct myself immediately.

I am not proud of how I treated you, but I am glad we made up.

Now about you dating a femme.

Originally Posted by bonne-maman

I just think if ya don't wanna be friends with someone, ya don't, like, point it all out and such. "if you can't say something good about your neighbor, don't say nothin at all"

That's the Thumper quote for me. "If you can't say nothing nice, don't say nothing at all." Need to tattoo it to my TONGUE. laughing

Originally Posted by evolveme

Girls will gather and isolate. They will shun and gossip. They will punish one another by way of social mechanisms (you can even see these behaviors displayed among certain gay male groups). It takes a strong sensibility and a compassionate heart to avoid these behaviors, because they too are heavily socialized.

ETA: I think it's much more useful to understand it than to rage about the tendency.

Do you think we (girls) were taught to internalize our rage as opposed to hit or fight physically like boys so that we were more controllable? I mean not necessarily intentionally in this day and age, but back when this "feminine corralling" started? I am not sure I'm making sense.

I do think women punish one another by shunning them. I don't know what men do. But the ostracization is stunningly effective on many of us because it feeds directly into that fear of not being good enough. Not an "A" femme.

Originally Posted by Bit

People have beliefs that are vitally important to them--usually they involve "Truth" in some manifestation--and they seem to feel driven to keep others from expressing anything different.

This spoke so directly to my heart, Cath. I had to requote it. Thank you.

Originally Posted by julieisafemme

Don't judge yourself so much. Take a chance. Put yourself out there. You can't hide behind your wall forever. Or I guess you can but look at all the wonderful things that have happened since you have taken it down, just a little bit at a time!

Oh how I loved this letter. I can't begin to count the ways. Julie, hang in there. Check around to see if there is a femme tea or anything in your area. One of my most vivid "wakeup" moments was in a Hamburger Mary's in Orange County when a certain superfemme smacked me upside the head and told me to stop wearing baggy clothes. And then proceeded to buy me a t-shirt 2 sizes smaller than I normally wore. OY! She's a mean one, that bobble-headed girl.

[evolveme]

Originally Posted by Arwen

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Do you think we (girls) were taught to internalize our rage as opposed to hit or fight physically like boys so that we were more controllable? I mean not necessarily intentionally in this day and age, but back when this "feminine corralling" started? I am not sure I'm making sense.

I do think women punish one another by shunning them. I don't know what men do. But the ostracization is stunningly effective on many of us because it feeds directly into that fear of not being good enough. Not an "A" femme.

What I believe is that the result of teaching women/girls to "be good" and "not fight" was that they were made easier to control. What I believe is that the primary incentive was an evolutionary one: if females acted out aggressions physically they would be too likely to miscarry. This would directly impact the survival of our species in a negative way at a time when it mattered, i.e. a long ass time ago when we hadn't yet overfuckingpopulated the planet.

In this way, I believe that tools of the patriarchy, and the patriarchy itself, arose out of an evolutionary incentive. Their time has come and gone.

This belief is not a popular one. I'm sure you can see why.

And I could talk a long time about it, but I won't. <cheesy grin>