Femme Led Relationships and Trans/Butch/Femme Bottoms

[Sachita]

Originally Posted by Jess

While reading through this thread, I keep stopping and scratching my head just a little as I am trying to understand why it was placed in the gender, label, id forum instead of in the BDSM forum. I think because so very much of the "issue" that is originally written about is very specific to the "power exchange" relationship, which is more readily accepted and discussed within the "power exchange" community, it may be better served being *there*.

I think that in the gender/ id spectrum aspect of this subject many folks in the b-f community are a tad rigid in what their minds eye creates relating to how butches and femmes "should" interact with one another. This goes all the way to their entire vision of what butch and femme mean to them. Adjective or noun? It goes to some very core issues for some folks and with terminology constantly evolving as we ( as a part of the greater LGBT community) are becoming more self aware and more socially conscious, we either buck the changes or roll with them and hopefully grow a little on that journey.

I don't particularly see the feminine partner in a relationship "leading" as something exclusive to BDSM relationships. We ( probably) ALL have people we know, where the "woman" in the relationship "pulls the strings", as it were. The old jokes of the "taming of the shrew" or poor uncle Jake... his wife keeps him on a short leash.

Frankly, in most relationships however the dynamic of decision making, nurturing, income earning etc., is based on who does what best and whatever works for each individual couple is just what works best. I don't see a man/ male id / masculine woman ( either of them) as "less than" for choosing to express the more a) nurturing b ) domestic c) gentle or d) ( insert any word that is usually a descriptive for the traditional "home maker" role) aspects of themselves. I think this is where we can often get really twisted in how we view our peers. Too often, it can really screw with how we view ourselves as well.

In my experience in the Leather/ BDSM communities, there was far more acceptance and APPRECIATION of the roles chosen by individuals and their dynamics as a "couple" or as part of a "family". That small portion of the greater community seems to have for the most part, worked through most of the possibilities of what relationships "can be" and do not in general "judge" another's kink ( or turn-on, or whatever floats their boat). They seem to get it, when it comes down to "whatever makes you guys happy". Of course, with that said... YES, there are folks even in that very small but diverse community who still need to one up someone else or make judgements about others to make themselves feel better. What I have come to realize about all of that, is that it really comes down to individuals and not the whole community.

Personally, when I see an obvious "power exchange" that has been "chosen" , I see far more than the gender preference. It makes no difference to me where the individuals fall on the spectrum of gender portrayal. Actually one of the most interesting aspects of it all for me, is "where" individuals find their power core and how it chooses to be expressed. Ex: I have a friend who is a dominant gay man who prefers to Top from a Dominant Female space and prefers to dominate/ top masculine id'ed female/boi bottoms. His love life, however, is more of a "vanilla" gay man. He also maintains a Daddy/ girl relationship with a straight woman ( who happens to be a Femme Top) that is strictly platonic. So, where we find our, or express our "power exchange", can be and often is totally removed from where we "live", so to speak.

I dropped the Syr from my nickname here as I wanted to be able to discuss a wider range of subjects without being judged or pigeonholed as being "one of those Leather folks". I also dropped it because I am no longer as active as was in the Leather community. I no longer needed to "define" myself as primarily residing in that realm. While the exchange of power energy is still a huge turn-on , it does not limit or shape my interactions in the rest of my world.

I see this issue as more of one of self acceptance and finding your "bliss" as it goes. If you are happy, then have at it!!! Devil be damned if others feel a need to judge your path to happiness and wholeness.

I read this again and took some time really thinking about it. As you know the "scene" was a very large part of my life some years ago. Traditional relationships were not enough for me and I stepped into a reality I created based on female domination which was a combination of my sexual and spiritual needs. For whatever reason I needed the healing of power exchange and that shaped me to be the woman I am today.

I've stepped into several dynamics and lived many lives just in this lifetime. Although I sexually open-minded and experienced in all level of physical and mental types of play- bdsm, role-play, sm, I honestly never really placed myself totally into the bdsm lifestyle, per se. They were elements of it I found exciting but it was the exchange of power, the mental dynamics of "feminine power exchange" that kept me interested. Even when I started dating in the BF community I found myself drawn to those who accepted my natural dominance and was ok with me maintaining general control over our day to day. I am a strong woman who wakes up calculating my every move and use to making decisions and taking most of responsibility. Normally I am also the one that earns the most income and feel more comfortable making most of the decisions for our home. The only time I don't need to be in control if the bedroom. This is not to say I can't swing into almost any direction. I can, but now I am finding that I don't need the kinky games as much as I did when I was younger. It's more about the day to day dynamic and when it comes to intimacy I want it to be soft, bonding and comfortable for both of us. If my partner needs something I am happy to give it to them no matter what it is but my needs are fairly simple when it comes to having an orgasm.

But you're right... we all travel across that polarity. My base energy may be one way but I swing in different directions based on my needs at the moment. Perhaps this is what makes relationships so difficult? The expectation and counting on someone to always be the same rather then being able to ride and shift with them? Perhaps there is a special chemistry that allows us to accept each other no matter what the moment unfolds.

I have always been and will always be a natural alpha femme. Although you can attempt to keep me somewhat bridled it would be a shame to do this. My passions and creativity lie in my natural dominance. If you learn to feed it, seduce it you unleash the most amazing woman. This I have learn and shall not forget.

There is a huge misconception that a masculine butch can not be with an alpha femme. The truth is that the strongest people I know prefer allowing someone else to be in control. Not because they can't step up to it but prefer not to. They don't really give a shit what people think and they know who they are. A warrior fights for his Queen and subjugates himself because he adores her not because he is weak or emasculated.

Reading your post made me think a lot about the past and this has all been very reflective. There were quite a few gay men I had femdom interaction with. It was funny walking into a gay leather bar and seeing a select few groveling around me as if I was royalty. They needed this exchange as much as I did. We all need to really tune into our frequencies rather then allowing our heads to force round pegs into square holes.