Poly Relationships

[atomiczombie]

I'm not a jealous guy. If I had a girlfriend who wanted certain things that I don't want to provide, I would be happy for her to go out and experience those things so long as she is open and honest and SAFE. For example, I am strictly a stone Top. I don't have breasts. I would not have an issue with a girlfriend topping someone else or playing with someone's boobs, or playing with another femme. I think that honesty and being up front about it is the most important thing for me.

[girl_dee]

Originally Posted by HoustonHuny

I am really intriqued by this subject. I have always known that I was non-monogamous, but I think that is entirely different. I had a 20-year, same-time-next-year type of love affair while in committed relationships. If my partners had known about it, they could not have dealt with it. I think it takes a very secure person to be able to handle this type of situation without all of the jealousy and possessivness that just goes with the territory in any relationship. I admire your ability to rise above these issues.

Speaking for myself, I have known being "in-love" with more than one person at a time. Maybe this is not the case with you, but obviously it is the case with your "Syr."

What makes me curious is how she handles the needs of two women at the same time.

LOL this made me chuckle. Well first let me say that "I feel" ( I made sure I added that this time!) it takes being secure, but your partners have to also take care of this. I mean, we are all very discreet when we need to be and open and up front where we need to be. If the balance is not kept fairly, problems will happen. The best part is the wives encouraging a wonderful relationship with Syr individually. When Syr is right with each of us, we have a great life! When something is amiss with one of us, we all feel it. It's scary and wonderful at the same time.

Being *in love* with more than one person is Polyamorous. I believe this happens so often, but people just don't put a name on it. I feel I am in love with my Sister to a degree, not exactly the way I love Syr. I don't want two lovers. I am also Syr's property so I would never be allowed to sleep or play with anyone beside her, which I have no desire to do anyway.

Syr is great at handling our needs... we are required to ask when we feel we need something, we may not get it but we are required to ask. She is quite a Master at balancing us both, and spreading the love in many ways.

What she is trying to handle is two women cycling at the same time every month.

[girl_dee]

Originally Posted by atomiczombie

I'm not a jealous guy. If I had a girlfriend who wanted certain things that I don't want to provide, I would be happy for her to go out and experience those things so long as she is open and honest and SAFE. For example, I am strictly a stone Top. I don't have breasts. I would not have an issue with a girlfriend topping someone else or playing with someone's boobs, or playing with another femme. I think that honesty and being up front about it is the most important thing for me.

I am not saying this is your case, but SO many times people say this exact thing, until it happens.

Up front and honest are the biggest pieces to the puzzle. Each and every time someone isn't upfront about something, problems occur in our household. Then once whatever it is comes out, we all talk and get through it, the next day is better than ever.

[HoustonHuny]

Originally Posted by Cajun_dee

What she is trying to handle is two women cycling at the same time every month.

Yikes!

[fever]

Originally Posted by atomiczombie

I'm not a jealous guy. If I had a girlfriend who wanted certain things that I don't want to provide, I would be happy for her to go out and experience those things so long as she is open and honest and SAFE. For example, I am strictly a stone Top. I don't have breasts. I would not have an issue with a girlfriend topping someone else or playing with someone's boobs, or playing with another femme. I think that honesty and being up front about it is the most important thing for me.

Atomic, I don't understand your statements here. If I am a stonefemme, I thought I would respect and love you just as you are.

I am a stonefemme, and I am not interested in your "boobs". I wouldn't be going out with a stone or TG if I want to play with breasts. I adore a guy's chest area, and don't even think about the breasts.

I do agree with your statement about honesty and being up front with a partner. Always.

humbly,
Candice

[atomiczombie]

Originally Posted by fever

Atomic, I don't understand your statements here. If I am a stonefemme, I thought I would respect and love you just as you are.

I am a stonefemme, and I am not interested in your "boobs". I wouldn't be going out with a stone or TG if I want to play with breasts. I adore a guy's chest area, and don't even think about the breasts.

I do agree with your statement about honesty and being up front with a partner. Always.

humbly,
Candice

Well not all femmes are stone femmes in the way you are. Not all femmes are strictly bottoms. Some switch. Some are Tops. So if I am partnered with a switch, then I would want her to be able to enjoy topping with someone else. Who am I to say she can't get that want fulfilled? I am not interested in confining my partner in a relationship where she doesn't get to enjoy all the things she might like. As long as it is all above board and she is being safe about it, then I would be fine with that.

[kannon]

Originally Posted by Cajun_dee

I am not saying this is your case, but SO many times people say this exact thing, until it happens.

Up front and honest are the biggest pieces to the puzzle. Each and every time someone isn't upfront about something, problems occur in our household. Then once whatever it is comes out, we all talk and get through it, the next day is better than ever.

I was in a poly relationship with a woman and her boyfriend. It was great at first. They were together and invited me into their relationship. He and I were not physical but we were really good friends. He was okay with sharing, however, he had one requirement - she and I not engage in any sexual activity unless he was present. After about 6 months, we had sex while he was out of the house. Somehow, he knew. He demanded she break off the relationship with me. She had developed strong feelings for me and couldn't do it. They broke off their relationship and I had her all to myself, which was fine with me.

I think he would have been okay with the arrangement if he had continued to feel in control of her emotions and behavior. As long as her relationship with me was just sexual then it was okay with him. Once he realized that she developed deeper feelings for me he freaked.

That may be the secret for many poly relationships. If there are 2 primary members then they must feel secure and trust each other. I'm not sure how they would respond if one starts to develop feelings for another member. That has to happen frequently - developing deeper feelings for someone you are sleeping with.

[The_Lady_Snow]

Not necessarily kannon, fucking CAN BE just that no feelings attached.. That's my opinion though I don't "need" or "require" heartstrings or posturing in my poly...

[kannon]

Originally Posted by The_Lady_Snow

Not necessarily kannon, fucking CAN BE just that no feelings attached.. That's my opinion though I don't "need" or "require" heartstrings or posturing in my poly...

You have that ability. I discovered that I was willing and able to share someone I had very strong feelings for. But some can't, or they can't in certain situations, and they, like my X's boyfriend, don't realize their emotional limitations until they experience them. Then they are like, "Oh, shit." My girlfriend's, X suffered for years because he lost something he loved dearly. I feel like the whole experience traumatized him.

Of course, this isn't the case for everyone. But his case is a cautionary tale about the possible emotional repercussions.

[The_Lady_Snow]

"After about 6 months, we had sex while he was out of the house. Somehow, he knew. He demanded she break off the relationship with me"

----------------------

See for "me" once this scenario happened it would turn into cheating because it wasn't open, honest and all parties were not in the knowing. I'd been like um this needs to stop so we, us can talk or them bounce cause honesty should always be happening in poly even "when" feelings deepen or take root it's only fair...

[always2late]

Originally Posted by The_Lady_Snow

"After about 6 months, we had sex while he was out of the house. Somehow, he knew. He demanded she break off the relationship with me"

----------------------

See for "me" once this scenario happened it would turn into cheating because it wasn't open, honest and all parties were not in the knowing. I'd been like um this needs to stop so we, us can talk or them bounce cause honesty should always be happening in poly even "when" feelings deepen or take root it's only fair...

Took the words right out of my mouth. When I read the OP, my first thought was that there is a serious breach of trust there. The incident spoken of went outside the framework of the established relationship. Could the breakup have been due to other factors? Yes, of course that could be the case, however, I'm sure the betrayal of trust didn't help.

[kannon]

Originally Posted by woodstock

Took the words right out of my mouth. When I read the OP, my first thought was that there is a serious breach of trust there. The incident spoken of went outside the framework of the established relationship. Could the breakup have been due to other factors? Yes, of course that could be the case, however, I'm sure the betrayal of trust didn't help.

Maybe you’re right. Maybe things would have worked out differently if we had talked about things before doing them. Certainly, open and honest communication is the key to a healthy relationship, not just poly.

[kittygrrl]

Originally Posted by kannon

I was in a poly relationship with a woman and her boyfriend. It was great at first. They were together and invited me into their relationship. He and I were not physical but we were really good friends. He was okay with sharing, however, he had one requirement - she and I not engage in any sexual activity unless he was present. After about 6 months, we had sex while he was out of the house. Somehow, he knew. He demanded she break off the relationship with me. She had developed strong feelings for me and couldn't do it. They broke off their relationship and I had her all to myself, which was fine with me.

I think he would have been okay with the arrangement if he had continued to feel in control of her emotions and behavior. As long as her relationship with me was just sexual then it was okay with him. Once he realized that she developed deeper feelings for me he freaked.

That may be the secret for many poly relationships. If there are 2 primary members then they must feel secure and trust each other. I'm not sure how they would respond if one starts to develop feelings for another member. That has to happen frequently - developing deeper feelings for someone you are sleeping with.

It's hard not to keep feelings out of such a close mutually enjoyable relationship for the two intimately involved, so it becomes a little complicated..some people enjoy living on that edge, some people can tolerate it as long as their personal boundaries are respected..I think it works out better if there is a close relationship (not necessarily) sexual with all parties..more of a poly fidelity arrangement than polyamorous..just saying..

[Quintease]

Originally Posted by kannon

I think he would have been okay with the arrangement if he had continued to feel in control of her emotions and behavior.

That. That is not necessarily poly IMO. It is not allowing someone the freedom to be with other people. It is a form of monogamy, only allowing one's partner to have experiences which can be chaperoned and monitored by yourself.

I understand that she wanted things that her boyfriend would not allow, so their relationship suffered. Had he allowed her to make her own decisions, find her own way, he may have kept her and the relationship intact. Instead he pulled and she resisted, until eventually the ties snapped.

You cannot help developing feelings when building a relationship with someone else. Having an open and honest polyamorous relationship means acknowledging that feelings will happen and being ready to confront it openly and honestly. Affection born of a secondary or sexual relationship may indicate that your relationship is in trouble or they may mean nothing at all, just a natural result of intimacy. Liking someone, caring for someone, missing someone, wanting to see someone, doesn't necessarily equate to wanting to run off and build a home with someone.

I think if you want to try polyamory, so as to bring excitement, new partners and new sexual experiences into the relationship, then you also have to be ready to face any resulting fears and jealousy that it will bring up.

[kittygrrl]

Originally Posted by Quintease

That. That is not necessarily poly IMO. It is not allowing someone the freedom to be with other people. It is a form of monogamy, only allowing one's partner to have experiences which can be chaperoned and monitored by yourself.

I understand that she wanted things that her boyfriend would not allow, so their relationship suffered. Had he allowed her to make her own decisions, find her own way, he may have kept her and the relationship intact. Instead he pulled and she resisted, until eventually the ties snapped.

You cannot help developing feelings when building a relationship with someone else. Having an open and honest polyamorous relationship means acknowledging that feelings will happen and being ready to confront it openly and honestly. Affection born of a secondary or sexual relationship may indicate that your relationship is in trouble or they may mean nothing at all, just a natural result of intimacy. Liking someone, caring for someone, missing someone, wanting to see someone, doesn't necessarily equate to wanting to run off and build a home with someone.

I think if you want to try polyamory, so as to bring excitement, new partners and new sexual experiences into the relationship, then you also have to be ready to face any resulting fears and jealousy that it will bring up.

yes excitement and new always feel great, so of course the attachment can be intoxicating..he may very well have wanted to "control" the situation, I don't personally see much wrong with that, as certain boundaries a primary is entitled to..ultimatums (however) are usually toxic to any relationship even if she had stayed..but she chose to leave and hopefully is happier..but I don't think the primary did anything wrong, his boundaries were crossed and he felt disrespected..and took an extreme measure, maybe hastily, but understandable.

[girl_dee]

Originally Posted by The_Lady_Snow

"After about 6 months, we had sex while he was out of the house. Somehow, he knew. He demanded she break off the relationship with me"

----------------------

See for "me" once this scenario happened it would turn into cheating because it wasn't open, honest and all parties were not in the knowing. I'd been like um this needs to stop so we, us can talk or them bounce cause honesty should always be happening in poly even "when" feelings deepen or take root it's only fair...

I thought the same thing when I read that. There can be no going behind anyone's back in any relationship, of any kind or there is going to be trouble. To me that indicated there is already a problem.

There is a difference between being discreet and staying in the boundaries of what is agreed upon and doing things behind someone's back.

[girl_dee]

In my situation, we had all been friends for a very long time and with me in service to Syr in a D/s situation.

My spirit sister took me into her home, welcomes me to share her partner and her world. She shares her home, her loves, her work, her money, her life with me, I could never in a million years do ANYthing behind her back, or anyone's.

When she and Syr are at their best, We are all at our best. It's in my best interest to live a happy drama free life.

Honesty is paramount, even if the truth hurts, it's better than the alternative.

[StrongButch]

Thank you all for sharing I am poly I enjoy the service and energy of a boi and at times a grl I am always honest about this and do not feel that I must choose one over the other

[girl_dee]

Originally Posted by StrongButch

Thank you all for sharing I am poly I enjoy the service and energy of a boi and at times a grl I am always honest about this and do not feel that I must choose one over the other

do you all live in the same home?

[StrongButch]

I am old fashioned in many ways I observe and talk to folks for a long time before I even ask them out I have found this is what works best for me I like to keep it casual for the 1st year I want to make sure our energy blends and no one gets hurt I have lived in Seattle for 1 1/2 yrs and find many wanna rush I am in no hurry and have been single most my life by choice I find many mistake sex for love and commitement I dont My presence is strong and I require a strong person to serve me as well