Reactions to Embracing Your Femme(ness)

blush · 08-20-2012, 08:01 PM

I didn't have a Femme Moment. I had the gay moment, but femme just seemed a natural extension of me. As I became more comfortable with myself, I got a shit ton more girly. By being more girly, I found my voice and confidence. It just kinda fed on itself.

For me, being femme had very little to do with whom I was attracted to. In fact, defining myself as femme because I was attracted to masculine energy always made me feel more invisible.

girl_dee · 08-20-2012, 08:05 PM

When i was taken to a gay bar by a gay co-worker.

We walked in and i saw all the flat tops over at the bar and said * i don't wanna stay here, there's nothing but guys here!*

she said *dee? them ain't guys*

WOOOHOOO!!!

cara · 08-20-2012, 08:58 PM

I'm still learning and growing into my femme-ness. I love that as a community, we have gotten past the stereotyping bullshit that often happens when we hear the terms butch and femme. I am attracted to people not based on how they ID, but how our energy works together. Most I have dated look butch, but only a few have ID'd that way. I have also dated a few femmes.

Great topic. I'm curious to read more responses.

cara · 08-20-2012, 09:23 PM

I suppose I should talk about the original topic. for the most part, as a femme I feel wholly invisible in the LGBTQ community. I don't like some of the "priviledges" that come with being me. people assume I'm straight. I'm not out to everyone yet because I'm not completely comfortable in my own skin. i've been out to my parents, most friends, and a few acquaintances for years. At work and meeting new people is usually a different story. this year, I have put a rainbow pin on my backpack. at first, it made me really uneasy. now, I really like it because it saves me from perhaps yet another awkward conversation. aside from a little fear when I'm walking home alone at night, I like the subtle message I'm giving to the world: yeah, I'm queer, no I don't "look" like it, and please take a moment to re-examine your views of the world. for the most part, people are very supportive once they know.

mariamma · 08-20-2012, 10:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by cara

I suppose I should talk about the original topic. for the most part, as a femme I feel wholly invisible in the LGBTQ community. I don't like some of the "priviledges" that come with being me. people assume I'm straight. I'm not out to everyone yet because I'm not completely comfortable in my own skin. i've been out to my parents, most friends, and a few acquaintances for years. At work and meeting new people is usually a different story. this year, I have put a rainbow pin on my backpack. at first, it made me really uneasy. now, I really like it because it saves me from perhaps yet another awkward conversation. aside from a little fear when I'm walking home alone at night, I like the subtle message I'm giving to the world: yeah, I'm queer, no I don't "look" like it, and please take a moment to re-examine your views of the world. for the most part, people are very supportive once they know.

I understand. I wore a pink triangle everywhere in college. I once had a (suspected lesbian) ask me what it meant, confused on why a straight-looking woman who always wore skirts would wear a pink triangle. And I wore a button that said "Vagatarian" as well as many political buttons on my coat. I still feel like I have to scream "I'm a dyke" at times in order to be taken seriously. Portia De Rossi, Cynthia Nixon and that cute country singer make it easier though.

*Anya* · 08-20-2012, 10:30 PM

My first true femme moment was not my lesbian moment because that came well before my femme moment.

My first real lesbian relationship was my best friend, a femme. She was beautiful, sexy, funny, smart but something was missing for me.

We were together for about a year and drifted apart but stayed friends. Her next girlfriend was a darling baby butch with dimples named George (short for Georgiana but everyone called her George). When the femme and I got together she did not know until she met George that butches did it for her either.

I met my first butch at a NOW meeting, that hotbed of lesbian menaces (according to Betty Friedan anyway).

We became friends (as much as a butch and femme that are totally sexually attracted to each other can be) and she invited me over for drinks one night.

I was nervous as hell and totally excited in a way I never was with the femme. We chatted, laughed, the hour grew late. During a lull in the conversation, she looked at me and said, "Come here". I asked, "Why?" swallowing a gasp, knowing full well, and hoping like hell that I was right...

...she pulled me close and gave me a kiss that left me breathless.

It was a crystal-clear moment of knowing that "thing" that I was missing with the femme was the exact spark that the butch possessed. She did not make me more gay but she sure as hell made me more in touch with the femme that I would be from that moment on.

macele · 08-20-2012, 11:32 PM

martina talks about grace. i'm looking for a word but that's not it. i'm going to think of grace for now until i find the word i'm searching for. there's a femmeness i feel. as i'm sure we all do, if we are women. anyway, i just don't have a lot of femme moments lol. is this one? nahh jk lol.

there's something about the way she moves, ... her mind, her love, her caring, her everything. what's that word i'm looking for!

i also liked "bring out the boy in me" by martina. not because i want a femme to bring out the boy in me. but that's part of what the butch/femme connection does. brings out parts of ourselves that say a butch/butch can't, or a femme/femme. she brings me!

so the first time i felt my femmeness, ... hasn't happened LOL. jk. i'm silly and it's late.

thank you all for sharing.

MissItalianDiva · 08-31-2012, 12:57 PM

Well for me personally I do not associate my femmeness with my sexualty. I just have never connected the two. Perhaps it is because even as a child I was ultra femme. I remember throwing fits if my mother or father told me I could not wear a dress. Everything I did was feminine.

I got a box full of pictures last night of my amazing father and me. There is one particular picture that made me laugh. I was 4 and sitting in a chair next to my dad at his work and my legs were crossed. Then as I flipped through every picture where I happened to be sitting...my legs were cross. Also there just are not very many pictures where I am in anything but a skirt and dress. I realize clothing does not distinct a femme from non femme or what not but I did think it was interesting.

As I grew into my preteens and realized I was not attracted to men I was open about it. So by the time it came out my family didn't even do a double take. I think everyone just knew. Now with that being said outside of my family was a completely different story and one I still deal with today. Such comments are and have been made that I am too pretty or too femme and even too girly to be gay.

My response to that is to always calmly question their comment. How am I too femme to be gay what does that mean. Usually they call their own bs when they open their mouth to say well most gay/lesbian women are masculine looking or tomboys. It always seems in my experience that once they verbalize their closed minded theory that an aha moment comes and they realize they have unfairly boxed a portion of society. One of my biggest new peeves is the assumption that I am not a femme lesbian because I have two children. Makes me just want to take them to the library and make them read books on alternative methods of conceiving. I guess my hope for society would have been that by now they realize that even in the LGBTQI community we do have children and come in all sorts of different styles just like the heterosexual community.

Being ultra femme is not always easy just like some of the other classifications within our community. I have dated butches and transmen who have blatantly told me they feel I might be bi because I am so feminine and even have said well you "look straight" that is the one that ticks me off. How the heck does one look straight. It can be hard to date because being ultra femme apparently does not give of the same signals as let's say a butch. It is irritating at times especially considering I am a bit old fashioned when it comes to dating. I feel out of place approaching someone I am interested in. So I have learned to find tactful and creative ways of flirting.

I am going to stop rambling now and just end by saying I love all my ultra femmeness and even though it comes with issues here and there...so does everything else in life. I love being a heel wearing,makeup loving,dress wearing femme. That is me and I don't really give two hoots at this point in my life about anyone not accepting my femmeness or thinking that I am too femme to be gay.

mariamma · 08-31-2012, 05:32 PM

Big love and hugs to you Leigh for sharing your story. One thing is true, you are strong.

Ms. Meander · 09-09-2012, 10:02 AM

What an awesome thread! Thanks for starting it, Medusa - and thanks to all for sharing your stories.

There are times in my life when I seem more surrounded by other queers, in real time, but it has been less-so lately. So I have regular opportunities to come out. It is less of a "Femme" issue than a "Gay" thing, except to the extent that I am not recognized as queer by the average straight person.

When people discover who I am (and who I associate with) they are often keen to question me about trans issues. Which is somewhat ridiculous because I am not trans. But I am and have been close to many trans people, and perhaps have a little insight. I at least have enough insight to open the door of understanding to a previously clueless soul. I have great and frequent opportunities to spread awareness and dispel myths and fear. I know I do it imperfectly, but you have to start somewhere.

I have had a few occasions when people have been disturbed and distressed to find that I am a Queer Femme -- something along the lines of, "but you look so normal", "you're such a pretty girl, you could be normal if you wanted to." Yeah. Thanks. I tried that. No thanks. Get used to it!

08-20-2012, 08:01 PM	#1
blush Member How Do You Identify?: femme Preferred Pronoun?: she Relationship Status: I'm with goofy. Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Texas Posts: 911 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 962 Thanked 2,375 Times in 616 Posts Rep Power: 15632317	I didn't have a Femme Moment. I had the gay moment, but femme just seemed a natural extension of me. As I became more comfortable with myself, I got a shit ton more girly. By being more girly, I found my voice and confidence. It just kinda fed on itself. For me, being femme had very little to do with whom I was attracted to. In fact, defining myself as femme because I was attracted to masculine energy always made me feel more invisible. __________________ "We never forget those who make us blush." Jean-Francois de la Harpe

08-20-2012, 08:58 PM	#3
cara Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Queer/lesbian femme Preferred Pronoun?: She/her Relationship Status: Married to my love 08.15.15 Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Indianapolis, IN Posts: 3,401 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 11,995 Thanked 13,255 Times in 2,725 Posts Rep Power: 21474855	I'm still learning and growing into my femme-ness. I love that as a community, we have gotten past the stereotyping bullshit that often happens when we hear the terms butch and femme. I am attracted to people not based on how they ID, but how our energy works together. Most I have dated look butch, but only a few have ID'd that way. I have also dated a few femmes. Great topic. I'm curious to read more responses. __________________ "The world in which you were born is just one model of reality. Other cultures are not failed attempts at being you; they are unique manifestations of the human spirit." ~Wade Davis

08-20-2012, 09:23 PM	#4
cara Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Queer/lesbian femme Preferred Pronoun?: She/her Relationship Status: Married to my love 08.15.15 Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Indianapolis, IN Posts: 3,401 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 11,995 Thanked 13,255 Times in 2,725 Posts Rep Power: 21474855	I suppose I should talk about the original topic. for the most part, as a femme I feel wholly invisible in the LGBTQ community. I don't like some of the "priviledges" that come with being me. people assume I'm straight. I'm not out to everyone yet because I'm not completely comfortable in my own skin. i've been out to my parents, most friends, and a few acquaintances for years. At work and meeting new people is usually a different story. this year, I have put a rainbow pin on my backpack. at first, it made me really uneasy. now, I really like it because it saves me from perhaps yet another awkward conversation. aside from a little fear when I'm walking home alone at night, I like the subtle message I'm giving to the world: yeah, I'm queer, no I don't "look" like it, and please take a moment to re-examine your views of the world. for the most part, people are very supportive once they know. __________________ "The world in which you were born is just one model of reality. Other cultures are not failed attempts at being you; they are unique manifestations of the human spirit." ~Wade Davis

08-20-2012, 10:30 PM	#6
Anya Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: Lesbian non-stone femme Preferred Pronoun?: She, her Relationship Status: Committed to being good to myself Join Date: Jun 2011 Location: West Coast Posts: 8,258 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 39,306 Thanked 40,451 Times in 7,284 Posts Rep Power: 21474858	My first true femme moment was not my lesbian moment because that came well before my femme moment. My first real lesbian relationship was my best friend, a femme. She was beautiful, sexy, funny, smart but something was missing for me. We were together for about a year and drifted apart but stayed friends. Her next girlfriend was a darling baby butch with dimples named George (short for Georgiana but everyone called her George). When the femme and I got together she did not know until she met George that butches did it for her either. I met my first butch at a NOW meeting, that hotbed of lesbian menaces (according to Betty Friedan anyway). We became friends (as much as a butch and femme that are totally sexually attracted to each other can be) and she invited me over for drinks one night. I was nervous as hell and totally excited in a way I never was with the femme. We chatted, laughed, the hour grew late. During a lull in the conversation, she looked at me and said, "Come here". I asked, "Why?" swallowing a gasp, knowing full well, and hoping like hell that I was right... ...she pulled me close and gave me a kiss that left me breathless. It was a crystal-clear moment of knowing that "thing" that I was missing with the femme was the exact spark that the butch possessed. She did not make me more gay but she sure as hell made me more in touch with the femme that I would be from that moment on. __________________ ~Anya~ Democracy Dies in Darkness ~Washington Post "...I'm deeply concerned by recently adopted policies which punish children for their parents’ actions ... The thought that any State would seek to deter parents by inflicting such abuse on children is unconscionable." UN Human Rights commissioner

09-09-2012, 10:02 AM	#10
Ms. Meander Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Queer Femme Relationship Status: Ethical Nonmonogamist Join Date: Dec 2009 Location: The Mountains Posts: 1,520 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 4,706 Thanked 5,211 Times in 1,147 Posts Rep Power: 21474852	Never judge a book by its cover What an awesome thread! Thanks for starting it, Medusa - and thanks to all for sharing your stories. There are times in my life when I seem more surrounded by other queers, in real time, but it has been less-so lately. So I have regular opportunities to come out. It is less of a "Femme" issue than a "Gay" thing, except to the extent that I am not recognized as queer by the average straight person. When people discover who I am (and who I associate with) they are often keen to question me about trans issues. Which is somewhat ridiculous because I am not trans. But I am and have been close to many trans people, and perhaps have a little insight. I at least have enough insight to open the door of understanding to a previously clueless soul. I have great and frequent opportunities to spread awareness and dispel myths and fear. I know I do it imperfectly, but you have to start somewhere. I have had a few occasions when people have been disturbed and distressed to find that I am a Queer Femme -- something along the lines of, "but you look so normal", "you're such a pretty girl, you could be normal if you wanted to." Yeah. Thanks. I tried that. No thanks. Get used to it! __________________ My wish for you is that you continue. Continue to be who and how you are, to astonish a mean world with your acts of kindness. Continue to allow humor to lighten the burden of your tender heart. - Maya Angelou

08-20-2012, 08:05 PM	#2
girl_dee Practically Lives Here How Do You Identify?: Femme Preferred Pronoun?: dee Relationship Status: Hitched up Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Livin’ the Dream Posts: 24,079 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 30,560 Thanked 54,831 Times in 13,908 Posts Rep Power: 21474873	When i was taken to a gay bar by a gay co-worker. We walked in and i saw all the flat tops over at the bar and said * i don't wanna stay here, there's nothing but guys here!* she said dee? them ain't guys WOOOHOOO!!!

08-20-2012, 11:32 PM	#7
macele Member How Do You Identify?: a bold-assed maximus Preferred Pronoun?: she Join Date: Sep 2011 Location: mississippi Posts: 1,066 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 3,178 Thanked 3,230 Times in 847 Posts Rep Power: 21474850	martina talks about grace. i'm looking for a word but that's not it. i'm going to think of grace for now until i find the word i'm searching for. there's a femmeness i feel. as i'm sure we all do, if we are women. anyway, i just don't have a lot of femme moments lol. is this one? nahh jk lol. there's something about the way she moves, ... her mind, her love, her caring, her everything. what's that word i'm looking for! i also liked "bring out the boy in me" by martina. not because i want a femme to bring out the boy in me. but that's part of what the butch/femme connection does. brings out parts of ourselves that say a butch/butch can't, or a femme/femme. she brings me! so the first time i felt my femmeness, ... hasn't happened LOL. jk. i'm silly and it's late. thank you all for sharing.

08-31-2012, 12:57 PM	#8
MissItalianDiva Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Miss Twiggy Preferred Pronoun?: Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious and that shit doesn't sound atrocious! Relationship Status: divorce happens..all that glitters ain't gold Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: SLC Utah Posts: 2,284 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 2,768 Thanked 7,159 Times in 1,793 Posts Rep Power: 21474854	Well for me personally I do not associate my femmeness with my sexualty. I just have never connected the two. Perhaps it is because even as a child I was ultra femme. I remember throwing fits if my mother or father told me I could not wear a dress. Everything I did was feminine. I got a box full of pictures last night of my amazing father and me. There is one particular picture that made me laugh. I was 4 and sitting in a chair next to my dad at his work and my legs were crossed. Then as I flipped through every picture where I happened to be sitting...my legs were cross. Also there just are not very many pictures where I am in anything but a skirt and dress. I realize clothing does not distinct a femme from non femme or what not but I did think it was interesting. As I grew into my preteens and realized I was not attracted to men I was open about it. So by the time it came out my family didn't even do a double take. I think everyone just knew. Now with that being said outside of my family was a completely different story and one I still deal with today. Such comments are and have been made that I am too pretty or too femme and even too girly to be gay. My response to that is to always calmly question their comment. How am I too femme to be gay what does that mean. Usually they call their own bs when they open their mouth to say well most gay/lesbian women are masculine looking or tomboys. It always seems in my experience that once they verbalize their closed minded theory that an aha moment comes and they realize they have unfairly boxed a portion of society. One of my biggest new peeves is the assumption that I am not a femme lesbian because I have two children. Makes me just want to take them to the library and make them read books on alternative methods of conceiving. I guess my hope for society would have been that by now they realize that even in the LGBTQI community we do have children and come in all sorts of different styles just like the heterosexual community. Being ultra femme is not always easy just like some of the other classifications within our community. I have dated butches and transmen who have blatantly told me they feel I might be bi because I am so feminine and even have said well you "look straight" that is the one that ticks me off. How the heck does one look straight. It can be hard to date because being ultra femme apparently does not give of the same signals as let's say a butch. It is irritating at times especially considering I am a bit old fashioned when it comes to dating. I feel out of place approaching someone I am interested in. So I have learned to find tactful and creative ways of flirting. I am going to stop rambling now and just end by saying I love all my ultra femmeness and even though it comes with issues here and there...so does everything else in life. I love being a heel wearing,makeup loving,dress wearing femme. That is me and I don't really give two hoots at this point in my life about anyone not accepting my femmeness or thinking that I am too femme to be gay.

08-31-2012, 05:32 PM	#9
mariamma Member How Do You Identify?: femme Preferred Pronoun?: she Relationship Status: single Join Date: May 2011 Location: Oregon Posts: 352 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 1,458 Thanked 1,115 Times in 281 Posts Rep Power: 9628891	Big love and hugs to you Leigh for sharing your story. One thing is true, you are strong.