Reactions to Embracing Your Femme(ness)

[spritzerJ]

And another thing....

the early omg i skipped the training bra reign them in experience... talk about sudden immersion into the world of boys/men commenting on your body publicly... I was not ready for that. It is a shock. I remember thinking to myself, um I was playing wall ball and now your talking about my boobs? I don't get the connection. After 3 recesses in a row of boobs derail wall ball games I stopped playing. It wasn't fun and I had no idea what to say, that I could say shut the f@#* up.

Must remember this lesson so I prep The General earlier.

[The_Lady_Snow]

Originally Posted by spritzerJ

And another thing....

the early omg i skipped the training bra reign them in experience... talk about sudden immersion into the world of boys/men commenting on your body publicly... I was not ready for that. It is a shock. I remember thinking to myself, um I was playing wall ball and now your talking about my boobs? I don't get the connection. After 3 recesses in a row of boobs derail wall ball games I stopped playing. It wasn't fun and I had no idea what to say, that I could say shut the f@#* up.

Must remember this lesson so I prep The General earlier.

Exactly, we get to learn from our experiences as young women who were not cookie cutter girls. We as parents (if you are a parent or a co parent) can prepare and tell our sons or daughters that they don't have to conform to gender assignments by other people and we can teach our sons that breasts are not just for manly/butch/guy entertainment nor should they deter women from physical activities!!

My father said to me early, boys like to take up space, you should never let them even your brothers, I don't and I do it LOUD be it verbal or by extending my body and energy. I am now as a Femme so comfortable in my gender (regardless of garb) that if I want I will engulf the room and claim my space respectfully.


My 30's were defining moments for me in my Gender journey, as a Femme I grew more into the masculinity, sexual, soft, power yealding creature I was meant to be. It's incredibly emotional to share with others like you (general) because it becomes this A-HA moment and so defining that there are Tops/Masters/Femmes/Women/Girls/Lesbians just like you!

[spritzerJ]

Originally Posted by The_Lady_Snow

Exactly, we get to learn from our experiences as young women who were not cookie cutter girls. We as parents (if you are a parent or a co parent) can prepare and tell our sons or daughters that they don't have to conform to gender assignments by other people and we can teach our sons that breasts are not just for manly/butch/guy entertainment nor should they deter women from physical activities!!

My father said to me early, boys like to take up space, you should never let them even your brothers, I don't and I do it LOUD be it verbal or by extending my body and energy. I am now as a Femme so comfortable in my gender (regardless of garb) that if I want I will engulf the room and claim my space respectfully.


My 30's were defining moments for me in my Gender journey, as a Femme I grew more into the masculinity, sexual, soft, power yealding creature I was meant to be. It's incredibly emotional to share with others like you (general) because it becomes this A-HA moment and so defining that there are Tops/Masters/Femmes/Women/Girls/Lesbians just like you!

Wow, definitely need to use your father's quote for The General and myself.

Thank you for sharing your defining moments so freely. They help me understand and begin to imagine what it looks like for me and how I can bring my self into space.

[mariamma]

Originally Posted by The_Lady_Snow

Exactly, we get to learn from our experiences as young women who were not cookie cutter girls. We as parents (if you are a parent or a co parent) can prepare and tell our sons or daughters that they don't have to conform to gender assignments by other people and we can teach our sons that breasts are not just for manly/butch/guy entertainment nor should they deter women from physical activities!!

My 30's were defining moments for me in my Gender journey, as a Femme I grew more into the masculinity, sexual, soft, power yealding creature I was meant to be. It's incredibly emotional to share with others like you (general) because it becomes this A-HA moment and so defining that there are Tops/Masters/Femmes/Women/Girls/Lesbians just like you!

Just rode my bike to the store for tapioca. I passed 2 teen-aged boys who then passed a goth kid on a bike. You couldn't really tell if he was a boy or not because he visually appeared as a blend. The kids passed eachother with a head nod and no sneers or disparaging remarks. The last 30 years of punk, metal, alternative, goth and industrial music and culture has brought queer and alternative people up to the forefront WITH THE YOUTH. These differences are becoming less significant as people reject uncomfortable cookie cutter, binary versions of how to appear to others.

I've always felt that the anger about LGBTQI people is because some don't know how to react. Some don't know if they are seeing someone they need to compete with or try to have sex with, as if those were the only choices.

Love the passion in your words Lady.

[NJFemmie]

Originally Posted by spritzerJ

And another thing....

the early omg i skipped the training bra reign them in experience... talk about sudden immersion into the world of boys/men commenting on your body publicly... I was not ready for that. It is a shock. I remember thinking to myself, um I was playing wall ball and now your talking about my boobs? I don't get the connection. After 3 recesses in a row of boobs derail wall ball games I stopped playing. It wasn't fun and I had no idea what to say, that I could say shut the f@#* up.

Must remember this lesson so I prep The General earlier.

Mine grew overnight. I went from tee shirts to bra and was like, WTF??
So now the boys who considered me one of the boys is now looking at me like a girl.

Ack.

I was a boy with boobs, man.

[NJFemmie]

Here's a story I haven't shared too often ...

So, I was this tomboy, right? As far as all the boys on my block were concerned - I was one of the boys until my boobs started to sprout.

Wellll ..... I especially took notice to this the one day we all decided to play football, and the guys wanted me to be center. (You know, the person who is bent over ass high snapping the ball to the quarterback, just in case you weren't sure....) And guess what I feel? :/

Ugh.

The next time we decided to play, I decided to shove something down the front of my pants and insisted that *I* be the quarterback (because truth be known, I had a killer arm and my accuracy was far better...).

BOINK. How does it feel motherfucker??

Needless to say, I was not asked to be center anymore.

Looking back, i realize that day explains so many things. LOL

[Bleu]

Originally Posted by NJFemmie

The next time we decided to play, I decided to shove something down the front of my pants and insisted that *I* be the quarterback (because truth be known, I had a killer arm and my accuracy was far better...).

BOINK. How does it feel motherfucker??

Needless to say, I was not asked to be center anymore.

Looking back, i realize that day explains so many things. LOL

Hahahahahaa! LOVE THIS!

[The_Lady_Snow]

Aisha that's one reason I like going to BFP gatherings, it's a time for me as a Fierce Femme creature to display my plumage (hair, clothes,make up,shoes) it's my choice how much color, boldness, sexuality I'm going to display. If I go down to the coffee room hair nappy, looking like I just rolled out of a good fuck then I can because no one cares or they lookin' the same. I feel the same way in the forums the Femme I am isn't nor will it ever be defined by others comfort levels or lack there of!

[spritzerJ]

Femme enough? Butch enough?

Being enough is THE given in the equation, the provision we all have on our journey.

I've struggled with "the enough" and worth. Oh I have and do. If I know one thing when I feel like I know nothing it is that worth and being enough is the pivot point.

[The_Lady_Snow]

Originally Posted by spritzerJ

Femme enough? Butch enough?

Being enough is THE given in the equation, the provision we all have on our journey.

I've struggled with "the enough" and worth. Oh I have and do. If I know one thing when I feel like I know nothing it is that worth and being enough is the pivot point.

I feel when "the enough" is over looked and we don't claim our space the hierarchy of what is butch/woman/Femme/guy enough crappy stereotypical expectation blots our gender/presentation/label/person canvas!


It leads to a dangerous concept of competition mentality. Dislike!

[girl_dee]

Yaknow that makes me want to jump on top of this table and say *YES!!!*

i've had enough of the enough word too.

i'm enough for ME. i don't have to validate myself, my partner, my past, my anything. i'm SO over it, SO over it.

i can't change, i've tried, and for the first time ever, i don't fucking want to!

AND i am with someone who does not want me to change and stop being this way or that way, thank GODDESS because i would rather be alone that to keep hearing that i need to change to suit someone else's idea of what THEY want to be.

[spritzerJ]

I appreciate CajunDee's statement that in relationship now it works because she knows who she is (both she's ).

When you know who you are you share who you are. A person has a chance and choice to love and honor who you are. That is an amazing feat, a miracle. And it happens in relationships to of many types.

So this reminds me that my femme angst and my earlier problems with assumptions is my responsibility. To connect to myself and communicate who I am clearly.

[aishah]

am so grateful for the wisdom that's being shared about accepting/communicating who we are and recognizing that we are enough and that that validation can't/shouldn't come from outside.

i struggle with that a lot, and it's gotten a lot better as i've grown up, and i'm sure i'll continue to come to terms with it more. i think for me it's felt like a slow process (but really looking at it in reality it hasn't been all THAT slow). i'm just of the serenity NOW! mindset

i definitely agree that for me experiencing that validation with my partner in a relationship has been incredibly affirming and helpful along the journey.

[The_Lady_Snow]

Amen!! Cause the Femme spectrum goes wayyyy beyond who we fuck.love.date to as simple as who we fuck.love.date. We aré entities defined by such a vast number of things from the most complex to the simplest of tastes.

I love love love being Femme, I take great pride in that!

[aishah]

i'm so grateful for all the posts here, especially bleu's post and the responses to it. thanks medusa for starting this thread.

i grew up around a lot of really strong women. i was shamed for not being extremely assertive, and that sucked, but it also made me grateful for when i did begin to become more assertive and it made me recognize and appreciate the fact that i needed to learn that skill. i also had the benefit of the fact that my mother and older sister, though our relationships were/are not always perfect, were great role models for me as women (though they were/are both straight).

i came out as bisexual/queer pretty early on in high school and always felt silenced about that, like no one took me seriously, at least until i got to college. i mostly had relationships with straight men, sometimes queer men, and other feminine women. i was always attracted to butches and folks with other gender ids but never seemed to move past the friend zone. (i also didn't date much at all and tended to have serious relationships with people i was friends with first, though, which could be part of why.)

i never felt comfortable in my body, identifying as a woman, in relationships with straight men. it's hard to explain why. i think part of it is just from the sort of awkwardness of being queer in a relationship with a straight cisman. but part of it for me was not feeling like what i'd always known/been told about womanhood and femininity were really me. meeting other femmes and coming to learn the meaning of "femme" in disabled, poor and working class, and indigenous community/ies really helped me to come home to myself and to see my gender identity and expression in a more complex and true (for me) way. i think that's a huge part of why i consider femme to be my core gender identity rather than something that's tied up in how i look/act/dress/whatever. (i mean, i guess it is a bit of both, but i tend to speak of it as my gender identity rather than my gender expression because it's such a core part of how i understand myself in the world.)

on the other hand, i do still feel some awkwardness sometimes. even in the most accepting and down groups of femmes i've been a part of, there's still an aesthetic of how one is supposed to look/dress/wear make-up, etc. that i definitely don't feel i fit into most of the time. looking at pictures my friends have posted from femmecon, part of me wonders if i'm really "femme enough" to be at home in a space like that, and i do even feel a little bit of anxiety about the planet meetup. the "not fitting in" or the reason i don't express my femme-ness in that way is because of a few different things...financial limitations, comfort/access/mobility reasons, and just generally how i like to dress and be...i don't like to wear makeup, i wear jeans and t-shirts a lot, i physically can't wear heels on a regular basis, i'm not super glam. i think maybe a lot of it is stuff i've internalized and just overthink myself when i look around and see all these gorgeous femmes and feel a bit like an ugly duckling.

there are other things besides dress and presentation, though. i like to top and bottom. i am attracted to both butches and other femmes (and people of all other kinds of gender identities/expressions). i definitely have both dominant and submissive qualities.

i still don't really feel "seen" by butches i meet on the street or other femmes, lesbians, and queer women. femme invisibility sucks. i wear queer jewelry because i love it, but also because i like not being invisible one of the blessings i feel is that even though i may not look like a lot of other femmes in the group, i have felt pretty accepted by the femme (and more generally the queer) communities i've been a part of once people get to know me. and my partner now definitely sees me for who i am, and has since we first met.

[Leigh]

I've been wanting to write my story about embracing my femmeness for a few days now but partly I've been busy and partly I kind of chickened out ~ however seeing and reading so many remarkable stories got me to really thinking about how I too have embraced the femmeness that I have, and since this is the topic of the thread I will share my own story with everyone as well.

I was raised the first 14 years of my life by my mom and her parents; my grandfather and grandmother were huge influences on my life and they are still missed to this day. I truly believe that I had a fairly good upbringing; my dad didn't come back into my life until I was 14 and in many ways I'm glad he wasn't there earlier. Some of who I am today is because of my dad, and that's not necessarily a bad thing however I am glad that I haven't developed some of his traits like being condescending, calling people down, making everyone around him feel like he is the king and they are beneath him etc. As a child
I wore what I wanted to (including my uncle's football jersey and my grandfather's boots; he was a trucker most of his life). I played with anything from dolls, Barbie's and my little pony to Hot Wheels cars, collecting rocks and playing outside.

I never really saw myself as "femme" really, just a person. Being overweight in high school was a hard thing to deal with; having books knocked out of my hands, being called every hurtful name in the book you can imagine, being shoved into lockers or having them rattled everytime I walked by. I did wear feminine clothes, make-up etc but often I just tried to be invisible in general hoping that no one would tease me. I never truly had an identity in high school; I dated one guy in high school for a month or so and it just never felt right but I had begun to notice a crush on women (particularily my French teacher) on grade 7 so I tried coming out once in high school which never worked, once at age 18 and then again finally at age 20. I began to chat on another gay website (not dash) and discovered the whole butch-femme dynamic. I figured out that I identified more as a femme, but I think really as my early 20's went by I was truly trying to find my identity as a person.

By my mid 20's I had met an FTM in my own city that I fell for and was with for 5 years. I went with him to his doctor's appointments, helped him with his T shots and was just overall very supportive of his transition. At this time I identified alot with him and for awhile was butch; I truly felt that's who I was at the time and I don't regret that part of my journey ~ it taught me alot about truly coming into my own and being my own person. I used to go to local FTM meetings at the GLBT centre here in Winnipeg with him and as they talked about not being able to identify with their bodies I saw so much of myself in them. Looking back now on that time in my life, I think that I was just not associating myself with being overweight and had really just disassociated my soul with my body because of years of being teased about my weight as well as dealing with my father constantly putting me down about anything he could find at fault with me.

I made a decision to transition and began in October of 2010 to take testosterone, truly believing that I was meant to be a guy. It took me until January of this year, a year and three months to truly see that I actually wasn't meant to be a guy so I stopped taking the hormones and knew that I was meant to remain a female. I've had lots of time to reflect on that time in my life and I honestly believe that I learned more about myself in that year and three months than I had ever learned about myself before ~ I began to really love myself, and accepted myself for who I am. I don't regret a moment of it and I can definitely say that it gave me such a new found respect for all of my FTM brothers and what they go through on a daily basis. I still have a couple of the effects of the hormones around, some hair growth (especially on my face) and abit of a gruffer voice than before but I've gotten used to it and don't feel that it makes me any less of a femme.

The last 3-4 months of taking the hormones, I began to miss things like wearing girly clothes and wearing make-up. I made the decision to start growing my hair back and bought make-up ~ I gave some of my guy clothes that I had bought over that year to Value Village here in my city (which is like Goodwill) and bought clothes from them to start rebuilding my wardrobe. I'm very happy with the femme that I have become; I'm more outspoken, not quite as shy as I was before (though I still have a ways to go); I've begun to work on losing weight and just getting back to me. I've missed living alot of years because I did not feel I deserved to be loved and to be happy, but as I've grown into being a femme and a woman I've re-discovered those lost parts of myself and am proud to be the femme I am now. I would not change a single thing about my life's journey, its made me who I am today and looking back on everything I've dealt with personally I'm pretty proud of myself

I admire each and every femme on this site; thank you all for sharing your stories and for allowing me to share mine also!